Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Tuesday Top Ten: Not the Sunday Top Ten

Potential Reactions to Losing One's Sunday Top Ten
"We were sickened by the old lemon."

Sometimes, life gives you lemons, and sometimes those lemons are disguised as user-friendly web applications like "Zoho Writer." [You can find this app, and then reject it, at]. I can't make lemonade 'cause I'm allergic to citric acid, but, as Jack Spicer wrote: The lemon tree/Could branch off into real magic. Each flower in place. We/Were sickened by the old lemon. Get it? Out with the old lemon, in with the magic, baby.

Magic=getting comments from readers who've never commented before. It makes me feel warm inside, like sticky date pudding, which I ate every day the last time I was in Australia [holla, 3.1% of Auto-Win readers!]. Your comments totally compensated for my pain. Thank you. All of you. The giddiness I experienced upon receiving each new comment is far higher than you'd expect from someone as Cool as me. You can still comment, too. I mean, whatevs. Even you, Haviland.

But first.....a CRAZY LONG TANGENT.



As I buckle down to bust out this masterpiece, I realize that the ratio of Sunshine to Near-Mental-Breakdown on this blog has been skewed lately ... I'm like Billy Corgan, like I'll tear my heart out before I get out, and I don't wanna be just another whiny New York Hipster. I wanna be the BEST WHINER EVER. No, actually though: why is this? Obvs I love self-deprecation more than any other reflexive activities, but I think it's the combination of these two circumstances:

1. A number of stressful events, e.g., moving, being unemployed. And some other things. Buy The Book, all will be revealed.

2. Overcompensation for That Love Thing. To explain this in the most roundabout way possible, many Gawker-Sycophants may be familiar with This is What We Do Now, a seminal voice of the NYC-blogger movement [which means he's already made all the jokes you want to make about the subway, and he did it in like, '04] and a consistent source for Out-Loud Laughter. TIWWDN's post-frequency began declining last autumn, however, and it's author explained it like this:

"No, I'm not dead. Yes, I've been shitty about posting consistently. I know I've been making excuse after excuse, but the fact of the matter is, I simply haven't had the time. Blogging is great when you have (a) time, (b) a lot of time, and (c) a fairly jaded and self-centered world view, which enables relatively minor events to explode into 1,000-word diatribes about how much everyone else besides you sucks. I hate using cliches like "I've changed" or "I've grown up," but the fact of the matter is, I have grown up a lot over the last few months. I haven't lost my sense of humor, but much of my 20-something bitterness has certainly receded to the point where I simply haven't found myself all that irritated about a lot of the minutiae I tended to write about. Even the subway's been (mostly) keeping up its end of the bargain.......TIWDDN may be undergoing some changes, but what can I say? It's pretty fucking hard being jaded and bitter when after 25 years you finally fall absolutely head over heels in love with the most beautiful girl in the entire world."

I remember reading that and thinking: "Wow, what happens if, after 25 years, I fall head over heels in love with the most beautiful girl in the world? Will I still be jaded and bitter and witty? I mean, most of the bloggers I read are single and when I'm single, I don't wanna hear about other's happy-love nests. I'd get jealous/wistful listening to K.C and Elka laugh together on The Planet Cast, you know? Hmmm...I think Carrie Bradshaw once grappled with similar issues...."

And so, perhaps in an edge-keeping effort, I've over-compensated my love-drops by becoming Uber-Bitter/Jaded: musing over apartments I'll never live in, employment I don't deserve, places I've considered escaping to and Sunday Top Tens lost to technology or privacy.

Why? 'Cause it's not cool to be in love anymore, is it? We've gotta rationalize dedication, carefully balance love/life to make it appear effortless, ensure no-one suspects we've "changed"... all results of an actual relationship must be hidden/downplayed ... and I've been on both sides of this coin ... but the truth is: we fall. We love, change, move, evolve, attach, love, love, love.

[Side note: I'm 100% guilty of hypocrisy right now, as my single-behavior towards coupled-friends was consistently less-than-stellar/"decent."]

