Thursday, May 14, 2009

Are You There Blog? It's Me, Autowin!


+ We had a team meeting tonight. Like a real one where real things happened!

+ For most of last year I'd wake up and for the first hour of every morning it'd be this game of detective trying to figure out what I'd done the last hour of the night before. What I'd written (the typos! what a laugh! how silly I was!) and to whom. Glasses and ashes and lots of open tabs.

It was like the opposite of laying your clothes out the night before school. I talked a lot about purpose but I felt powerless as a concubine; still but swimming furiously. I think those were all things I needed to go through but I'm still not sure exactly what I was doing. You start doing something and then you just keep doing it. Suddenly; then constantly. It kept me safe in a way because I had secrets I had to keep, there was no question.

+ Sometimes I caught myself mattering

+ Sometimes it comes back. One thing will feel wrong and the darkness unfurls enthusiastically from my chest and stomach, like an airy familiar evil pressing out against my skin and brain. It's a fear of losing things that I truly like and love and things that I feel are good for me, which is a different kind of fear than the fear of losing something you love desperately and absolutely despite how clearly rotten it is most of the time.

+ That happens less and less now but when it happens it's not just the fear, but the fear of more fear.

+ I don't want to be the girl who cried let's change the world but I feel whole right now, and solid. No one is crying here, no lies, just love, I mean it, I love it. I love life so much that I want you all to love it too, for all your right reasons.

+ Besides that fear I mentioned before, the crippling panic demanding attention like a child crying in public. Then it passes, like everything does. Sometimes I have fear about money and that's a new panic, like an itchy panic. I try to push it out of my brain.

+ We have this little temporary castle in the sky for another week or so where we can have meetings for Team Autostraddle. It was sweet tonight to talk to Laneia on the speakerphone and talk in real human voices. We talked to our programmer Tess on the phone a few weeks ago which was also awesome. It's been sweet to do things like eat pizza and talk about our dreams. We have like twelve interns which is awesome, and two came over tonight, so it was me, A;ex, Stef, Brooke, Robin, Carlytron, Tinkerbell who I put in the washing machine so now she is really clean and fresh-smelling, and Haviland!! and Intern X and Intern Jessica. If Crystal had been there/in our time zone that would've been perfect obvs.


+ A few weeks ago we had an interview rescheduled but Robin was already in the city and wanted to shoot something and so she was like, let's go to Brooke's, and so I was like, okay, and then A;ex and Carly came too, and it was fun! I look super serious! See:




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+ Anyhow then we got to interview Julie Goldman last Sunday which was awesome awesome -- Robin took photos and Alex video'ed and I asked questions. Also two weeks ago Laneia and I started a feature we're doing about lesbian YA novels which I really love a lot. Also we did a Hot 100 and it was funny.

+ That's all. Just checking in! Hi guys! I just wrote "High guys!" I'm not high. If I was high I'd have a lot more metaphors.

16 comments:

Duck said...

Wish I was there on the Team Meeting. That would be one Intern, dry jokes, nice beer and a few braincells plus.
O yeah and I secretly want to meet Haviland. She's in my 'superwomen' list right inbetween This Girl Called Riese and BatWoman.

You're chasing your dream, Riese, and I admire it. You already have it by the tail and keep holding on to it despite al the fear and difficulties it comes with.

Thank you to let me help you with that dream, however small my contrebution is. Tahnk you to let me make you happy.

With love,
Intern Daphne

Haviland Stillwell said...

go team go!!!

Bren said...

Success to Team Autostraddle! Viva la revoluciĆ³n!

Also, who doesn’t secretly want to meet Haviland?

saint modesto said...

You guys are perfect. I haven't read this yet 'cause I'm in a rush but the pictures look awesome and I know you're perfect anyway.

laneia said...

i love it when people describe feelings/thoughts as being itchy. ooh! or when they say they feel a buzzing in their fingertips/lips/etc. love that.

stef said...

i also secretly want to meet this 'haviland.'

