Thursday, September 13, 2007

This Business of Art: In the Flesh Reading

What are you doing a week from today [Thursday]? Watching Friends? Well, newsflash: it's not on anymore, so you're probs free now. That's perfect. Because, as one of the best readers of all time, I've been asked to read at Rachel Kramer Bussel's "Best of the Best of 'In the Flesh'" reading next Thursday, September 20th, at the Happy Ending Lounge on 302 Broome Street in New York, New York. At eight, which coincidentally is when The O.C. used to be on.

[Sidenote: It is now officially allergy season. In an effort not to literally claw my own eyes out, I instead scratch the sides of my nose. I don't know why this works; actually, it doesn't. I'm basically just re-routing my fingers from my itchy red eyes to the part of my nose where, if I wore glasses, there would be little glasses marks, so if I do accidentally break skin, it won't look that weird. Howevs I don't wear glasses, so instead it just looks like someone with acrylics grabbed my nose with their fingertips and dragged me around for a bit. Obviously that happens to me all the time, I live in Planet Harlem. I just want you to know what I'm dealing with here as I write. Actually, the keyboard is a good place to re-route my fingers. [Insert sexual innuendo about re-routing fingers here.]]

It'll be crazy crowded, 'cause the other readers are mildly famous, so you should probs get there early, I'm actually planning to arrive on time.

Usually I like to layer my self-promotion in several coats of disclaimers, but this's gonna be fo'reals hot, you should honestly go for your own entertainment. Last year I read a story called 'Fucking Around,' (which'll appear in RKB's anthology "Dirty Girls") in which the protagonist metaphorically slept with a lot of cities, and I wrote lines and Haviland read them. It was super-hot. See:

"Fucking Around" led to many things. For example: [redacted] read RKB's event write-up, asked to read the story, I sent it over, and apparently her enjoyment of that story "sealed the deal" [the deal=liking me a lot]. Also, I met an editor from [redacted] magazine @ "In the Flesh," he was totes impressed ... I was mostly drunk and've got a vague memory of our convo, remember feeling totes overwhelmed and flattered and like, wow .. later, he asked me to write them an article which got killed. [Not by him, obvs, he worked his ass off on that thing with me]. This year will undoubtedly be equally fruitful. No really, both of those things were super-good before they were super-bad, obvs. Oh! Just remembered, I also met Brian there, I've done a lot of fun copywriting for him, including a gig that earned me a hot pair of leather cuffs and a whip, as well as cash money obvs. So yeah, this year, probs, I will meet Jackie Warner.

This is one of those posts where I just ramble. Actually, this whole thing about the reading was supposed to be an intro to another blog entry, but I think I'll just save that for tomorrow/the next day/the day after that, clearly this is going on long enough. The introduction has now taken over the post. That might be a really good metaphor for my life.


Anyhow, this year, the douchetards at Les Miserables, the Musical, won't give Haviland the night off to read with me. [Let's see how long I can keep this line up here before Hav asks me to take it down. Right now, it's Thursday at 6:51 PM] [UPDATE: Haviland is "being bold" and letting me keep it up. So there, Prisoner 56421 or whatevs!] We tossed around the idea of doing a little movie or something, but I realized that'd be a good way to repeat one of Riese's Top Ten Destructive Life Patterns: namely, finishing one stressful thing, and, before I can relax/sink back into the bell jar, I start another stressful thing immediately.

New Year, New Story, New Hot Girl! My friend Stephanie, also an actress, has stepped up to the plate and'll be reading with me. In order to best display this to you, and to encourage your attendance, I have constructed a graphic for you. The theme is, obvs, "Girls in Bikinis." This has nothing whatsoever to do with the reading. It's possible that this graphic'll remain as long as the above Les-Mis-bash line. [UPDATE: Also approved. Because, after all, there is this music video.]

Also, obviously, I have no story to read for the reading. Last year I wrote my story on Monday and the reading was on Wednesday. So this year, I figure I'll be churning this baby out on Sunday. I think I'm gonna use the same format [personifying cities, and then fucking them], but this time, I'll be talking about sleeping with various NYC neighborhoods/boroughs/tri-state area. Yeah? That'll be funny. I don't write erotica actually, I think I've mentioned this before.