Okay, I'm gonna stop before I gross people out, myself included. After the OurChart blog, TB and I mutually decided to stop writing happy-love-crap, lest we gross ourselves out. Then she deleted her entire blog, re-started it, and deleted it again. That's un-related to us being in love, but that's a good segue to the Top-Ten topic, as it was one of my instincts when this recent post disappeared. I was like "I'm gonna fake-delete my blog," but that wouldn't really be punishing the people at fault, would it? If I knew for a fact that Ahmad from read my blog, I might've really done it.

So, anyhow, before I start the trek down the Trail of Tears, I'd like to acknowledge that I have: a lovely new apartment, fantastic friends, a girlfriend I'm in love with, X-ray vision, all of my limbs, and about thirty-six dollars. UPDATE: Totes just found a crisp $20 in my jeans pocket! Make that FIFTY-six dollars.

TANGENT OVER. Back to how bitter and pissed I am.

"Even though a speech be composed of a thousand words, but words without sense, one word of sense is better, which if a man hears he becomes quiet."
(The Dhammapada)


"Waaaaa x 1,0000."
(me, again)


10. Crying:
This can be done sitting up at the desk [feeling faint, shaky, and disbelieving while frantically scrolling through entire Internet history in the hopes that life isn't really like this, right? RIGHT?!!!] or prone on the bed. I'd recommend listening to Reibert de Leeuw's recording of Satie's Gnossiennes & Gymnopedies as you cry. It amps up the drama and transforms your pain from "indulgent and absurd" to "profound and important." Or, as blox-tox did when her 35-page paper vanished from her USB drive, you could "stare at [your] monitor and let the tears stream down [your] face." After, of course, she resisted the urge to "abuse" her PC. Just like I'm resisting the urge to rip on PCs. That's how empathetic I am!
9. Call Significant Other, Moan:
Along with "stroking your back tenderly and offering bread of affliction and water after you've spent the night retching up your large intestine," the "listening to you whine about ridiculously petty crisises" is a Totes Benefit to a Relationship. TB copy-edited an early draft of the blog, thus increasing her stake in the matter, so I called immediately, obvs. She shared a story of her own computer crash; she lost a really good short story and was forced to re-write. The re-write turned into the best story she's ever written, EVER. Is that happening right now? With this Sunday Top Ten? Kinda? Best Ever?

Side note: TB's got the best memory ever. As in; she remembers everything I've ever said or written, and can recite poems she memorized years ago. She's memorized entire books. She could probably re-write her blog word-for-word from memory. Which is why I love her, envy her, and must always be careful with my words, as I'm certain I'll be reading them again one day, and cringing in pain.

8. Pick Up a Destructive and All-Consuming Habit:
e.g., cocaine, cigarettes, heroin, sandwich cookies, hookers, television. All of those things involve money, A/V cords or phone calls--three things that are more petrifying than, say, the appeal of a fatal drug addiction. Instead I've chosen string cheese and sweatpants.

If I'd lost a paper for class or something, I'd obvs immediately begin the re-write; like Natalie did when her computer crashed at 4 A.M. the night before a paper was due and she was forced to re-write as we waited in line at Spirit Airlines. [She likes to live on the edge.] But, cause this's for my own self-imposed deadline, it's hard to select the next logical step. Like, what if I was just like: "fuck it"? I mean, I could do that, right? JK, kids, I'd never do that. I don't know if it can be better this time. I'd probably know if I accepted that it's never coming home and I need to start over.

6. Get A Little Perspective
The tornadoed residents of Greenburg, Kansas, can't recover because all the equipment they need to do so is in Iraq. Speaking of Iraq, that's not working out and G.W won't pull out. A 19-year-old college student at Fresno State killed a man in A DISPUTE OVER A VIDEO GAME CONSOLE. Doctors have been prescribing anemia drugs at unsafe dosages to millions of patients in exchange for kickbacks from the sketchy pharm companies. ET CETERA.

Also, as Ingrid points out: "I would guess that being an African woman forced to strip down naked for photographs to be published in 19th century Anthro-porno-gynecological medical books, books that would be perused (and probably jerked off to) by Picasso as source material for paintings that have come to symbolize modernity would have been worse than software breakdowns." She also notes: "This isn't meant to take away from your pain; it's all relative! Love you!" Aw, love you too!!

