Saturday, September 29, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: I Saved Up All My Sunshine Just To See You More Clear

Clearly, there are a lot of things about life that I don't understand. That's right, M[redacted] V[redacted], my English 125 professor who drilled that we shouldn't ever open an essay with a trite & broad generalized statement: There Are A Lot of Things About Life I Do Not Understand! Also: the world is composed of many different kinds of people, since the beginning of time human beings have grappled to comprehend the meaning of life, literature explores topics that expand our views of the universe, and the personal is often political.

[One thing I don't understand is why M.V. was such a cunt ... but English 125's how I met Natalie! I should probs adjust that name in case M[redacted] V[redacted] googles herself. Done and Done. She seems like the kind of person that would. Let me google her right now, BRB.

Holy shit. "Rate my professors dot com"? Why didn't this exist when I was in school?!! Whoa. You can indicate if your teacher's HOT OR NOT. This is brill. Anyhow, she's got a 3.8/5 for her teaching skills. Hm. Oh wow, someone wrote that she accused them of using someone else's paper to write theirs. She totes did that to my friend Inga. Looks like she's still up to her same old tricks. Tsk tsk. Oh man. She won something. A Fulbright? Damn. I guess she wasn't that bad. I loved her class, actually, it's just that she accidentally caused my One and Only Actual Mental Breakdown. Did I have a point? Chances are good that I did not.]

OMG, someone's grilling cheeseburgers or something outside my window. It smells like childhood. Usually people're getting shot outside my window, so this's pretty effin exciting. Seriously last night someone got shot outside my window. Not kidding.

Sunday Top Ten: The Great Mysteries of Life That I Do Not Understand, PART ONE

(Items 10-5, Posted Early, For the Reason Why, See "9.")

10. Why's My Phone Bill So High?
My phone bill inspired this post. I've had this issue since 2000, when I got my first cell phone. Somehow I talk less than everyone I know, and yet I always have the highest bill. My total text messages sent/received number (837 in August) is higher than my minutes-spent-on-the-phone. My phone got shut off for like, 24 hours, earlier this week and though I found it slightly odd that I seemed to've lost communication with a few key players, I wasn't necessarily shocked by the silence echoing from the chambers of the Dash. I just thought "Oh, Haviland must be busy," etc. But um: totes shut off. Apparently I owed them $250. I don't understand this. Can someone explain this to me?

I want a no-phone Phone Plan. I just need email and texting, and the calender and calculator. The rest I could do without. I don't need voicemail or any kind of minutes--I'm equally uninterested in daytime, nighttime, weekends, and other T-Mobile customers. I mean; I got T-Mobile 'cause my girlfriend at the time had it, as does Haviland. I tend to pick my phone companies based on who I'm dating at the moment I need a new phone, that's how I got stuck with Sprint for three years, thanks Scot.

[This's what I've got: 600 Whenever minutes (I use about 200/month), unlimited text & picture messaging, unlimited nights and weekends, unlimited tmobile-to-tmobile, Total Internet Add-on, equipment protection, and er *cough* late fees. Also last month I sent a text to Australia, that cost 0.15. That's really the only place I see where I could possibly cut back, and I'd rather not. That's right Crystal, you're WORTH IT]

9. Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog?
I mean, you know? Why not? Really, I'd like to talk about something else. Why is Stef losing Lozo's join-my-top-25-blog contest by such a gigantic margin? That's why I'm posting this right now as opposed to three days late, per ush. Stef was kidding when she nominated herself and she doesn't want to win 'cause she doesn't really want people to read her blog, and I probs don't have enough readers to make her win anyhow, but she'd like to lose by a less significant margin. Please go here and vote for her, thanks, you have 'til Sunday night at 10 P.M. I can't relate to the not-wanting-readers thing, as I clearly want everyone to read my blog, obvs, esp. Ilene Chaiken, Shane and G.W. Bush, and, whenever I blog about doing something fabulous, I hope all my exes are reading it and feeling bad for cheating on me with 16-year-old synchronized swimmers.

Sidenote, 9a: Lozo and I were discussing our lovely inter-blog traffic flow, and how it's resulted in many new lady commenters for WDWGDB, but not necessarily vice versa, though Lozo brings me lots of traffic which's fabulous, mwah. Anyhow, Lozo said it's "intimidating" to comment on my blog because my commenters are so awesome. Is this true? Do you people feel this way? This is sort of a retarded question to ask, as probs if you do feel this way, you won't comment, which is totes fine. I think it's a Catch-22 or whatever. I mean, because srsly, say whatever. Long, short, true, false, funny, insightful, brief, beautiful, retarded, whatevs. I talk in abbreviations, have a compulsive urge to overshare, and I frequently live-blog my emotional breakdowns and I can't spell. Again: not complaining, I totally understand, there're lots of blogs I read & never comment, and I don't really know why, I just don't feel like I can. I love & appreciate all my present commenters and I would make love to all of them if I wasn't so busy being Emily Dickinson, or if I hadn't already, or they actually wanted me to, or whatevs.
Lozo: Commenting on your blog is intimidating.
Me: It's intimidating? Really? But I comment back! I'm so nice! You're like: "Alex: Fuck you. Gina: I'd only do you if you had a bag over your head. Matt: You are wrong about the Yankees."
Lozo: lol. Not in that sense. Your commenters write lots of deep stuff.
Me: I'm like "Alex: I love you!, Gina: You're so special!, Matt: Good point! I feel that way too sometimes!"
Lozo: But my commenters are one-sentence people. Yours are people who tell stories.
me: I know, but I like one-sentence people too.
Lozo: It's a fitting in thing. You know what would have made this conversation awesome?
me: If it had been live? In person?
Lozo: Naked girls and drinks.
me: In bikinis?
Lozo: I like that you have my setups to my jokes read already.

