Thursday, November 26, 2009

I Fill Those Spaces With My Lies

On the Sweet Cruise during the first week of November I slept. I slept a lot, I slept on a hammock in Cozumel in the shade for ten minutes and in our bed at four pm or maybe later, or maybe earlier, and I slept on the pool deck at all hours, internationally. I slept sandwiched between two and I slept with limbs sprawled; alone. I slept while you spoke, I slept while I spoke. I slept on the airplane to New Orleans and I slept on the airplane back from New Orleans. I slept for maybe only a minute while you slept for thirty minutes with your tiny open mouth at my back in the New Orleans afternoon the day we got back; in that high-ceilinged room of silence and your supple, warm breathing.

After hitting my head in Roatan, when I couldn't tell if the alarm incited by the humming jellyfish wearily holding my brain in place was the weed or the abrupt contact with that concrete gate (which, like getting my bellybutton pierced (I would tell people later) was So Painful but also so sudden and so momentary that I wouldn't necessarily fear it again), I did that thing I do in my brain when I try to figure out if I can act like I'm OK or not, which lately has been one of my strongest indicators of overall health -- not health or happiness itself, but my ability to imitate those emotions or project those impressions or inspire those reactions. I am not certain that I am wrong to describe health that way.

I enjoyed the freedom to be warm & silent.

The trouble with going into business with your friends & loved ones is that to be successful one must project an image of success at all times.

This is not easy, I was not prepared for this. I want the recession to be over but it isn't. I wanted Plan B and Plan C but neither exist anymore. I want to be known for something other than being addicted to work which isn't actually true, I'm just addicted to progress.

I comfort myself with the lives of legends although I'm not one.

I lie down on fields of nothing and let jellyfish ghosts eat my face alive and then I call it The Future.

I miss cash.

See I have high arches in my feet, like unusually high, which is where I'd store the money after that job I don't talk about. I miss the wads of money large enough to prop the arch of my foot right up, almost turn my foot to its side, and I miss the money fatter than my wallet could handle. I miss being casual with money -- the dollar bill rescued from a coat pocket, stored in the glass jar with pencils, or the extra ten for the waitress. I miss owning the money I'd worked for and how easy it was to secure it at the time and I wish I'd spent it on things besides debt, I wish it'd been pure and joyful and I wish it was still in my shoe, safe from East Harlem's alleged robbers who'd reach everywhere but never my feet, they told me. I loved that transaction being over and both of us squared away because I miss the ease and definitive actions of commerce. I miss being allowed to care about money, I miss the vehicle to get it immediately; the key in the ignition and the drive.

I miss the romance of money.
I miss the taste of money so
There; I've said it. And you?
Do you, too?


I have never been as certain as I am now that if anyone can do this, we can do this.

I hate that there are people who've been able to help us who instead have gone out of theirr way to fuck us up and I hate that I can't talk about who those people are.

I love that there are unexpected people who have emerged to help us and say that we're all in this together. I honestly love those people.

I hate everything no-one can talk about. If you haven't noticed that about me already.

I wish I could write here without feeling like it meant something big or that someone I work with/for/becauseof would like be disappointed or some crap.


Often times, it's its weirdness, its unexpectedness, its complete uniqueness, that makes it seem to hold such potential for exception.

Because for a group of people with so many words and pictures and ideas between us, we have none to describe this, are never so stunned when asked to explain why by someone who isn't with us in middle earth. Besides to say something revolutionary and naive and stubborn, which is to say it reminds us of ourselves in a way so powerful that to let it remind you of yourself would bring nothing but joy to you, or else you could get burned or scorched, too.


I know these thoughts and sentences literally don't make sense. I try to make sentences make sense all day but sometimes I'm tired, and feel stupid


saint modesto said...

i love you so much. and i would give you a billion dollars if i could. you are so smart and amazing and this is going to work. #smallearth

riese said...

I LOVE YOU TOO emily choo

crystal said...

I miss money too. I miss everything that came with it, making things better. I wish I could still do that now, we could. Keep projecting 'til you don't need to, champ. Emily's got you pegged, it won't be long.

carlytron said...

i love the future. it's bright like the sun and smells like money, unicorns and awesome.

laura said...

emily choo loves you and i love you and so many people love you and love what you're doing. i want to live in a world where instead of having a job to have a job, you can make amazing things and that can be your life and you can make money for it. it's coming, i think.

