Monday, June 18, 2007

We Must We Must We Must Increase Our ...

I'm writing a Sunday Top Ten, I promise. Seriously: RIGHT NOW.

In the meantime: this book, The Bigger, The Better, The Tighter the Sweater: 21 Funny Women On Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards of Being Female, is now available for purchase. If you buy it through that link, I get about seven cents. So, if all of you buy it, I will be able to feed not only myself but my/TB's pet monkey, Squirrel/Rocinante. Squirrel's not a real monkey, he's a stuffed monkey. Still, we all get a little hungry sometimes. Hungry for life, love, and literature, as well as all other things, like Metrocards and games-for-the-thief's-new-cell-phone.

Seriously though, clearly you like to read, and it's like supporting meeeeee AND getting a free gift. It's been in the sidebar forevs, 'cause of viral marketing.

Here's a review from BUST magazine. I've highlighted, in yellow, the part where they say my essay specifically is one of the highlights of the book. If you can't read it, just trust me.

Also, my essay from this book'll be printed, condensed, in August's Marie Claire magazine, the women's magazine devoted to women named Marie. This won't be like last year, when the photo/misquote combo in September's MC inspired me to cry/wail violently and hurl the magazine at the wall like a psycho. 'Cause this time I'm not just IN the article, I sorta wrote it, and there's no photo! [Read: Essay needed to be cut in half for magazine, I said: Do whatever you want to it, I trust you. See that? I BELIEVE, forgive, etc.]

AND if you live in New York City, we're reading at the KGB Bar on July 24th. Put it on your calendars now, 'cause you're all clearly very busy, and if you've gotta work there's still time to quit your job. Also, I'm not actually listed as being a reader, 'cause clearly whomever's in charge hasn't checked her email in forever-ever, 'cause then she woulda gotten the publicist's email about how I was somehow left out of this listing and subsequently added me to that page linked above. I assure you I am indeed reading.

I just re-read my contract, and I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to do this ... hmmm ... okay, I'm posting, below, the first graf of my essay, "Feels Like Teen Spirit." I learned this technique from RKB, obvs, who entices readers to buy the book by printing excerpts on her blog. Probs most authors do this. But I'm weird, so I don't. Actually, based on the last few posts, you might think I'm a real writer with a booming career. I assure you this's not the case. I am still Marie from the Block, eating Ramen. Seriously, I just had some Ramen. I'm still hungry, oh, how we are HUNGRY!

Excerpt from "Feels Like Teen Spirit," by Marie Lyn Bernard. The essay's about hyperhidrosis:

I started sweating during the summer of 1994, between seventh and eighth grades. This development, which was clearly an Adult Thing, was entirely incongruous with the rest of my Ascent to Womanhood. I was sweating but I did not have my period or breasts or a boyfriend.

“Is this like when you said you needed a bra?” my mom asked when I added deodorant to our K-Mart shopping list.

“I wanted a bra just for under white shirts, Mom,” I reminded her. “So that no one can, you know—see through—when it rains —”

“When I was your age, I was already a B cup,” she told me. “It was terrible.”

One of my favorite things about being thirteen was comments such as that one. Other favorite things: boys who were three to four inches shorter than I was, passing notes, spreading rumors, braces with rubber bands, Kurt Cobain and his big fat flannel shirts, Lurlene McDaniel novels about girls who were dying of fatal illnesses, Christopher Pike novels about girls and boys being chased by dead people. And sweating.

Also, speaking of books I'm in, I'd like to share a quote with you from a piece of fan mail I received IN THE MAIL (Yeah, the postal kind! Sent to my agent! Crafty fellow!), re: my story in The Best American Erotica 2007:

"It wasn't simply a hot, sensuous tale--instead it seemed to contain an emptiness--a void that yearned for intimacy--that longing for acceptance and with it, love. If he loved her, why didn't he eat her before he entered her? Why didn't he [sic] her with his lips and tongue and accompany her into the realm of ecstatic bliss?"

Since he asked where he can find more of my work, obvs I'll be mailing him a Bigger the Better postcard. While (obvs) reading this letter out loud to Cameron, the line printed above required me to stop reading: "Doesn't he know talking about sex makes me squeamish? Ack! I can't read this, let alone answer that question! Can't handle!"


