Monday, February 19, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: How You Got Here

My Mom met one of her first serious girlfriends on the internet. This was prime fodder for mocking from insolent children, but it didn't help that she recruited me to photograph her and her friends all grinning and holding a huge poster reading "welcome to Michigan [redacted]!". Obvs they were mailing it to her. This is really funny because now she has dial-up and uses AOL as her internet browser (which is so 1992) and I (as discussed in "the circle of craigslist" among other posts) owe so many things to the seemingly incidental choices I and my pals have made when entering search terms or browsing on myspace or blog-surfing or whatever. I owe my life to this webbernet I once scorned.

Which is one of many reasons why I (and most bloggers, I assume) are totally fascinated by the search terms that bring people right here, to my triad of self-love: "This Girl Called Automatic Win," "Automatic Straddle" and "Marie Lyn Bernard Dot Com." Whenever other bloggers post about theirs, I am like, half-asleep before I even get to 'what is the meaning of the word douchebag," but I think that people w/o site-meters and people who want happiness or joy in their life (I don't, so that's why I can sleep through yours) will really find this information to be quite a treat.

I've sorted through the masses of searches for Kim Stolz, the wheelers from Return to Oz, Katie Morgan, Jordan Catalano and Haviland Stillwell and, of course, me, to find the best and the brightest for today's:

SUNDAY TOP 10: REASONS YOU MIGHT BE HERE WITH ME, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW (VIA "INTERNET SEARCH") AND MY BEST ATTEMPTS TO MEET YOUR NEEDS!


10. 12th street duane reade intern
Does Duane Reade really have interns? If intern=glorified unpaid slave forced to do unpleasant shit-work like waiting in line at the post office and sending faxes, then what exactly do the interns do at Duane Reade that is more shitty than what the Duane Reade non-interns do? Dig through the boxes of clearance merchandise to extract all the broken glitter eyeshadow squeeze tubes that leaked all over the Coty Musk? What part of employee-ship do they not yet qualify for? They haven't yet mastered the art of doing absolutely nothing or not speaking English or staring wistfully into space, and by "space" I mean the ATM by the door, which isn't holding any of their money in it because they are only an intern?

9. "what is NSA Hookup?", "internet dating lingo nsa," "meaning nsa hookup"
This is way more common search term than you might imagine. Who are these people, and why me? Why here? I don't know but if I had to guess I would say: Because of Brian Kinney.
The Answer You Seek: As Liz Phair once sang: 'Fuck and Run, Fuck and Run.' That's right. If that girl you took out last week is responding to your telegrams and love letters with "I said it was NSA!" then dude, you gotta stop. No Strings Attached. Strings=babies, phone calls, dates, dinner, respect, mutual enjoyment, female orgasms, the hiv, the clap, anything red and itchy, emails, texts, IMs, mix tapes, flowers, diamonds, dreams for sale and fairy-tales.
(Side note: on craigslist, if a truly smokin' hot girl is offering an NSA hookup, there may be secret strings that involve cocaine or money or a girl who is actually not smokin' hot. Or you might just be the luckiest guy on the lower east side)

8. Tasti-D-Lite; the calories, etc.
The Answer You Seek: What really matters is who you are on the inside. Tasti-D-Lite probably has a lot more calories in it than they say it does (14-19 calories an ounce, FYI, and all the good flavors are closer to that higher number, aka all the variations on "Peanut Butter"). It's about how it makes you feel. As a person, and as an American. Also, Sherlock, you can check out www.tastidlite.com. I know! Crazy, you'd never guess. And about the caloric content of your tablespoon of sprinkles: Really, Papi? As India Arie once sang: "I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me, my feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes, I'm lovin what I see." HOLLA!

7. "Blogs On Girls Feelings Towards Dick Size"
First of all: if there is a blog devoted only to that topic (like, genuinely, I'm sure there are many fake porn sites in this genre), someone please tell me all about it, that sounds absolutely incredible. OK.
The Answer You Seek:
Here's the deal, I think: it really depends on the girl. Some girls are tighter and can't handle Dirk Diggler, and some girls can't stand the ego that usually accompanies a big one. Most girls don't care. That being said, of girls that do care: more girls like big dicks than small ones. If you have a small one, my advice is to become really good at oral sex, and make it into a joke, like a guy I once dated who'd be like "c'mon, it's three inches of heaven, baby," which was funny. Another interested reader wanted to know if Tom Selleck has an 8 or a 9 inch dick. I would say: 8.