Apparently I started writing notes for this hypothetical story in my notebook in July, and never picked back up on it. Here are the highlights of these notes, all of which are incredibly promising for the future [read: I am so fucked. And I mean that in the "what the hell am I gonna write?" way, not the "About to have sex" way.]:

Riese's Notes for "Fucking Around Part Two," as transcribed from her notebook,
where they were written in what appears to be an incredibly drunken scrawl:

-New Jersey isn't wearing underwear. I laugh: "You're not wearing underwear," and she doesn't laugh back, she just takes mine off, and we're close but not so close that I can't look down at her fingers -- chipped black nailpolish. Then I notice she's got each middle finger painted a smooth glossy un-chipped bright purple that reminds me of Bubble Tape, and I imagine her in traffic, flicking off drivers, I imagine her in photos, flicking off the camera, I imagine her inside me, flicking off. I want to laugh at this, too, but I learned my lesson about that already. New Jersey doesn't understand irony, which is why I'm confessing she's the best I've ever had outside of you, and outside of Chelsea.

She scratched me with those nails, but when you asked me about it the next day, I don't remember what I said, all I know is what I didn't say: I didn't say it was from New Jersey.

-I can't remember if I slept with Red Hook.

-Upper East Side didn't come. He left $100 cash on the nightstand. I don't know if he did that on purpose or not, maybe he was just emptying his pockets. Maybe he didn't know the difference between hookers and pretty girls.

Personally, I'm super excited to see Jessica Cutler, who got famous for writing like, five blog entries -- which happened to be about fucking Capital Hill douchetards, consequently landing her a book deal (The Washingtonienne ), a lawsuit, and a bevy of honors including Gizmodos "Top 10 Blogger Babes," Jane's "30 Under 30" -- and, most importantly to me, was called "beautiful, untalented, and morally corrupted" by Number One Twatwaffle Michelle Malkin. I'm not linking to MM, because she's a twat.

Also, I have a lot of secret heroes-- women I admire because they say whatever the fuck they want without any shame or pretense or concern for repercussion -- and Jessica is one of those. [Rosie O'Donnell would be another, but on completely different topics, obvs.] I don't really care about her book or her five-entry blog, I just think it's cool that she's always saying ridiculous things in public and not apologising for it. Actually, she's sort of made a career of doing things women aren't supposed to do and not apologising for it, and also participated in a Sex Columnists Sex & Dating roundtable in New York Magazine in which she actually prompted the entire panel, save for RKB, to WALK OUT, which is fucking incredible. That would be the moment that sealed the deal for me with JC. Also, she's kinda foxy (see photo).

(This "outspoken woman=secret hero" policy doesn't apply to Ann Coulter, I hope she gets hit by a truck) (Or while sitting in a parked car like what happened to Chelsea on South of Nowhere. Except Chelsea didn't get killed, 'cause she's a nice girl, but the baby she was preggers with did get killed. If Ann Coulter was in that car, I'd like for her to be pregnant with the spawn of Satan, and for both of them to get killed.)

Also, I searched my blog archives to see if I've ever talked about Jessica Cutler and it turns out that indeed I have. I'm not sure if I prove my own point here, or directly disprove it, but here it is:

"On Friday, I spent the day at work mediating the joy and the backlash [from my bi-girl survey], and when I got home from work at 6 I felt utterly battled and totally unqualified to enter the public sphere, that perhaps I was carrying on a bit too much with the naysayers, like I would become one of those writers who always says dumb things in public (sometimes I repeat to myself at night: "It's okay Marie, you could be Jessica Cutler.") or jumps on couches or becomes 85 pounds and then parties all night. So I got a massage and drank until Haviland came over. That's what Ernest Hemmingway would have done."

-Sunday Top Ten, "Surveying the Surveys," November 5, 2006

Have you ever seen this ad for "Cymbalta"? It's all like "depression hurts," and then it shows these people doing things I find perfectly enjoyable; sitting on the ground staring at the wall, sitting at a table with their head in their hands, lying in their bed. Then, they take Cymbalta, and start doing all of these things that would personally make me miserable: running outside with dogs, talking on the phone, working in an office and lying in bed with their 300 children. Is that supposed to sell people? I seriously don't understand how most of the world works.

