Despite being on time with tickets in-hand, we were at the back of the line filing in (oh, the Urban gays!), and the only seats left together were front-row seats. I've seen A LOT of movies from the front row since moving here. SATC, Short Bus, The DaVinci Code (not my idea obvs blame Haviland). It's intense up there. Every pore in high-definition.
MILK was, as expected, triumphant and inspiring, depsite the sad ending. It's remarkable, really, the legacy of hatred and fear that plagues the history of humankind absolutely everywhere. I wonder if we're becoming better people, worldwide, or if it's just the same cycle over and over, with bigotry and evil popping up in different contexts in different countries but still, population-wise ... oh, I dunno. I wish this had come out in August, maybe it could've helped us avoid the Same-Sex Setback.
Also! Big man crushes happening right now:
Emile Hirsch as Cleve Jones
James Franco as Scott Smith
iii. What is this blog about, anyway?
iv. Working On
I'm working on the Top Ten Weirdos of 2008 and a new Stuff I've Been Reading. Just you know, FYI. I've read a lot of stuff!
Sometimes these things happen and I tell myself it's probs better that way, 'cause I need to learn to part with written words. Moving from idea to idea with the baggage of thousands upon thousands of already-written and well-archived words is daunting/haunting. Every blank page is crowded by the feeling I've said this before, already, and the possibility of proof just amps up that suspicion.
Then Krista will point out I've used the phrase "shoulderblades like angel wings" in ten different short stories and I'll realize, yes, my capacity for metaphor is ridiculously finite, I should probs get into Plastics or Nursing.
Anyhow! Last week I learned you can ask Diaryland to recover your diary! So I did, and they did, and it's really interesting to memememe, 'cause though I've got my whole life in journals, I didn't journal much this particular year. When I did, it was mostly about my body and the pain, 'cause that was the year I was first diagnosed with fibro. I don't remember much from this year. It's in my brain like a long dull dorm hallway. It was a strange year. Maybe because it was the most benign year I've ever had.
January 20th, 2001.
I am ruled by fear. In order to deal with these fears, I will list them here:
Fear of never having a boyfriend, fear of the telephone, fear of gaining weight, fear of losing friends across the country, fear of losing my journal, fear of my room catching on fire, fear of complete loneliness, fear of people finding out i'm a bad person, fear of anyone dying (especially if we're on bad terms), fear of being called ugly, fear of Ryan cutting me out of his life, fear of finding out i'm a terrible writer, fear of disability/physical impairment, fear of permanent depression, fear of never seeing my father again, fear of most social situations like parties, really strange crippling fear that when i ask for a "non fat cappuchino" they will accidentally put in whole milk instead of skim, fear of avoiding phone calls/applications/job searches enough that i never do what i want to do, fear of not having money to do anything, fear of being called out for everything i am afraid of.