Wednesday, March 28, 2007

What We Do When We're Not Doing AutoWin

UPDATE: Sunday Top Ten is dancing it's merry way to Tuesday right now. As we all are.

All of my "original idea" energy is currently consumed by The Real Life of Autowin. So today, I'm only here to tell you how to spend the 1.5 minutes you might ordinarily spend reading me talk about myself.

1. Ingrid found an article from my former stomping ground, The Michigan Daily, entitled "Masturbating trespasser booted from frat." [sic] which is remarkable both for the restrained language employed by it's reporter and for the douchebag/awesome ire of the commenters. Some samples of student reactions to this event include:
"Come on like your going to ask her to leave? More like they should have been asking them to help out. Isn't that the role of a Frat to help the community? Come of course she is from Eastern ... U of M girls wouldn't do anything like that...YEAH RIGHT" -'Dirty Sanchez'
[seriously though, she probably is from Eastern. U of M girls wouldn't do anything like that FOR FREE. And that 'your' is ruining my life.]

" yo, pike is incredible. all they have to do is let women walk right in and they just start touching themselves. what pimps." -'Dres'
[har.]

"If a girl wants to come in and have herself be taken advantage of by multiple parties, gosh darnit she sould have that right. Pike you have failed us all." -Fratdoody69
[and fratdoody, you have failed the English language and everyone who believes in it by using its letters and its numerical colloquialisms for the sordid purposes of that "handle." And by being a misogynist, even if only for pretend.]

2. I'm obsessed with podcasts, because I don't want to waste a single moment of the day, ever. If you're lazy, this won't matter to you. Hopefully you aren't:

2a) There's a Slate podcast about the art of re-capping television shows, like I do, in which a writer interviews a former writer for Television Without Pity, who are the founders of the whole recapping "phenomenon."

2b) Some fantastic This American Lifes I've enjoyed lately:
Simulated Worlds: Lew turned me onto this one, re: my obsession with wax museums.
Three Women and the Sex Industry.
By Proxy
My Experimental Phase


3) My very last L Word Recap of the season, Halleh-fucking-lujah.

4) I started my Diaryland diary in 2000, and switched to livejournal in 2002 ("It's fun! It has this 'comments' feature so you can write back to your friends!' -Jake, 2002) which I formatted much like a mass e-mail to 10 of my closest friends and 5 I never met, and one random girl I secretly crushed on in boarding school. Now I'm super old and very mature, so I have a blog like the other grown-ups.

This week has been really exhausting, writing-wise, especially in regards to putting my personal info "out there" in [redacted magazine]. I remembered: "Wow, i used to like, be obscenely honest in that livejournal," though it only got about 10 hits a day, I'm guessing, mostly from Carl. Because it was like--really boring. And not quite so LOL-worthy. And I quote Elizabeth Wurtzel with relative abandon, which is totes unacceptable.

So, here's some old material. From the old me. The one that worked at the Macaroni Grill, lived in a house on Willard in Michigan with 8 roommates (7 hot Kappas, 1 hot Natalie), drove a Lexus, went tanning a lot, and hadn't yet discovered the joy of Biosilk hair products. But, much like the new me, I did enjoy making lists.

March 30, 2004:
TITLE: "Didn't I Tell You That I'm Not Like That?"

"CONTENT":

THINGS THAT MAKE ME LAUGH:

1. Avril Lavigne's new single. It is almost as unintentionally laughable as "sk8ter boy," her previous release which also made me laugh a lot. Most of her songs remind me of the poems we would produce in my 8th grade poetry class. Not that the concept of virginity is laughable--it is, in fact, a wonderful concept and practice---but come on, Avril....."Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck will get you in my pants/I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget/I'm gonna ask you to stop, that I liked you a lot, but I'm really upset/Get out of my head, get out of my bed." Hmm. It's really funnier if you hear those words sung to her stupid melody.

