Monday, September 10, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: I Used to Be Free of Spirit, Now I'm Just Free of Sleep

You'd Think With All I Oughta Be Doing Right Now, This Would be a Thursday Top Two ...
I composed this week's top ten via a series of 3-5 minute intervals peppered throughout my lovely weekend of insane teevee show-related work -- each interval concluded when the guilt grew too strong to bear. What follows is the result of that process. You can imagine it'll be like listening to Guns 'N Roses sing "November Rain" over the course of an entire weekend via 3-5 second clips. Why "November Rain"? Because it's a super-long song. I was in 6th grade at the height of its popularity, and recall vividly the agony over selecting a proper partner for this particular slow-dance [read: I didn't really have a choice, beggars can't be choosers]. "This Used to Be My Playground" was another long one. If you got stuck with a boy who already had a boner, you were really in for it. Not literally, obvs, I went to gifted kids school, we were too nervous and special to actually be "in for" anything. What was my point? Oh yeah, I didn't have one.

Saturday, September 8th. 1:00 A.M.:
I've been staring at Page 1 of Webisode #1 since 12:14, which's when I finished another thirty-minute task that somehow took two hours. I say 'somehow' as if this isn't a pattern I've repeated every time I've done anything, ever.

That's a good lead in to this week's Sunday Top Ten topic, because it's about things I'm bad at [e.g., my continual/endearing underestimation of the amount of time required to complete any given task.]

Saturday, September 8th. 1:15 A.M.:

Zoey just told me whatever I'm doing with my hair, it totally works, and I should become a stylist like Shane. WHEEEEE!!!! Har. I'll call my Salon "Shane," or whatever it is that Cherie Jaffee was going to call the salon that she was opening for Shane before our lives -- in mean, their lives-- fell to pieces.
SUNDAY TOP TEN: Things I Just Cannot Do

Saturday, Sep. 8th. 2:00 A.M:
10. Simple Tasks Around the Office
(I don't know what it is specifically I'm bad at,
but somehow I suck at all jobs that other people are able to do
effectively, efficiently, and dynamically)

I have one freelance job where I write recruitment ads. I'm pretty good at this. It involves describing qualities desirable in applicants that I myself do not possess. I think about this when I'm temping: "this would be an ideal position for a motivated and solution-oriented administrative professional with a desire to develop career skills in a dynamic multi-faceted work environment ... not me." Howevs, I got computer skills and that attention-to-detail thing. I'll attend to details until my eyes turn into goldfish and my fingers fall off, seriously.

Last Tuesday, I dashed from the headquarters of Global Wealth Management at a Big Important Bank at 5:30 ON THE DOT, like "GTG film, latez!" after totally rescheduling some super-important world hooha blabla meeting without checking to see if it was okay with the person who'd arranged it in the first place. [In my defense, I did check with my direct supervisor, and it was his meeting, too, get your shit together, mister!] I felt like everyone was mad at me and subsequently thought: "Maybe this's because I look like Danny Partridge today, and they probs had an unrequited crush on him back in the stone age when they were children." The women were talking about internet dating and I was pulling out what hair I hadn't already cut off.

9. Understand the Rules of Football
I've got a lot of complicated Rules of Living, like "Riese's Rules For Meat-Eating" [I'm talking about actual dead-animal meat, not "meat," get your head out of the gutter] [or maybe that's just my head?] One of those sets of Rules is "Riese's Rules For Sports." They include:
1. I should be able to imagine the sport being played by Native Americans. Like, it should seem like something you could do with sticks and deerskin.
1a. Therefore, no complicated things like ice rinks [I realise ice rinks used to form naturally from lakes in the wintertime, but you know what I mean, yeah? No like, complicated whatzits like they have in hockey] or complicated equipment like in croquet.
1b. Or complicated rules, like in FOOTBALL. They're all stop and start. That's lame, it's like, I wouldn't accept that in a sexual partner, why would I accept that in a sporting event?
2. I would like to see the player's actual faces. Faces matter to me. I'm a people person.
3. Clearly you can see that basketball is the best sport ever, according to those rules.

Sat. September 8th, 2:36 A.M.




Sat. September 8th, 2:46 A.M.
8.Do Nothing and/or Sit Still

I like to fill every moment of every day with as much activity as possible, even the parts where I am sitting still. I don't sit still; I shake, rattle and roll. I like to multi-task, just not necessarily efficiently, and just not boring stuff, like "9" or "10."

