Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Auto-Fun of the Day :: 6-4-2008

Two major announcements:

1. Tomorrow (Thursday) evening, while the rest of you are watching Friends and Seinfeld, Carly and I will be creating a vlog for your entertainment pleasure. If you have any questions for Carly, topics you'd like to see discussed, L Word scenes you'd like re-enacted or special comments about the DUke of eDunburgh award you'd like to hear out loud, please do say so.

2. As you may or may not've gleamed from my careful presentation of Haviland's personality traits, Haviland and I are very different. For example; Haviland plans ahead for the future, and I live as if I will get hit by a car tomorrow. Also, because I drink and have ADD (and she doesn't), it's far more likely that I will get hit by a car tomorrow. Haviland's type is "whomever is on the cover of MORE magazine," and I'm a little more Teen Vogue. What's the point of all this? Well, because of our divergent approaches to life, we give very different advice, like Lipstick & Dipstick!*

SO! We're gonna start an advice column segment here on Auto-Win; we think it'll be funny. We've been talking about this for about nine months now, which tells you how good I am at getting things off the ground. "Launching" if you will. I secretly give really good advice. Many of you perfect strangers enjoy telling me about your girl troubles anyhow, so I figure this way it'll be official.

We'd like to stress that this is not a girls-only advice column. This is for men, women, men who used to be women, women who used to be men, people who don't believe in gender, and stuffed animals.

And, if you give us your address, Haviland will mail you an autographed headshot sprayed with her perfume. I haven't run this part by her yet, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

E-mail your questions for Hav & Riese's yet-unnamed advice column:
You can be anonymous or named. Whatevs. Ask anything.

* The advice columnists at Curve: The Lesbo Magazine.

quote:""That's the thing about depression: If you really allow yourself to feel it, it gets very boring, very fast." (Brenda, Six Feet Under)

1. I would really like an Obama-Clinton ticket, thank you. (@nytimes)
2. In Case of Actual Death. (@kfan)
3. Lisa Simpson: Feminist Hero -- a supreme video montage. (@jezebel)
3. I can't really say anything about this article without being sarcastic, so um, here it is: "The Science of Sarcasm" (@nytimes)
4. "Tour-Ettes Syndrome": a ride on the Sex and the City bus. (@radar)
5. "Conversations My Parents Must Have Had While Planning to Rasie a Child"
DAD: I don't think we should talk about feelings.
MOM: Never.
6. The Art of Complaining (@financial times)
7. How lovely: Why Poetry Matters. (@the independent)
8. E.g., Hoop by Rae Armatrout. (@poetry)
9. I don't know why I find this unbelievably interesting, but I do: "What I Ate This Morning: A 60-Person Poll." I had a Lean Pocket and a Venti Iced Skim Latte, FYI. You? (@nymag)
10. [Photos: Julia Fullerton-Batten]


emily kate said...

i remember some improv comedy skit several years ago where a pair of new parents were having a discussion like that and the culminating joke was the dad deciding to wear a huge mascot-dog head for the first 13 or so years of the kid's life.
I could use some advice, actually. My girlfriend is moving cross-country to live with me (we've lived together before, so those dynamics are worked out): what should I do to make the transition as easy and pleasant as possible once she's here?
Hold off on the pic of Haviland, though. I don't want to give my sweetie any good reasons to extend her move all the way to LA once she sees what she's missing out there...

Haviland Stillwell said...

emily, darling,

the first piece of advice is to follow instructions and send this question to the email address listed in the post. We will be happy to advise you from there. :)

Haviland Girl

emily kate said...

ah, yes. good point, that. Will do! :)

Dave Lozo said...

my ass. telling me to kiss that dude was horrible advice. sure, it was really nice, but he broke my heart like every other guy you've told me to kiss. be wary of MLB, people.

i have a question for carly:

Dear Carly,

Hey, what's up? First time, long time. My question is, what percentage of girls wind up making out with Marie Lyn Bernard after meeting her? Please rule out uggos and girls MLB does not want to make out with. Also, if you can't give me a definite number, just ballpark it, please. Thanks.