Free Tibet!

5. Call the Zoho Writer People...
...who apparently are never in their actual "office." I was informed, in a language that slightly resembles "English," to call back between 9 and 10 A.M.. I suspect they might run more efficient applications if they worked more often. That's a really small window during which I'll likely be asleep because I'm awake right now, writing this. I left a number and Ahmed, the Zoho man, called me back at FOUR IN THE MORNING and left a message that was completely indecipherable. He called again at three in the afternoon and left a similar hodgepodge of gibberish. I listened three times and couldn't make out a single word, let alone the words "We have restored your blog, thank you." Also his caller ID had only 5 numbers? Where is that? Krypton? Outsourcia?

4. Then Attack their "Bug" Forums and All Other Possible Avenues For Help...
On the Forums, I found that others had suffered similar document-death experiences on Zoho, which pretty much seals the fate of all Zoho employees [I'll give you a hint: it ain't heaven.] Other options for divine assistance: consult the Oracle of Delphi, try Eternal Sunshine memory-erasing drug, try building a time machine [though if I did that, Top Ten Best Things About Having a Time Machine would be the obvious blog-entry topic, like "Got to see Little House on Actual Prairie" or "Hung out with Socrates, Theadore Logan and Bill S. Preston Esq."]

3. Comfort Oneself With The Electronic Tragedies of Others:

-Crystal was tour-managing a band about to start a big USA Stadium tour when her computer, holding "every single lighting/sound FX" for 28 concerts, "itinerary, budget" and "everything else [she needs] in life," fell down five flights of stairs at the concert venue in L.A.. Just thinking about that makes me want to cry and do cocaine.

[Speaking of dropping computers, once I gave my old Mac Powerbook to my then-boyfriend for free, 'cause I loved him, and then a few months later I took it to install more memory for him, which I obvs was gonna pay for, and when I turned it on there was this folder labeled with a girl's name, and it turned out he'd let his Secret Other-Girlfriend use the computer to write him declarations of love. So then, instead of getting it upgraded, I drove to his house and threw it at him. It landed on the sidewalk. And survived. Just like we did, for some time. Hmm. MACS CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING, EVEN LYING AND CHEATING!! Dear MacBook, I love you and don't think this is your fault. It's not.]

-Natalie, in a story unrelated to the one related in "7," lost her master's thesis via faulty USB drive. The moral of this story is don't go to graduate school.

-Laura went out for a drink and when she got back her dissertation was gone. That happened to me once with my wife.

-Katie's senior design paper was on the school network when it crashed, and once she spent all afternoon watching free fetish porn and forgot to erase her internet history. I made up that last part, but it's based on implied truth.

-Razia took a class called "Accounting, Reports and Decisions," though, as I immediately thought and she immediately noted: "I should've killed myself when I read the unit title," and she screwed up this huge assignment because dates were switched up 'cause it was an American computer program and she lives in Australia. Which goes to show that America has ruined everything, e.g., Iraq, Accounting, computers. [side note: not that Iraq was exactly boomin' with joy before, but whatevs...what is "before," you know? I mean...]

-Moonkiller's PC got burnt in a fire. I can't really make any jokes about that, since it's my greatest fear. Seriously, I've written really bad poetry about it, that's how much I'm scared of my laptop catching on fire.

-AK's "laptop is so hot right now that [she's] propping it up on an ice pack, so it doesn't burn a hole in my desk. And [she's] going to have to take it in because if [she] presses too hard on the left side of the keyboard it will go into sleep mode." That comment made me LOL . And also, worry! Make sure that ice doesn't leak!!! Water will ruin everything, I did that once, spilled water over my brand-new laptop [the old one'd just crashed], and it cost $600 to fix. At least it got fixed. That's one of 10,000 reasons that Visa loves me.

-Laia, who was lonely and sad in a new city, dropped a latte on the keyboard of her laptop. She totally summoned 1984 by noting that this happened on "a cold morning of December." She then vowed never to have a liquid near her computer again. I did that too. Obvs I've got three liquids within arm's reach right now.