"The only thing was, when I tried to picture myself in some job, briskly jotting down line after line of shorthand, my mind went blank. There wasn't one job I felt like doing where you used shorthand. And, as I sat there and watched, the white chalk curlicues blurred into senselessness."
(Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar)

7. Dance

That's my hero, Shirley Temple.
Most boys can't dance, but I'd somehow manage to date the few that could, and obvs all girls can dance so I've generally dated good dancers. [Also, I tend to date musicians of some sort, so there's that.] I cannot dance. That's right. As I just said, most girls CAN dance, but I'm not most girls. I'm trying to tell you that I am actually a Superhero. That's right. I'm going to go back in time and retrieve my doc, then I'm going to do a little dance about it, inspired partially by my document recovery and partially by the flight of a butterfly who flaps his wings in China. Once I had a boyfriend who was trained in ballet, jazz, modern, tap, etc. No, he wasn't gay, btw.

Sat. September 8th, 11:22 P.M.
6. Shut Up

Hi. Back. Carly thinks I'm writing a Webisode right now, but I'm playing hooky to do this for a minute, because my brain hurts. Guess what? My back hurts too and I know why: it's FROM SITTING IN THIS CHAIR ALL THE TIME!

Re: this chair, which is clearly killing me softly ... once upon a time, back in the June of my discontent, I wrote a comment on a blog entry, that went as follows: "My girlfriend just told me that I've lost my mind because I super-glued a Jack Kerouac postcard to my desk. The only reason I did that is cause I opened the super glue bottle to try to super glue my "T" key to my keyboard, which obvs did not work, and now it's just balanced just So, and then the super glue thing wouldn't open, so I had to cut it open, and then it leaked on the desk, and then It was getting everywhere, so I had to put something on top of it, so I put this postcard on top of it and now it's stuck there forever. That's okay. I got this desk for free from a whorehouse, 'cause the owner was getting a new desk from IKEA and putting her old desk out on the street."

Anyhow, that explains the chair!

Obvs [redacated] was projecting. I'd not lost my mind, I'd caught second-hand madness. I'm not mentioning this for any other reason than its extreme relevance, re: my chair. Also, I thought that comment was brill, at the time, and every time she re-read it out loud to me to really display it's apparent off-the-wall-ed-ness, I laughed more, harder than I'd laughed in centuries. I was laughing so hard my whole body hurt. Also, I figured that comment could double as a "cry for help." Oh well.

Don't cry out, cease fire, ten nine eight and i'm breaking away, I'm all dressed up and I'm ready to play, seven six five four and I'm all over you, counting three two one I'm having fun, your fascination with naked walls of silk and skin with no conditions, I needed you to notice ... that's all I wanted ... (shiny toy guns)

Sat, Sep. 8th. 11:55 P.M.
5. Pluck My Eyebrows
It makes me sneeze. Weird, right? That's why I have to get them waxed, which does NOT make me sneeze. I try to go every three weeks, so that no one's too horrified when they look at me. But now I have bangs instead.

4. Shmooze
I just think it's silly when people pretend to be what they aren't for the purpose of business. This is why I do not succeed at non-arts-related business. I believe in "keeping it real," and unfortunately, the "real me" swears like a sailor, makes multiple references to her own insanity, apparently does this weird mouth-teeth-lip-licking thing all the time (I just saw this on video), drinks like Eddie and Patsy, and also I can't seem to get up from a chair without like, fully LAUNCHING out of the chair like I'm a torpedo or something (also, the video). Also, why is my stomach growling again? I swear, I've had already 50 meals today. I must be pregnant. I'm a miracle of science, I should write a Guestbian column about this. I will NEVER get a six-pack if I continue to give in to my body's demands. Like: "feed me!" I fed you already! Jeez. You're like a dog or something.

Oh anyhow, I've gotten way better at this lately, for the purposes of promoting our teevee show. I think that's because it's not pretending. I really do believe in it.

1:30 A.M. Sunday. 9.10
3.Bench Press
That's right, I can't even lift the bar. Look at my muscles.

4:15 P.M. Sunday, 9.10
Here I am Again! Now Carly is here, in my room, asleep. Oh! She's awake now. We're doing work. I just did SOOOO much work over the last three hours, I need a break. Whew.

We're on the edge/verge. We had a brunch meeting this morning for some reason at the asscrack of dawn [9 A.M.] at L'Express, I feel like death. I was also clearly late. Carly hadn't slept yet at that point, which is why she was just asleep earlier, when I said "Carly is asleep."

The following members of our stellar production team were in attendance: Haviland, Jessica, Caitlin, Cait, Cesar, Heather and, obvs, Carly & MEEEEEE (Riese!). Wow, that's like, a lot of Cs. I wonder what that means. I hope it doesn't mean we're average. I hope it means we're Certifiable.

