Sunday Top Ten: Gayest Moments of My Life Part ONE

As your Mom(s) probs told you, I'm a finalist in the LGBT Blog Awards (voting begins January 5th). Therefore today I must talk about gay things. (Every day is gay day at my other blog auto-straddle, just FYI). I've perused the blogs of my nine co-finalists -- including an actual famous person, the web's largest LGBTQ group blog, last year's winner, a famous well-established news blog, an activist transwoman, an "openly gay, pro-choice, gun owning, pro-death penalty, voted-for-President Bush authentic feminist" and um ... "the internet home for the American gay conservative" -- and determined my only chance to win this thing is via a RUDY -esque last-minute triumph of underdog glory (You can call me "Marie" for the chanting part, 'cause "Riese" only has one syllable. RU-DY, MA-RIE, etc.). Chances are it'll be less like Rudy and more like real life, where the underdog sits on the bench and eats peanuts from a can. Well ideally cashews.

Obvs I'm honored to be on this prestigious list among these world-class bloggers, I love everyone, this is great for visibility, and I'm totally pumped just to be nominated. I think I represent the NeXt GeNeratioN of insane queer weirdos. I feel much like Blabbeando (an excellent blogger and new-discovery, thanks Webblog Awards!), who said in his "I'm a finalist post": "There is the itty-bitty detail of being matched up with Joe, Pam, Bilerico and Andy Towleroad as nominees. Beat them for the award? Yeah, right." Me too, Andrès, me too. But you know what, RU-DY RU-DY! YEAH! AN-DRÈS!

I feel among friends -- up there with Pam of Pam's House Blend, who I worked with on the 8 Against 8 Campaign -- her blog is fabulous and I read it every day. Also I know Susie Bright (my fellow bisexual nominiee) -- she's one of my favorite feminists & sexperts & writers in the world, and she edited The Best American Erotica of 2007, and picked my story to be in it! -- read Susie interviewing me here.

To segue into this weeks Gay Top Ten Topic let me tell you about when I met Joe.My.God who won last year. Lesbo blogger Curly McDimple organized the '07 Gay Blogger Weenie Roast, which I attended out of gay pride although it combined several of my most loathed activities: daytime drinking, outdoor eating in hot weather, networking proactively, beer, socializing with strangers, and traveling to the farthest reaches of Park Slope from Harlem by subway on a weekend. Sometimes one must suck it up and stop whining in order to be a good networker.

But I went (see photo of Hav & I expertly networking with Jamie, who's not gay but I forced her to attend anyhow) and brought Haviland, Carly and Carly's friend Roy (he's the one who told me "that's Joe.My.God, he's a real big deal") and it was super gay. Also super balmy, I sweated like a nun at a gay weenie roast.

Our new friend Caroline (we'd just met her on the rosie cruise) (she's now engaged to Heather Matarazzo) was there bartending, so it was awesome to see her AND I ran into a lesbo friend from my brief tenure at Sarah Lawrence -- well, she wasn't my friend exactly, she was my gay best friend's lesbian friend's then-girlfriend. We were sorta friends. The moral of the story is this was super gay and that's how it is with the gays.

But was it one of the Top Ten Gayest Moments of my life? No probs not, doesn't stand a chance against Tegan & Sara or the No on Prop 8 Rally, which brings me to today's Top Ten Topic ... to be delivered in two segments of five, 'cause doing all ten at once would be really long and I know you're all very busy.

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THE TOP TEN GAYEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE ON EARTH
Part One, Items 10-6

First an honorable mention During my Mom's NYC weekend visit in April '07, my then-girlfriend TB was playing "percussive stuff at this new monthly Queer/Trannie Ethnic Drum party in Brooklyn." The idea of going to gay things with my gay Mom makes me really itchy, and although I protested that I wasn't ethnic enough for the drum circle (and I anticipated it involving actual granola), TB insisted and Mom was down. Therfore on a rainy dark April night I took Mom to far-away-land, Brooklyn on a series of buses (train canceled). Although TB had anticipated a "down-to-earth spiritual, tabla/djembe, chill-in-living room sorta thing" we got "whoa nightclub, ethnic hipsters and miked percussion." (all quotes are TB's, from this) and she apologized and said we could go, as it might not pick up for many hours, I had an article to write and Mom is a Mom -- it did pick up later, but by then we had cabbed it home.

