Thursday, January 25, 2007

Join the Dots: B-Sides and Those Stuck in Development Hell

Because time is the devil's plaything (playchild? whatevs) and I am an angel who doesn't play with things, just with people, I have no time. Also: most of my brain is filled up with useless things like "When Harry Met Sally" quotes and detailed physical descriptions of all my ex-boyfriends' ex-girlfriends. Also: clever is on short supply this week, and when you combine "low on clever" with "low on time" you get blog posts that are about as clever as this one has been so far.

So today I am going to share something very special with you. (Remember when Blossom always had "very special episodes"? I liked those. There was usually something sexual happening in those episodes). I am going to share with you several posts that I started and never finished--sometimes these posts are at their earliest level of conception, like just a few words or notes. Sometimes I had not completed the post but had already chosen graphics, which I included below.

Please feel free to comment if you feel one of these ideas was unjustly canned.

OMG I totally think my upstairs neighbors are "riding the hobby horse, " like I seriously think I just heard her have an orgasm. It's kind of turning me on, even though they are probably gross, because let's face it, most people are.

1. 10/25/06 "Everyone's Name is Rachel or Lauren"

It has come to my attention that 85% of the people I know are either named 'Lauren' or 'Rachel.' The other 15% are named "Haviland" and "Natalie." Ha, just kidding. I know so many people. Just look at my myspace profile, I have like, a bazillion friends.

The best part of like, today, is that when I googled "Lauren," I got this amazing photograph of "NJ Calender Girls" 'Lauren & Lauren' from the website of New Jersey's 101.5 Radio, a station which declares on it's home page that it is 'Proud to be New Jersey.' There's a lot of grammatical and logistical problems with that statement, but whatever, the point is:

So I am going to begin a series of poems for all the Laurens and Rachels I have ever known. You can guess who they are based on the poems. If you are one of them, watch out! I have counted thus far 14 Rachels and 20 Laurens, as well as 8 famous Laurens and

2. 11/28/06 "An Open Letter to New York Sports Club"

Dear New York Sports Club,

You suck. Today you didn't even have towels. Yesterday as I was taking my ice-cold shower at your overpacked club, I realized that my frostbitten patience is far past expired. For how much you charge and the service you claim to provide (an escape from ordinary life, a SANCTUARY for our bodies!) and the zealous recruitment you practice every January even though there are still lines 10-deep for a treadmill at 8pm, it's absurd that you operate such a mediocre club.

At any given time, anywhere between 1-5 elliptical trainer/stairmasters are broken and those that are not officially labeled as broken are often as good as broke--they make loud clunking death noises, the chain catches or the TV doesn't work.

Once in July, I went to the gym at [redacted] for a lunch-time workout and a recluse from the stifling heat outside, only to find that your air conditioning was broken on the cardio floor! I should get 1/30th of my money back, and you could have apologized or told us rather than surprising us with a sauna when we arrived on the cardio floor.

A month ago, I arrived for my workout to discover that the water was broken, I mean "being fixed." We were not allowed to use the bathrooms, water fountains or showers. You're supposed to help us get in shape, not get in our way! At least hand out free water bottles--it's truly inane that we were forced to spend MORE money buying water bottles because you didn't have any free water.

The women who work in the locker room are bitches


3. 9/17/06: Top Ten Books That Have Inspired at Least a Temporary Behavior Modification for the Duration of the Time it Took Me to Read It:

-Bridget Jones' Diary, by helen fielding: began speaking in sentences without pronouns. began cycle of eating too much/calorie counting. increase in diet coke consumption. overwhelming inner monologue.

-High Fidelity, by nick hornby: took on mannerisms and musical sentimentality generally associated with emo boys who work in record shops, aka all my friends at the time. existed almost entirely in nostalgia. whined a lot, but I also earned it.

-More, Now, Again, by elizabeth wurtzel: became unapologetically unstable, emotional and self-absorbed. began snorting anything that i could crush. really, anything.

-anything by Lorrie Moore: content to date people i didn't like, comforted by my ability to create clever and condescending inner monologues about their amusing faults and the distance between how i felt about them and what they felt about me, as well as who they thought i was and what they imagined i might be thinking. very empowered.

-On The Road, by jack kerouac: totally excited about cross country travel, totally pumped! about everything! trying to eat! life! fast! yes yes yes! dig it!

