Which is one of many reasons why I (and most bloggers, I assume) are totally fascinated by the search terms that bring people right here, to my triad of self-love: "This Girl Called Automatic Win," "Automatic Straddle" and "Marie Lyn Bernard Dot Com." Whenever other bloggers post about theirs, I am like, half-asleep before I even get to 'what is the meaning of the word douchebag," but I think that people w/o site-meters and people who want happiness or joy in their life (I don't, so that's why I can sleep through yours) will really find this information to be quite a treat.
I've sorted through the masses of searches for Kim Stolz, the wheelers from Return to Oz, Katie Morgan, Jordan Catalano and Haviland Stillwell and, of course, me, to find the best and the brightest for today's:
SUNDAY TOP 10: REASONS YOU MIGHT BE HERE WITH ME, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW (VIA "INTERNET SEARCH") AND MY BEST ATTEMPTS TO MEET YOUR NEEDS!
10. 12th street duane reade intern
Does Duane Reade really have interns? If intern=glorified unpaid slave forced to do unpleasant shit-work like waiting in line at the post office and sending faxes, then what exactly do the interns do at Duane Reade that is more shitty than what the Duane Reade non-interns do? Dig through the boxes of clearance merchandise to extract all the broken glitter eyeshadow squeeze tubes that leaked all over the Coty Musk? What part of employee-ship do they not yet qualify for? They haven't yet mastered the art of doing absolutely nothing or not speaking English or staring wistfully into space, and by "space" I mean the ATM by the door, which isn't holding any of their money in it because they are only an intern?
9. "what is NSA Hookup?", "internet dating lingo nsa," "meaning nsa hookup"
This is way more common search term than you might imagine. Who are these people, and why me? Why here? I don't know but if I had to guess I would say: Because of Brian Kinney.
The Answer You Seek: As Liz Phair once sang: 'Fuck and Run, Fuck and Run.' That's right. If that girl you took out last week is responding to your telegrams and love letters with "I said it was NSA!" then dude, you gotta stop. No Strings Attached. Strings=babies, phone calls, dates, dinner, respect, mutual enjoyment, female orgasms, the hiv, the clap, anything red and itchy, emails, texts, IMs, mix tapes, flowers, diamonds, dreams for sale and fairy-tales.
(Side note: on craigslist, if a truly smokin' hot girl is offering an NSA hookup, there may be secret strings that involve cocaine or money or a girl who is actually not smokin' hot. Or you might just be the luckiest guy on the lower east side)
8. Tasti-D-Lite; the calories, etc.
The Answer You Seek: What really matters is who you are on the inside. Tasti-D-Lite probably has a lot more calories in it than they say it does (14-19 calories an ounce, FYI, and all the good flavors are closer to that higher number, aka all the variations on "Peanut Butter"). It's about how it makes you feel. As a person, and as an American. Also, Sherlock, you can check out www.tastidlite.com. I know! Crazy, you'd never guess. And about the caloric content of your tablespoon of sprinkles: Really, Papi? As India Arie once sang: "I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me, my feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes, I'm lovin what I see." HOLLA!
7. "Blogs On Girls Feelings Towards Dick Size"
First of all: if there is a blog devoted only to that topic (like, genuinely, I'm sure there are many fake porn sites in this genre), someone please tell me all about it, that sounds absolutely incredible. OK.
The Answer You Seek: Here's the deal, I think: it really depends on the girl. Some girls are tighter and can't handle Dirk Diggler, and some girls can't stand the ego that usually accompanies a big one. Most girls don't care. That being said, of girls that do care: more girls like big dicks than small ones. If you have a small one, my advice is to become really good at oral sex, and make it into a joke, like a guy I once dated who'd be like "c'mon, it's three inches of heaven, baby," which was funny. Another interested reader wanted to know if Tom Selleck has an 8 or a 9 inch dick. I would say: 8.
6. Other sexy things:
6a: "gay guys on a boat rubbing lotion on their butts": the photo on the left is from 'Atlantis Cruises,' where you can find as many buttered butts as your heart desires.
6b: "daughters used panties": look in the laundry hamper. also: ew.
6c: "hot women with duct tape over their mouths": look in your basement. also, really? just be like "hey, woman, shut the fuck up." theres no need to whip out the duct tape. it would be good if you wanted to give her a stache wax though.
