Sunday, June 03, 2007

Sunday Top 10: Those of Us Who Think We Know

[P.S. I've started posting again on Auto-Straddle, for those of you with interest in such things.]

Next Monday, June 11th, at 7 P.M., I'll be appearing on a panel at the Museum of Sex for Audacia Ray's new book Naked on the Internet: Hookups, Downloads and Cashing in on Internet Sexploration. That's right: me, on a panel, having sex. Just kidding. That's private, weirdos [sex]. I'll just be talking about my former life, in which I found internet dating to be a very bizarre/enchanting little adventure.

I met lots of cool people, like Justin "Bush is a Friend to Israel" The Banker, who delighted in purchasing cocktails for the eccentric writer/waitress/model personality he projected onto my body. He tilted his tanned head condescendingly, laughed indulgently, like: Look at the cute monkey doing tricks!! She says such strange things!

Or Joey "Not Actually Jewish Even Though He's on JDate," who took me to a baseball field to smoke pot, then to his Mom's Bay Ridge beauty salon, after-hours, to have serious conversations in chairs topped with hair-dryers. He had feelings. I had feelings too, but not for him, which led to a series of psychotic voicemails. "I really opened up to you! I feel USED!" I felt used too, because he said he was 5'10 and he was NOT. Like, 5'8 at the most.

Anyhow, I have a girlfriend now, but for the purposes of this panel, I'll be recalling the great repository of information I've still got in the old noggin.

Internet dating's not the only thing I know a lot about even though the information's no longer relevant to my life. There's a lot of things I could ramble on about based on prior immersion, despite present ignorance. Here's some of them.

[I'm doing this Top Ten in two segments. Because I have this tendency to write ten gazillion words about everything. Who's got time for that? Not me, not you. Why not just do it in segments? Yeah? Good idea, Auto-Win. Thanks. I mean, look how long this intro is! You must be going BLIND from staring at the computer!]


10. Emo Pop-Punk Music.
It's all about driving in his purple KIA ["It's BLUE!" -him] on highways by strip malls, singing along: This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me. We attend dozens of concerts, he crowd-surfs. He's got bleached tips & pierced tongue, shops at "PacSun." CDs are your basic nightmare: Blink 182, Alkaline Trio, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Newfound Glory, Starting Line, Something Corporate, etc. I still think Unwritten Law's okay. I interview Sugarcult and Yellowcard for The Michigan Daily, which makes him feel close to stars: he likes me even more, he finally reads my writing.

It's easy-breezy-sinister-beautiful. The sinister part's a secret though, even from me. The music is so earnest! So fresh! If it was a color, it'd be bright purple that secretly made you stupid just to look at it. [Like my blog! JK!]

We're at an all day outdoor concert in Vegas when several 16-year-old girls flash pierced nipples at once ...

I tell him: "We're too old for this."

He replies: "Are we? Fuck. What do I do now?"

I realize I'm suffocating with him, one day in my bedroom. I flee. I leave him and all his music behind me.

A month or so later, he'll comment: "I notice you never listen to our music anymore."

"Our." It hurts me more than it hurts him, to hear him say it like that.

9. College Basketball, circa Fab Five Era.

The Fab Five--the starters for University of Michigan's '92-'93 basketball team--almost won the NCAA championship twice. My interest started fading following Chris Webber's early departure for the NBA, then it declined steadily 'til dropping off completely 'round the time I started going to school there. Okay, I figure if you're still reading this paragraph, you know who I'm talking about, so we can cut down to the marrow, if you will.

Now, they've been stripped of everything due to recently-discovered player-payment scandal. Bullshit: obvs these players were getting competing offers! Michigan's not the only school to offer special treatment to it's college basketballers.

Hello, just rent Blue Chips, starring Shaquille 'Rappin' Genie with an Attitude' O'Neal!

My father and brother and I read the book, saw the documentary, watched every game. My Dad was a mentor for the basketball team, so we got good seats, which we'd be on the edges of, usually. It was a pretty glorious era, in general. So when they took those titles back, they also totes stole my CHILDHOOD! Fo' reals, punks.

Also, when C-Webb called that time out, I cried. Seriously. Tears. Bawling.