The point is that had serious Best Gay Moment POTENTIAL but due to the thwarted extra gayness opportunity (actual ethnic hippie drum circle), cannot rightfully be on this list. But it deserves a moment.

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10. The Rosie Cruise

Everything about the Rosie Cruise is so gay, I could probs assemble a Top 10 Gayest Moments on the Rosie Cruise for each year I've gone (Alaska, Key West 1 & 2, New England/Canada 1 & 2 ). Gay families, gay children, themed costume nights, Susan Powter wandering the boat yelling about her vagina and/or yoga, a musical theater-heavy performance schedule, and the identically-outfitted "R Family Team" regularly introduced by the song "We Are Family." It's a bunch of famous gays with a bunch of normal gays and their kids and then rascals like us. Where else can Andrea McArdle ask you to come wake up her husband with "look at all the hot lesbians in your bed!" It's so gay and by gay I mean happy.

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9. The Mz Hip and Fit New York 2007 Contest

This was a two part exercise in gay-ness -- Hav was nominated for Mz Girl Nation (GirlNation hosts a gay Saturday night in NYC where everyone who's anyone goes to run into everyone they've already kissed) and Heather and I told her to do it 'cause we thought it'd be funny. It was FUNNY, obvs she won by a landslide.

I dragged my then-girlfriend to the event at Nation AND to the next event at "DUVET" (where Mz GirlNation would fight against Mz Cattyshack and etc for the "Mz Hip and Fit New York 2007" title) both populated largely by impossibly young fresh-faced Dos-Equis-chugging lesbians whooting and hollering Scores-style. We made a sign with markers. At DUVET, about 10 - 12 lesbians had to run on stage, dance, and then get voted on by the applause generated by the legions of friends they'd forced to attend. There were no speeches. There was also supposed to be no stripshows, but all the girls except Hav totally removed at least 50% of their outfits on stage. Hav was over it by this point and besides, nekkid-in-public isn't how she rolls, she's a lady from Savannah.

The first place winner had fake tits, they'd never let that shit fly on Miss America.

For some reason Haviland doesn't like flaunting this honor on all her promotional materials but I feel it should be her new nickname, like Haviland "Mz GirlNation" Stillwell. Google that, she-bitches.

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8. My Mom's "Gay" Picnics

Back in the 90's, my Mom used to host these "potlucks" for her "friends" from her "group" for "women in transition" in our backyard [I almost put "backyard" in quotation marks too, but then I realized, no, I mean, that for sure was indeed the backyard.] and try to con me into attending.

As you know, I dislike the following things: 1. outdoor eating, 2. outdoor picnics involving plastic/paper flatware/dishes and lawn chairs, 3. large gatherings of women my Mom's age, 4. doing anything at all whatsoever that my Mom wants me to do ("4" is also the reason why I was straight as an arrow for so long), 5. eating large meals at mid-day, 6. large gatherings of people I don't know, 7. large gatherings of people, 8. other people, 9. tuna salad casserole.

Mom's primo con/strategy to force my attendance was The Grill Trick. Although I'd insist I didn't want any part of the potluck, Mom knew eventually I'd be hungry (and I was, 'cause she'd moved all the food from the kitchen to the "back porch") and then, when I expressed interest in eating a grilled item she would not, per my request, permit me to wait inside for delivery of said item (she would've only had to slide open the door and pass off the burger, no biggie). Instead I was forced to go outside, defenseless save my Angsty-Depressed-Emo-Teenager Skater-Who-Doesn't-Skate cloud of hostility, and place my request directly to the grillmaster ... and then! sit and wait for preparation!

During the waiting & subsequent eating period, I'd be obligated by "manners" to meet people and consequentially listen to women in transition talk about transitional things, like civil unions and the Women's Studies department at U of M. That was really gay. Her friend Tabitha was kinda cute though.