11: 25 P.M. Sunday, 9.10

2. Stay on Task
I am bouncing off the walls. I would like to run around the block. Unfortunately, I live in Planet Harlem (titled such because I was once told by a passerby: "Welcome to Planet Harlem, White Girl!") and thus I'm constantly harassed every time I dare to step out the door. It's gotten out of hand. Starr, my temporary roommate who just moved in, commented on this as well--she's never experienced such ridic cat-calling nonsense as she does right here. I just DON'T UNDERSTAND THE POINT.

I just went to the corner store to get a Gatorade XTremo, Coca-Cola and Grapefruit Juice, and was cajoled by four different people. Go to bed already! Why's everyone always out on the streets?

I have a new plan: I'm just gonna cut off all my hair. Then people will think I'm a boy, and if they try to harass me, I'll be like "I'm a boy, fuck off." And then if they try to mess with me, I'll be like "Listen up: I am a boy and can crush you with my hands."

My eyes are sunk so far into my skull, I'm not sure they are actually "eyes" anymore. I feel like that guy in the MTV promos who drove taxis and had greasy hair. Remember him? MTV used to be so much better than it is now, yeah? OMG I wonder what happened with Britney tonight on the VMAS!?

Whoah. I just watched like three minutes of that, and my computer battery drained 50%. Why does she look so dead in the eyes? Where have you gone, my sweet Britney Spears?

Oh right.

1. Play Volleyball
I can do most other sports. Just not volleyball. I wish I could though. It looks fun.

I searched for women's beach volleyball pictures and this was the first thing to come up. I felt like it was fate, maybe.

Q: Riese, go to sleep.
A: OK.


lawlaws said...

Wow, your 'bangs' or what we Brits call your 'fringe' look super cute. It took me years of watching American sitcoms to work out what bangs were. I knew it related to hair, I just couldn't work out which part it related to.

I am also an eyebrow sneezer, my friends think it's weird, I however knew that someone else would suffer from this affliction.

My mum once super glued her hand to her nose. It was frickin' hilarious, she looked like one of the sewer mutant Old New York people from futurama.

Thats all I have to say right now, I'm tired.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

I was about to at least try to make a case for football, but then you said basketball was the best sport ever and all was well in the world.

Also, I, too, cannot do "nothing." Hence, the 3 1/2 blogs, six magazine subscriptions, book-every-two-weeks-but-sometimes-two-in-one-week reading habit, splitting responsibilities for maintaining Oneonta's regional poetry scene and, you know, being social. I'll burn out one day. Until then, I'm blazing.

Thirdly, I might have manscaped on rare occasions to avoid looking like a cro-magnon, and it made me sneeze. You are not alone.

You'll get the schmoozing down. It is an acquired skill. The trick is to figure out ways to get to "being yourself" within the context of schmoozing. Successful application results in people whose names you couldn't remember if you tried thinking of you fondly and being super excited to see you if you ever cross paths again. Totes awesome, in a completely awkward way.

That is the greatest volleyball picture I have ever seen. I am jealous. Though more of the top - less sand in the pants.

cait said...

i don't know if it can be considered brunch if it took place at 9 am. right?

you and carly talk about the show best when you think about it the least, or so it seems. i hope that's what happened today.. for reals

also your neighborhood is no joke. everyone is outside 24/7 and crosses the street whenever they want to, not when they should. i almost hit a woman wearing a hot teal suit with a matching teal hat with sequins and feathers. she was either going to church or fashion hell, it's a toss up.

i'm gonnna go back and look at that volleyball picture again cause now i am thinking about teal lady and it's making me upset.

lawlaws said...

OMG! I just remembered, apparently the womens beach volleyball at the London 2012 olympics is going to be held in my town (even though I live 2.5 hours from London).

It's because the UK's biggest sports university is in the town where I live. Even though the sand will have to be imported because I live the furthest from the sea that you can in the UK.

Party round my house in 2012 methinks!

No-one really needed to know that, but it's given me something to be excited about at least.

caitlinmae said...

Our brunch should have really been called eight fruit platters and an ibook. (like beck. but not.)

I think this is a superworthwhile sunday top ten and you were probably more productive on pitch/webisodes BECAUSE you were taking time off to write/not marathoning your brain. Something about Archimedes, Eureaka, Psychology... Yeah.

Can you blog a wrap up of the pitch meeting? Oh wait, I'll do it for you.

RIESE and CARLY enter
Execs: Dag, yo, those are some fine lookin' biddies.

RIESE and CARLY are their adorable, talented, effirvescent selves.

Execs: Hot damn! What more could we ask for?


Execs' heads explode. All over your new LOGO contract.

You know, breaking legs and knocking woods and crossing all sorts of fingers and toes so that this recap actually comes true.