8. How to Give Blow Jobs

The thing is, I put a lot of time into mastering this skill, and now it's totally useless.

Just kidding. I mourned that loss for about negative ten seconds. Totally hurt my jaw. I was like: Oh well.

Also, I'm never giving a blow job to a dildo [like the lesbos do in porn movies]. Because that'd be retarded.

Hi, Mom!

The thing is, by talking dirty like this, I'm preparing for my panel, obvs! I don't want to get nervous when the other ladies say stuff about sex, because they are like, super-educated Sexuality degree-holders or hot sex-blog ladies, e.g., Alt Porn Star Lux Nightmare, Writer Madeline Glass, and Ellen Fredrichs of teenwire.

I'm just me. I'm gonna be like: What's up, my banner'll make your head explode! Once I went on an internet date with a girl who showed me photos of guy's wieners she had stored on her cell-phone, and I was like, dude, if I wanted to look at that tonight, I wouldn't be on a date with a girl right now, obvs. Bada-bing. Leggo of my eggo, bitches.

7. Photography.

Took an NYU summer class and loved the cool, red-and-black-warm darkroom, the recluse from the feverish city heat. My project's titled: "I'm Not Just a Waitress." I photograph my Olive Garden co-workers in uniform, pair photos with captions explaining what they "really" do: actors, singers, dancers, students, fathers, mothers. Ranjit: the food runner with a degree in some complicated science I'd never understand, useless in the U.S.A 'cause his University's in Bangladesh.

Michigan, Advanced Photo: Did an independent project with a new all-girls middle school. Pondered self-esteem, faltering sense of self in pre-adolescents, wrote research paper, took photos, did long interviews with the girls, surveys, read Schoolgirls. We have a gallery show and are told to pick up our projects from the classroom the following week. I go there: mine's gone. Totally 100% disappeared.

Felt symbolic, like: you can't really "capture" anything, even with a camera, which's allegedly their point. You've just got memory, I guess. Which is a very tricky thing.

So yeah, I quit photography. Over it.

6. The Brady Bunch

The thing is, TV in and of itself's never been that exciting for me. As a singular entity, it's silly, I'd rather read a book. It functions only in it's unique method of telling a story: in that there's untold backstory and process, and the possibility to watch it with other people. I liked this show 'cause I liked the backstory [via Growing up Brady, the classic literary work by Bary Williams, a.k.a. "Greg," and various Brady trivia books]. I'd read about the eps before watching them: I was interested in context, in how a show comes together as a story, as a marketable good/service in a capitalistic Western society, as a collection of humans with distinct personalities gathering to complete a project as a team, as a particular significance re: history and social import.

This's just to say that I wouldn't watch The L Word or America's Next Top Model in a cave. I like the commentary better than the thing itself, often.

That being said: Why the F did I become obsessed with The Brady Bunch? I'm comforted to know that Haviland Stillwell totally loves The Brady Bunch too and read Growing up Brady. And I want that line to come up when you google her, that'd be awesome.

P.S. If you don't come to my panel, then I will never forgive you. Unless you live far away, or I owe you three or more emails/phone calls, which's like ... everyone.

P.P.S. Okay: if you don't come to my panel, then I might forgive you, unless you live far away. If you live in NYC and don't come, I might forgive you, but the odds are not in your favor, kiddo.

P.P.P.S. Also JK, I'm totes talking about other stuff, not just internet dating.


Crystal said...

An Emo Pop-Punk Music panel would be wicked – if you ever do speak on such panel, I’d fly across the world to see it.

I’d even volunteer to be your translator - turning your every sentence into an IM-riffic acronym that only the REAL Emo kids could understand.
You know, not the Hot Topic wearin' Emo kids - but the more passionate “I still luv Good Charlotte even tho Joel f****d Hilary” Emo kids.

Mercury said...

I like some emo music, and am not embarrassed to admit that, even though the music is grantedly lame. When I was a freshman, all my friends were seriously obsessed with Good Charlotte. It made it really easy to get them stuff for birthdays & etc tho - Another good charlotte poster! yay! - and then they became obsessed with Pirates of the Caribbean, which I understood a little bit better, though not much.