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7. Melissa Etheridge concert in Atlantic City on July 4th, 2008

I'd never seen the Eth before and was therefore unawares that she unleashes mountains of gayness upon the crowd not only during her songs but BETWEEN songs. She basically told the story of every girlfriend she'd ever had, performed beneath a banner of Tibetian prayer flags, and called herself out for being a stalker. Real lesbians from New Jersey abounded -- women willing to miss fireworks for The Eth -- sang, swayed, cried a little, adjusted their tool-belts, etc. As you can see in the photo, Caitlin is popping her collar and Alex & I are full of passionate lesbian feelings. I love Melissa Etheridge forevs & evs.

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6. NewNowNext Awards - May 2008

A;ex & I plugged microphones into our pants pockets 'cause we had no actual outlets for them, I was sick and therefore looked like a cokehead, Tinkerbell was there in her Uh Huh Her outfit, the red carpet was actually grey, we were totally dissed by Christian Whateveriano from Project Runway but totally treated as 100% legitimate journalists by everyone else, Candice Cayne said we were "GORGE," The Dazzle Dancers got glitter on Tinkerbell's nose, Ricky signed my vintage '95 My So-Called Gay Life poster and Michelle Paradise asked Tinkerbell for her number. Our actual friends Carly & Robin work(ed at the time, in Robin's case) at Logo and therefore were present, amping up the OurChart factor. Anyhoo then I felt sleepy sloos, I'm not really good at being out late at night.

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I bet you are on the edge of your seat for Part Two yeah? January is a big month here full of excitement so you should probs put a cushion on the edge of your seat or a dildo, because there is so much fun to look forward to. Also, I clearly have a thing for befriending um, Capricorns? Birthdays - Caitlin (6th), Kelly from TLL (8th) (thank you facebook), Natalie (16th), Haviland (19th), my friend Erika from middle school (19th), Crystal (20th). OBAMA DAY on the 20th. L Word Premiere on the 18th. Also, it's fucking cold.

Sunday Top Ten: Each From Different Heights, Who Saved Me From Suicide This Week

The "T" Key is broken again. So is my soul. However, I have not jumped out the window or stopped using words with "T"s in them. You know what that's called? Inner strength. Know where I learned that? R&B/Hip-Hop, especially Beyonce.

This's one of the worst Sunday Top Tens ever written. Because I cannot possibly do any less than ten things at the same time right now, which means I can't do any of them well.

UPDATE: This post is a mess. However, I am not.

SUNDAY TOP TEN:
EVENTS OF THIS WEEK THAT HELPED ME STAY ON THIS SIDE OF THE OPEN WINDOW, WHICH I WILL ATTEMPT TO RELATE TO GAY PRIDE WEEK.
OR:

omg!!!! The "T" Key situation is driving me crazy. What if I wrote this whole post w/o Ts? And was just like "Figure it out, bitches, you know the alphabet, yeah? You know how words work?" But then I remembered I have international (that word really wanted to be "inernaional") readers who have a hard enough time reading my rambling whathaveyous. Seriously. I need o go o he apple sore asap.

There is a little dog on my bed. Oh. He just left. Sad. What a lark!

You know what? MySpace should have a category called "Damaged." I rejoined myspace. I like MySpace, it's cute. Try and find me, grasshopper.

10. My Friends

Y'all are totes hands down awesome. Also, I'd like to thank AIM for making our friendship possible. And thank you for taking that extra minute for yourself every morning to make sure you're pretty, otherwise we wouldn't be friends. Some of you are GAY and that's okay. I love gay people. That's why I'm excited about the cruise, which's so soon I'm getting tan just thinking about it. Wheeee! Love GAYS! I cannot wait for Susan Powter yoga, I need her to tell me how to become a warrior ASAP.

9. Depression Diet=Donuts and McDonalds

I recently lost much of my emotional and digestive capacities, and though I've always been a bit lanky, it's especially pronounced now. I had to purchase an actual belt and wear it every day, which's never been my habit. [People're often surprised that I don't own any: belts, earrings, necklaces, lube.]

"You look completely wrecked, to be honest with you."
-My Therapist

(Obvs I am speaking to her upside down with my legs hanging over the top of the chair which is not a Freudian couch, it's an actual armchair, so this's not how it's meant to be sat in, but I was too wrecked to be upright, obvs.)