-Bright Lights, Big City, by jay mcinerney: perhaps coincidental interest in Bolivian Marching Powder.


4. 6/5/06: Untitled.

Is is true that Jordan Catalano is dating Lindsay Lohan?
Why is Joey dating Tom Cruise? She's just a nice girl from the creek. I mean, she shops at American Eagle.


5. 6/25/06: Blindsided

some images:

-me, 12: at marie and tony's, making fun of my brother for not liking certain kinds of pizza or something. most likely sticking my thumb in his food.

-me, 14: in janelle's room with my geometry homework. probably thinking something like "what the fuck is a proof? wow, i can't believe how janelle's legs are always so smooth! it's like she doesn't shave them, it's like her leg hair is removed by angels!"

-me, 17: snowed-in on naples court, john and i alternately driving each other crazy, watching depressing movies like Gummo and sledding in the driveway.

-me, 21: in my bikini (this is the best image so far, huh?) on the roof of my house in Michigan, slathering suntan lotion along the smooth surface of my lovely legs, squinting in the sunlight, enjoying the heat, reading Prozac Nation and feeling comparatively joyful.

What do all these images have in common? That's me before I got BLINDSIDED. Moments when I was blissfully unaware that my fate had been sealed--divorce, death, rejection from my number one college (ok, I'm not saying all of these events are equivalent in severity), and getting Capital-D-Dumped. So I look at those images (especially the one of me in my little red bikini OW!) and think "stupid girl, if you only knew!"

Which I guess is why when things go wrong, I jump straight to worst-case-scenario, and panic, and drive everyone insane.


6. 6/7/2006: Which of My Blog-Stars Are You? A Quiz for Readers.
Please Answer These Questions to Determine Which of my Blog-Stars you are most similar to: Lo, Haviland, Lainy, Natalie, or ME!

A) It's Saturday morning and I've just come into your room to wake you up. You say:
1. I'm already up! Having my peanut butter toast! Want coffee?
2. There you are! Ready to go? I packed last night.
3. N/A--What's Saturday morning? I don't think I've ever been up for a Saturday morning?
4. Ten more minutes..just ten more minutes....
5. Getting...up...(goes back to sleep)

B) Your fashion philosophy:
1. When in doubt—go with black.
2. The costume of the day! In lieu of that....something short with tall boots/heels and a classic/sexy top—with a few sweaters in case I get cold. Which I already am.
3. The more sparkle, shine and cleavage the better!
4. Seven Jeans, boots, tank top, blazer—classic sexy smart girl. Or a sailor suit with red fishnets. Or hospital pants.
5. When in doubt—go with a wifebeater.



7. 12/14/06: An Open Letter to Ambitious Hecklers.

Listen Up: I know exactly how much ice cream is on my Tasti-D-Lite cone. I think it's fabulous that you have keen 20-20 vision and are therefore able to observe the size of my cone and comment on it from your vantage point on the sidewalk as I walk past you, rather hurried. For example: I also have 20-20 vision, and I noticed that you are wearing a jacket I saw in the Vice DON'Ts. But I don't think you need me to tell you that, just as I didn't need you to tell me what my ice cream cone reminds you of. If you were my boyfriend, that might count as "foreplay," and be kinda sexy. But you are a stranger! That's called "being an annoying douchebag for no apparent reason." I don't want to talk to any strangers. That's why I have my ipod on. I am listening to Ira Glass. Ira Glass would never say those things to me on the street.

Oh yes--you! my second heckler on the Haunted House of Horrors that is apparently Broadway at 2 in the afternoon--no. You cannot have a bite of my ice cream. I'm not sure if you know this--let's be honest--obviously you don't!--but I bought this for me to eat. Yup. Because it tastes good. I chose to eat it on a cone because that is easier to do because it only requires one hand while walking.

I'm not the first woman to complain about this. At least ten million women have complained about it, and many have done so on their blogs, which I doubt douchebags like you even read. Yet you continue to pursue such fruitless avenues of communication. I seek to help you.

It is hard enough for me to approach someone in a bar or club where people have come, allegedly to meet other humans--I mean, I truly cannot conceive of what exactly you gain from this situation. If you are looking for a date, I can suggest a few places to meet other women. Here's a start: anywhere but the street.