I become totally obsessed with stuff. just not bands or movies, generally speaking.

If this was my top 10, I would have one main item. Video games, I know the universal gamer l33t sp34k and the specifics for some games in particular.

I never really "got" blow jobs, as in, how or why it would be that you would WANT to or ENJOY giving one, although I was told by various boys who talked me into them that I was 'good' at them? But like, what talent is there to be had in the realm of putting something in your mouth & sucking on it? That's probly TMI, but whatever, too late now.

my word ver is ldyap, which is a typo for lady p, which is remidning me that I'm a lady, and to be polite.

Razia said...

Servicing inanimate objects in lesbian porn strikes me as so odd, just in there for the straight male who actually believes that lesbians would think "oh how I long to perform fellatio right here, right now". I dunno if thats more dumb or the fact that I am shocked that girl on girl porn caters to the straight male. I also apologise if I've offended any lesbians/bisexuals who enjoy servicing inanimate objects, more power to you.

MoonKiller said...

I could so speak on an Emo Pop-Punk Music panel. All I do allday is talk about Death Cab For Cutie and my hate for Hawthorne Heights. = ]. Along with sex obvs.

carlytron said...

i, too, have read fab five, several times while in high school. i was really into basketball for like, 6-7 years. and i love the brady bunch too. i really love the campy, modernized movies they made in the late 90s, especially the sequel. it's easily one of my favorite movies of all time. jan pretending to have a boyfriend? priceless.

Lozo said...

this post evokes so many thoughts. in no particular order:

i cried, too, when webber called that time out. tears of laughter! god i hated the Fab Five.

so now you're telling me pre-lesbian relationship, you were going around giving awesome blowjobs, too? i am always late to the party. but i agree on the bj-to-the-dildo thing. it's dumb.

finally, i'd go to this panel, but i think that'd up my stalker level to a point i couldn't live with. i'm only comfortable googling your name and zabasearching you at this point.

abbie said...

Ahhhh! I can't believe you brought up webber's time out. One of the saddest moments in my life, at least top 20. I'm still in my photograhy phase.

riese said...

crystal: You'd fly across the world to BE IN IT, obvs! That'd be amazing, if I talked and there was a telescreen (sorry, reading 1984 right now) that had all the words transferred into Emo-Hot-Topic speak. Did you know that Hot Topic is sponsoring Warped Tour this year? I discovered that in my dig to unearth the exact line-up of the year we went to it--information I ended up not using, but interesting nonetheless.

mercury-It absolutely has it's appeal, like how I heart Britney Spears. I think it's the subculture that's spawned that makes it easy to dislike openly. Though I do like Unwritten Law, still, and think they're a good band. Yellowcard was good before they got famous. Not like they sold out or something, I just think they used to make better music and've run out of ideas, cuz they're not necessarily that bright or inventive, just sort of cute and clever, which has it's limits, but still, their early stuff was nice to listen to. I like the violinist-in-emo-punk-band idea.

I also become totally obsessed with stuff.

And your re: word verification made me LOL. I think that all girls [myself included, once] claimed to like it... thus making the case for all future girls. Hm. I think it's that when you love someone, you want them to be happy, mostly. but just someone you're only dating that you don't love, errghm. Whatevs.

Razia: Amen. As a bisexual, totes not offended.

Moonkiller: I feel like death cab is in the indie-rock-emo category, not the pop-punk-emo category, which I think has more credo. Or maybe it doesn't. On this, perhaps, I should defer to like... Seth Cohen.

Carlytron: Another thing that would've happened if we'd had myspace in high school (per our convos on this topic) is that we would have been best cyber-friends, obvs. I can't believe you read The Fab Five, that is awesome. I remember my Dad reading it to us on an airplane, about Juwan Howard promising his grandmother he'd finish college, and how she died the day he chose to go to Michigan or something? I probs cried. Maybe it was the movie that inspired my interest in the series, which, as Haviland recalls, was on TBS at 4:35, 5:05 and 5:35 or something like that, before or sandwiched by Saved by the Bell. Since this was before Tv-on-DVD, we had to like, watch it when it was like, ON.