Madey said...

I enjoy that approximately half of this list consists of near-crippling disabilities and the other half consists of totally expendable frivolities. In the interest of helping, I’ve found that walking around briskly with a manila folder and a determined look will give off the appearance of competence at nearly every profession, including office-related ones. Once the art has been perfected, you can even venture to carry a coffee mug or loose leaf paper to achieve the same effect. I currently get by with a single Papermate pen, but that is perhaps too advanced for those just starting out. Nonetheless, best of luck.

Also, since you’re from Michigan, I would take a rain check on Lozo’s football tutoring until next season. You seem too busy to add “infinite depression” to the list.

Oo Lynnie oO said...

you're a trooper for finding time to post this! next time you should do "top 10 things i do incredibly well" was like, the many faces of riese with all those pics...and btw, i dig your hair! and also as a sidenote, the VMAs were shite. poor brit...

Lozo said...

the guy in the taxi was great. remember the one where he was all, "your girlfriend is real cute. how tall is she? she's 5000 feet tall." i think there was a band called MC 5000 Foot Jesus or something like that out then.

i'm either best or worst schmoozer. it all depends. i'm like jon lovitz in A League of Their Own. "you're an accountant? if i had that job i'd KILL MYSELF!"

also, how do you have so many pictures of yourself? you must have like, 10,000. who is taking all these pictures? do you photograph EVERYTHING? you probably have a box of kinky nudes with ex-girlfriends. i so have to find that box.

and my football tutoring offer is off the table, because your attitude toward it all stinks. however, my massage exchange program is still open.

Crystal said...

I'm with you on the dancing tiger. I cannot dance. I've never even tried, it's never appealed to me. But I can mosh like I'm still 13, inking my nails and living for Green Day.

Schmoozing is the only skill I have that I'm confident about, I'm good at talking people into things, the Shake & Fake is my A-game. It's also the only time I'm not a social incompetent.

You've perfected the recruitment-speak, it's a little worrying.

Abby said...

In response to comment for previous post please email the details and it will be done! I mean it.... seriously...don't forget...

stef said...

my roommates are watching football RIGHT NOW. i am already sick of football, how long has it been football season? like ten minutes?

i believe i can dance when i'm drunk, but i have a feeling if i ever saw these moments played back to me on video i'd change my mind about it very quickly.

i was pretty good at volleyball in gym class. that and badminton. there was no running around and you didn't really have to throw or kick anything, which was a big plus...

and also, um, britney at the vmas, best thing ever. i kinda LOVE the song. is that bad?

rocketdyke said...

hm, i never really liked volleyball much but that photo makes me want to reconsider. maybe if i had grown up closer to a beach, things could have been different.

if you wanted to bench press, though, you could totally do it. because you must have tons of books, so you could start by bench pressing books.

i think the thing with small talk is often that you just have to pretend like youre really interested in listening to people talk about themselves, and if you just listen and ask them questions that make them feel like you really give a crap about what theyre saying, then they like you. and if they like you enough, eventually theyll listen to one or two things you have to say, so then the trick is to just say the things you really want them to hear after theyre finally thinking that youre a nice person. of course, with many people, theyll just talk about themselves endlessly and never listen to you. so then its important to learn how to redirect conversation, and end it. but thats like, lesson #14 or something. really its just all about asking a few questions and listening to people. you pay such attention to details about people and things that with a little practice youd be totally good at it, i bet. you should practice, just start talking to people on the subway and stuff. i used to do that, i had a little game where i would talk to one stranger every day, and it ended up being a really great way of picking up girls. but now i have a girlfriend and i only talk to people i already know. jk.

if youre seriously meeting everyone who comments on your blog, then someday when you come to brooklyn to cattyshack, let me know and ill come by and say hi. i live right by it. id totally love to buy you a drink. but i understand that it takes forever for you to get here from there so its probably not that exciting of an idea. but seriously, thatd be fun. i mean, maybe not as fun a strip club, but i think the strip clubs in ny are not as fun as the ones in l.a. in l.a. all the girls are superhot "actresses" and theres way more audience participation. but i digress.

riese said...

lawlaws: Thanks! They aren't working so well today. I think they had a running streak going on last week. It could be the rain. Hm. Olympics is totes something to be excited about I think. NYC lost that bid, thank God, I would have died, all the traffic, I hate people.


bb: Only six magazines? I think I read at least twenty. That being social thing is where I need to step up by game. I seem to have found the key to schmoozing for me is to only schmooze with Carly. Together, we are charming. Alone, I am, um, less charming? But I'm hoping that feeling charming as a team will enable further charming feelings when solo. Actually ... I think it does.