-Peter's laptop is a piece of shit and he misses Natalie's MacBook. I hate it when you've grown dependent on someone else's computer. Happened to me, obvs.

-Lynn's printer only communicates with her in Spanish. Mine only prints three pages at a time, then I have to turn it off and back on again and re-start the printing process. It's really weird, and somehow embarrassing if other people witness our routine. By "our" I mean myself and the printer.

2. Comfort Oneself with The General Tragedies of Others:

-Jessica is involved in some scholarly activities related to "patent prosecution" and "constitutional law." All I have to say is, I wish Site-Meter tracked not only location of readers, but grad school enrollment. Seriously, y'all students are totes bored. You should drop out and work at Duane Reade, today they only had one register open and I was trying to buy cigarettes for my girlfriend. And Junior Mints. Yummy.

-The Spaz's girlfriend dumped her yesterday to re-unite with her ex-boyfriend. That blows. I mean: A LOT. I'm sorry. You should throw a laptop at her. That's what I'd do. Keep the toaster. Toast your ex's heart.

-A lot of y'all have papers to write and you're reading this instead. You should stop writing your paper because it'll probably get erased anyhow. Just read my blog, then give me the money you woulda spent on school.

-Viennagirl doesn't think she's ever gonna be a rockstar, which's a hard realization....but to that I say: Don't stop believin', little wing! Don't give up the dream! Not now, not ever! Once Ingrid sent me a birthday card that said "Hello, my favorite next top model!" and I bet she'd send you one just like that if she knew you, and then you'd be Our Top Model.

-Most amazing story EVER, from "Anon": "i've actually had several proper mental breakdowns in the past year. more fun than sars and aids combined. like you wouldn't believe. i was having a pretty damn good sleep this morning too and the jerk-off neighbours always fuck that up for me. it's always something, because they're renovating. today it's dragging their one million tonne shipping container (i know, wtf) onto the back of a fucking truck, and yelling about it the whole time. not just 'yeah, good mate' but 'YEAH THAT SHOULD BE RIGHT MATE YEAH ORRIGHT GOOD ON YA YEAH SWEET'. I'm from Australia, obviously. It's 7 in the morning. I WANT AT LEAST ONE MORE FUCKING HOUR. I'm drinking decaf coffee because I'm such a neurotic that I can't drink proper stuff."

-And another amazing story, from pike-a-dilly, who claims he's never had computer problems with his PC...: "When i was a lil kid learnin to ride a ike, i didt have a bike to be learnin' on. So i was-a-learnin' how to ride on some other kids bike i knew. His bike was pretty beat up and the handle bar was pushing out through the handle-grip. The handle bars are basicaly fucking steel pipes with sharp round edges. while learning, the handle bars turned on me, and i fell onto the exposed one and basically was impaled. It went into my side making a nice round gaping cut."

-Cameron, who I've always credited with consuming more food than any other woman I've known, just learned she's got a thyroid disease and "the doctors say I will steadily gain weight until September, when I have to wear a tight white dress and get married."

-Rachel reports that someone's been stealing her hair products, and someone stole Angelo's $260 cutting shears. So whoever stole 'em, please return them to Rachel in Alaska at Trend Setters.

P.S. This made me laugh...

"Like right now, the word verification thing won't let me upload the comment...i better copy it." -::S

...because I do that, too. I open the "text-edit" app just to retain the pasted comments that I feel have run on long enough that they could be erased at any moment.

1. This?
In conclusion, I'm curious about this dead-dog-in-a-duffel-bag-story, relayed by M--and, to M, I'd like to say, in the words of Huey Lewis and the News: I'm Happy to be stuck with you, do doo doo.

I started reading the dead-dog story to TB over the phone, but she said she'd heard this story before. Then, Laurrita noted in the comments that she intended to relay the same hilarious saga but saw it'd already been told. I find this very mysterious. Someone get to the bottom of this. Is it a popular story? And if so, are you, M, friends with the source material, and therefore practically a famous person? Anyone? Bueller?


team gingerbread said...

Are you really allergic to citric acid, because that offically tops my allergy to cheap rubber as the most random allergy ever.

