I'll Buy You a Hat From New Orleans, and in The Morning You Can Tell Me Your Dreams

Today, my Mom, my Aunt Connie and I* went to see my brother, Lewis Jacob Lyn Bernard [google that, bitches!!!!] graduate from Tulane, which is in the City of New Orleans, like the song "City of New Orleans." I was reminded of Hogwarts [again, projecting here, as I only read the first Harry Potter book and haven't seen any of the movies] where the students are granted a magic wand and like, flying pants or whatever, except instead of the magic wand, Lewis Jacob Lyn Bernard received a degree in a useful subject [Mechanical Engineering, which I think has something to do with Legos] and a job [again, Legos?]!

This makes Lewis more successful than most people I know, including myself. Also, Lewis and I used to make great Lego movies about people who lived underwater and/or in outer space, which was probably like, super-inspirational for him.

Speaking of super-inspirational ... not only did I get to see my favorite president, the ever-so-sexy BILL CLINTON, at the Tulane Commencement ... [you can see how inspired Connie and I are in the accompanying photographs] ...

... BUT there was a surprise visit by ELLEN!!!! I stood up to cheer like a wild maniac, and I totally thought the girl two seats down from me [suspiciously reading Rainbow High] would stand up too but she didn't. Maybe she didn't want to associate with me because, due to extreme air conditioning, I had recently added striped leggings to my stellar outfit [Lo's dress and my torn-up Chuck Taylors], which I put on under my dress during the National Anthem. Take that, you Splatter Painted Star Spangled Banner. It was HOT!


ELLEN was the most AWESOME thing to ever happen in the history of graduation ceremonies, which, as Willie said, is like being the fastest car in a New York traffic jam, but trust me it was AWESOME.

I took a lot of those photos of the stage that people take from thirty miles away where you can't see anything, but I won't post them, 'cause that'd be mean and also silly. Instead, here is a photo in front of a pretty building with my Aunt Connie, me and Lewis. Lewis and I were wearing matching shirts so Mom wouldn't lose us in a crowd.

I mean, whoops! I'm confusing yesterday with 1986-1991, when we had matching terry-cloth short-tank ensembles so Mom wouldn't lose us in a crowd.


So, it's 1:17 AM in New Orleans. Mom is sleeping, Aunt Connie is sleeping. I slept a little earlier when I was supposed to be at The Party, because I accidentally fell asleep while someone (Mom) was (sort of) watching Mad About You, which is Boring. I think I got lethargic/sleepy on the ride back to the hotel, and by "ride back" I mean "getting lost," and by "getting lost" I mean "getting lost again."



This one's for all my babies back home in the Big Apple....you know how I always "ruin"/TOTALLY ROCK photos with my "goofy"/AWESOME facial expressions? Well, uh, yeah.


*I know that it's "I" and not "me" because I have a degree in English, which is useful for things like talking about yourself on the internet.

Rosie, Ellen, and The Well of Brokeback Loneliness: What Else Could I Say, Everyone Is Gay, What Else Could I Write?

Way back in the day, when I was a little girl growing up in the tender liberal enclave of Ann Arbor, Michigan, my little brother and I were fully dedicated to daily 4 P.M. viewings of The Rosie O'Donnell Show. That was right after school, though our viewing didn't cease come summertime, we'd obviously tape every episode. We also ate a lot of Cheez-Its. Then I grew up, Rosie left her show, and I stopped eating Cheez-Its and instead went to the gym every morning at 11 A.M to watch The View on TV.

So, just try to imagine the absolute bliss that radiated the very core of my being when I learned that....

ROSIE O'DONNELL IS GONNA BE THE NEW CO-HOST OF THE VIEW!!!!!

It was super-funny when Joy Behar noted that, following this announcement at the Emmys, the camera cut straight to Ellen: "Nice how they went right to a shot of the other lesbian on daytime TV." This makes me happy because maybe there won't be any elephants in the room on "The View" [besides, of course, the deflated body of the Payless shoes lady], like there are on other daytime shows [Ellen, I love you dearly no matter what xoxoxo, but it's weird how you totally avoid the subject, though also understandable a little 'cause of what happened with your brilliant sitcom].



Not to make it sound like I spent most of the early 90s watching television...but I also LOVED Ellen's Show, originally titled These Friends of Mine and then re-titled Ellen. My best friend Alina and I did fab immitations of Ellen from the self-defense class episode, obviously one of the funniest things ever on television. I totally heart Ellen's daytime television show, and I heart her style, her girlfriend and her dancing, so my world was totally rocked when I saw that, later this month, the whole cast of The West Wing is gonna be on her show to celebrate the series finale!!

OMG I hope they hear that 1, 2 step!


Yes ... but this week of gay love doesn't end there. Today, I was on the L train (lookin' like hell, which is why I didn't dry hump her right there) with my crush-of-the-week, Kim Stolz from America's Next Top Model.
On Saturday night, I made the mistake of watching Brokeback Mountain, which I hadn't seen before. Total cry-a-thon. Afterwards, you should read The Well of Loneliness, which I finally finished yesterday. Actually I couldn't read the last two pages in their entirety, because it was too fucking depressing. I think Stephen Gordan needs to be on The View with Jack Twist.



P.S. I don't actually get television in my house, so this is going to be a bit of a problem because I can't spend all day at the gym! Or can I?