Friday, June 22, 2007

Failed Attempt at Gay Pride Post

Guess what? It's Gay PRIDE Week! As you know, I dislike most events involving Pride and/or Outdoor Eating and/or Parades and/or Gay People and/or Strais, but I kinda heart Gay Pride. [Read: Get excited about it, endure the actuality of it for about ten minutes, then get crabby and wanna go home and write emails.] For those of you who don't know what gay people look like, the webmasters at Yahoo! have this helpful banner currently posted on their page:
As you can see, all gay people are very svelte, and homos love boas, leather, and tight jeans. We're old, young, blonde, black, white and Satanic. Also we've got trannies, like the cheerleader about to sing Today for you, tomorrow for me! from Rent. He'll be getting backup from the post-makeover Sandra Dee, pictured on the far right between the identical twin of the Token Black Man (Twin #1's on the far left) and the Leather Dykes.

tell me about your life. tell me all about it. don't be shy or afraid. tell me about your beautiful past. speak it to me. about your first feeling and impulses. about how strong and fine they were. how pure. and high-grade.

[Robert Auletta, Stops]

Okay. Actually. Let's be honest here.

I can't write this post. I keep going over my draft and I think I need to just give up.

I'm trying really hard, but I'm sad. I don't have any Gay Pride. Like: rah rah! Kill me.

and about how those around you responded. about the gestures. about the faces. what did the hands feel like? and about the hearts. could you feel their hearts beating beneath their chests?

For three days, I've been trying to write this thing about gender, referencing this week's [redacted]-I-mean-New York Magazine article about Gaydar and the "gay gene," probs too theory-heavy to be even remotely interesting, and I keep changing references to TB from past to present tense and back again and back and all I can think about is how much I miss my girlfriend and how sad I am and how I don't really want to celebrate anything.

And about the colors. What were the colors like? The colors of the rugs, the walls, the stairs, the sinks, the closets. Tell me all about the colors.

Like, if I'm going to have a parade, I'd like all the instruments to sound like this: waa waa waa. waaaaa.

I feel like I can only speak in cliche, like all my feelings are boring.

And the smells, the smell of the snow. The wonderful smell of the snow. And the sky. The look of it. Tell me. Did it frighten you? And the funny faces you made. Make some of those funny faces now. Don't be afraid. Yes, that's beautiful. Those funny faces you're making are beautiful.

I am was am comforted by her arm, extending in front of my body as I carelessly step into oncoming traffic. I was am was comforted by her arms holding me. I was am was comforted by our palms, face-to-face, comparing lengths, that first night in her car.

And the darkness. Tell me about the darkness. The depth and the intensity of it. Its feel. The grit of it. Of what you lost in it. The black of it. If you died in it. Or if you lived in it. Tell me about it. Speak it to me. Speak the hatred of it to me. Don't be afraid. Spit on me. Don't hold back. Spit it. That's why I am here. Spit.

I cannot be in my room because it reminds me of her. I cannot leave my room because I'm crying. My face's gotten so used to crying that I don't even need to move to do it. I can just sit here like Linus and his raincloud except my raincloud is my eyes. The thing is, too: Linus didn't even have a raincloud over his head. No Peanuts characters did. People just think that 'cause PigPen had a dust cloud, and I guess there's some Lil' Abner character with an actual raincloud, but that doesn't matter, really, the important part is maybe only my truth, and I'm not trying to make Peanuts profound or something, or make myself profound, but actually, Peanuts is way more profound than I am.

that's good. that's fine. all together. now we're one together. by the sea for a picnic. in the woods for a romp. our pretty dresses. our colored shirts. sipping cider. our heads thrown back. our hair flying. the trees, the sky, the sea, our eyes.

Also: I feel like there's a power drill in my uterus trying to unearth my bellybutton ring from the inside, I'm crabby, tired, nauseous, and overly Midoled. I'm sad and confused and I think I've got Toxic Shock Syndrome in my heart.

This picture was gonna be in my post:

Ardhanarisvara: cosmic androgyny
Third Eye Chakra

And this one:

Relic of my Boyhood
Last week, I showed her the most important drawing I ever did from my 1999 journal. She read to me from her 2001. We compared angst and genius/beauty. She always made me laugh. We made each other laugh a lot. The first time we talked on the phone, my face hurt afterwards from laughing so hard.

I honestly believed we'd be together forever, and I believed that more purely than I ever have before with anyone. I saw our whole future together, mapped out, and it was beautiful. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

I'll probs erase this post 'cause it's pretty raw, for me. But that's all I got, kids.

And so the heart breaks...

*I'm glad, I'm glad. As you are. As we all are. As we are together.
[again: this monologue's from Robert Auletta, Stops]*

...into small shadows almost so random they are meaningless like a diamond has at the center of it a diamond a rock...


Abby said...