It's ridiculously symbolic, the taking back of one's alloted space--"no, it's okay, you can have that air back now, I'll just take up less room"--into a bony shell of your formerly robust self. But the best part of Depression Diet?! When you finally DO acquire an appetite, you can eat whatevs you want because you're just so proud of yourself for eating at all! For example, I haven't had a donut for breakfast since I was like, 12. Until this week, when I had like; 12. Donuts are delicious. Howevs, donuts would be even better if Dunkin' Donuts could just hire one person with an IQ over 40. I don't want sugar in my coffee so cut it out!

They should hire more gay people. GAY people are smarter than other people, because they need to figure out how to have sex, it's not just like get on top, stick it in, bang-bang-bang, it involves either: a) passion and dexterity, b) fitting a large object into a way-too-small hole without causing rectal bleeding. Sorry but someone had to say it.

8. My Mom.

I love my Mom. She's awesome and helpful. Also, she's GAY! Here's my Mom and I at her gay wedding. We're clearly eyeing different cameras. I'm wearing all pink, because it was a gay wedding and pink is the color of The Gays. No one thought this was as funny as I thought it was, unfortunately.

7. Alcohol

I can't say enough about this particular substance. It's reliable and it's always there in a pinch. Some totally flawed studies in the 70s and 80s suggested that GAYS are more likely alcoholics, but if someone did some new less dubious studies with better sample sized populations, I wouldn't be surprised if it was at least a little true. I mean, it's really depressing sometimes to be ostracized by your friends and family and denied the same political rights as strais. I've been very lucky to live in a tolerant little bubble of Gay Pride, though, thanks guys. Personally, I'd find it depressing to be regularly rammed up the ass. But that's just my own personal thing, and I'm not a good sample size, so that's that.

6. Chris Pureka

K-Lilly (GAY!) turned me on to Chris Pureka (GAY!), who sings perfect sad GAY folk music about how we lose each other, feel about it afterwards, and think about it later. but we never explain why we treasure our secrets we're in love with our sadness sometimes. I honestly don't know what I'd do without Chris Pureka. I put my ipod ibuds in my ears and she cries straight into my brain-cage. She validates me.

5. My T-Mobile Dash.

I haven't really figured out how to use it yet, but it looks really neat. It's everything I've ever wanted in a phone: a full keyboard, internet, and larger than a GAY fetus. I don't like small phones, as I've said before, because they remind me of my iPod and I don't wanna be all like "Hello? Prince?"

4. Going Out to NATION: Actually, Not So Bad.

Saturday night: Washington Square Park, an hour past dusk, met up w/Tara-D and her crew of GAYS. Split off from the Under-21s and went to GAY night at Nation. I've mentioned before that I despise Nation, as it is never fun. However: we had fun.

During a breakup, your priorities get shifted quickly. Emotional survival is your only task, really, which's why I spent the entire Summer of '03 playing 'The Sims." You're just trying to stay in the green, you know? Fun skyrockets, and the best way to enable fun is to drink as much as you can without dying. Tara, Vicky and I met up with Carly and we drank, danced [I only "dance" when drunk and/or alone and/or I think no one's watching], talked.

The music wavered somewhere between decent and fantastic, and pure, uncomplicated fun was had. SoCo and lime shots, like kids on vacation. As if we are not adults, as if life is not quite so serious as all this. All action, no head, like a Zen superhero, like your first time flying.

Nation employs these whore-ish girls to dance on the bars. One of 'em's ass cheeks were hanging out and then all this money came out of her shirt, like money was flying in the air, and I took it. That came in handy later when some whore-ish someone stole Tara's bag. I won't talk about that though, because it was depressing.

3. The Best Moment of My Life So Far: Sunday Night Dance Fever

After dinner at Vinyl, we [Carly and her friends Stuart & Matt, and obvs me] venture, full o' Pride, to Posh, a GAY Bar for homosexual men who like to have sex with other homosexual men, often via asshole.

My face still hurts from laughing at Stuart's story of last year's "Himalayan Hunter" Halloween costume (told during dinner) which involved a thong, a lot of feathers and very serious boots but most importantly: actually changing his skin tone via three day fake-baking/spray-tanning regiment. He took three days off of work to develop the proper skin tone for his Himalayan Hunter Halloween costume. I kept thinking: would someone've been like "You know, if you'd been just a tad whiter, I woulda thought Deer Hunter. But that orange glow just gives you away!"