8. Why Does Haviland Still Use AOL?
She's answered this question approximately 500 times, I forget the answer. I think it's got something to do with her career and keeping the same email address or something. But! AOL's just started doing this thing where they insert about 40 yards of white space to the end of all their emails. It's insufferable. I've communicated this. Here's what a quick gmail search turned up:

-August 17th, ME to HAVILAND: "Why does your email attach 30 pages of blank space to the bottom of every email? It's maddening and it must stop."

-August 20th, ME to HAVILAND: "The white space that follows every email is ruining our friendship."

-August 30th, ME to HAVILAND: "Dude that white space at the end of your emails is the most maddening thing on earth. Does anyone else tell you about this? It's going to make me into a crazy person. Oh wait, I already AM a crazy person!"

-September 12th, CARLY to ME: "I liked the unnecessary amount of white space at the end of your email, I thought of Haviland's emails when I saw that and then I laughed."

-September 13th: ME to HAVILAND: "1. Dude, you have to do something about this space Is there any way to fix it? Can I write someone at AOL? It's really maddening and unbearable."

Another question would be: Why do I repeat myself so often? Or, better yet: why does AOL make me repeat myself by sucking so hard?

8a. Why Does my Mom Still Use AOL?

7. Why Don't More People Read Books?
It's just that I get depressed when I feel like people don't read books, and then I use that as an excuse not to write mine. "It's not like people read books, anyhow," I'll say. But actually, the real mystery to me here is: who doesn't read books? Everyone I know reads books. You probably do. So why's publishing in such a dismal state? I don't know. It keeps me up at night, obvs. I also enjoy listening to books, like right now I'm listening to "Lucky" by Alice Sebold. I get really into it, I listen to it at the gym. Ppl are all like "what's up, gonna do a delt fly," and I'm like "She got raped in the tunnel!" It's like, serious.

I feel like books can be a lot better than movies or the teevee, cause there're books about everything. Books can offer special POVs and voices that you can't get from most movies or teevee, which first must receive "funding" and "distribution," which means that someone with money has to like the idea. It just becomes part of this big system. I mean, so is publishing, but you know what I mean, yeah? Here's some of my favorite books.

They're definitely better than doing nothing. E.g., on public transportation, while waiting in line, while walking (books-on-tape), while sitting on your ass, waiting in a doctor's office, waiting for your life to begin, waiting for your date to show up so you look smart, sitting at a bar alone not like I'd do that, etc. I dunno. I guess that's just my opinion. I also enjoy magazines.

6. Why Do People ADD Apostrophes to Plural Nouns?
There's this poster on our wall in the living room that makes me want to tear my hair out. It's a drawing and it reads: "The 59th Annual Kings County TONY'S." Probs it was drawn by some kid who's dead of a drive-by shooting now or something, and I'll feel really guilty when Zoey sees this and clues me in. Or maybe Zoey drew it herself, in which case I'll make fun of her about it. Starr's boyfriend was here last weekend and also got annoyed by it. He pointed out two additional errors, further fueling my fire. Sometimes, during Writeathons, Carly'd suggest we switch seats 'cause looking at that poster made me miserable and I commented on it often.

It's just that you have to ADD AN APOSTROPHE. WHY?!!! What goes through your head when you add that in?!! Like, what are you thinking?
This would be a good opp for y'all to inform me that I don't know the difference between "its" and "it's." I know. I'm working on it. (Kinda) I'm v.busy.


Haviland said...

I HATE AOL...could someone explain why the format has changed recently on AOL?

But I'm not hungry, baby I'm starving said...

i highly enjoy the random T & S lyrics strewn about your posts.

Lozo said...

label. my life is complete.

caitlinmae said...

hahaha hooray for lozo!
Also, new hair STILL looks AMAZING (and capital letter worthy.)
I love that at Vassar, where we're all so "elite," people constantly send out campus wide emails misusing their/there/they're and your/you're. The most recent offense was when a student send us a lovely email about the new composting program and told us what we could and could not put in the pale. I giggled at first, I thought it sounded vaguely sexual.

I am definitely a storyleaver. Maybe I should start leaving one word comments. For this post, it would be:


kate said...

firstly, you should stick with t-mobile. 15c is better than what i was getting within australia before i got my capped plan.

also, i’m a firm believer that it’s better to leave apostrophes out than to add them randomly- then you don’t look stupid, it just looks like you don't care, though, i am rapt when people know how to use an ownership apostrophe in names that end in ‘s’.

i'm one for run-on sentences which, i think, is more frustrating for readers than it's/its

riese said...

haviland: I LOVE YOU!


buried alive: i highly enjoy you noticing.


lozo: I made it retroactive, too. See. Better than girls AND bikinis.


caitlinmae: THANK YOU! I would think like "beyond the pale," you know, like .. "outside the guidelines of acceptable behavior" which would be, in fact, oddly appropriate. Your/You're drives me INSANE as well, as it seems, at least to me, to make perfect sense. Unlike the it's/its thing--which, let's be honest--is not entirely self explanatory. Right? right. I like stories. Keep leaving stories. xoxo*bikini


kate: I agree. Like, when texting? You know? Sometimes it's just difficult, or like, if I'm emailing from my phone, I might have just put "Im" instead of "I'm." That's what annoys me about it is that someone has to ADD something. Like why? You know?