Anyhow. Now that I've throughly ensured that meeting Jessica Culter will be totally awkward, let me go on. Although I suppose I did post an entire section of a blog entry about how my ex and I were completely obsessed with RKB, so clearly I like to stack the deck against myself.


Anyhow! Also reading:
-Polly Frost -- from the first moment I heard about this woman, I thought, her name is awesome, she should be a comic book character. Like, "Oh, you think I'm Pollyanna, JK I will ICE YOU!!" We've emailed. Yeah, that's right, and also, she met Haviland last year and she's just toured the entire country with this "Erotic Sex Scenes" show ("erotic and comic tales of Hollywood"), casting local actors in each show, and, obvs, will be doing that at the reading .
-Todd Levin, who's like a real comedy writer who's been on Comedy Central and HBO, writes for Salon, Esquire The Onion, and Radar, and might have the best writer website I've ever seen. Look at it.
-Satirist and political writer Andrew Boyd, who's published actual books and lead some really ace satiritical political campaigns including "Billionaires for Bush."
-Um, Samara O'Shea who actually has an Emily Dickinson quote on her webpage right now. How hot is that? I've wanted to read her book since I first heard about it, it's called "For the Love of Letters." I also love letters.

OMG, seriously writing out those author bios made me freak out. I wonder if they see my bio and think I'm a real writer? I should probably start drinking like, right now, to prepare. Or, you know. Writing.


Abby said...

Wow, I want more of that drunken scrawl! Wish we could be there.

Oo Lynnie oO said...

this is exciting! you'll be great! yay! if this were happening on my college campus id SOO be there. but i'll send you some good vibes, deal?

stef said...

this place got a bar? i'm in!

Crystal said...

The Happy Ending Lounge sounds awesome, I'm totally going to go. Just not a week from today. I'll be there in spirit.

riese said...

I will appreciate and encompass the embrace of everyone's spirit and vibes for my extended drunken scrawls.

Speaking of drunken scrawls, stef: OBVS. I'd never ask anyone to listen to me read sober. From what I recall, they were pretty strong. YAY! I'm glad that you're coming.

flynn said...

I would say that this is pretty cool. And that your bio is totes longer than everyone else's which, I think, makes you superior.

re: Cymbalta, I understand because that's been me for the past couple of weeks because Bronxville is boring (but I guess you know that?). Your archives kept me going for awhile, though. I'd give them a 'pretty good.'

stef said...

i'm sorry, word veri is vqmyn - vacuumin'. obvs.

i don't have anything else, i just couldn't pass that up.

yay booze!

Rachel said...

Can I just say:

a) I love this post.

b) as a Jersey girl, the opening line "New Jersey isn't wearing underwear" is just so perfect. (Though I must clarify and say that I always wear underwear, cause that's just how I roll. I enjoy underwear. But I'm commando in spirit.) I obviously want dibs on Fucking Around part 2. May have to start own pubishing company so I can call the actual book that (I mention in the intro to Dirty Girls that I wanted to name the book after your story). Cannot wait. To all of Riese's friends, I advise getting there early. With so many hotties on the lineup, it's bound to be a mob scene (in a good way, not a scare you away way).

Razia said...

That Cymbalta crack made me lol bc it's so true.

Good luck with the reading, you're gonna kill em all. Hands down.

Haviland said...

I'm getting bold. You're not taking that line down.

Yeah, I said it. Aren't you proud of your thunder perfect little one?

I am SO BUMMED that I'm not going to be there. Seriously, y'all have no idea. It was such fun last year. I expect you all to report back to me with full dish on the evening.

RKB, seriously, you should just publish an entire book of MLB's stuff. She's obviously the rising star of all rising stars.

Also, Riese...I love that you mention that these other writers are sorta "famous," as though you aren't? I mean...people are having Haviland sitings all over the city just from this blog!

Isn't there something on gawker like that? Could we add that onto this blog? Like, auto-win stalker? Or something?