I've been here, I think, as our quartet approaches the throngs of men in tank tops and cargo shorts. The boys at Posh look like frat boys, but with expensive hair gel and shinier muscles, and once inside I remember: I lost my cell phone here, '01: Happy Hour after a lunch shift at the Olive Garden. I remember telling James I'd never talked to the new girl, Karen, because I was intimidated by how pretty she was, and he said, but you're the most beautiful girl at The Olive Garden. This is depressing on many levels:

1. I totally wasn't AT ALL. I mean, total over-compensation complement Thank You James. The Olive Garden was full of hot girls, which's pathetic.
2. He's GAY.

Yes, that afternoon, 'o1: On the black couch I felt Jason's hand on my thigh, thought: You have a girlfriend, seriously, what the F is wrong with you? He tried kissing my neck, disguised as something he needed to say immediately, like via teeth-to-neck transmission. I squirmed. At some point, I put my Nokia on the glass table.

Then I remember vomiting in the Times Square Burger King bathroom, stumbling back to the NYU dorm I lived in that summer, mumbling some nonsense to my BFF, then calling my phone from her phone, affirming I'd left it at Posh, and passing out. I returned later, when it'd transformed into a meat market, and I was like a vegan angel parting the waters of disappointment.

Anyhow, back to present tense: Stuart danced with this woman and it was really funny/amazing, Carly and I were like, this is the best thing to ever happen in the history of mankind. Also, this's one of those things that I should probably just write about in my livejournal, as it's hilarity has no hope of translating onto the page or feeling remotely relevant or interesting to anyone reading this blog besides me. But I don't have a livejournal. Or a t-key, p.s.

2. In the Flesh

On Wednesday, I attended the Special GAY In the Flesh Reading with Tara-D, Vicky, Angelica, and four other girls who's names I forget because I was depressed and wanted to die, therefore I was not paying that close attention. Also, I possibly put too much vodka in my Vitamin Water considering all I'd consumed on Wednesday was four four-packs of cheese-and-peanut-butter crackers and a Lean Pocket. [Note to readers: I need to eat massive amounts of food about every two hours, so this's like, imagine if that's all a Sumo Wrestler ate all day.]

[Also, I'm refusing a return trip to Pathmark: last time, I literally waited THIRTY MINUTES to check out, which made me want to smash my by-then-spoiled Stonyfield Farms yogurt into the retarded eyes of the cashier til all the fruit sunk to the bottom of her retinas and blinded her for life, thus enabling her acquisition of a Seeing Eye Dog who could probs do her job better than she can.]

We saw JD Glass read, and I met her and Radclyffe, who edited that "Lambda *GAY* Award Winning Stolen Moments anthology I was in. Radclyffe's written about 5,000 books. She's even more prolific than my hero RKB.

Speaking of RKB, I talked to her (while drunk) and ... !!! .... I'll be reading at The Best of "In the Flesh" on September 19th. Clearly Haviland's reading with me. I think I'll extend the city-tour begun in last year's story, "Fucking Around." It'll be like: Philadelphia looked like a sweetheart, I thought he was gay, maybe, but then he stole my Sidekick. JK. Go Philly, I love Philly. Good cream cheese, travel/tourism campaign for homos, etc.

1. Y'all

I had an idea for this section: I was gonna get one of those ridic greeting cards with the sunsets and scan it and it was gonna be this weird like poem-y Thank You card or something, 'cause I was gonna be like "how can I talk about how my readers are so sweet and sent me not just comments but emails and stuff and honestly like, opened up to me and all of this and that's just really like, amazing, and unexpected, and heart-warming. Like my heart is officially warmed.

So yeah, I love all of you readers, GAY, straight, bisexual, red, blue, green, Jewish and Muslim, poet and preacher, administrative assistants and girls who spray perfume on you at Bloomingdales, I love all of you. Thanks for being really cool.