cait: Hm, is brunch by definition more mid-morning? Currently, as I write this, someone is riding around my block with a megaphone soliciting tips for some recent crime. It's amazing, every day, it's something new. I live across from a church, I think bad 'n bright outfits is how Jesus finds them in order to best bestow appropriate light.


caitlinmae: nice song, I think that morgan and Sam should sing that song when they have their band. I love the idea of the execs saying "dag, yo, those are some fine lookin' biddies." legs broken, woods knocked ... we'll give ya the scoop asap, team.


madey: I know, right? I like to walk the line between near-crippling disability and totally expendable frivolities at all times. The Final Draft part, which didn't even get numbered, about my thing getting erased, is my favorite part personally. I think I am going to take your advice, using the "coffee mug" approach.

lynnie: I know, poor Brit!
I'm not good at anything, really. I think I did a post about my marketable skills or something maybe?


Lozo: I do photograph everything, yes. I want to have graphics for my blog. I think graphics liven up a page, and distract from the fact that I'm hitting the reader with 10,000 words of straight up textual nonsense every three days. It looks less scary to read, I think. Also, I just cut my hair, and therefore needed to photograph from many angles. Actually, I don't have a camera. That's the secret. I just have photobooth on my computer. And old pictures on my computer from other people's camera.


crystal: this will be good for our marriage. we can not dance, and you can talk to people for me.


Abby: OK!


stef: I have no idea how long it's been football season. I know college football usually starts the first weekend of September. I also believe I can dance when I'm drunk. I also think I'm right. I love that song too, but she looked so dead in the eyes, like she was just at rehersal or something, you know what I mean?


rocketdyke: I haven't tried to bench press to be honest with you since probs five years ago. I was stronger than than I am now though. Meatier. I carried a lot of plates, and lived in the Midwest. I'm pretty good at the thing where I ask people questions about themselves, unless they start asking me questions about myself, because once I start I just can't stop.

every time i go to cattyshack, i tell myself I am never going there again because it takes so long to get there but there is still a chance. maybe i can take lozo there except that I was saying to Haviland today that i need to stop meeting people from the blog, and I think Carly and I had a convo about it the other day too actually (I don't know, all of the last week is one big muddle in my brain) because then I can no longer maintain the facade of being way cooler than I actually am.

But who knows. I do like to be bought drinks, and I'd be interested to see if you could redirect my endless flow of conversation.

If that's a good way to pick up girls -- talking to random strangers -- then I will SO do it

Razia said...

#5 Is so not weird, happens all the me anyways

I don't know why but I vividly remember that postcard comment, like it was yday.

The decription of your neighbourhood kind of scares me, but I don't think you could pass off as a dude.

Oh and thanks for that volleyball photo.

Anonymous said...

This is my first comment ever. Mostly because:
(a)I am super shy.
(b)I am a bit intimidated by the awesomeness of the blog/other commenters(?)
(c)and I'm super shy. Really.

With that said, will you be my internet girlfriend?

It would totally work out because I live in L.A. so we wouldn't get sick of each other! And you can visit when your making killer deals with your show in Hollywood. While I may be kinda young(I'll be 19 next month), I am not yet jaded, bitter, or crazy...which can be a good thing.

Please circle one:
yes no maybe

ps. I have been a hawaiian/tahitian dancer for 14 years so I can definitely show you some good dance moves. Just, ya know, fyi.

Michelle...I mean Anonymous!!!

lain said...

Except that basketball is boring! Like tennis. Now they are on one side of the court. Now they are on the other. Oh look, the numbers at the bottom of the screen changed again!

Here is the secret of football: every game begins with three to four hours in the parking lot, topping off your BAC so that it can withstand the period of time inside the stadium where beers cost 9 dollars.

Also there are lots of very fit men in tight satiny pants. But clearly I am considering a switch to beach volleyball.

Crystal said...

Our marriage sounds ace. But does this mean no dancing at the wedding? Because I've picked out a few little numbers from Devo and the Culture Club that would go down a treat. For your multiple bridesmaids, of course, not us.

cait said...

i think brunch is like breakfast and lunch... no one eats lunch at 9 am... i dunno

if anyone else told me that someone was outside with a megaphone i wouldn't believe them, but sounds about right for you, actually i would believe anything you said you saw or had happen to you, cause really your life is a movie

it kind of scares me that i met you and then you decide to stop meeting blog people, did all the electronics put you off?

also, there is was a video of pacey and his gf yesterday on tmz, apparently they are out and about all over the city

kate said...