6. Other sexy things:
6a: "gay guys on a boat rubbing lotion on their butts": the photo on the left is from 'Atlantis Cruises,' where you can find as many buttered butts as your heart desires.
6b: "daughters used panties": look in the laundry hamper. also: ew.
6c: "hot women with duct tape over their mouths": look in your basement. also, really? just be like "hey, woman, shut the fuck up." theres no need to whip out the duct tape. it would be good if you wanted to give her a stache wax though.
6d: "pictures of beautiful indian ladies of age more than 45 years": awww....in my fantasy world where everyone is kind and loving and does only good things to each other, this man was trying to find a nice framer of his wife.
6e: "overweight strip-o-gram": i only wish i knew what this had to do with me.
6f: "random trashy sluts": you have come to the right place. welcome.
6g: "girls kissing girls": see "6f"
6h: "anything for a hit of crack cocaine she orgasm fuck": I would recommend an NSA hookup. Ask for photos, and the more haggard and tore-up your partner looks, the better the chances are of crack cocaine. Also, how did that lead you here? I am troubled, somewhat, by this.


5. Fashion Advice:

Q: "Where can I find sweatpants like Ciara's in "Promise" in Michigan?"
A: TJ Maxx.

Q: "Can men 40 and over wear carpenter jeans?"
A: No, unless they are a carpenter.

Q: "how to shave and get soft satiny smooth legs"
A: Men's Nivea shave gel for sensitive skin with Nivea aftershave for sensitive skin. It's for men, but we are living in a new world of gender flexibility and expanded freedom for women, or something. Which is probably why you are so concerned about the satin-level of your legs. For your independence.

Q: "dating advice or what to wear on a first date my dress or jeans to top restaurant"
A: What do you mean "top restaurant"? Are you eating at Top of the Rocks in the Rockefeller Center? I would say that you should wear black pants, boots, and something low-cut. Actually I would recommend selecting a costume, for example: "deep sea diver" or "tops: the supermarket"

Q: "how much do delias models weigh?"
A: less than you. But really, they seem a little shorter than runway models, and younger, so I would guess that they are about 5'8 and probably weigh about 115. That being said, I have no clue why Delias shirts come so wide and short. It's deceptive, like how they plump up the meat for Big Mac commercials.

Q: "why girls like hard tail pants."
A: I have been wearing the same two pairs of hard tail pants since the summer of 2003, and I have worn these pants--at times--almost every single goddamn day, I would estimate all-in-all my hard tail pants have been worn at least 700 times, and they don't have any holes in them. Unlike the yoga pants I bought at Express, American Apparel, Mandees and Modell's Sporting Goods. Oh also because we are sheep.

Q: "febreeze for hair"
A: Natalie, look! Someone else had the same brilliant idea that you did and that I quoted you on last year!


4. Health Advice:
Q: "What happens physically during a mental breakdown"
A: Um, this:

exhibit a: recognition/resignation exhibit b: exaggerated glee

Q: "help jesus i'm losing my hair"
A: Man, Jesus don't give a shit about your hair.

Q: "doctors appointments pregnancy why"
A: Have you ever tried to help someone give birth to a baby without a doctor? Have you ever stuck your arm, elbow-deep, into the vaginal canal of a pregnant woman and extracted the bloody crying fetus from her uterus? Then have you reached for a pair of gardening shears and then snapped that cord, trying not to get blood in your eyes? Probably not, because there are doctors that do that.
Did that gross you out? I'm really taking this blog to another level, and that level is "gross."
But seriously dude if this is like "Woman, why you makin' me go to the doctor to see if you're pregnant? I'll tell you right now woman you are getting FAT and I mean that with an "F" not a "PH"!


3. Relationship Advice
Q: "girlfriend needs to be called all the time"
A: Are you sure that's the problem? I mean, most girls I know don't need to be called 'all the time,' they just need to be called 'when you said you would.' If she really wants you to call her "all the time," then she's a fucktard. Break up.

Q: "how to win married lover"
A: I'd like to refer you to the classic film "When Harry Met Sally":
Marie: The point is, he just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife. I don't think he's ever gonna leave her.
Sally Albright: No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.
Marie
: You're right, you're right, I know you're right.