Top Ten Books of 2006: Some of Which I Have Actually Read

It's been suggested, even assumed, that I should have an opinion on the top 10 books of the year. Really, though, I mean, obviously my true talents lie in other areas of ranking and filing: e.g., Top Ten Relationships I've had with Animals That Didn't Involve Me Kicking Them in the Face and Top Ten Appearances by Flannel Shirts in Marie's Videos from Middle School. (See the Sunday Top Ten label for a complete archive of all the things I've endorsed thus far).

I mean, I'm obviously really into reading, and I have read about ten million books this year (Actually, 39. I keep track), but most of them weren't published this year, and I think that's part of the whole "Best of 06" thing. Tough break, Mrs. Dalloway.

See, I don't ever buy books in hardcover. (Except for Veronica,¹ Fun Home² and The Year of Magical Thinking³). Why? Because they are : 1. Expensive, 2. Heavy. So if I'm gonna read a new book, it better be: 1. The kind that comes out in paperback only, like the Gossip Girl series or a Vintage Contemporary thing, 2. A proof I somehow get for free. This happens more than you might think.

Anyhow I gave it a shot.

TOP TEN BOOKS OF 2006: SOME OF WHICH I HAVE ACTUALLY READ.

10. THE ROAD, by CORMAC MCCARTHY: I feel like this is the book to pledge support for if you want to sound particularly literary, without rousing opposition from people that are too hip to be hipsters (you know, the anti-Eggers and anti-Safran-Foer boys) and possibly encouraging supportive nods from Smart People. Basically everyone is digging this book. I don't think I'll read it in paperback either though, it sounds like a drag. "In this landscape, an unnamed man and his young son journey down a road to get to the sea." Yawn.


9. I AM NOT MYSELF THESE DAYS, by JOSH KILMER-PURCELL: Those smarties at Harper Perennial know that the readers of memoirs like this one (the story of an ex-drag queen's debauched relationship with large quantities of vodka and his crack-addled manic "escort" boyfriend) did not receive 12.5 bazillion dollar bonuses from Goldman-Sachs this year, and thus, HP released this gem on paperback from the get-go. So yes indeed, I read it!⁴ JKP is like Jay McInerney if Jay McInerney was a gay drag queen who had written a good book in 2006 (trivia: Bright Lights Big City, one of my favorite books ever, also forewent the hardcover run when it was published in 1984, opting for a straight-to-paperback release that clearly worked out well for everybody, e.g., me), what with "coming to" in his ad agency meetings, gazing with intent confusion at storyboards he can "say with relative confidence" he had something to do with and quipping that "Blackouts can be fun if approached with the right mindset."

Also this is just you know, perfect:

"I've explained this a million times, Ma." I sigh. "I don't want to be a woman. Transsexuals are the ones who feel trapped in someone else's body or whatever. I'm a drag queen. I'm a celebrity trapped in a normal person's body."

He also read at In the Flesh and Lo and I went to see him read at the Astor Place Barnes + Noble, where he was really cute and he made us both laugh and feel happy for a minute.


8. MADEA'S UNIHIBITED COMMENTARIES ON LOVE AND LIFE: DON'T MAKE A BLACK WOMAN TAKE OFF HER EARRINGS, by TYLER PERRY:
Obviously I would be ignorant to not include the winner of the 2006 Quill Awards. The Quills, for those of you that missed the grand ceremony this year, is a Barnes + Noble sponsored event, described on their website like this: "The Quills, an initiative launched with the support of Reed Business Information, is designed to be an industry qualified "consumers choice" awards program for books, honoring the current titles readers deem most entertaining and enlightening." Sort of like when Blockbuster started their own award show, and I went in and voted for Leonardo DiCaprio about 10,000 times, 'cause they had this little voting machine right there at the store, and I went to the store every day because I had no friends. ⁵


7. FUN HOME, by ALISON BECHDEL: She's careful and ghostly and humble and wry and mind-blowingly smart, all about the details and the investigation and the romance and the attention we bring to that back-of-the-head-gut-hurt stuff. Honestly, it's worth way more than $19.95.¹ That's so laughably little, I mean, I could get an issue of some faux-European-graphic-arts magazine for more than that, and the pictures wouldn't be one-tenth as perfect.

Everyone else loved it too, which means that not only do I have my finger on the pulse of my body to check for an anxiety attack but I have my finger on the pulse of: 1. our generation, 2. the literati.

6. EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD, by STEPHEN DUNN (poems): There aren't many things in the world that you can count on to be good every time. But Steve-O, I count on you. If this book (which I haven't read...YET) is anything like your other books (and I am guessing that it is), it's probably the most beautiful thing ever. Krista, get this for me, stat. You are the only person I know who not only tracks SD's release dates but then spends the planned release date of every new book scouring every bookstore in the city to procure hardcover copies for everyone you love enough to pass this gift onto them, and you can't do this for me from New Haven. Krista, drop out. Yale Shmale. Get me some poems.

5. THE EMPEROR'S CHILDREN, by CLAIRE MESSUD:. When I was driving to the airport this morning and listening to my mother's Sirius Satellite Radio, Diane Rehm was interviewing this woman Claire Messud on NPR Now, and I was way into it. Also I've done some background research and discovered she's pretty much riding the pre-backlash wave of consensual acclaim right now, though my primo source for literary perspective, bookslut, points out that "If I ever met any of the characters at a dinner party, I would have to get so drunk that my facial muscles were immobilized in order to keep from rolling my eyes at everything they said," which is how I feel about a lot of my friends, who I imagine bear more than a passing similarity to the characters in this book. (Side note: I think it's weird that it's called "Sirius" radio. Mom pronounced it "Serious," which I assumed was the wrong way to pronounce it, but maybe not.

Marie: Is that how you pronounce it? Like "Serious"? Don't you get it confused with like, "serious" the adjective?
Mom: Yeah, that's how you say it, I think. Serious.
Marie: Does "Sirius" mean something?
Lewis: Yeah, it's a Greek God, I think.
Marie: The Greek God of what?
Lewis: The Greek God of Satellite Radio.

(36 hours later)

Mom: Isn't that the name of a constellation? Sirius? Like "Sirius Minor" and "Sirius Major"?)

This book is about three Brown graduates who are all thirty years old and somewhat lost, like "What should I do with my life?" sort of stuff. I mean, hm, usually I prefer books I can relate to like A Very Hungry Caterpillar, or The Illiad, but every now and then I like to know what's going on in the rest of the world, get a glimpse into another culture and way of life. How the kids feel, etc.

4.WHAT IS THE WHAT, by DAVE EGGERS: Look haterhipsters, I fucking love David Eggers. Jake gave me A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius in the summer of '99, before (to the best of my knowledge) it hit the bestseller list. I hadn't heard of it. But Jake knew I'd like it because:
1. It's funny, and I found all that formatting nonsense to be absolutely delightful, really, I thought it was great.
2. It discusses the direct aftermath of the tragic and untimely death of one's parents (and as I had freshly experienced the tragic and untimely death of my parent I therefore found the subject matter quite relevant and touching, etc)
3. It includes a detailed section on auditioning for The Real World, which at the time was def. one of my top five television programs.

Lewis and I saw his reading and we both LOLed. So, whatevs, backlash-mongers. Go drink your Haterade with Ariel Levy.

I probably won't read this book though, it looks boring.

3.GOSSIP GIRL 10: WOULD I LIE TO YOU, by "CECILY VON ZIEGESAR" AKA ALLOY, INC.: These books are asinine/amazing. There are so many things wrong with this series, but how can love be wrong when it feels so right? Better than smoking crack and getting a foot rub on a Sunday afternoon. (almost)




2.TWIGHLIGHT OF THE SUPERHEROES, by DEBORAH EISENBERG: Basically everyone who I have any respect for in the universe is saying that this book is good. So, I'm going to plug it as I wait for it's January 27th paperback release date. Also I am resisting the overwhelming urge to put DIRTY BLONDE: THE DIARIES OF COURTNEY LOVE on this list just because I think it would be funny. To me. I actually just LOLed a little in my mouth.

1.THE PARIS REVIEW INTERVIEWS: The first person to buy me this book gets to marry me. I am a decent cook and I promise to always keep my svelte figure.

The nice thing about this book, besides the graphically pleasing cover art, is that we already know it is good. Because it's "The Paris Review," which like, doesn't even take unsolicited submissions. It's like if "The N" put out a DVD of Degrassi's best moments, you would know it would be good too, because Degrassi Goes There.