Keep reaching for the stars,


green said...

advice column. genius.

Dave Lozo said...

i signed my fucking name Looz. Looz lips sink ships.

caitlin said...

oh boy, this is going to get crazy. i think i'm all set on the mlb/hps advice, but you know that i have a question for carly and i surriously hope it gets answered.

Mindy said...

An advice column is a brilliant idea. Also - you have the best links and quotes. Seriously, every time I read them I want to steal them, tell my friends about it and pretend I found these fun things myself. But i'm not cool enough to pull off those sorts of hijinks.

Loved the SATC post too. It was a great example of turning a lip-gloss-esque topic into something meaningful.

caitlin said...

oh also, i had puffins and yogurt for breakfast, just fyi.

green said...

also, re: What I Had For Breakfast, do you think Bryan Mignone meant actual coke, or the soft drink?

carlytron said...

Cait I would love to know what your question is. I hope it is "what should we call our basketball team, if we find enough people to make our own team?" My answer is (obvs) whatever they called themselves on the L Word when they played basketball that one time. Or the Rockford Peaches.

eric mathew said...

Hey Carly,

I think we dress alike... which is a good thing. Anyway, I am currently a film student and will have 6 months off next year to intern. I saw that you have worked for Pink Sneaker and I actually sent in to them last week. Any advice you can give me.

Oh and hey riese. love you. i'm 21 in july so get tink ready.

caitlin said...

dj c- i feel like the l word girls were the bushy asses, but i might be mistaken, we'll make a team, i'll be intense like alice. riese knows my question and god willing will totally make the magic happen tomorrrrrrrow.. WHEEE

riese said...

emily kate: OOO! I have a lot of feelings about cohabitation, so we're already off to a rip-roaring start! Howevs, I would say that defo the first step to making someone feel comfy is to put a big photo of Haviland over your bed. That's what I do, and though I don't have a live-in girlfriend, people have been known to "spend the night." Just sayin.

Looz: It may've not worked out in the long term w/r/t your heart, but it sure was hot for all of us to watch! Hey-o! Also by "MLB" I assume you mean major league baseball. Also, as you know it's 0%, but I'll shoot the q Carly's way tomorrow.

green: approximately once every 4-6 weeks, genius strikes.

dave lozo: that's not all they do.

caitlin: Even though you claim to be all set on mlb/hps advice, you can look forward to many many more years of it! wheeeee!!!

mindy: It is my expert advice that you are cool enough to pull off those sorts of hijinks. I am so glad that you felt that way about the SATC post, 'cause that's what I was hoping for. (I'm being serious) (srsly)

caitlin: oh, good call with the puffins, holla.

green: I wondered that as well, and concluded he has cocaine eyes, and also. also. Martin McLoughlin said "a coke," so. Hats off to everyone who had alcohol at breakfast.

carlytron: My question is; "Who's the most supreme untapped talent for your basketball team?" and the answer of course is, "Me." I vote Rockford Peaches ... just ... FYI.

eric matthew: we will discuss. I can't believe you're not 21 yet. I am 100 years old. Tinkerbell is so ready, she's been getting really skinny and could defo use a vodka-tonic or 10. ASAP/stat.

caitlin: wheeeeee!

carlytron said...

cait - I'm on the edge of my seat.

riese - bring it.

eric matthew - let's chat ... hyperdonut at gmail.

Anonymous said...

Is it a bad thing that I totes ignore the majority of my feed readers in favor of your Auto-Funs? Because I totally do. (Also, I think that my parents had some of the exact same conversations as were depicted in that McSweeney's piece. Awesome.)

I don't feel like I really *need* any advice these days (I KNOW, shocker, right?!), but I am totally going to come up with something for you and Hav because I think it sounds like an awesome endeavor. (As long as I get a head shot of both of you. And that's not stalkerish or anything because I am a cute gay boy stranded in the middle of the Pacific. Ha.)

Also, could I have USED "awesome" more times in this reply? Please kill me.