Mine simply precludes me from ever wearing cheap sandals, wearing vans slip ons with out socks and wearing elastic bands around my wrist (not that I ever did that anyways)

Rebecca said...

I'm a post behind.

Most of my computer-related woes are user generated. I have face-time vs. computer-time anxiety. Is human connection using technology the equivilant of kissing through a napkin?

But then I remember you posting a picture and saying it was meaningful to you because it was the last picture your father ever took of you. And my dad died in March, and I find myself everyday noticing "lasts" and they make my heart ache. And it helps to know I am not the only one who has had these thoughts.

Thanks for being willing not only to write publicly, but for the topics you choose to write about.

Earnestness! On the internet! I'm old-school. :)

Katie Graham said... feel like a real person now, not just someone I read about anonamously on the internet. I love your column. I recommend you read take-a-memo at blogspot. Her blog makes me want to run off to the bathroom at work and rub one out.

Laura said...

Team gingerbread, I know someone allergic to cardboard. I don't know if this is common or not. But I sure found it a bit weird.

Another great blog Reise, and now I also feel semi famous! Whoop!

Lynne said...

oh - so i also wanted to say that in addition to my printer being spanish...

one day it just stopped working at all, so over winter break i came home and brought it with me and asked my 'rents to figure it out, and my mom somehow figured out that a tiny little part was missing on the bc that part isnt there a button isnt pressed down so the printer always thinks the top is open and refuses to print....and so ironically to get it to work i needed to open the top stick my hand inside the devilish thing and hold the button down while it printed, which was NOT fun when i had to print out a 20 page powerpoint...i had an imprint on my finger for like a week...

anyways, i hate that printer, i literally hate it. i didnt think i could ever hate an inatimate object..but i do. now that schools over i might throw it out a window/burn it/take a bat to it/etc.

this is for you & your ego: kudos to you because i enjoy reading your blog! i think it's really smart and funny and it entertains when i should be doing more productive things with my time...but i wouldnt have it anyyyy other way.

-Lynne ...yea i was anonymous before...mah bad.

M said...

The thing about the dead dog story is that it’s always better if it’s told from the perspective of “a friend.” Tell it in the first person and the fact checkers start looking for blood; tell it as “a friend of a friend” and you lose the believability factor. It’s just the way this type of thing goes (trust me – I tell a lot of stories). In fact, I’ve told this story to “friends” and have later heard them retelling it verbatim, which further blurs the line of integrity.

Regardless, I still maintain that I am ONE degree away from the source. This story was told to me in the FIRST person which, if we follow the aforementioned logic, means that it’s much more reliable. Also, my god, the delivery was flawless. I felt like I was there, smelling the dead dog. It was also peppered with more specific details regarding the dog, the apartment and the journey, all of which I have conveniently forgotten. I’m telling you, I was convinced.

The other thing is that if this story does not happen to be true, I would emphatically prefer not to know about it. For one, it would mean that I have to murder my friend, with which I have considerable, yet not insurmountable ethical issues. Primarily though, it’s just a great story. And if anyone ruins it for me we are going to have problems far greater than the Zoho backup server.

Thank you.

riese said...

TG: Well. Sort of...citric acid gives me canker sores on the inside of my mouth. Gross, right? Is that TMI? Actually no one can see them, but they hurt a lot. It sucks because I really like tomato juice, screwdrivers, and marinara sauce. Sometimes I eat those things anyhow, and then just deal with the repurcussions.

rebecca: And it helps to know I am not the only one who has had those thoughts.: Those words are essentially all I could ever ask for from a reader of this blog. And...(to get super-serious on a comical blog, booyah!)...the first year is the hardest by FAR...remembering what you were doing this time last year, finding the most random things still waiting use--groceries! clothing! notes-to-self! love!--Joan Didion's Year of Magical Thinking describes all this better than I could, though I didn't read it, of course, til it came out two years ago, and maybe couldn't have made it through if I'd read it at the time of my own tragedies...but anyhow, after the first year, every following year is just equally hard.

katie: i will check it out, pronto. and yay for using "rub one out," that's my fave expression for that activity, especially when referencing urges had in the workplace and fulfilled in the bathroom.

laura: you're like, famous-famous.

lynne: your printer and my printer should date. it would be really destructive and co-dependent, but maybe if they put their heads together, they could produce a semi-legible document. Have you seen that scene in Office Space when they kill the copy machine?