Lozo said...

haviland has a great idea with the stalker map. maybe you can divide it up between all the haviland sightings and everyone else, since she's actually potentially famous. you can call it the HAV and HAV-NOTS.

really, i just wanted to get that cleverness on here. i'm far too tired to read this, other than skimming for my name.

keep reaching for the stars,


kate said...

location may prove a little tricky. you should do a live feed to your blog. can this even be done? surely?

same time next year though and it’s a date. tentatively. based on the fact that canada is much closer to ny than australia is. time, motivation and funding permitting, i’m there. hypothetically.

break a leg.

lawlaws said...

yeah, like kate said could you get a live feed going on, or could you get someone to film it and put it on here at some later point.

I would be there with bells on, but i can't afford the gazillion pounds sterling that it would cost to get there and back in one night.

However, I shall honor the event by drinking cocktails that night.

The Spaz said...

I'd love to hear you read, I've done the spur of the moment drive down to NYC for the weekend thing before.

Howevs, I'm taking my six hours of driving and applying it west, going to Toronto for a wedding instead. I'm not too enthused about this marriage but I suppose it could always be worse, I could be a bridesmaid.

goneundercover said...

the bikini pic is a-ok. a lot of people have already seen me dancing in one on mtv in several countries.
excited about the reading!

Lozo said...

ummmm, hello? HAV and HAV-NOTs? whatever. that shit was gold.

riese said...

Lozo, I have received two emails already today with references to the exact glimmering golden quality of the HAVS and HAV NOTS. If I emailed myself, which lets be honest, I do do sometimes, I would've commented on it to myself to. Like "HAV and HAV NOTS? Golden."

Lozo said...

it's going to be awesome. i figure on the map, we can use thumbtacks to represent the Hav sightings (red, for the HAVs) and the non-Hav sightings (let's say blue, for you, carly, etc., the HAV-NOTS).

colors are obviously negotiable. it'll get tough when people keep e-mailing in, "i saw Riese at the local strip club... AGAIN!" and the thumbtacks keep piling up in that one location, but hey, it'll be TOTES worth it.

riese said...

Flynn: Glad that my archives earn a "pretty good." SLC/Bronxville made me depressed, then anxious, so I clearly relate. I mean, I dropped out of college, so ... there's that. I think I wrote my own bio. As you may've noticed, I tend to go on.

stef: yay booze!

Rachel: Haayyyyy! I also enjoy underwear, and dibs is all yours. I can't wait to read that intro!

razia: Thank you for feeling me on that. Hands down appreciated.

haviland: This is not only a big step for you, but for the entire French Revolution. Can't wait for the upcoming Haviland sighting IN MY BED.

lozo: I agree, I think Haviland is def the more famous one. Shining stars, shooting stars, etc. Also, nice work with the HAVs and HAV NOTS, golden.

Kate/Lawlaws: The best part of that would be that y'all would have to watch it at like, 7 in the morning. I hope to break both legs, and at least one of Steph's limbs.

the spaz: Weddings? What are those? That sounds like a bad idea. Lifetime commitment, etc. But I guess it's not really your call, sort of like Les Mis.

steph: good point. That actually occurred to me. Rock on, can't wait!

lozo, part two: Hey haven't I told you about my agoraphobia? I think they'll be piling up in planet harlem.

Lozo said...

the happy ending lounge! and there's no more happy endings? come on! the guy in the $4,000 suit is really going to go to the bar with no happy endings. come on!

Guls said...

I'm still stuck on the bikini pics. WOW!!! But you wouldn't blame me, would you?


P.S: Congrats on the reading gig...

Nic said...

Congrats on the reading. Wish I could be there. Unfortunately GA is far, far away. Good luck!

riese said...

lozo: When I wrote this, there was a sentence in there that said [no Lozo, they don't give happy endings there anymore, it just USED to be a massage parlor] but then I thought maybe that was too like, directly crass or something. So anyhow, totes brill that you said it anyhow. You're very dependable.


guls: Ha, of course not, that's the point, obvs! SCORE.


nic: Hm. Maybe we can fix that. Move some things around. Push Georgia little north, etc. We'll see.

Transsexual Hobbit with Pink Gin digits said...

Stephanie is the prettiest thing I have ever seen. Riese, do you select your friends/adoptive fam on looks only? Well played indeed. Now I'm dreaming of Haviland kissing my left cheek and Stephanie the right. I'm so deviant.