I'm sticking with t-mobile because I am too afraid of the phone to call them and change it.

Lozo said...

retroactive lozo! i've so made it in life!

and the retroactivity makes up for you stuffing of the ballot box, young lady.

regarding intimidation, think about it. when i started leaving comments, a certain someone turned everyone against me because of my "6-foot-3" comment. it took forever to win back the community.

and yeah. bikinis?

and i never do this, but my word veri is shzhial. it's like snoop dogg saluting hitler.

k to the lily said...

Sometimes you end your sentences in prepositions, btw. I still love're my yellow rose.

stef said...

aww! my cold little heart just melted. thanks for the plug. i hope i don't lose by that much. i mean, i didn't even vote for myself, which i think speaks volume about my character. i voted for miss dick-in-her-mouth. i think that speaks even more volumes about my character. hear that lozo? i have character.

t mobile rules, i used to have cingular and my bill was $350 one month, all texts. who was i texting? idk, my bff rose. obvs. but now i'm scared of getting a fancy phone that does more than calls/texts. thanks.

the ONLY acceptable place for apostraphe in a plural is right here:

the b-52's.

i don't know why. it just makes sense that way.

we had the du review at my school, like rate my professor for that specific university, and my douchecunt philosophy professor got in ONLINE FIGHTS with us on it for saying he was a douchecunt. i guess it's true, you shouldn't read your own reviews. then he got fired. he's probably still a douchecunt.

i can hear the tv right now, know what's on it? that feist commercial. lozo has infiltrated my very soul right now.

this is a freakin novel.

also my word veri is 'pfrjhnah,' which is the precise sputtering sound i made when my first word veri turned out to be typed incorrectly.

Crystal said...

I do that apostrophe thing all the time, I don't know as much about that kind of stuff as I should.

$0.15? That almost sounds like a bargain. It's $0.30 for me. I really like being worth it, maybe that should be my disclaimer.

birdy said...

Yeah, I'm going to have to agree that commenting is intimidating. I only just started because I just couldn't hold back any more. But I've been reading for like, a year.

So, yeah.

riese said...

seriously, I am retroactively LOL-ing from the most recent comments. Srsly, still LOLing. Yup. the Fiest commercial, OBVS.


lozo: In life? As opposed to, in dreams? I know, I thought about apologizing for stuffing the ballot box, but then figured ... since I'm not like, going for the win, maybe it's okay? Nice new icon, p.s. Also the rest of your comment made me LOL too much to think. Hm, I'm sort of drunk and blogging right now. BRB.

Ha. I forgot that it was that 6'3 thing. Ha ha. Seriously, LOLing again. Anyhow you shouldn't be intimidated, I bet you're my tallest blog reader, you could everyone's ass. JK. I'm sure I have taller readers. Right Chris Webber? Right. I don't know what I'm talking 'bout no more. As opposed to in life.


k-lilly: I don't even know what that means, p.s., love you.


stef: I'm communicating with you in two formats right now. It's whack. I think this is one of your best comments ever. As novels go. Bwah. I can't talk. Um, I've never heard the word "douchecunt" before, but I sure am glad I have. Also, I agree, about her character, miss dick in the mouth, what a whore. ::sigh::


crystal: You don't do that not that I've noticed, also, You are mos def worth it. I want to put the "oh" back in something, but maybe I should just let that lie for a bit. Maybe that should be my disclaimer.

riese: HaaaayyY!


birdy: Hey! Thanks for actually responding to that question, I kinda felt like as I wrote that, that no one would, so yeah, thank you. hm. Thanks for commenting, in any event. Lozo says he agrees aboout the Yankees

Lozo said...

told you it was scary! now i comment three times in three hours and don't give a shit.

and "idk my bff rose" made me guffaw.

this comment chain has snoop dogg, hitler, feist and the yankees in it. it's like my blog.

now my word veri is einhur. why are they all german? "einhur? i just met her!"

Razia said...

You know you write well when you can put photos like that up besides #7 and still hold my attention.

I always liked to read when I was a kid but then I got distracted by meaningless things - then I came across your blog. I can safely say that you turned me back on to reading.

stef said...


this is killing me.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of LOLing...As a reader, I’ve come to appreciate the Riese and Co., particular vernacular (totes, obvs, et all) so much so that when I heard a recent radio spot for a nearby county fair, I had to chuckle because the spoken “lol” has now invaded Washington State.

The spot opens with an announcer enthusing “L-O-L!” and for the computer, text messaging illiterates populating the area, he clarifies it with an equally excited “laugh out loud!”

For the most excellent graphics that go along with it, look here.

riese said...

It's ok, stef, you may not've caught this, but Lozo made a grammatical error in his second comment. Look at the "you" and/or "of." One of those needs to go and/or change.

ALSO my commenter Kristin told me about this. There's this British show "sugar Rush", and this person on YouTUbe has uploaded all of them, look:

her user page.

first part of first episode.

riese said...

Anonymous: I would like to put the "OH" back in the Central Washington Straight -- wow--- I'm going to leave that there. Straight. I meant to say "State." Central Washington STATE Fair's LOL campaign.

