Saturday, August 14, 2010

i wrote this blog post on april 26, 2010 but never published it. i forgot it existed. it seems like such a long time ago

Sometimes at night I get really scared. Panic angles for space between my lungs. My lungs are pissed off and so the panic sticks out like a shoebox. I bang my head on my desk. Nothing works. I misplaced my tweezers and now my eyebrow is bleeding.

I think, I'm scared. I think, there's so much going on. My cheek is on the surface of the desk, like a lot of things: a roll of toilet paper, a lighter, a nail file, two stones from Northern Michigan, a stick of deodorant, a hard drive. My lawyer's business card. My Vocabulary Did This To Me: The Collective Poetry of Jack Spicer.

In the morning I walk to the kitchen. I consider the kitchen. I want coffee. I look at Natalie's coffee but there doesn't seem to be enough. I wash a spoon. I move other clean utensils around to fit the spoon in. I put a few forks away and get out a plate to eat food on top of. I look in the refrigerator but there's no food and I have no pants on.

I put on pants. That's one step. I find two more links for the daily fix and open at least two windows with 3-4 tabs apiece. I feel very successful when I can close a six-tab window. Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure, I want to close all six of those motherfucking tabs! I am DONE with all six of that shit. Fuck you gmail, fuck you action method, goodbye netflix i am not watching skins right now, twitter wtf, oh gmail again you sneaky bastard. autostraddle, autotstraddle. I'm sure.

In two or ten minutes I'm already od'ing on new tabs already. I close my laptop and put on a shirt. I look at myself in the mirror but I don't like it.

I think it might be time to go to the gym, eat a meal, or take my medication. The third option is quickest, so I do that first. I put on gym pants, which is 10% of the process to get me out the door. I debate finishing the Fix before or after the gym. I like to return from the gym with all fixes completed or published, so that when I return I can start on tomorrow's editorial projects, catch up on emails or other administrative shit.

I think, I need to eat. But also I need to write emails. I have no pants on. I need coffee the most. So then I get clothes on and put on my glasses and hoodie and go to the deli for a bagel and an iced coffee while I look at emails and start preparing my heart to spend the next 10 hours in overdrive. I am a car on a track, it's easy as that. Or I am a conductor of an orchestra, and everyone's chewing gum.




It's been an hour and finally I am onto something. i've picked the story and now I am investigating or writing words about it. The investigating is fun, I feel like a real journalist, I put on my best Lois Lane impression of Lois Lane couldn't ever leave her office except when Superman picked her up.



Sometimes at night I get scared listening to music in the smoky dark. I get scared that the part of my brain where I store feelings I have no space for (it's like a storage closet, but more plushy because of the brain tissue) is reaching maximum capacity, like thinking about how this thing is too big to fail but too big to go on this way, and how I'm not sure what I can do to make it better, which is why I work so much every day to make it better, and do my job better than I've done anything, and even when it's not good, it's my best.

I love you all so much; I love you like the game where you hold the parachute up it in the air and then all go collapse inside of it. You make me feel like nonsense and I love you, children.


I love these young creatures.


That there are monsters in my hair

People who never knew me this way (as autowin)
Now take to autowin like detectives or supervisors
which feels like my tentative, elongated hands, hovering over the keyboard like
i'm in the fucking Matrix

I get scared that my friends are monsters
I am scared because my friends are monsters
I am scared because I love my friends
I am scared because I do not do enough for my friends
I am scared because I am behind
I am scared because we need to sell ads
I am scared because this is a video game where nobody gets points, but they lose energy, and what do we do when we've sucked everybody's energy?
I am scared because we can't always get what we want
I am scared because nothing belongs to me anymore
I am scared of doing the same things over and over again but with different actors playing the same role, in a different scene

I want to eat everyone I love. I want to get everyone I love into a house together. We can eat dinner and afterwards collapse into each other like simple animals. There will be peace in the morning. Rain or shine.

I'll draw back the curtains, unafraid. See I like the curtains. I like the darkness and the light. I'll like darkness and the light then, too.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is such a beautiful piece. You are so deserving of a lot of things. I can't even put into words how much you inspire me. All i can say is things will get better.

kells said...

I love you. That's all I need to say right now...

Haviland said...

i love you always and for this:
" I want to eat everyone I love. I want to get everyone I love into a house together. We can eat dinner and afterwards collapse into each other like simple animals. There will be peace in the morning. Rain or shine.

I'll draw back the curtains, unafraid. See I like the curtains. I like the darkness and the light. I'll like darkness and the light then, too."

Always my riesling. ily hps

Roxy said...

No pressure but...I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR BOOK. and when I say "I CAN'T WAIT" it really means "I can wait." I cant wait as long as I'm alive because honestly I want you to have it for you, but really I'd buy it in a heartbeat the first second I find out about its existence. Like, autowin is so real. And it's so refreshing, because it feels so hard to find anything so real these days. And it's amazing that you can express it like that, like what it is, real. I'm sure you probably hide things and fabricate truths but for all that it's worth, your writing is the realest I've read in a while and I love you for that. Keep doing what you do grrl!! And remember there is a reason you inspire so many people; if it was possible for us to think completely objectively, you'd inspire yourself like crazy, I feel.

laneia said...

i am glad i get to keep you.

"couldn't ever leave her office except when Superman picked her up."
i relate to this.

there are points to be earned riese! these are the points! this is the energy to replace what was used:

"You make me feel like nonsense and I love you, children."

Mercury said...

you're so beautiful it hurts to look at you
or your words are so beautiful it hurts to read them

in a good hurt way
I have faith in you, to succeed/figure it out/continue in amazingness
and when I have a job, I will donate to autostraddle

Bokolis said...

There's a little less light in this town.

This channeling of your brilliance is not going as well as I'd like, mainly because there's too much of it to sort.

I'm wondering when you'll start throwing stuff out...you're definitely holding on to too much.

Granted, it's a byproduct of living on the margins, but I especially hope the fear leaves you. You may just have to wait for the other side of (cringe) 30.

Speaking of dirty words, word verif...sucio