As a woman who has loved, dated, and been intimate my fair share of men---my desire to eat my ice cream cone myself is not related to any antagonism towards the gender (and really what is gender anyhow, but that's a whole new discussion) but really just frustration at YOU, specifically.

Luckily, on average, men still make more money than women and so there are many ladies who have sought to equalize this equation by providing the services you desire at a financial cost. You can find these women on craigslist erotic services, or in the back pages of The Village Voice, New York Magazine and The New York Press. Also, I would encourage you to only patronize those services which do not engage in sex trafficking and treat their employees well. Don't act like you can't figure out what those places are.

Furthermore, if this is not an option, I would like to suggest your girlfriend or wife. I am sure they would like to be told how beautiful they are when you come home, as opposed to me, I don't really care if you think i am beautiful or not. When I am wearing a XXL Interlochen sweatshirt with Ramen stains on it dating back to 1997, a baseball hat, yoga pants (ass totally covered by aforementioned sweatshirt), I am really going to doubt your judgment altogether.

Additionally: I think it is fabulous that you realize how beautiful it is for two women to be intimate with one another! However, again---if I was holding hands with a man, I don't think you'd tell us how beautiful we are, would you? If I am a woman out with another woman, we're actually NOT here for your entertainment. Shut the fuck up, or I'll get some beefy bulldyke to come kick you in the face and remove your dick with a monkey wrench.

14 comments:

Rachel said...

I enjoyed the tone of the letter to hecklers. Professional, courteous, until the last sentence, which made me laugh.

Also, I still want to know like, The Rest Of That Story re the Blindisded post.

I agree about Bridget Jones' Diary. I watched the movie, didn't read the book, but it did the same thing to me. And then also, if I watch Sex & the City, I start like, stating everything as a question, and consequently wanting to kill myself because that is SO annoying.

I love Lorrie Moore. Someone told me I write like her once. I'm not sure if I believe it or not.

I'm sorry about your gym. the one I was a member of for a while was actually pretty good about that. But it was open 24 hours and I only went in the middle of the night. And that was years ago. I was like 12 or 14 or something. That was when I wasn't in school for six months because of the lawsuit and then we said later I'd been homeschooled.

You should have finished the Rachel & Lauren post. I obviously think this because my name is Rachel.

my word verification is amfatej. J is close to I, and then if you move it to the front, it would be "I am fate". That is a cool statement.

LainyRae said...

LOLOLOLOLOL!!! (aw, the old times)

riese said...

You Are Fate,

What's funny is:

I actually started reading Lorrie Moore because my workshop in college told me that my writing was just like hers. Funny, right? The only thing of hers I had read before then was "How to be a Writer," which I think i read at interlochen and again in college--the one that starts "try to be something, anything, else."? I love writers like her who obviously signed a 2-book deal that's meant to include a novel as as well as a short story book, because "short stories don't sell" and then for their novel they turn in "Anagrams," which was basically a short story book but just with longer stories. Did you read it? I just imagine the publisher being like "Lorrie, this is not a novel," and her being like "I rule. Fuck you." Which I doubt she said, but it would be awesome.

SATC always makes me feel super-hetero, just like how The L Word makes me feel super-gay. I'm totally at the mercy of pop cuture, it's quite ridiculous.

There's a 24-hour NYSC in the west village, and when I lived there and sometimes would go after midnight, they would have turned off the air conditioning! In like, August. Really, Papi? Jesus. I should probably write an Open Letter to myself called "Why are You still a Member then, biznatch?"

I might do the Lauren-Rachel thing, because it is a series stretched out over time. However as my site traffic increases, the possibility that one of the random Laurens or Rachels I've known will stumble upon their poem increases. Which is fine, except that they'll likely be like "she remembers me? like whoah." Which is fine.

I am destiny

riese said...

Dear Lainy,

LOL really?! I was thinking, in the letter to hecklers, of those guys who were yelling at us when we came back from the chinese restaurant, do you remember that? which was absurd on many levels, esp. since we were just like walking together, not giving any lesbionic vibes at all. Maybe they had a good gaydar. I feel like you said something badass to them, or maybe Stephanie did, but I can't remember. If only any of us were of a height-to-weight ratio that could possibly inspire fear! Hmm..

LOL!

LainyRae said...

OK I totally remember that. And seriously, yo, we were not giving ANY lesbionic vibes. I mean, shit, I don't do that stuff in PUBLIC! You wouldn't see ME making out with some chick in columbus circle, hellll no.