6d: "pictures of beautiful indian ladies of age more than 45 years": awww....in my fantasy world where everyone is kind and loving and does only good things to each other, this man was trying to find a nice framer of his wife.
6e: "overweight strip-o-gram": i only wish i knew what this had to do with me.
6f: "random trashy sluts": you have come to the right place. welcome.
6g: "girls kissing girls": see "6f"
6h: "anything for a hit of crack cocaine she orgasm fuck": I would recommend an NSA hookup. Ask for photos, and the more haggard and tore-up your partner looks, the better the chances are of crack cocaine. Also, how did that lead you here? I am troubled, somewhat, by this.
5. Fashion Advice:
A: TJ Maxx.
Q: "Can men 40 and over wear carpenter jeans?"
A: No, unless they are a carpenter.
Q: "how to shave and get soft satiny smooth legs"
A: Men's Nivea shave gel for sensitive skin with Nivea aftershave for sensitive skin. It's for men, but we are living in a new world of gender flexibility and expanded freedom for women, or something. Which is probably why you are so concerned about the satin-level of your legs. For your independence.
Q: "dating advice or what to wear on a first date my dress or jeans to top restaurant"
Q: "how much do delias models weigh?"
A: less than you. But really, they seem a little shorter than runway models, and younger, so I would guess that they are about 5'8 and probably weigh about 115. That being said, I have no clue why Delias shirts come so wide and short. It's deceptive, like how they plump up the meat for Big Mac commercials.
Q: "why girls like hard tail pants."
A: I have been wearing the same two pairs of hard tail pants since the summer of 2003, and I have worn these pants--at times--almost every single goddamn day, I would estimate all-in-all my hard tail pants have been worn at least 700 times, and they don't have any holes in them. Unlike the yoga pants I bought at Express, American Apparel, Mandees and Modell's Sporting Goods. Oh also because we are sheep.
Q: "febreeze for hair"
A: Natalie, look! Someone else had the same brilliant idea that you did and that I quoted you on last year!
Q: "What happens physically during a mental breakdown"
A: Um, this:
exhibit a: recognition/resignation exhibit b: exaggerated glee
Q: "help jesus i'm losing my hair"
A: Man, Jesus don't give a shit about your hair.
Q: "doctors appointments pregnancy why"
A: Have you ever tried to help someone give birth to a baby without a doctor? Have you ever stuck your arm, elbow-deep, into the vaginal canal of a pregnant woman and extracted the bloody crying fetus from her uterus? Then have you reached for a pair of gardening shears and then snapped that cord, trying not to get blood in your eyes? Probably not, because there are doctors that do that.
Did that gross you out? I'm really taking this blog to another level, and that level is "gross."
But seriously dude if this is like "Woman, why you makin' me go to the doctor to see if you're pregnant? I'll tell you right now woman you are getting FAT and I mean that with an "F" not a "PH"!
3. Relationship Advice
Q: "girlfriend needs to be called all the time"
A: Are you sure that's the problem? I mean, most girls I know don't need to be called 'all the time,' they just need to be called 'when you said you would.' If she really wants you to call her "all the time," then she's a fucktard. Break up.
Q: "how to win married lover"
A: I'd like to refer you to the classic film "When Harry Met Sally":
Marie: The point is, he just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife. I don't think he's ever gonna leave her.
Sally Albright: No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.
Marie: You're right, you're right, I know you're right.
Q: "why duane don't like to do laundry"
A: Because if he doesn't do it, I bet you will. Which is easier for him. He should try to get an internship at Duane Reade, I bet he'd be a shoo-in because his name is Duane and he is already lazy.
2. "mean bitchy quotes," "lesbian bisexual women girl trend 2007," "straight tomboys," "college ennui," "duane reade ghetto," "top ten reasons to break up on valentines day,"
Sometimes I feel like there really is a God--like some sort of "master plan," you know, fate, cosmos, etc.--when someone searches for things like those things and ends up somewhere like here.
1. All Things L Word
I realize this may not be of particular interest to many Automatic Win readers, so you'll be able to read this section in it's entirety on Automatic Straddle, if you so desire. But who doesn't like lesbian sex? Oh wait....they don't have sex on the L Word. I mean, they do, but even when they do, there is often gigantic art installations made of metal and plastic chairs blocking our eyes from their tits. So, if you are looking for recaps or screencaps, want to know where to get Shane's underwear, who plays Lindsay the vet, or know if KC and Elka are girlfriends...follow my link....[Number One, The L Word]