Haviland Stillwell said...

i guess that's what mercedes de acosta meant by "the real secret"

asher said...

i'm glad you've found your happy place.

i'm still looking for mine which i can only believe will come w/ the stability of a job, but hanging out w/ you kids definitely made me feel like i'm a part of something on the brink of huge. so it was a temp. happy place i found in that castle in the sky.

as for those pics (which i love), my favorite part is how carlytron can't look away from the nude lady sculpture thing.

riese said...

Duck: I was just saying that beer is the number one beverage of choice for lesbians. I mean I read this.

Haviland is overrated, between you and me, but she does have nice hair.

I'm hoping my dreams will come true and I am happy to have you helping me and grateful dear Intern Daphne!

Haviland Stillwell: Go go go joseph you know what they say

Bren: La Vie Boheme! Kazaam!

saint modesto: thank you. perfection is always the goal.

laneia: I love having buzzy fingers, like bees' brains or knees!

stef: you just may get your chance, possibly in 2007?

haviland stillwell: i think it was greta garbo, was the real secret.

asher: THIS - "hanging out w/ you kids definitely made me feel like i'm a part of something on the brink of huge. so it was a temp. happy place i found in that castle in the sky" - makes me very happy. buzzy happy!

Mercury said...

You guys are awesome. Beautiful pictures too.

Duck said...

O no!! Haviland is overrated?? Haviland isn't overated, Riese. Haviland is my hero!! It's not very nice of you to tore apart my dream a bit by saying she is overrated. Because she's not. I want to scream now really hard something like this: "I want a poster of Haviland, preferably signed!!" No I don't want a poster of you anymore Riese, you just shattered my Havilant dream and trampled on the pieces. Actually I do need a poster of Haviland, she will make my wall very pretty with her nice hair. My wall needs prettyness. I need to meet Haviland. It's on my to-do before I die list.

(the content of this post is a bit overrated, Havilant isn't)

riese said...

Mercury - Thank you. You are also beautiful!

Duck - JK! Haviland's not overrated. Haviland is in fact underrated because really only a little bit of her overall sun shines upon the interwebs. I'm lucky enough to know her in so many other lovely contexts and I know every little bit of her inside and out -- UH HUH -- and so I know she's quite underrated in fact here and anywhere but IRL. perhaps one day you will meet her, we hope to do a Mall Tour in 2012! HUZZAH! i will do my very best to wrangle you a signed headshot of Haviland Stillwell Rising Star.

riese said...

Mercury - Thank you. You are also beautiful!

Duck - JK! Haviland's not overrated. Haviland is in fact underrated because really only a little bit of her overall sun shines upon the interwebs. I'm lucky enough to know her in so many other lovely contexts and I know every little bit of her inside and out -- UH HUH -- and so I know she's quite underrated in fact here and anywhere but IRL. perhaps one day you will meet her, we hope to do a Mall Tour in 2012! HUZZAH! i will do my very best to wrangle you a signed headshot of Haviland Stillwell Rising Star.

Heidi said...

the bit about playng detective in the am is happening to me! and I do not like it one bit.. id liketo proclaim a new new years resolution(I never make one anyways)but to get a grip on various late night activities and stay away from something I can type on.

so glad you are loving life and doing what makes you happy.

I want that appartment floor, it looks so fun to slide/dance on

funny my grandma always tells me not to order beer becuase it isn't "ladylike"?

-intern Heidi

Kara said...

Love the pics. You all look like your having so much fun!!

Chloe said...

After a painfully long hiatus due to collegiate-y things like drinking and term papers I am back to regularly lurking your blog/occasionally commenting!

How exactly does one become and autostraddle intern? I feel like that would be WAY cooler then the coffee bitch internships I was told about.

Also! My word verification is "Chaduck". I felt like I should share that with someone. I went to prom sophomore year with a guy named Chad. He's scared of me now...