Lozo: Yes, but googling me doesn't affect my career or the appearance of my popularity, it only services your boredom. Or something. I don't even know what zabasearching is. Gonna go find out right now. WHOAH! First of all, "zabasearch" is playing some weird scratchy recording of a pop/r&b song I've never heard before. Secondly, there are ten million Marie Lyn Bernards...oh wait, I have heard this song before. This is weird. The sound quality is weird. OMG two of the Marie L Bernards are ME! But like, old mes, like Naples Court in Michigan ('95-'97), and Amsterdam Ave. in NYC ('00). There are a lot of Maries in Texas. Why is that, I wonder.

abbie: Glad you shared my moment. I think your phase is what we phasers call a "career."

Crystal said...

That's true, I'd want in on that panel. Someone should start one. Maybe I will, and I'll ask Joel Madden to be the keynote speaker. I once saw Joel do an entire interview in acronyms. He had to think really hard about it, and then translate. It was a slow and painful experience.

Vans don't do Warped anymore? They gave me some free shoes once, they stole my heart that day.

MoonKiller said...

True but my homeboys insist on calling them pop punk. And I'd still talk about them anyway 'cause they're number one on my myspace 'cause I'm like cool as fuck, ineh. ha.

The Spaz said...

I think a good part of the reason people look down their noses at emo music/culture/fashion is that they do not want to be reminded of that awful teenage phase where all they did was dress in black and listen to Morrissey.

Burn down the disco, hang the blessed DJ, because the music that they constantly play, it says nothing to me about my life...

riese said...

I still listen to Morrisey.

riese said...

Addition to last comment: I also wore all black today even though it's summer. I think my soul is 15, even if my body is like, 100. I think my heart and lungs are 85. Soul=15, emotions=30. Emotions=14.

stef said...

funny, hot topic used to sponsor ozzfest - i know because i was briefly METAL AS FUCK. i wish everybody was emo when i was in high school, because even though i'm kinda glad i went through my metal phase (i learned a lot about liquor, piercings and pantera, and i have good stories about hanging with the osbourne kids before they were on tv), all the 'rebel' boys in high school have much better hair now and the tight shirts and skinny jeans are so much hotter than the jncos and spiked collars of my high school years. ozzfest was all about hot topic and jagermeister, and warped tour was all about vans and like, target. because punk's totally not dead, it just has a corporate sponsor? i totally still go to hot topic when i'm in jersey to buy cheap striped socks and it's all emo'd out. i outgrew hot topic. this is how i know i'm an adult now. haaa.

i went to ONE warped tour when i was in high school, saw benji madden hitting on some asian girl, and was very sad because my teenage metal self thought he was the hotter twin and i thought he might be waiting for my love. now he's fat and weird lookin. yeahh that's what you GET.

i would go to this panel but i'm pretty sure that would be ULTIMATE CREEPY, right? it does sound interesting. maybe if i can find someone to go with me, on a premise other than 'hey i read this girl's blog, she's funny, maybe she says totes out loud.' maybe to see what somebody named 'lux nightmare' really looks like. i don't know, it still seems like a totally weird thing to do. i also am technically supposed to be working til 8 but that's flexible. mostly it just sounds awkward.

my roommates are watching some resident evil movie and catherine rothberg (olive oyl, l word) is on it. weird. your update of auto straddle reminded me that i miss that show. i only started watching it during this season (long story), inhaled all the back seasons in about a month and then the season ended and my life is very empty without (questionably) stylish lesbians reminding me of yoplait commercials.

The Spaz said...

Riese the scary part is that I didn't realize until I got changed to go out for dinner that I wore all black and listened to Morrissey today! Two for two baby!

I need only let some awkward boy feel me up and fail math and it'll be grade ten all over again!

Also, I seem to have a problem abusing exclamation points!!!

riese said...

stef: I think the whole "blogosphere" is based on the premise of people thinking "I like her blog, I'm gonna go to her thing," thing. Or maybe that's what I keep telling myself. Hm. Bring everyone you know. It'll be really funny. Everyone can hang out with TB and her boss.

This is what Lux Nightmare looks like.