M: omg, amazing, you totally know the person that it happened to, which means that you automatically win. my love? I totes agree, re: first person storytelling.

MoonKiller said...

My laptop didn't completely get murdered in the fire but it stinks badly and has random chucks around the side due to meltage which means I can't watch dvds or burn cds on this laptop...I say 'this laptop' as I got a new one on the insurance = ]. The worst thing about the actual fire is that my mp3 player did get murdered. And malheuresment I had deleted ALL of my music off my laptop as I simply had no room left so I lost all my music. I cried. A lot. And threw things. A lot. But the nice fireman did grant my (desperate/heartwrenching) request of 'Save the laptop! Leave the rest, save the laptop!!'

Also when my laptops being a retard I stroke it a little and close my eyes and count to ten. Suprisingly it usually works. My ex-boyfriend used to get annoyed when I did this on the phone to him. Most of the time I was on the phone to him I'd be talking to my laptop/guitar/self/inanimate objects.

I have a friend who's allergic to condoms. This makes me giggle.

AK said...

The ice packs are those blue ice things, so won't leak, but thanks for the warning. I did have to take the beast in for the sleep mode problem and forked out $310 to have a new hard drive put in, plus I loss some memory because the slot where the memory sits was all worn out. So I'm short of memory now, but that part I'm used to. Now what did I come here for... Ah, yes. Nice to see you've recovered. And I don't mind the happy love crap at all or even unhappy love crap. I've been wondering what happened to Tara's blog. I had to make up my own story about it, but it wasn't nearly as urban myth as the dog in a bag story.

kate said...

one of my friends has an allergy to citric acid, but only on her hands. I've seen her eat a piece of lemon with plastic gloves on.

Mercury, I'm a hair product slut and Australian. I have NEVER heard of this kangaroo shampoo - I don't think it exists here. Nice to know we're known for our volume though...

Abby said...

Lets see if this fancy new computer will let me post (unlike the last one). I have to say I'm extremely disappointed in this Vista nonsense, why do people with MILLIONS of dollars really need to make MILLIONS more and screw up everyone else's businesses by changing things.... man, I'm in a bad way this week, business is slow, and not only did our business/personal computer die meaning we had to get a new one with Vista which doesnt like anything else we are putting on the computer and constantly has this bold green heading above my page that reads NO FRAUD DETECTED, who is it detecting??? me? And if so does this now mean I am uanable to commit fraud in the privacy of my own home? Oh shit I went off on a tangent, oh yeah, also my gf got a flat tire on the way to work. But thanks to Riese and the fabulous comment posters I still get to LOL, the LingOL may lead to crying but it's all theraputic right?

Mercury said...

Kate: I just see it advertised in like, magazines. I think on TV too, when I watched it? I just remember the bottle being really bright purple. Anyway, it's like grocery store stuff, not professional, so I've never bothered trying it/using it/we...

haviland said...

riese, you know i don't deal with all this techology stuff...i mean obvs i have the same story everyone has about deleting a term paper from high school. but my stories, re:this, are not so compelling.

will leave it to your aussie fans. ;)

caitlinmae said...

I love the recognition that there are people reading this instead of writing finals.
Number of papers to write- 4
months of 2006 Auto-Win that I've read instead- 5

Oh hi! I'm Caitlin, I'm new, and if I fail out of school at least it wasn't from reading Eric Schaeffer until the wee hours of the morning.

caitlinmae said...

to clarify, you= eric schaeffer- douchebaggery- misogyny + ten billion cool points.

I am allergic to some make up. which is really convenient, because it means that I apply blush but once a week, and I have a glow/rash for the next four days!