And I vaguely remember saying something fairly badass to those mothaf*ckin hecklers. Like wow badass... Not at all like "Lainy drunk on eight+ glasses of free wine from columbia cottage" badass. Word. LOL!

Jaime said...

The Lorrie Moore bit should probably be ammended to "anything by Lorrie Moore except 'People Like That Are the Only People Here," unless cancer babies does that to you, too. Although maybe cancer babies makes you date people you don't like... I could sorta see that...

goneundercover said...

the behavior modification run would be amazing!!! could be done on any medium- books, movies, art, objects, people, news, pretty genius idea!!
really super duper impressed, i cant even think of anything funny to say (not even anything that would only be funny to me!) WOW

goneundercover said...

oh, and the hecklers, that's great too! they are getting pretty lazy on originality, if it's going to be shock art, they should put a little more effort into it, and then maybe i would admire them for their skill, like it could be a yo momma type of deal.
comments ive heard multiple times aside from just hey sexy, etc:
"lemme see your smile baby" (i thought this was sweet at first but everyone uses it)
"damn you look like barbie"
while running:
1."you don't need to run girl" 2. "lemme see you sweat!" (from that rap song)
3."you got ass like a sista"
i think they have group meetings and hand out lists.. or it's some psychoid jungian archetype they're trying to fulfill..

riese said...

jamie: good point--although in that story, she does have that trademark distance from her husband that she always uses, where her dialogue with herself is sardonic and honest, and her husband feels sometimes that she is being too hostile..or too something. but he's a good guy in that story, unlike some stories where the guys are lame. that just goes to show that even with a good guy, you can still have the interior monologue, which is good, i think. we should all keep ourselves too, even when we let other people in.

steph: yeah you are totally right about being able to do that with anything....sometimes when i go to the movies I'm like "i might leave this movie a different person" because sometimes viewing somethign can change everything....it's so odd the effect stories can have! i like doing it with books because books are something you engage in privately, at random moments over the day---and it's often really hard to go interact with people after being totally lost in a book on the train or something, yknow? hmmm

yeah I LOVVVEEE the running comments! especially when they cheer like they are your support squad at the NY marathon or something? CLASSIC. I love the ass comments too. Actually I do, I think those are hillarious. Every black guy who points out that my ass-to-bodyweight ratio is more similar to a black girl's, I totally LOL and consider giving them a bite of my ice cream.

group meetings..ha--THAT would be an amazing blog entry...a transcript from hecklers anonymous. And one of them would have to insist that he had actually picked a girl up by telling her she looked like Barbie.

Ingrid said...

Based on your short quiz for "Which of my blog-stars are you?", I have determind that I am Haviland/Natalie (I pack the night before, and wear jeans, boots, tank top, sweater but minus classic sexy sailor suit fishnets- Natalie is definately more put-together than I am) and Krista is Marie/Natalie with a dash of Lainy thrown in (because we all know Krista's history with alarm clocks, and also she actually has cleavage to show when wearing low-cut shirts).

haviland said...

I think the which star are you most like quiz was unjustly canned. This is fascinating. Remember all those quizzes we all used to take in Sassy, Teen, Seventeen and YM? This could be like that, Riese.

And also we could have a photo shoot. Let's be real.

"Yo, ladies, that's a beautiful thing..."

OY OY OY

riese said...

Ing, I think if I did an extended blogstars quiz, and one of the questions was like: which of my friends has significant cleavage? it would be, as you mentioned, just krista. and lainy. my new friend heather has cleavage. hm. well at least we can all share 34Bs.

Maybe it was unjustly canned...certainly I could make some really fun graphics on photoshop for people to post on their myspace profiles. omg, i'm going to do it, i'm going to embarass all of you. that means you too, ing-a-ding!

Ingrid said...

For your collage, make sure to include some of those photos of us that Anna Weisbrodt took, where we're wearing the same black CK tank top with no bra and my arms are really skinny because at that particular time I was only eating carrots and home fries with ranch dressing and tabasco!

riese said...

and peanut butter! don't forget the carrots-and-peanut-butter in the dixie cup meal!

funnily enough, i just found all the prints from that shoot when i was at home over break. i'll be sure to include, probably one where you are sniffing my armpit, which prolly smelled bad. pre-botox, and all.