Lozo said...

i was going for "your" there. you type and masturbate at the same time and see how good YOU are.

and my word veri is blitzkreig.

stef said...

blitzKRIEG. see also: blintzkrieg, my punk rock bar mitzvah band (see also: dreidel of filth, my orthodox black metal band). why don't the three of us have better things to do with our saturday night? i realize i'm setting myself up big time with that statement. take it away, lozo...

riese said...

razia: THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THE PHOTOS. I love all of 'em.Why did that comment not come to my email? I'm not on top of things tonight. Also, the idea of me turning you back on to reading makes me happier than any clam has ever been ever.


Also, sidenote, it's awesome that I have so many commenters at home on a Saturday night. Really, says heaps about how cool we all are. Except for those in different time zones. Really I'm just talking about myself. Surprise.



stef: JINX!! Totes.

Lozo said...

if only there was something we could do! hmmm....

and i know how blitzkrieg is spelled. i'm just telling you what my word veri was.

now it's luftwaffe.

The Spaz said...

I was going to go on about my punctuation/spelling/grammar spazzage, then I started reading these comments.

I'm home on a Saturday night too, I seem to have alienated everybody I know within the last two days. I'm a total a$$h@le sometimes for no reason at all.

I'm currently feuding with my girlfriend, two of my friends, one of my workers, my sister and two of my brothers.

Yeah, seven different people. If I would have paced myself I could have been set for a whole week.

Bridget said...

I know about three people in Australia with AOL accounts and they all have American girlfriends. Most people I know use Hotmail, which is gross. Gmail is just so damn pretty and cleaaan.

Also, commenting isn't so terrifying, really, even though I totally previewed this before posting.

caitlinmae said...

omg the drunk commenting spree continues. let me add a hooooooo-aaaah!

veri- phutruwh


what scooby doo says when he's really pissed-- fuck you! phut rewh!

(drunk and high caitlin comment? yes pleassse!)

riese said...


I used that term blitzerkig or whatevs in an earlier post in reference to the internet attack on me. it was the best word to use.

it's 3:30 am.

I often preview before posting.

Also, Spaz, I think you're doing better than me in that you at least have talked to seven people and have a girlfriend. Srsly watch the video on your blog again, it made me feel a little better.

Also I think Saturday is a bad night to go out, it's so crowded. I prefer urm . Wednesdays. Or something. Weekdays are the new weekends. For those of us with no purpose or meaning in their lives. Not me, but um, eh, ok, me.

Razia said...

It's weird, all I've wanted to do is disappear and this is the second time that I have slipped past the tools of the mighty Google empire. First it was Kate's reader and now this. Nice.

There is only one sad little variable now that the equation of my life includes lots of reading and that is my bank account.

Also, I've become hyper-aware of my use of apostrophes.

kate said...

riese:yep, i do know.
lets go with vigilante grammar. no to apostrophes and yes to improper use of brackets, dashes & ellipses…

razia: even though your last post showed up, i’m still being ultra-vigilant

Anonymous said...

hilarious. i'm with you on the phone bill conundrum, as well as the signing up with whatever service one's current significant other has.

cute haircut. you look sexy and low maintenance.

rocketdyke said...

funny, i was commenting on friday to my gf that i didnt realize people still use AOL for email, i mean thats like, ancient technology or something. didnt they go out of business already?

re: commenting, i feel like i only comment when i have a lot to say in response to your blog. if i only have one thing to say, then i dont write anything. also, i dont feel like im fabulous or retarded, or intimidating, or intimidated. and im hardly ever drunk. and unfortunately im never hanging around libraries in such fancy underwear as some of your friends, but mostly because all my underwear are from jockey, because they are most comfortable for working out.

i love reading books, but i think because i read so much for work, its hard to commit to a whole book these days. also, i feel like after all the great books i read in college, i cant find any books that compare. it makes me kind of sad. once in a while ill find a good one, but my favorite books are ulysses and the master and margarita, and really, after those, what is there? for a while i read ancient greek historians, like herotodus and whatnot. but then i started only reading the economist from cover to cover, and books about triathlon training, and this blog. i did start a book of the letters between eleanor roosevelt and her gf lorena hickock, which is pretty cool so far, but it will probably take me 8 months to read it.

but really, what i wanted to comment about is that im really disturbed that your phone bill could be so high. how can you owe $250 if youre not on some family plan with 5 kids? seriously. if you have unlimited texting and unlimited minutes much of the time, then wtf? first, i doubt very much that you need equipment protection, thats a ripoff. also, they must be charging you for things you just dont need. and the more they charge you for nonsense, the higher the taxes are too. if you know that the crazines of your bill is not just because of late fees, then i would totally volunteer to examine this bill as your lawyer and make some calls to these people to get them to take off the retarded charges. im really anal about reading all my bills and calling my credit card and phone company to fix things like 0.59 charges for nonsense. its not right. you dont have enough money to be spending it in on their million little cheating charges.

you know, i was telling my gf about the disappeared post the other day, because it had made me feel pretty sad, i started out by telling her, "you know, im so sad about what happened to my friend marie." and immediately realized that i dont know you, but my mind decided that youre my friend. i thought that was weird, but kind of nice.

rk said...