I agree that the punk emo style is way cuter on boys than metal. Especially at outdoor concerts, because the boys in the most black and goth-gear always looked like, sweltering hot, and therefore not huggable at all.

and spaz, i Love the term "felt up." It's like, vintage perfect.

stef said...

hm maybe i will try to ultimate-creep it up then. expect me to raise my hand and ask unrelated questions (OR ARE THEY?) about the o club/costco. that's what panels are for, right? my verification word is 'yyvilin' which is obviously someone asking "WHY?!? WHY, VILLAIN?!"

Lozo said...

i just had a great idea for your sex panel discussion dealie. keep in the blog structure and do a top 10 list called Riese's Pieces.

except instead of chocolate-covered peanut butter deliciousness, you do the top 10 internet dudes/gals/dates/sex/whatever you've had. you know. your Pieces of ass.

of course if it's less than 10, forget it. i wasn't presuming your were some sort of internet sexaholic or anything. really, i just wanted to make a Riese's Pieces joke, and i have done that.

Pike-a-dilly said...

I think i have a slightly reasonable answer to the "lesbians" is porno suck jobbing strap-ons and dildos. Most of the porn industry is geared toward mens fantasies and probably when they see two chicks in a movie humping on each other with rubber cranks stopping to suck on them it gives them the fleeting thought: "hey thats my dick, and im fucking these rubber titted whores on a towel in the producers backyard."

Also, being a machine of male fantasy generating a lot of money, these bitches will do whatever for that money.

also, also, most women in the movies are straight and maybe arent really turned on by whomever theyre banging and have to suck on the damn things to get them in easier until the normal machinations of such stimulation alows for the production of whatever the shit is called that is thier natural lubrication.

also, also, also, i bet a fake dick tastes better.

when i was younger i used to watch the brady show constantly. the one episode that always sood out was when they had the recording contract to sing and peter's voice changed and cracked.

as for emo, i dont know anything much about it, im slightly too old to give a shit about whiny millionaires and their feelings much less their fashion. but i love this joke:

i wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.

Ingrid said...

Look, I understand the depth of your emotion for the University of Michigan basketball team, I really do. Something that most people don't know about me is that I was obsessed with the University of Wisconsin men's basketball team 1993-1995, and when I finally had the chance to pull my balls out of my back pocket and talk to Michael Finley when I saw him at the Shoe Box (I was out buying volleyball shoes with my mom) I completely went and hid in the minivan. And then the whole UW team ended up getting in trouble for accepting discounts on sportswear there.

riese said...

stef yay!

I actually thought about doing this week's top 10 like that, lozo, but then I was like, eh, there's plenty of other ppl talking about internet dating. JK, the real reason is cuz a lot of ppl I met are still my friends and I don't want to talk about them, and how many times can I tell the same "he said he was 5'10" story over and over. because you know what? Guys always seemed to say they were 5'10 and they were never really 5'10. It's like that's the arbitrary height for liars. I guess girls probably always say they weigh 120 or something. I don't know how much girls weigh, because I'm 5'10, which is how tall boys are. All of them. I don't have a point. I'm getting delirious and saying retarded things and it's only 12:20 AM, which's a bad sign about my mental state.

Good though, about the Riese's Pieces. I'm gonna tell you that you're the first person to think of that, because I'm a very kind girl, and you're my friend.

glen: I've typed "I wish my dildo was so emo it would suck itself," twice, and then erased it, not sure if that statement had a point, or if it just sounded really clever to me after I read your comment.

But yeah, I always figured it's cause guys will think it's hot that dicks are so irresistible that even fake ones are hard not to just go to town on. Suck suck.

Good point about the taste. Hm.

riese said...

Ing: I like, stalked all the Fab Five, and I think met all of them face to face except C-Webb, who I still got an autograph from. But then was trampled by a bunch of fans. We all had jerseys and got our jerseys autographed and then refused to wash them, which my Mom thought was gross. Wherever that C-Webb autograph is, I'm gonna sell it on the bay. JK. I know where it is. Obvs I laminated it, cuz I used to laminate everything, but I laminated it poorly, and now it just looks ghetto, which's embarrassing.

Haviland said...

and remember the part about barry williams signing, "haviland - you're groovier than marcia" ??

and then lainey being friends with marcia?