Friday, March 16, 2007

The Gay Strai Alliance

According to Urban Dictionary:
Gay: "often used to describe something stupid or unfortunate. originating from homophobia. quite preferable among many teenage males in order to buff up their 'masculinity'"

According to me:

If you ARE gay, you can use it to mean whatever you want. Or if you're half-gay, like me, then you can do a blog entry that's 50% gay, 50% strai, and 100% lame. Also, I just proofread this blog (ok, not really, I have a slave for that, but I did just read it again), and realized I've mentioned anal penetration at least 100 times. SO GAY.

(Also, the tone of this particular post has been described as a bit negative. So FYI, I want you to know that I am a really happy person. Re: that, check out my
guestbian blog on ourchart! )

The Strai-est Shit Ever (part unx, but incorporated into gay part deux)
(also, I've snatched the term "strai" from
LN James, one of my most faithful and homosexual readers):

Elizabeth Hassleback, right now (11:08 AM), on "The View":
First: her shirt reminds me of the tapestries we hung on our boarding school windows and cited as valid decorating schemes.

Second: So, Rosie suggests that perhaps the multitude of confessions extracted from Khalid Sheikh Mohammed were garnered via torture, and Elizabeth has this miraculously clever insight: "Do you think he should have been given milk and cookies, an attorney, and been able to watch American Idol?" Really Papi? As the co-hosts pointed out, watching American Idol is a lot like torture. But I like the "milk and cookies" reference. Makes me think of Santa Claus. That'd be funny. First, we're going to drag you around on a rope and rape you up the ass. Want some Oreos? Elizabeth would like that, probs, because of 'Survivor.' Ho ho ho.

Garrison Keillor's Ridic Conservative Family Values article on
Some highlights:
"Monogamy put the parents in the background where they belong and we children were able to hold center stage. We didn't have to contend with troubled, angry parents demanding that life be richer and more rewarding for them."

"The country has come to accept stereotypical gay men -- sardonic fellows with fussy hair who live in over-decorated apartments with a striped sofa and a small weird dog and who worship campy performers and go in for flamboyance now and then themselves. If they want to be accepted as couples and daddies, however, the flamboyance may have to be brought under control."

Seriously, Garrison? You know, Prairie Home Companion has been wallowing in the nether regions of my Netflix queue for many months (I'm pumped for the Robert Altman/Lindsay Lohan matchup) but now I don't even like, want to see it anymore. I'll endure those five seasons of Nip/Tuck Hav recommended before I summon PHC. I'd protest your radio show too, but I don't have a radio. Is this how they do it on the prairie, for reals? Laura Ingalls Wielder is rolling over in her fictional grave, asshat. Obvs Garrisson hasn't seen Brokeback Mountain. Or been on an
R-Family Cruise. Then he'd change his mind.

"It is quite odd that a man married three times with kids by different women would write this piece."
-Anonymous commenter,

The Mail That Comes For the Girl Who Used to Live Here
I swear she didn't even do a change-of-address form.
I've spoken of her before ("The AlAnonitute"). She's the one who moved out after S exclaimed, "I'll fuck 'em both with a strap-on!" (re: "be quiet! I have roommates"), which was one of the Top Ten Moments of 2006. I think she also noticed that Maggie and I were doing a little re-creation of "Leaving Las Vegas" (which I've never seen, but I believe it involved drinking oneself to death). The AlAnonitute receives many offensive publications, including Time magazine, The Learning Annex Catalog, and mailings from various 'institutes' where she probably should have like--GONE--because she totally had a 10 foot crucifix up her ass. For example, I think she really could have evolved as a person if she had taken a workshop in "Tree Whispering" or a two-day retreat in "Awakening the Sacred Feminine." I don't know what the 'Sacred Feminine' is, but I have a feeling it would enjoy the firm but pleasurable experience of a 9-inch dildo. (Tara knows what it is, and apparently it's totally valid, and might not like a dildo. Eh, whatevs!)

The Contents of My Refrigerator, Which is Why my Diet is 50% 25-cent packs of Sandwich Cookies from the Deli

The Gayest Shit Ever (part deux, having nothing to do with actual homosexuality):

I don't get it, still. Seriously, I still don't get it! Don't you guys get in trouble for watching videos at work? Like, because of the NOISE? I thought the whole point of the internet was so we could do shit at work that is not actually work without anyone noticing. I just don't like it, or something. Hm.

I axed the spoiler-y part of this comment, but you get the idea. You can see, too, my gentle response.
tara: it's kind of a cheesy website. It reminds me of a mac or something.

me: It does. Aesthetically. They have a lot in common--this website, the mac computer.

tara: Like--what font is that? It's huge too. Kinda annoying.

me: I think it's Verdana.

tara: Who's this Rube person?

me: Dunno, it was a synonym for um--complicated. Along with Byzantine. And other zingers.
It's Lucinda Grande.
tara: yeah
me: that's gay.

tara: the whole site's gay.

me: i should write "the gayest shit ever: part duex. things that have nothing to do with homosexuality.""but are still gay."

tara: my favorite reference point online is columbia's bartleby thing.

me: hm, wheres that at.


me: "right after that preposition you used to end that sentence, marie."

holy shit. this place is fucking awesome.

tara: it has everything.

me: wheeee!!! the word of the day is "fustian." that's a good word.

tara: interesting. you'd think it was a typo for faustian.
or at least i would.
me: i thought it was?

This convo, which took place during my recent trip to the liqour store:
Hav (trying to quit Diet Doctor Pepper): "I'm taking your 'try bright lights' suggestion and going tanning to get more energy."

Me: "It's best if you can take a little nap in the tanning bed. Then you get the benefits of bright light and a little power nap--wait--hang on--(to the clerk)--and can I also have like, a small thing of Skyy?"

Hav: "Oh Riese, you're buying vodka?"

Me: (writing a magazine article that involves a lot of 'going out') "I've got a long week ahead of me."

Cheers, Gays/Strais/Et al.!


Jaime said...

"right after that preposition you used to end that sentence, marie."

Are you actively referencing [title of show], or am I out-dorking you there?

Rachel said...

your guestbian blog thing was beautiful/awesome. I also, do not get youtube. But I think I'd get it more if I didnt have dialup. I don't think I'd ever completey get it though...

haviland said...

No, Jaime, Riese is actively referencing Heather, who actively references [title of show]. ;)

I love you, R. Come tan with me.

nyradical said...

When Autowin wrote that line in chat, "right after that preposition you used to end that sentence, marie" I had no idea wtf she was talking about. Thought it was a John Donne thing. So many active references flying over my radar. Anyway, good job, Marie. "Unx" is a keeper, and ... we need a fucking synonym for "various"--like, right now. P.S. There're some chicks going non-functional manic over on your Guestbian comments. My favorite: "sometimes i think the computer is a monkey in a cage." Like, totes/obvs/pass the popcorn lesbo Don Quixote. P.S.S. I'm verifying "kokons"--totally a word.

LN James said...

If I may, I'd like to nominate Ohio to the strai list. At least in Indiana, you know things are gonna be all hoosier. Where I'm visiting now, it's strai all day (excluding the hottub last night, which I personally (personally) turned gay).

That's my two homo-cents, Win, buy yourself something pretty...