Thursday, April 12, 2007

Automatic Lose, OR: "How About Ohio?"

My life and this blog have a very clean-cut relationship:


x=the quality and rockstar-factor of my actual life
y=the quality and rockstar-factor of Automatic Win's life

This equation ensures that I appear 100 times cooler than I am. I think. I haven't taken math since like, before the internet was invented.

Let's look at the numbers:
-I've been going crazy/writing an article for [redacted very well-paying] Magazine for 5 weeks--it's just been killed. No "launch-pad," no "income [aside from kill fee]."
-I've got 18 days remaining in this apartment. Aforementioned sublet: fell through, obvs.
-I'm totes hands-down under-employed [by design, but still.]
-I've gotta re-work my book before I can sell it.
-I've got a weird feeling I'll forget to do my taxes.
-However, I don't live in Darfur. That's something.
-Which doesn't make me feel much better.
-So now I just feel like an ungrateful asshole. Still reading?

Those unlucky few who've had the pleasure to speak to me on the phone this morning have suggested I think of this as a great opportunity to "start all over." Hm. "Start all over." I've started brainstorming:

Move to a Square-Shaped State, Purchase Panty-Hose and "Pumps."
This might be super-educational. Like: what's a hedge fund? What's insurance? What's "investing"? What are "tax professionals"? What is "human resources"? These are all questions I cannot answer. But if I worked for a "distribution" or "sales" company or something? Then I'd be knee-deep in the salt of the earth, etc. Also, hello tinted stockings, goodbye TANNING!

I've never done heroin; does it look better in the movies? I should do laundry so I can have appropriate bender clothes; like something hot-hot-hot and devastating. All like "Look at me, I am so tortured on my mattress, I am writhing, I am hot and writhing!" Currently: wearing Abercrombie sweatpants from 1999, eyeliner-smeared wifebeater. More devastating-dorm-style than devastating-Little-Girl-Lost-style.

Renouncing Material Possessions, Living on Street, Eating Macaroni con Queso
Which might make me a spoiled girl who's used to a standard of living she takes for granted when she should realize there are plenty of people out there with bigger problems than no apartment, no job, and a month spent on an article that just got killed. Seriously, though, this article has not only BEEN killed, but it's killed me. [I'm moaning about this on my mac-book.]

Getting Million-Dollar Abs for a Buck
Seriously, I'm watching this thing on TV RIGHT NOW. What if my ABS were worth a million dollars?!! I just need to order this chair. Then my abs'll earn money in my sleep.

Go Back to School
According to, the best fields for the Class of 2007 include such tempting careers as "Auditor," "Registered Nurses" and "Computer Software Applications Engineers." I think what I really need is an M.F.A! Then I'll be a REALLY good writer, which will make me 0% more employable.

Peace Corps
I wonder if I could get to Guatemala before May 1st? It'd suck to go through the trouble of finding a new apartment just to move to a shack in South America.

Go Live with My Mom
Dial-Up problem aside--there's something about surburban Detroit that makes me slightly suicidal. However, there'd be free food and no rent. Until I drove my Mom completely crazy. Approx. 10 days?

Watching Americas Next Top Model marathon, crying softly to self, writing embarrassingly self-pitying blog entry
Oh wait. That's what I'm already doing.


haviland said...

well, i love you!

Jaime said...

Whatever you do, do not get a job in non-profit theatre. Lemme tell you. Doing work you love is not the way to have financial security. Also not the way to avoid overdrawing your checking account, with a doctor's appointment and a muffin, a week away from your next paycheck, which will only cover the rent anyway. I mean, hypothetically.

august said...

If you take to living on the streets, you’d automatically be in serious contention for most popular blog in the homeless community. That’s not a consideration to be ignored. Of course, you’d probably have to write the new entries on stolen toilet paper and send them to a friend to post on the internet, but whatever that’s how people wrote before they invented laptops anyway.

riese said...

thanks hav!

jaime: i'll keep that in mind about non-profit theater--I've heard that before. Do you have overdraft protection? It's the best.

august: that is a really good idea. I'd obvs keep my laptop. I'd just like, camp out wherever I could find wireless. It'd be AWESOME

Heather said...

you can come live with me. my futon is comfy and we have wifi and junk. also, you'd get to see lots of haviland ... oh i almost forgot -- i have a trampoline. and the nintendo wii. i'll even buy you a 40oz or two. i <3 you lil buddy. hang in there and call me if you want anything from the outside world, mkay? i'm just a few stops away! :) xoxo

natalie said...

i love you too, marie!
and you can come crash with me in cleveland, anytime, baby. although i have a sneaking suspicion that's heather's offer is just a tad bit more tempting. hmmm.
i think you are brilliant. and if it makes u feel any better, honey bunny, i am doing the same thing (moaning to myself about my deportation, loss of job, living at home etc)--except i don't have an adoring fan base:)
i looooove you. And you and automatic win are both winners in my mind!

Mercury said...

x + 2x simplifies to 3x. So according to that, you are three times cooler online than irl. I obvs can't comment on the accuracy of this. I only know the 3x part, not the y part, being zillions of miles away and all.

I'd love to offer you a place to stay except for the aforementioned zillions of miles thing? And the having no room, living with mother thing.

There's nothing more depressing than being told you have to "start over". OMG, I hate that. So much work, so so gone. You don't want to THINK start over, you just want to claw into the insides of your arms with the fingernails that are long because you don't have time to file them between all the busting your ass you've been doing.

I'm so sorry about your article! I'm sure it was going to kick ass. What was it about? Stupid redacted magazine. I'm going to call places and spread bad word of mouth about redacted magazine.

Your book will come together though. I have confidence.

If you move to a square-shaped state, it should be Utah, which is square with a nub. You'd be very entertaining to the mormons.

IMHO, back to school is a waste of everything.

Peace corps sounds fun? Like you'd have a lot to make jokes about in blog posts? It would totally, like. EXPAND YOUR WORLD. And um, have this wole new element to your writing? Like, DIMENSION or DEPTH or SHINE -- oh, sorry, I was thinking about hair.

Goodness, fairy dust, adoration & such things of that variety. OMG, I just thought of that song? That was popular in like the 60s, "we shall overcome"? Because I was trying to think of a noncheesy way to say "you'll overcome this" but I couldn't, so instead I mentioned the song, and now I'm saying: You'll overcome this.

You don't lose.


Chase said...

damn girl..fuck my offer....cats and all haha...heather's is way better....i so miss my trampoline! <3 <3

ps: i honestly hope it doesnt take "all of this" to get you over here u tomorrow!

love u!

MoonKiller said...

On the plus side you can sit outside a shop window watching day time TV, or you could sit in Starbucks ald day 'cause most of them have wireless. Anyway, love your blog, selfpitying or not.

Razia said...

I was homeless in Maryland for 2 years, not living on the streets homeless but more like taken in by loving ppl homeless, and then I just up and moved to Australia and haven't looked back since. It goes without saying that I have a home now and the best part is that its patriotic to always be drinking here!! See, so if all else fails, theres always the land down under.

jen namoff said...

hey girl,
well i am really behind with my riese's blog readings this week....but i had to post asap after i read your blog. i dont really know you, weve met like what, 3 times? but what i DO know--is you are a WONDERFUL writer. i do read your blogs, and articles, and they are so funny, and passionate, and heartfelt. As an aspiring writer as well, i wanted you to know that. Keep putting your soul into your you have been...and it is my belief your dreams will absolutely come true..see you on the cruise!