1) (very freely translated) "einhur" means "one whore". maybe lozo's word veri is linked to his karma (no offense).
2) after i saw sugar rush i wanted to take my erasmus-year in brighton
3) i tried to buy a gaitskill book, but they didn't have it in my bookstore and i'm too afraid of amazon. guess, i'll have to wait.
4) the picture in number 9 looks somehow familiar. who is the artist?

cait said...

the white space is crazy. i was thinking it might be from her signature? cause it comes after it and yeah, it doesn't happen with other AOL people i know

also, tell t-mobile you want to go on a payment plan, they will do it, and then you won't have to make such a big one time payment. i don't even know why i am telling you this, cause it would require you calling them again and that's not going to happen. oy.

riese said...

Bridget: Hotmail is SUPER GROSS. I had hotmail. They always erase your messages sent, which blows, because I like to re-read my messages sent after I sent them so I can promptly redact 50% of what I said. Also they deleted all my stuff when I didn't use their email service for like, a month or something. Stupid einwhores.


Razia: I wish I could slip past the tools of google's mighty empire. The best thing I've found is partial syndication, it gives me a lot more freedom. I just have to be sure I really want to commit to my first paragraph, and then I'm home free. I also just learned how to spell "disappear."

If it's any consolation, Merc's blog still refuses to come up on google reader, causing endless trouble to me.


kate: yes, absolutely, those are three of my favorite things. I use them more properly than I used to, which is something ... [which is something--yeah?] ...


anonymous: and i AM [kinda] sexy and low maintenance! It took me three tries to spell "maintenance," which is silly 'cause it's a word I use when copywriting like every day.


rocketdyke: Your comment on that one was really great/beautiful/helpful, p.s. You are my friend.

Those photos on this post actually aren't my friends, though most of my friends do wear pretty cute underwear, it's generally 100% cotton. I like Hanes men's underwear for working out. But those're pics stole from nerve photo contests. I used to go through them as an intern for various purposes and therefore am aware they signed all their rights away when submitting them and therefore I am known to snatch one every now and again.

I totes agree about Ulysses. [totes have never read Ulysses.]

In the interest of full disclosure, I believe this bill was a culmination of the last two bills or something. I usually don't pay it 'til it's due. This month I was sort of secretly hoping it'd get shut off, because I've been extra-weird. I think it's the taxes. There is this whole section of it that doesn't make sense to me, where I get partial charges for all these various "packs' of things, like wtf? Seriously if you want to look at it I will email it to you, I'm sure I could download it from t-mobile or something.

If you wanna see disturbing, you should see my Visa bill, the one that currently states my minimum payment is $1700.


rk: They didn't have it at your bookstore? Really? Why're you afraid of Amazon? It is so warm & fuzzy. I feel like they should at least have Veronica. Or Bad Behavior, sometimes they stock that with a new cover to advertise that they used it for the movie "secretary."

It is Terry Rodgers. I love his stuff. That one's called "Immaculate Reflection."


cait: A -HA! I knew it was just Haviland. I think we can fix this problem then. Tonight, tonight. Yeah, I'm not calling t-mobile. Rocketdyke is gonna take care of that for me. Clearly I cannot take care of myself (clearly!).

dewey said...

I was telling a friend the other day about how intimidating it is to leave comments on here. I was saying how long I’d been reading it before I started commenting, and the only reason it took me so long is because it's quite scary. You know when your in a group of people you don’t know but they all know each other and when you say something they all look at you, analyse every word you say and give you that look like, and who exactly are you? That’s what commenting on here is like, but then you press publish, get a lovely comment back from you and things become a lot less scary.

I find it really strange when people tell me they don't really read books, to me that’s like telling me they don’t eat food or drink or sleep! It makes no sense not to read. I have this strange thing where if I don’t read before I go to bed I find it really hard to sleep, I need a good book to help me nod off.

Also hotmail is great! I love hotmail! You can set it so it saves your sent messages, because when I first got it that use to bug me I was never sure if my email had actually sent.

Finally, I wasn't going to mention it, but it has been playing on my mind, the post may have disappeared but it’s still in my head and I still feel like I want to give you hug.

p.s I hope all my ‘s are in the right places, but know they're probably not, unlike yourself English was never my strong point.

Anonymous said...

Three things:

1 - Your phone company is shafting you. Seriously. Have you tried calling and asking how much notice you have to give to cancel your contract because you think you can get a better tariff somewhere else? They usually give you a better deal.

2 - Loving the Sugar Rush!

3 - I have Hotmail which I know is shit but I can't get my head round signing up for gmail (or can't be arsed getting my head round it). I feel like an old person who can't cope with DVD players but can handle VHS. Guess I've reached my technological peak.

Jo said...

I'm not entirely sure if this will do away with the evil AOL blank space, but it might be worth a try?

I have a gmail account and you can link your gmail account to a second account so that when you send an email from gmail it appears in the persons inbox as coming from your other account. You can also configure your accounts so any AOL email are automatically forwarded to gmail, so you don't have to check two accounts. I use it so my insanely small University provided email account doesn't exceed the space limit and bounce back potentially important emails every other week, because gmail gives you an insane amount of storage space.

basia said...

my old cell provider used to stick it to me so hard with all these mystery fees and sign me up for things i never agreed to. after my contract expired, they put me on a month-to-month thing and i like, tried to cancel it, but every time i called them they managed to talk me out of it. this went on for months - i'd call and ask to cancel the service, and then they'd start this evil manipulation-type thing where it would be 20 minutes later and i'd be like, "christ, ok, i'll keep the phone, please just let me hang up". in the end i had to lie and just tell them i wanted to cancel the phone coz i was moving out of the country, i figured they couldn't argue me out of that one. they asked for how long, in case i wanted to just SUSPEND the service, and i was like, "no, i'm moving to europe forever, just let me gooooooooo". it was all v. traumatizing.

riese said...

dewey: That phenomenon you describe in the first graf of your comment is sort of a summary of my entire life until about two years ago, when I became too drunk to notice the weird looks. I've defo commented on other blogs where I've checked back later to see I was totes ignored in that like "whatever that weirdo is saying, moving on," kind of way. But I suppose after seeing a certain comment blitzkrieg not so long ago *cough* I realised, well, as long as I'm not referring to any of my exes as first-worldian douchewhores, threatening to murder the blogger or condemning other commenters to various fates in the pits of hell, I'm probs not going to be the weirdest commenter ever.