after an instructor at a dancercise class i didn’t even want to attend gave me a really encouraging smile followed by a chirpy ‘thanks for giving it a go!’, I’ve accepted that the fates don’t want me to dance -unless someone is just twirling me round and round, coz that’s fun right? probs not by the end of november rain though

i think you should try bumping the keeping it real up a notch by yelling completely inappropriate things at your neighbours..
the best way to deal with crazy behaviour is with a bit more crazy.

and, yeah, plucking my eyebrows makes me sneeze too.

rocketdyke said...

well i dont want you to stress out about your cool facade, but i also tend to think people end up being cooler IRL anyway, so it probably wouldnt be an issue for me. id still think you were cool.

also, it sounds like most of the blog people youve met recently have only had positive influences on your life, so yay blog friends! not that anyone's ever accused me of a being a positive influence (especially in relation to my 3 year old niece who i "taught" how to "play" the piano at my mother's house.)

also, yes, purposefully talking to strangers on a regular basis is the GREATEST way to pick up girls, mostly because if you get used to it, then when you see someone you think is cute, the idea of just saying something to her isnt *quite* as daunting.

also, ill confess to you here that im an attorney, and i do litigation - like actually go to court and argue about things and depose people and question witnesses and stuff - so my job is basically to get people to talk to me about stuff that they might not actually want to talk about, all the while not ever saying anything too substantial to them - that way i learn what i need to know without giving away what i already know or think. so its like, small talk with an ulterior motive.

also, no matter how much you talk, theres always the possibility of redirection. sort of like how you "bring it back around." its an art form.

also, i could always use a drink, and so could you, so if you stop by brooklyn sometime, you should email me.

also, i never donated any money to your fund, but if you ever needed to incorporate or get a tax id number, i am so totally all over that. its not that hard, i could show you how to do it yourself, like if you needed to open a separate bank account for your project or whatever. so that can by my contribution to art and lesbian tv. but i dont know anything specific about entertainment business stuff.

dewey said...

I also am rubbish at Schmoozing people unless its something I really believe in, then I won’t shut up until they've come round to my way of thinking. However I am really easily schmoozed, people can convince me something is worthwhile and a good idea really easily...maybe I'm just naive.

Lawlaws-Im totally up for a party round yours in 2012, I seriously am the biggest supporter of 2012 you will find and want to go to as many events as I possibly can whilst it’s on! But...don't want to ruin your excitement or anything.... but I thought it was being held at Horse Guards Parade in London

My Ipod has just died on me, it wont do anything!! It wont even let me reset it!!

riese said...

Haviland just confirmed this, re: the eyebrow plucking thing. I don't understand why no one's ever confirmed this sensation to me before now! Maybe this is what blogging is really all about. Speaking of Haviland, last night she brought up the postcard comment -- having not even read this blog yet (like most people who see me every day, they didn't expect me to write a blog at all this weekend)--so apparently it was more memorable than I thought, ha!


you had me at "not crazy." I am jaded, bitter, and crazy so you can balance me out, yeah? The internet is the headquarters for shy people to meet each other. It's made me more outgoing, I think, actually. Then you can meet in real life feeling slightly more relaxed, like "you already kinda know me." Or at least this's what I tell myself.

19 is legal. And earnest. That's not for nothing.

[thanks for commenting. i look forward to the dancing lessons]


OMG basketball is sooooooo not boring! It's the opposite of boring! It's like whiz-bang-boom. but honestly actually I don't like pro basketball, I prefer college basketball. It's no fun when they are all super robots, it's like watching a video game with cheat codes. I like the possibiltiy that the athletes are still figuring out their shit, and things could go wrong and things could also go surprisingly and amazingly well, and often do.

I think I'd like football better if I liked drinking before sunset?

Beach volleyball though. Clearly the way to go.



Totes dancing at the wedding, all my friends are ace dancers. I could possibly get drunk and dance, you never know. I like dancing the concept for other people, and I also love music. We can make fun of bad dancers together, in our not-heels.

Drunk Guy at Cameron's wedding, to me, (as I look at a peice of paper sitting on the bar, explaining some something about like, the order of events, who cares): Hey is that the song list?
Me:(it's obviously not) Yes.
DGACW: Cool, man, what's on it?
Me: Uhh ... the Macarena, the Limbo Rock ...
Me: The chicken dance. Do you like the chicken dance?
DGACW: I LOVEEEE the chicken dance.
Me: Cool, me too. What about The Locomotion? I think they're gonna play that first.



It's rainy today, and thus people are not out on the street, proving my just-thought-of-theory that it's not like they don't HAVE places to go, they could be indoors if they wanted to, and not yelling at me.

Haha, re: "I would believe anything you said saw or had happened to you, cause really your life is a movie." Or ... a teevee show!!