(also, this should be one comment, but the internet hates me. how appropos.)

riese said...

i. that's funny about your friend, because in like, sex ed, they'd be like "girls, when a boy says he's allergic to condoms, he's lying to get you preggers and herpes!!"
ii. i lost all my music in the great water-spilling-incident of 05, the most tragic part was that I couldn't replace most of it, as it had been procured from various exes and friends who lived far away. it was like, depressing as hell.

ak: re; ice packs...whew. Yeah, Tara's Hey, something just occurred to me, speaking of laptop terror stories, I coulda mentioned that hers was stolen. She has faith that it will return to her. I would probably just curl up into a ball and cry.

now she wants to wait for Vista, as abby mentioned, which sounds very fancy, but it would probably be crushed by Panther or Tiger or whatever jungle animal is currently making my almost-new MacBook run at paleolithic speed.

Okay now I'm gonna just write, non-specifically:

-I totes know that Aussie shampoo. I use it when it's on sale, and I've never seen it when I've been in Australia. It comes in Purple and White bottles and pretends to be in a conversation with you on the description. I think it's like Fosters ("australian for beer") wherein no one there actually drinks it, it's like a weird American Aussie fetish thing.

-Crying is totally therapeutic, obvs, that's why I almost cry every day. Because I almost want to feel better, but not totally.

-That sucks about the flat tire

-I love the weird things computers say to you like NO FRAUD DETECTED. I should do a Sunday Top Ten of weird things computers say to you. Like when Macs break, when you turn it on, there's just this little computer icon with a question mark on it, and it's like "yeah, totes, that's EXACTLY how I feel too! Question? What's up with this dumb computer?!"

If you think about it, blogger asking me to "choose an identity" is totally weird, too. When you think about what that actually like...means? And our internet identities vs. 'real' identities? Maybe it's cuz I'm writing a book about this sort of thing that I think it's so funny. (bisexuality as a jumping off point to fluid/paradoxical identities/roles in general)

-After the Revolution, everyone who read Auto-Win will get honorary diplomas from ivy league schools, and Eric Schaffer will still be single, because all the women who'd still date him will be over 36, which is his cut-off point.

OR something.

I feel like my keyboard isn't working as well anymore. It's karma. I need to stroke it a little and count to ten.

oh haviland remember when my computer wouldn't turn on and i went to your apartment and cried and you were like "um, what's wrong with you, weirdo?" that was AWESOME. then i got it fixed, which was also awesome.

haviland said...

do i remember? yes, yes i do..."crying" = near mental breakdown. for those of you non-new yorkers, you can absolutely make an "appointment" to go to the mac store at 4am and get ANSWERS. that's what riese did, and it was SO busy there that an appointment was quite necessary!

riese said...

...and by that she means that it was just me and the runaways checking their myspace at the midtown apple store circa 5am. I believed I blogged about this. ...and by I "believe" I mean I am QUITE POSITIVE. Because it was such a revolutionary moment in the history of computer-breakdown-breakdowns: problem, answer, lickety split.

NY Radical said...

i. No wonder you always eyed me ominously when I added O.J. to our grocery cart.

ii. I apologize for "turning you on" to Zoho, as it turns off on you, without consent. Lo siento.

iii. Still pretty sure the dead dog story's an urban myth. Or a tale that's reached that sorta rumor/narrative sublimation, yeah? Yeah.

iv. Your lesbo Don Quijote,

Trannie Belteshazzar

Abby said...

Well Tara can have my Vista, screw this new technology, bring back the good old days where things were ugly and chunky but at least they were made to last. I'm sure most technology these days has a built in self destruct timer. Now my supposedly fabulous vodafone broadband is running worse than dial up and I have a terrible urge to throw the computer at the wall. Unfortunately because I use it for work my personal insurance probably wouldn't cover it so I have convinced myself not to do that. We have the worst luck with well most things really. My gf bought this large LG tv before she met me (she was planning on hybernating for the winter) which I didn't like when I met it. turns out my instincts were right. When we played any NTSC dvds the picture was really dark so like watching the L Word we would be like, "so who is she in bed with?" and basically any night/evening scenes were crap. So of course I wouldn't stand for this and researched the issue on the internet. Turns out some tvs just aren't callibrated for NTSC. So of course I thought that a place that callibrates tvs could fix this but instead the arsehole of a tv "fix-it" guy just treated us like stupid girls and talked a lot of bullshit saying they may have to "call Korea" like it was a huge deal and we were living in the 50s or something. All that said he couldn't do stuff all and we managed to push it with LG to the point where they gave us a credit for a new TV (any brand). So now we have the coolest Panasonic 42" Plasma which plays The L Word so clearly you can see the spots on Shanes chin!

k-lily said...