I agree, it doesn't make sense to me not to read. I can't even begin to fathom what my ideas would be about like -- the world, and life, and everything -- if I didn't regularly engage in someone else's voice.

Thank you, for the cyber-hug.

I don't mind improper grammar as long as it's not on the wall in my living room, or on a sign in a store window, like "French Tip Nail's" or something. You know? Like I used to drive around a car with a side-view mirror attached in duct tape, but I'm not an auto mechanic. Like, I wouldn't put it in the window of my auto body shop. I want to use the word auto as often as possible in this comment.


Anonymous: I somehow get shafted habitually by everyone who wants my money, it's quite amazing. Like how I have the highest APR on the planet, even though 'til my life fell to pieces recently, I'd always paid on time and always made the minimum payment. I feel like my problem w/the phone is that I want all the extras and I can't seem to get rid of the basics -- like, I want internet, I want texts, I want pictures, etc., but I don't actually want minutes. I dunno. I can't seem to communicate with people when I try to call and get un-shafted.

You know what I do like about hotmail? That it's called HOTMAIL. Like, that's pretty hot. And honestly, I hate gmail too because it doesn't have folders. I just want everyone to have it so we can all use the same formatting.


Jo: Yes, yes, I have seen people do this. She's already re-routing from her own domain or something to AOL, but I'll ask her tonight. I think I've suggested this to her, but as I don't know how it actually works, I assume that my suggestions really never make it that far.


basia: I've definitely had relationships like that with various services that auto-charge me for things, where they just keep pressing and pressing like you're breaking up with them and they won't let you get out of the driveway. I even try to get really dramatic, hoping to ever weird them out or make them scared of me or think I'm a loon, but that never works. They're like "what can we do to make this better for you? how can we change your mind?" and I'm like "DUDE I AM JUST POOR."

Ms. Jackson said...

Hey there Riese. I'm a long time reader first time commenter.
I admit that I'm one of those non-reader types, and I'm not really sure why. So, after reading this post I felt inspired and headed over to Borders and picked up a book. I'm gonna get to it

rocketdyke said...

seriously, if i can help you get your phone situation squared away, i will. if you feel ok emailing me your bill send it to, and ill totally help you get anything off of there that you can. im not a weird stalker, and im totally not going to steal your identity, i already like the one i have. recently someone stole my cc # and my debit card # and tried to steal all my money, and it really sucked. that was in june, and im still trying to fix it. i think its so hard to take care of because citibank is actually just a front for one of those demon corporations like wolfram & hart on buffy the vampire slayer. actually, i guess that was on angel, but whatever. im sure t-mobile is full of demons too. thats probably why its so hard to get them to just give you the services you actually want, because really they are trying to trap you so they can suck your blood out and steal your soul. and take all your money. those bitches.

carlytron said...

I haven't been on the interweb in a few days and I don't even know where to begin because there are already 40 comments and it's really overwhelming.

1. I chopped off all my hair.
2. Really, Haviland, why do you have AOL?
3. People, she SERIOUSLY hates that poster w/ the unnecessary apostrophe. I am NOT kidding.

Lozo said...

your last-ditch effort to Save The Big Exit has fallen woefully short. what do you call sad danny devito? woefully short.

riese said...

Ms. Jackson: Dude you must be like, well into it by now. I hope it's good. I hope you got a good book. Thanks for commenting.
rocketdyke: dude,i will get in touch with you asap, and also, citibank may or may not be a part of a certain group which may or may not have been the location of a three-day blog post in which i photographed myself being bored and talking to this weirdo woman who kept talking about their boyfriend.
1. HOT.
2. We've discussed it. She knows how to use AOL, and feels comfortable with it. The other programs just make her feel overwhelmed like one might say ... in a state?
3. You are NOT.
Lozo: Your last-ditch effort to Be Cooler Than Me has fallen woefully short. All I wanted was for her to not be losing by AS MUCH. To not be the biggest loser. And, her margin increased by 20 votes, which is almost seven times more than she had originally, and therefore ,therefore, Lozo: I did succeed. Oh yes, I did succeed.

stef said...

riese saved my shit, lozo. i didn't want to win, i wanted to not be the total loser. the auto-loser. and i'm NOT anymore. so there. MYEH.


and riese, i am eternally grateful. i just hope this doesn't mean there's not like 25 people reading my blog right now, cos that would be terrible.

rocketdyke said...

and also, citibank may or may not be a part of a certain group which may or may not have been the location of a three-day blog post in which i photographed myself being bored

eeeenteresting. so you have first hand knowledge of the demons. and now i know for sure that my bank acct problem will never get fixed if i have to depend on those asshats.

Jaime said...