I was kidding about meeting blog people. I'd like to state for the record that all blog people I have met have been absolutely lovely, and brought nothing but goodness -- often in remarkable and surprising and heartwarming excess -- into my life.



I took a Hip Hop Cardio class once and no one thanked me for giving it a go, that's probs a really bad sign.



IRL=amazing abbreviation, I will start using it ASAP.

Yes, all the blog people I've met in real life have had remarkably and overwhelmingly positive influences in my life. I was just making fun of myself and how lame I am in real life, though lately I've been too un-slept and un-sane to really care, so maybe that's a good thing. I'm all like: "this is meeee!!!" (You know, like you say when you get off the subway har har)

That is an amazing skill for the attorney thing. I know a little bit about that from Benson & Stabler.

I actually do talk to strangers a lot, now that I think about it. When I'm drunk.

The most exciting part for me about going INC would be getting to come up with a fun name. Like, 'Riese Inc.' (huh?)



I am so sorry about your ipod, I would jump out the window obvs. or download songs to your phone? It's really hard for people to convince me of things too, unless I love them, then I'm like, "yeah totes!" but strangers, I'm like "I'm not buying it, mister."

Razia said...

I don't doubt how memorable the postcard comment was/is at all. I'm on super procrastination mode at the mo' so what better time to sift through your archives and find that specific comment, and whadya know? It was to me. I feel very privileged right now. Like very.

Just want to clarify that although I have enough time to sift through your archives, I do in fact have a life. Or the burning remnants of what was once a life at the very least. FYI.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

I only said subscriptions, ha. Utilizing the wing(wo)man is definitely a boon to good schmoozing. I'm at my best when I have someone to play off; re-acting is easier than acting for me. It's all practice.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

I had hip hop instead of gym in 6th and 8th grade. Crazy.

Michelle said...

Thank you Riese. I feel less shy already, which is why I switched from the security blanket of my anonymity to my name. This is me! And you confirmed it, we are def compatible. Your the best first internet girlfriend I ever had.

Also, I don't know anything about football either. Along with hula dancing, I was a water polo and softball player, and a swimmer. Wow,can I be anymore of a stereotypical Southern California native?

haviland said...

Seriously, the blog readers of auto-win are all shining stars.

Lozo said...

with my new computer, your site takes zero time to load now. i just said load.

also, i have decided to continue with football lessons, only so i can then retroactively make fun of you for michigan's football team this year.

question 1 -- on what down do you usually punt?

question 2 -- how many yards must one gain for a first down?

question 3 -- how many time outs does each team get?

that is your homework for tonight.

that feist ad is on right now.

Ollie said...

Dear Riese,

I like your newly designed website (please tell me it is newly designed, otherwise I am officially the shiniest cuckoo in the coffee cup) and I am so aghast that Lawlaws's EVERY comment seems to come out of the horse's mouth, not that I am a horse.Out of the Frog's MOUTH, word. Lawlaws, maybe it is the bangs comment (same here) or the fact that my mother glued her hand to her chin THIS MORNING. Get out of town, be good to me please. Maybe we are twins separated at birth. Do you have a purple pimpernail somewhere?

rocketdyke said...

i dont know, automatic-win, inc. could be very good, too, but people might think its a lottery or something. or Auto-Win Productions, Inc. or you could go in a different direction with Sunday Top Ten, Inc. the possibilities are endless really.

lawlaws said...

ollie, whats a pimpernall?

also, yay, i always wanted a twin. like when joey had an identical hand twin in friends.

(there are no CAPS in this comment cos im in bed typing with my other hand)

where does the horses mouth saying come from? anyone, anyone, bueller, bueller.

Abby said...

Forget football, try watching an All Blacks game (NZ rugby team) while the world cup is on (happening in France right now), gorgeous fit boys in skin tight uniforms throwing, kicking, running, scruming...

riese said...


I could not understand more, re: sifting through archives vs. having a life. Because having a life takes a long time, like you have to like ... leave the apartment,
ok see, I'm already tired, just writing that.

I'm glad it was memorable, ha. There was a lot of activity in the erum comments section at that time, deleted whathaveyous etc.



We had a carpeted gym. I don't know if that's crazy or not.



This relationship is already going better than most of my prior relationships. See, I keep learning new things about you; like that you're a swimmer, which is perfect, because you can rescue me when I drown and probably have nice shoulders.



spoken by The Rising Star! (did Carly and I fully do a "rising star" "shooting star" bit at the pitch re: samantha? yes, yes we did)



Zero Time? zero?

Yeah, there seems to b something going on with Michigan's football team, people are dropping that around me a lot lately.