FYI: these are the best books I read this year, and, when appropriate, who I owe the endorsement or the physical book itself to....
Shockproof Sydney Skate, by Mary Jane Meeker (cameron!)
Prep, by Curtis Sittinfeld
Soft Maniacs, by Maggie Estep (steph!)
The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion (krista!)
Surface Tension (essays), ed. by Meg Daley
Bastard out of Carolina, Dorothy Allison (lo!)
Wasted, Marya Hornbacher
Two Girls, Fat and Thin, Mary Gaitskill
Things You Should Know, AM Homes
Appetites, Caroline Knapp
Bookmark Now, (essays), ed. Kevin Smokler

¹ Not purchased with actual money though, purchased with Amazon.com gift certificate, a blessing bestowed upon those of us with elephantine balances on our Amazon.com Visa cards.
² Ditto.
³ The Strand--although initially I borrowed it from Krista, who did buy it in hardcover. Then I wanted my own copy and saw it there and snatched it like a hot potato.
⁴ Honestly, I didn't have to buy this one either; Lo told me to read it and lent me her copy, and then because I wanted my own copy, Cameron gave me one that Jay had got at the Book Fair.
⁵ Actually, I did, but I just liked movies better.

I'll Buy You a Hat From New Orleans, and in The Morning You Can Tell Me Your Dreams

Today, my Mom, my Aunt Connie and I* went to see my brother, Lewis Jacob Lyn Bernard [google that, bitches!!!!] graduate from Tulane, which is in the City of New Orleans, like the song "City of New Orleans." I was reminded of Hogwarts [again, projecting here, as I only read the first Harry Potter book and haven't seen any of the movies] where the students are granted a magic wand and like, flying pants or whatever, except instead of the magic wand, Lewis Jacob Lyn Bernard received a degree in a useful subject [Mechanical Engineering, which I think has something to do with Legos] and a job [again, Legos?]!

This makes Lewis more successful than most people I know, including myself. Also, Lewis and I used to make great Lego movies about people who lived underwater and/or in outer space, which was probably like, super-inspirational for him.

Speaking of super-inspirational ... not only did I get to see my favorite president, the ever-so-sexy BILL CLINTON, at the Tulane Commencement ... [you can see how inspired Connie and I are in the accompanying photographs] ...

... BUT there was a surprise visit by ELLEN!!!! I stood up to cheer like a wild maniac, and I totally thought the girl two seats down from me [suspiciously reading Rainbow High] would stand up too but she didn't. Maybe she didn't want to associate with me because, due to extreme air conditioning, I had recently added striped leggings to my stellar outfit [Lo's dress and my torn-up Chuck Taylors], which I put on under my dress during the National Anthem. Take that, you Splatter Painted Star Spangled Banner. It was HOT!


ELLEN was the most AWESOME thing to ever happen in the history of graduation ceremonies, which, as Willie said, is like being the fastest car in a New York traffic jam, but trust me it was AWESOME.

I took a lot of those photos of the stage that people take from thirty miles away where you can't see anything, but I won't post them, 'cause that'd be mean and also silly. Instead, here is a photo in front of a pretty building with my Aunt Connie, me and Lewis. Lewis and I were wearing matching shirts so Mom wouldn't lose us in a crowd.

I mean, whoops! I'm confusing yesterday with 1986-1991, when we had matching terry-cloth short-tank ensembles so Mom wouldn't lose us in a crowd.


So, it's 1:17 AM in New Orleans. Mom is sleeping, Aunt Connie is sleeping. I slept a little earlier when I was supposed to be at The Party, because I accidentally fell asleep while someone (Mom) was (sort of) watching Mad About You, which is Boring. I think I got lethargic/sleepy on the ride back to the hotel, and by "ride back" I mean "getting lost," and by "getting lost" I mean "getting lost again."



This one's for all my babies back home in the Big Apple....you know how I always "ruin"/TOTALLY ROCK photos with my "goofy"/AWESOME facial expressions? Well, uh, yeah.


*I know that it's "I" and not "me" because I have a degree in English, which is useful for things like talking about yourself on the internet.