Quick servicey comment - I think "Tony's" gets an apostrophe sometimes because it's an abbreviation - The Antoinette Perry Awards - and because Tonys is equally awkward, and Tonies is just wrong.

It's like my dream comment, theatre and grammar police.

Okay, now I'm gonna read through these fifty million comments and see if there are other things I have to say. Because there is more to me than theatre and obnoxious snobbery. Maybe.

AK said...

The comments are the icing on the cake, here at autowin. Recently I had the opportunity to be the first commenter, but I was so struck dumb I moseyed on over to the punch bowl and pretended I wasn't here yet. I need context before I can perform. I am a walking anachronism in chameleon clothing. Even so I still stand out, but at least I know why.

About people not reading books. This used to disturb me too, but then I realized there was potential here for a job niche—reading books for other people. You know, the ones they buy and never read. Then you recap only the parts they really need to know. Also reading books gives you the inside dope before it becomes breaking news or is made into a Michael Moore documentary. It's raised my credibility because I was talking about whatevs like two years ago.

And here on the trailing edge of technology, AOL using dial-up is still the most reliable way to get e-mail downloaded to my computer for easy (and fast) reading. I just do something else while it downloads and then no waiting whatsoever for individual e-mails to open. I also have the obsolete cheap rate of $6.95. Way less than an internet connection which I still have to have now that I read blogs.

Your phone is killing you.

Atherton Bartelby said...

Oh my GOD. If you were not my heroine already, number six alone cinches it. That is one of my least favorite grammar abominations of ALL TIME. Seriously. Like for me it's right up there with the whole "that" vs. "which" thing. What's so hard? Is it so hard? Didn't we all learn these things in like the fifth grade? Ok end rant.

Atherton Bartelby said...

Oh! Also! (What is it with me and your blog and the comment spamming?! Sorry about that, btw.) I totally do that whole switching mobile carriers to suit your current lover / group of friends. I just end up getting irrationally angry with myself when, once I switch, I invariably go through a break-up and / or said friend stops calling me. And then, duh, I should have just stayed with Cingular. Or T-Mobile. Or Verizon. And yet, I never learn. You get the idea, I'm sure.

LMC said...

I've been reading your blog for a week or two now, and I was too intimidated to post a comment until today. But I was all, I should go for it before the "commenting on this blog is intimidating" window closed forever.

T-Mobile sounds like a collection of asshats. It's gotta be better than Sprint though.

I don't understand people who don't read, either. And sometimes I cry when I think of all the books I will never have the time to read in my lifetime.

Finally, your hair is super hot.

MoonKiller said...

I ask myself number 10 every month. I only use my phone for music anyway. And I keep having mahoosif bills and my dads like 'Well I'm not paying that, unless you clean my car for a week' and then he went and crashed it.

And I hate punctuation errors too. When people but the apostrophe in the wrong place in 'you're' is the worst. They're nearly as bad as musical errors.

Bridget said...

i'm comment #50 woot!


the sign on a store in my suburb :

Kid's Plus

we have made fun of it since the dawn of time (er since it was posted).

-- p.s. --
nice job at the reading - as a jerzy girl i was highly offended (aka deeply enthralled) by the panty-less display my state put on - no matter how accurate that happens to be...

rocketdyke said...

i realize you might be saving this mystery of the universe for numbers 5 though 1, but the creative use of unnecessary quotations marks for emphasis bothers me more than the errant apostrophe. why do "people" do "that"?

there is a store i pass in brooklyn that is called: 99 cents or "more" or "less". uh... ok. that narrows it down. and also makes it sound kind of illegal.

riese said...

stef: A wise woman once said; you win some, you auto-lose some. Also, probs around 19.


rocketdyke: Srsly, preparing to send you phone bill. They won't let me download it, because they are asshats. I'm realising that, upon receiving it, you will know more about the Behind the Music Life of Auto-Win than like, anyone. If I was actually cool instead of fake-cool, this would be valuable information.

Also, I don't even know what departments I was working in, but most of the calls I got were crazy people in Idaho wanting to know about stock options. Obviously I was told to like, re-route them somewhere else even less useful.

Also I feel like that quotation mark thing I've seen somewhere recently and it made me insane, I can't remember who I was with, if you're here and reading this and remember this, please share. It could've been anyone, at any time.


Jaime: It would be so so so so amazing if I was wrong about that. Although, if what you say is true, I still don't get it. I mean, I do, but let's say it doesn't necessarily make like, immediate sense, outside of the rules of grammar, like, omg, this sentence is becoming a grammatical nightmare. Also, there is apparently no more to you than theatre and obnoxious snobbery. And I salute you for that.


AK: That is the best metaphor of all time about the comments. I wonder if I did first-comment statistics, who'd take the cake? Probs a lot of lawlaws, stef, merc, lozo, carlytron, crystal ... hm. It's a toss-up. Haviland, as I used to make her comment on my blog immediately because she was the only one who read it.

Is this a job that you have, the reading thing? Because you have that job where you figure out other people's paper-flow, I wouldn't be surprised if you had this corner of the market also um ... cornered. I used to write papers for people on books they didn't bother to read, which's the closest I came to capatalising on my ability to do the reading for class, which's more related to my anxiety issues of being unprepared for things than it is anything else.

I think that's why my Mom uses AOL, except hers keeps breaking. Also, I don't want to say too much -- blow my pre-part-two load, so to speak-- but it's possible that Hav's problems were not, in fact, really AOL related. I mean, AOL was involved, but ... I'll stop now. Stay tuned.