1. Whenevs you feel like going to sleep
2. As many as it takes to get from the door to the bed
3. zero. but that's hard to say. you never know. sometimes timeouts are quickly broken. so somewhere between 0-10 .


1) fourth
2) ten
3) six


If you really were twins seperated at birth, that would be the most incredible thing to ever happen on my blog. OR if you were a horse who could type, like Mr. Ed but typing. I don't know what a pimpernall is either but it sounds really familiar.

Yes! It is newly designed!! By Stef!!!



It is a lottery, right?

I like Auto-Win, Inc. Or Automatic Industries or something. Hm. Auto-Weirdo.



haha bueller.



haha i love the dropping of gorgeous fit boys in skin tight uniforms onto this blog comment section. it's brill in so many more ways than there are yards on a football field.

Ollie said...

As a English-learning kiddie, I used to watch wholesome Hollywood movies of the 50s. Including the Court Jester with Danny Kaye. Has anyone seen it? It's a silly comedy. With a baby who has a "purple pimpernail" on its bottom, namely a birth mark in the shape of a plant, this pimpernail. So I just meant that if lawlaws and I were twins separated at birth, we could prove it by flashing a birthmark. Boring story! I should have learned English by watching HBO and Showtime.

lawlaws said...

Ollie, I have no birthmarks. And no real distinguishing features; apart from a ridiculously childlike nose.

Can you roll your tongue?

MoonKiller said...

Doing my eyebrows also makes me sneeze. A lot of stupid things make me sneeze. Like if someone pokes me in the eye I sneeze for like an hour.

I can't dance either. I'm like Joey on friends. I bop. I can however, rave. I rule at The Robot. I feel I've said that in a previous comment.

And I can never stay on task. It's because I have the inability to prioritise things. I think commenting peoples blogs has a higher priority than finishing coursework with the 40 minutes of battery I have left on my laptop when I will need atleast 2 hours.

Lozo said...

i knew that you knew stuff. you're a big faker.

now for a tough question. what is the funniest football term that is also sexual?

A) backfield penetration
B) backside pressure
C) hitting the hole
D) going deep
E) ball on the turf
F) carrying the ball
G) sack

The Brooklyn Boy said...

RE: sneezing - This is completely bizarre, but I only sneeze in odd numbers greater than or equal to three. My all-time high is 21.

lozo - I'm going with "using the stiff arm to penetrate deep into the backfield" for the win.

Ollie said...

In a horizontal or vertical tube?
'cos both, I can.

Lozo said...

i'm sorry. the correct answer is vertical tube. that's vertical tube.

ElRanito said...

I never should have stopped blogging. I forgot how much I enjoyed these top tens. Oh well, the though of all the time I can waste reading the top tens I missed over the past however many months is absolutely fantastic. (I think I can hear my productivity crying)

Michelle said...

Clearly it's a win-win situation.

The Brooklyn Boy said...


That would be win-autowin.

Thanks, I'll be here all ... ever?

riese said...

Ollie: If you had learned English watching HBO and Showtime, you would know only things like "You go girl!' (trademark Kit Porter 2006).


moonkiller: I JUST SNEEZED. You cannot mention ruling at the robot enough, it's just one of those things you know? I agree about the commenting on people's blogs when I should be doing other things thing. Except lately I've been bad at that but I am going to get better at it.


Lozo: Actually, it's funny that you say that because I actually am a big faker. Also, backfield penetration.


Lozo: dammit.


ElRanito: Hey, you! Thanks!


michelle: Win ... auto-win.


BB: Oh, you totes just said that.

AK said...

Having studied your skill set I can safely say that you will definately need an assistant, but I can also see that you work well under pressure, which is the foremost skill required for working in Hollywood, ie making artistic decisions when every second ticking away means enormous amounts of money being spent on the lights, camera, crew, sets, technicians, etc before the action part. I just talked to a colleague who has a daughter in the business who's totes ADD and is in much demand as a costumer, so I can speak with authority.

As for schmoozing, it's just like flirting, but the focus is slightly different. You do know how to flirt don't you? I've seen you do it. And talking about something you're passionate about it is definately the key.

I cannot advize on sports because I've sworn off ball games and sports that don't have balls and elaborate rules do not seem to count here in the free world.

haviland said...

ak - good point about the art of schmoozing. I've always been told I'm good at it...and I think you're fo sho right...all about the flirting.

And yes, Riese can definitely flirt.

riese said...

Yes! TOTES. In fact, I used to be a professional flirt. Hm.

I have ADD though, maybe I should BE an assistant. No, I;d make a terrible assistant. I def need one. Preferably a free one, obvs. Although when we get our contract none of that will matter.