Crystal said...

I just did a google image search for 'Ramen'. Which made me feel stupid because I totally knew what it was - I ate it in Hong Kong, lots, for a year straight - I feel your pain.

I didn't have to google hyperhydrosis, unfortunately, I get it in my palms. It's not ideal.

Fan mail is rock stardom.

Anonymous said...

Oh yay! I'll look for your article in that Marie Claire.

Very funny post. Me likey.

TB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaime said...

July 24th - I will totally fucking be there! I feel like we'll have each not gone to the other's events enough by that point. And I will buy the August Marie Claire just for your essay. Because that's cheaper than buying a book, and I'm broke, too. Or maybe I'm just bitter that you're leaving me to fend for myself with the lesbian bloggers while you're on vacay. Or maybe I'm just broke. We'll never know!

riese said...

I do like fans. And I love fan mail. Even when it mentions oral sex...TB, I think your experience with Cruella or whathaveyou has led you to confuse "fans" with "psycho URL-stealing assholes." Because you love fans, weirdo.

Crystal: You have it tooo??!!! Most diagnosed ppl get it in their palms, actually. Obvs I've done research.

And thank you, anon.

TB: "Quote."

Yeah, totes glad it looked so little like me that maybe people didn't even recognize me? See link to old marie claire post, obvs.

Totes not me, yeah?

Jamie: Yayayayay! I'd be bitter at me, too. But I did email Curly McD about it ... maybe we'll rebook it?

I totally owe you an event or ten.

I saw a really bad play last night with Haviland. I'd post the title here, but I don't want to be googled. I'll just say it involved clothing sizes in the title.

Hopefully there'll be a hipster on the cover, like last year, but maybe not one that TB's slept with.

P.S. Thanks for being fans! Feel free to send postal mail to my agent!

Crystal! I got the JM books today, making Cameron read 1-3 right now. Maybe she'll get back into the blogosphere and talk about how awesome they are.

Crystal said...

TB/Riese: I was only kidding about the fan mail thing. The concept makes me nervous - my cohab sometimes attracts some psychotic fans/fan mail - she laughs it off, but most of it gives me serious anxiety. Maybe that's why my palms sweat. Eww.

Jaime said...

I know what play you're talking about. I was thinking of seeing it, cause I know someone who worked on it. But now I won't feel so bad about being too busy/lazy.

And Curly emailed me after you emailed her - about possibly rescheduling, and about my failed attempts to hint that although I'm psyched about the party, I'm not actually gay. All cleared up now. Hear that, world? I like boys! Send em my way!

Annie said...

WHOA. I can't believe your essay's about that! I've written a lot about mine, too, but only in word docs containing the word "journal" in the title.

I have it in the pits. BAD. I almost got the procedure where they clamp your sweat glands permanently. had an appt and everything, then freaked because my parents kept insisting the surgery was "clearly experimental." I was like hello, columbia university. they were like "do what you want." I was then like "i do not want to die." hence, black shirts every single day for the rest of my life.

you can also get botox in the pits, but F that.

will def get the book.

riese said...

This's become the I'M NOT A LESBIAN, BOYS! blog! It's awesome. I need some straight males to step up and get some dates. I don't care if you're not a lesbian, I want you to be in the blogger meetup group cause I didn't wanna go to that other, scarier even we were invited to. You know the one.

riese said...

annie:(!!!!) You have to read the essay, seriously. Because I mention everything you just mentioned ... omg! Read it now, seriously. Also, I know all about those possible solutions ... maybe even more than you may think ... omg? you have it! Yaysers! ...

Jaime said...

I do know the one! That's why I didn't go, but RSVP'd yes to this one in about three seconds.

stef said...

i can't make it to this event.. i'm ashamed to admit what i'm doing (ok i'm not; everybody i work with is going to see poison and if i don't go i'll probably get fired, yes really). anyway i'm sure i will go to another one day and maybe someday (if i'm drunk) i will say hi.

Mercury said...

I wish I could go. Where's our private jet, Marie? & my fake ID?

... dude, I totally just typed Marie. Weird.