Atherton: It is quite possible that I mis-use "that" and "which" all the time [someone is reading this right now and agreeing, silently, yes, yes, I know], and if you ever witness this and it knocks me off my heroine pedestal, please inform me immediately and I'll change it. Because that's one of my top 10 problems I'm currently attempting to fix. The that/which thing is right below "its" and "it's." I even listened to a Grammar Girl podcast about it. Have you ever heard those? I was addicted when I almost lost a Conde Nast gig over my improper Grasp of the Language, which fell through anyhow, obvs. I'm advancing swiftly on learning how to spell, so anything's possible.

I love comment spammers, obvs. I've even taken up the habit myself from time to time/often without discretion. OMG I just spelled that word right. I'm like, on a roll, I should write a book.

It's glad to know that I'm not alone in my relationship-oriented phone selections. I felt slightly better this time because of Haviland -- like, she'll still be here always, so I'll never feel like it's useless for me to be on T-Mobile. The best is when you start dating someone new and they already have your phone service, then it's like SCORE.


LMC: OMG, you're like, fresh. I think a 1-2 week read-to-comment turnaround is actually relatively swift and I salute you. I also salute you for: using the word "asshats," not understanding people that don't read, feeling as I do about all the books I don't have time to read, calling my hair super hot, and feeling, as I also do, that Sprint is worse than just about anything, anyhow. OMG, I just read your blog profile. You're on Team Sudden Tragedy, too! So's Lozo. Welcome to The Aftermath. Ugh. Hi!


MK: At least you don't have to clean it? Or had you already cleaned it, and then he crashed it? Because that would really blow. LOL re: musical errors. At least you're always here to correct me.

(that was clever, just then, what I just did)


Bridget: You WERE totes there! (I mentioned this on autostraddle) I was too drunk and amphetamined i think to notice anyone outside of my immediate purview, but wherever you were, I'm glad you liked it and it hit close to home. Also, if I lived there, I would go inside the store and give them a piece of my mind/not actually do that but complain about it endlessly.


LMC said...

Ah, yes, Team Sudden Tragedy is fun! Also, reading about your fibro, I wanted to let you know that I was totally diagnosed with fibromyalgia, too, but then it turned out to actually, uh, be my brain.

Asshats is one of the best words in the world. Not only is it a beautiful and powerful semi-swear word, but every time I say it I picture beautiful heart-shaped buttocks wearing pointy dunce caps.

I'm glad the two week thing is a good return. I feel like I'm winning at blogging life all of a sudden!

Lozo said...

i'm just wanted to get this in there now because i forgot it originally and it wouldn't make sense during your thursday bottom 2 or whatever.

on first mention of m[redacted] v[redacted], i thought you were saying my vagina.

deb jordan said...

I too go nuts over the apostrophe thing. But I am suprised when spell check keeps removing it from "it's" when I'm decribing possession. 'The cat licked it's paw' evidently is incorrect which I don't get...
So how much is your cell phone bill if I may ask?

riese said...

LMC: TOTES fun. It's a common diagnosis, but isn't it all related to the brain, right? Like my brain caused my fibro, I guess. I dunno, all technicalities. You're winning, totes.


Lozo: Of course you did.


deb: August cost me $115.43, July was $110.25. Is that normal? I do have internet on my phone and can get email and stuff. I can't seem to get to any of my bills online from the months I had the Sidekick before it was stolen, but it was I feel like $150 or something in June, but that's also 'cause the thieves downloaded like, three games that I had to pay for and never got to play, and made a lot of phone calls. I mean, not like I would've played games on my phone, but it felt a little unfair. If my old phone bills are in here somewhere, anyone who's seen my room can tell you they will be difficult to dig up. I need AK to flow my paper or whathaveyou.

Lozo said...

whatevs. it was totes poss. you can't say poop. maybe you can't say vag. idk. ttyl.

LMC said...

Ha, yeah, fibromyalgia is basically what they say when they don't know what the fuck is wrong with you except for the fact that you're in crippling pain. And I'm sure it is all in the brain, because the brain is the route of all that brings us both pleasure and pain. Or something.

Jaime said...

"there is apparently no more to you than theatre and obnoxious snobbery. And I salute you for that."

If I was gonna tattoo two sentences on myself, it might be those.

Cause I am supposed to take it as a complement, right?

Atherton Bartelby said...

Well, the mis-use of "that" and "which" on your part would never knock you off of your heroine pedestal; I spent four years in the literature department at SLC with professors trying to knock that into my head and it took a very kind, very patient, very sarcastic editor of mine at my first job post-grad at HarperCollins to actually make me GET IT.

OMG I love The Grammar Girl podcasts! *weeps silently for theft of iPod nano with all of them on it*

I was totally all about the SCORE thing with my last, well, *real* boyfriend (as opposed to the non-boyfriends I have now). It was the first time I had experienced that feeling of, "YAY! You have VERIZON! I love you EVEN MORE NOW!"

Rebecca said...

I buy/read nonfiction books regularly, but I can't remember the last fiction book I bought/read. I like analysis better than storytelling, I guess.

Love the pics! But I am practical so the one in the book shelves? I wanted to throw a little cardigan on her, because libraries are always chilly. I felt chilly looking at that pic. And wondering what kind of a fine there is for going shirtless in a library. I'd like to know before I head down there with my camera.

Loving the love for this post. And if you find such a phone plan, please post it here! I concur with your list of items that would make the phone plan perfect.