Q: "why duane don't like to do laundry"
A: Because if he doesn't do it, I bet you will. Which is easier for him. He should try to get an internship at Duane Reade, I bet he'd be a shoo-in because his name is Duane and he is already lazy.

2. "mean bitchy quotes," "lesbian bisexual women girl trend 2007," "straight tomboys," "college ennui," "duane reade ghetto," "top ten reasons to break up on valentines day,"
Sometimes I feel like there really is a God--like some sort of "master plan," you know, fate, cosmos, etc.--when someone searches for things like those things and ends up somewhere like here.

1. All Things L Word
I realize this may not be of particular interest to many Automatic Win readers, so you'll be able to read this section in it's entirety on Automatic Straddle, if you so desire. But who doesn't like lesbian sex? Oh wait....they don't have sex on the L Word. I mean, they do, but even when they do, there is often gigantic art installations made of metal and plastic chairs blocking our eyes from their tits. So, if you are looking for recaps or screencaps, want to know where to get Shane's underwear, who plays Lindsay the vet, or know if KC and Elka are girlfriends...follow my link....[Number One, The L Word]


10 comments:

nyradical said...

Why am I up? Why? It's 10:30 am, my day off. Anyway ... googleschaden/sitemeter = fun. My theory's that people just totally let loose and douchey on searches, thinking no one'll ever see them. My favorite of these: "doctors appointments pregnancy why." And the Duane Reade one. And and and--NSA hookups. I'd love to date someone nostringsattached who works for the National Security Agency. Fun. Phonetaps, etc. Yay.

And, I saw two seconds of the L Word--still can't bring myself to watch that, or TV for that matter. The dialogue was like, "Put down the grenade," or something. I got scared and ran away.

haviland said...

What happens physically during a mental breakdown? HILARIOUS.

But, you know, "there's beauty in the breakdown..."

Which, obvs, there is.

goneundercover said...

i use to just stare at those delia's models, wondering, calculating... thank you for answering one of my life's biggest questions.
fortunately, i can move on. unfortunately, now i have the hard task of finding another seemingly impossible question to occupy/distract myself with...
careful with your answers there; your knowledge can be dangerous to the rest of us!

Book Cannibal said...

Speaking of The L Word, those Chinese DVDs I borrowed won't work in my DVD player! Booo. So without season 1, there is literally no sex on The L Word for me. None.

Does Shane's underwear come from American Apparrel?

riese said...

i know it's all about the danger danger...i love how people just will type in anything at all...when anyone types in a search on my comptuer and sees my search terms come up on google i cringe in embarassment. I mean, they are really often quite absurd. It's a choice made in a blink of an eye!

What's really amazing is the amount of people who will come here within the next week to learn about Tasti-D-Lite...

Shane's underwear: Hugo Boss, dude!

Danger Danger
Riese

Rachel said...

I found your site (months ago, before you were so popular) by searching something like bisexuality, or bisexual women, or bisexual girls. probably not bisexual girls, because that would probably return a lot of pervert's blogs. It was on technorati or the blogger blog search.

Search terms really are great though, highly entertaining. Except for mine. I search boring things. Like most recently, "Shears" - I find it highly entertaining that you mentioned gardening shears in this post.

riese said...

rachel: really? that is maybe the most bizarre search of all though, because what are the chances that you would search for bisexual girls (which, oddly enough, didn't show up once in the 4,000 most recent search terms used, though you'd imagine it would be more common, right?) and end up finding someone who'd graduated from the boarding school you were about to attend? I always assumed you found me somehow through interlochen--when i was on livejournal i had a few "LJ" friends who found me by looking for people who went to interlochen because they were considering going there or had gone there after me. anyhow....weird!

shears? mmmm...i wonder if i am getting a lot of britney spears/shears searches because that would be amazing. oh! i bet that actually is why you were looking for shears. cuz of hair?

Rachel said...

Yeah, that was freakcidence. Pretty cool though. Because yours was also the first blog I went to from the search term. And then since it was cool, it was also the last.

Yeah, I was searching shears because of hair. And also, it's such a cool word. "scissors" is cool too, but less so.

Annie said...

When I was a teen I was obsessed with the Delia's models... how cool, spry, lithe, doe-eyed, etc they all were. Now I look at the catalog and they just look like bug-eyed 14 y/o freaks. So my question is: Have Delia*s models changed, or have WE changed?

nsa sex said...

Agreed