Amy said...

I think y'all have been doing an excellent job and things should (have to?) turn upward soon.

Also, I look forward to the days of easy money. And beaches. And sleep.

Anonymous said...

Hey I'm just de-lurking to add to the chorus of encouragement/praise. I've been reading autowin archives + autostraddle for a few weeks. I think it would be inappropriate to say I love you but I do think you're awesome and will have much success. Just keep at it, go go go, and so on!
Sincirely, Niklas.

Haviland said...

perfect way to describe health. level of ability to pretend all is good at the time. i love that.

Daphne said...

I love you!
Belgium loves you!
The World loves you!
You know these things,I told you them before, I even wrote them down and sent them to you.

Last week my therapist asked what choise I made in my life I was most thankfull of been taken. I talked about AS and the Team and You the rest of the therapy session.
I thought I was afraid to tell you this because admitting it would make me afraid. And only words don't do the Wonderfull Person you are justice. You deserve more. More money. More love. The undescribable.

I know it's going to work out. I just know. I also know patiently waiting on the future is hard but I know you can do it. We will all help you with that.

Mercury said...

that is all.

juliaoa said...

I want to say things will get better and everything will be ok. Thats what everyone tells me. I don't know if everything will ever be amazing, but I know that things happen for a reason.You have gotten this far and that has to count for something. There are times that are safe and warm, times when you are drinking coronas on the white sand, and there are times when your stomach hurts from hunger and your apt. is too cold or too hot and you can't do anything about it. I believe in your bruised face to accomplish amazing things.

riese said...

crystal: You still do that now, you make things better. You always make things better.

carlytron: I know you were high when you wrote this but I am pretty sure it is still totally true. unicorns smell like money, awesome and future.

laura: AW! I love you and I love Emily Choo and i want to live a life where making things is amazing, maybe we can make the future happen b/c people aren't into the present so much anymore. maybe that's the key. To live in that world.

Amy: Thank you for your faith and kind wishes of prosperity, Amy!

Niklas. thank you dear Niklas! I will, and thank you for reading and for the support!

Haviland: Yes, my inner monologue during these times is always "pull it together, Stillwell." Seriously, it is.

Daphne: Aw, that warms my heart too! You're always warming my heart all the way from belguim. I like being brought up in other peoples' therapy as a helpful person, like it gives me a good rep with the therapeutic community. but also i saw pinkerbell on your facebook tonight and got REALLY EXCITED.

thanks for this:
I know it's going to work out. I just know. I also know patiently waiting on the future is hard but I know you can do it. We will all help you with that.

Merc: <3 ditto my formerly eskimo heart-artist.

juliaoa: I believe in your bruised face too! and that the apartments and nights will get warmer and that there has to be more corona on the beach (with random topless lesbians?) and warm breathing on the neck, and we might as well believe it will get better because it has to, the loneliness and all of it. sidenote; my apartment is no longer a sauna, it is never too hot or too cold, it is always just right. :-)

Rikki said...

I love made-up place names like Cozumel and Roatan.


Anonymous said...

Celebrity is a mask that eats into the face. As soon as one is aware of being ''somebody,'' to be watched and listened to with extra interest, input ceases, and the performer goes blind and deaf in his over-animation. One can either see or be seen.
John Updike.

Please keep on letting us see your face.

Tiffany said...

No pressure, but reading your blog and participating in the Autostraddle universe has helped me sort out so much by giving me a sense of community. Autostraddle feels like a hub for people to assert the validity of a life style and way of perceiving which is demonized. Perusal of the website has become a regular part of my routine, added to other tasks like reading the news and checking my email; you see, I need this place, with its insigths, jokes, its rants. I find that I need people in my life who are unwilling to lay day and die, people willing to say the unspeakable and continue to maintain a sense of love for their fellow man and woman. This is its intrinsic value, I'm sure its monetizable, provided "it", Autostraddle, keeps its soul.

Bren said...

You gotta fake ‘til you make it, baby!

And you will. Make it, that is.

autumn m said...

i wish i could see the future. but all i can see is the right now.

Nicole said...


Anonymous said...

i don't think that's too bad a way to gauge how okay you are, like wallpaper and if you can paint over it, well, you can paint over it. but sometimes walls are rotten.