Hey. I know it doesn't seem like it but things will get better. I have been in a similar place. Felt like she had put her hand in and ripped my heart out. If I managed to eat anything I would throw it up, the tears took over my body. No one could help me because the pain was all mine. I thought about her every minute of the day for months. I thought I would never fall in love again. But I did... and she loves me back in a way I never thought possible. Instead of walking a tightrope I am walking on solid ground. Feel better Riese, you have love from all over the world.

Jaime said...

You have love from a little room with a futon in my mom's house in the middle of the woods, which is where I am now. Seriously. The internet is a crazy thing, but you do.

haviland said...

See? There is SO MUCH LOVE for you, kiddo!
And we're going on the boat soon. And you're wonderful.
love love triple love

barbara said...

we love you riese, and always will. your post brought tears to my cloudy, drunken eyes.

i wish you all the best.


carlytron said...

i have nothing original to add, other than this quote. sadly, i do not recall the source:

"I cannot be certain what I would have said. I knew that there is something sad and faintly distasteful about love's ending, particularly love that has never been fully realized. I might have hinted at that, but I doubt it. In our deepest moments we say the most inadequate things."

kate said...

I know that words from random posts don't help when it hurts to breathe. I hope both of you are doing ok though...

Razia said...

Life sure is a bitch. You're going to get through this. You're going to come out of it gaining the one thing that no one can take from you and the one thing you cannot learn from any book that has ever been written - understanding your own self even further than you did before this happened.

AK said...

Right in the middle of Pride week? Man, that is rough. I've had some of my best worse times during Pride because all my friends were their to hold me together and there was tons of stuff to do. We've got an extra ticket for Itty Bitty Titty Committee which is the closing night film at the Castro Theatre. Would that you could teleport...I'll be waiting in line an hour and a half before showtime. Hang in there.

MoonKiller said...

Usually I'd begin to cyber sing 'True Love Will Find You In The End' by Don Johnson/Beck but I'm not too sure about it lately.

And you also have love from a cold bedroom in a Wales. (y). And my friend said she loves you too cause 'you seem really cool'. (y) (y).

riese said...

Thank you, all of you. Seriously. I'd do the individual response thing, but it would be like this:

Abby: Thank you.

Jaime: Thank you.

Haviland: Thank you. I love you!

Barbara: Thank you.

Carlytron: Thank you. Edna O'Brian, Sister Imelda.

kate: Thank you. and they do.

razia: thank you.

ak: thank you.

moonkiller: thank you.

Anonymous said...

As a dedicated reader of your blog, I just wanted to say I really hope you feel better soon. I know that's a very unoriginal message, but the sentiment is entirely true, and I hoped that it might make you feel a tiny bit better to know there's an anonymous twenty-something girl in England wishing for your renewed wellbeing. As Abby said, you really do have love from all over the world.

P.S. You're so gifted, and although it hurts now, I'm sure you'll channel that pain into something fantastic.

Mercury said...

I'm sorry. I love you, like everyone else. Raw is good sometimes. Pride sucks, because I spend all of it working amongst all these people who have no clue and will never know, I don't get to be proud because I'm too busy being closeted. I could tell you about my breakups but I won't. I could tell you I've felt that way before too, that whole future-planned-together-thing, that whole actually really believing that it would actually really happen when usually you don't, when some part of you is always reserved, always "yeah, we'll see" ... but I won't... because you don't need to hear about me, you probably just need a good hug/some good liquor/a shoulder to cry on/to rant, and let loose, and mourn, and grieve. If I had a teleportation machine or private jet I would be all of those things, except for the liquor, you'd have to buy that, seeing as how I'm underage, but it'd be my treat.

as it is, if you want to talk about it, you can always. pass me a note, or whatevs.

I know it hurts and it feels like it'll never end... an ocean of pain, etc. I would sop some up for you, get you a breath of air, if I knew how. You'll be okay, though, eventually.

wzlglw = weasel glow

k-lily said...

Do you need a vacay? Whenever I'm sad, I leave the state of Nevada (even if I just go to Verdi, California which is like ten minutes away). There's something about physically leaving my environment that helps me feel different. Anyway, if you'd like, we can go on a strange adventure on the west coast. I'll take care of you. And it's free. :) Call me whenever you'd like. You have a friend over here.

Anonymous said...

This post feels like when me and JT broke up. Nevertheless, love is eternal, even when its gone and you are with someone else who is way better (but god I miss him).

Hey, every week you convince me more and more that you are an amazing writer. i heart your blog.

stef said...

oh wow. i remember this feeling. you described it perfectly - it's the worst thing in the world... i'm so sorry.

El N said...

A big midwestern hug your way, Win. Hang in there..

Anonymous said...

you are too beautiful and smart to spend one minute sad. onwards and upwards.

Book Cannibal said...

Oh, Marie, I'm so sorry. I remember this feeling all too well, summer of '05, and you were there for me with some Aderol and Stephen Dunne, which oddly made everything better for at least 2 hours. I hope I can give you a similar two hour break from your sadness tomorrow...

Anonymous said...