2. last week, there was a white-board note written by donna, which read as followed:
KNOCK KNOCK
WHOS THERE?
CUPS
CUPS WHO?
CUPS ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM, DINING ROOM AND TABLES THAT NEED TO BE PUT IN THE DISHWASHER!!

last night...
Natalie: hey wanna hear a joke?
Donna: OK.
Natalie: Knock Knock!
Me: who's there?
Natalie: Marty.
Me: Marty who?
Natalie: Marty sitting ALL OVER the couch with his little loafers with no socks propped up comfrortably on our coffee table as he sprawls himself over the couch watching television, alone.
Donna: Are you making fun of me?

3. ON OUR HABITAT FOR HUMANITY "DECORATED TIES" SELLING CONTEST
Conley: I think I've found a way to win this tie contest--you've gotta like, pick something that's really big right now that people would buy, so I think I'm gonna make "Passion of the Christ" ties, but make sure it says "passion of the Christ" so they know it's about the movie, and not just Christ in general.

Me: Do you think anyone would buy a "I Stand with Israel" tie?
Conley: I don't think that'd be as popular.

4. "I really think all of everyone's problems could be solved with Lexapro." -Rachael

5. That I can still use Christopher's Blockbuster card. Sorry, friend....but I had a lot of late fees on mine and not a lot of cash on me. I'll return it on time. Please don't take me off your account.

6. That yesterday lunch I tipped out every penny I made to the bartender and food runner. Steph saw the tip-out sheet and asked Jerry if I had twenty parties or something, and he said "No, for some reason, she just felt like tipping out all of her money." Honestly though, I really think everyone else worked harder than me. And I was an hour late (I had to take Nat to the doctor).

5. My Mom just said, re: crossword puzzles, "There's something very satisfactory about putting together a bunch of words and creating a finished product. And you can quote me on that. It's very blog-worthy." [pause] "Do you like how I just acted like I know what that word means?"

6. Shared items, google reader.

7. This Girl.

6 comments:

nyradical said...

Rie, your writing's one-upping itself with each new post; I'm very proud of you. And ... when royal we aren't doing AutoWin, we're doing me, yeah? That's wonderful, cause I'm ALWAYS DOING AUTOWIN! AND AUTOSTRADDLE! AND OURCHART! AND [REDACTED] MAGAZINE! AND SOON ... MINOR PHILANTHROPISTS. Where's my Sudoku? Hi. Think I'll create another alternate blog called AUTOMECHANIC; it'll deconstruct Shimizu's OurChart blogs, yeah? Yeah. xo, TB.

Ingrid said...

Ri, you know what phrase I think you should use more? "...under the precise strokes of his(or her) fingertips." That ended one of your high school stories, and I always remembered it as being so beautifully and poignantly descriptive.

Mercury said...

Things that made you laugh 2 years ago coincidentally make me laugh now.

I also wanted to say that the picture of you with the black and white and the computer and couch, is pretty awesome. Your hair looks shiny, and you have painted toenails. Plus for some reason I want to think it's not slanty even though it is, so it's slightly dizzying.

riese said...

that was "a man could touch a woman," eh, ing? our story!

omg rachel, where have you been? i must catch up with your blog. your lack of RSS feed continues to ruin my sad little life.

thanks, re: pic...layla took it after the last l word. thats how it made me feel: thank god its over, etc.

dear dear chicago said...

i was totally one of those "5 i never met" via your livejournal days - carl doesn't get all the credit for those 10 hits per day, though - i was a faithful follower. so faithful that i followed you to this blog, did i not? in all honesty, when i first started reading automatic win, i almost felt let down. for while i do find you incredibly witty and hilarious, and i honestly look forward to your top 10's, the marie i'd gotten to know over the years was much more open. she was the marie who told me stories of ex and current boyfriends, a marie who used names and explained why Rent, buckley, and wurtzel meant so much to her while at the same time cursing michigan and the macaroni grill. ohhhh those days feel so long ago. god, we're getting old.

Mercury said...

I've been reading, just not saying much, I guess. Or something like that.

I have no idea what to do about the RSS feed. Gargh.