I wanna see the top ten best (or worst) people in your life next week, and why. Please include Ahmed--with pictures, of course. I'll settle for an honorable mention, btw.

M said...

My OTHER friend, unknowingly ate a bag of pop rocks while she was drinking a coke, and exploded. I swear.

NY Radical said...

[M] dude--you totally win. That was the most brilliantest comment, EVER (as Marie might all-caps emphatically pen ) ...

blox-tox said...

HOLY SHIT!! i was quoted by riese!!! how fuckin cool is that?? i got so fuckin excited seeing my lines in your number 10..... wow... i feel like... i dont even have words for it...

anyway, thanks for making my day rise!! and you know i'm lovin this post! keep it up mate...

riese said...

ooo...i think a top ten best or worst people in my life might cause the same sort of uproar i adjust when accidentally re-ordering my myspace top 12. obvs I'd have to make it totes ridiculous, like, avoiding the obvious choices for more unexpecteds....i'll mull this over for next week (i've got an idea rolling for this week know how i do)

yeah, screw vista...get an ibm thinkpad. TB's is great. except that she has to hold the power cord at a very specific angle to get it to stay on. but for 200 bucks, it's still quite a steal. assuming no one steals it.

blox-tox:'re welcome!

M: I LOLed like, 10 times. then read it out loud to TB who clearly also LOLed.

NY Radical said...

Dude/Marie: Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments, but like, don't ever say, "Screw Vista!" Because one day, alas ... etc./obvs. Love you.

Pike-a-dilly said...

aww, godamn if'n you didnt edit out your mention of my grammar mistake/typo.

not slick enough mofo, tara don't say im like her fo nuthin' i remember and notice a lot of shit too.

i really never had a computer related breakdown. never lost a document, email, web-site, whatever. never had any fatal errors, or no reason breaking. ive only owned two computers, because they never broke on me.

riese said...

Yeah, TB told me I'm not allowed to make fun of you, only she is. Then I said but you told me he did it on purpose as a joke! and she was like totes not allowed. So then I went and changed it. She's in the room with me right now...about to see this comment....that's okay though, because there're no impediments to the marraige of our minds, not even me misspelling "marriage" just then and not correcting it, which obvs I've done before and my therapist thinks means something deeper.

Pike-a-dilly said...

Ha. it's like bieng protected by the mafia.

misspellerations and; impooper grammers mistiped are totesbagged. I gots me a license to kill the english language.

which is awesome cause i dont pay it no mind when firing off blog comments, life's too short.

Mercury said...

... I just noticed you added me in. That's like way more considerate than I'd've been. I'd've been like, "too slow, sucka!" Although the reason I was so slow was because I was too fast. I read the post before the update and then I was like "why are all these people commenting?" when I checked back for comments. And hten I commented, and THEN I read the update, and said to myself: d'oh. Slash, note to self, reread riese's posts, becausee sometimes she edits.

PS I'm so offended you said Great Clips. The Chop-Shop itself. Trend Setters, admittely, operates similarly to Great Clips, but it's not a national chain, and we're not all doomed to the dreary halls of Great Clips. They pretty much drive you like slaves to churn out as many haircuts as possible there. They don't even DO color, so the thought of working there makes me want to slit my wrists. Color is my reason for living. Actually, apparently, a lot of things are my reason for living. I have a real flair for drama.

Anyway, If you really wanna, you could go back and edit again to say Trend Setters, so I could stop being so offended.

srmjtii, for some reason (my head is in the gutter?) makes me think, 'sperm jedi'....

NY Radical said...

Think imma change NY Radical to SPERM JEDI. Go swift-footed wing'd Mercury.

Meanwhile, back at obvs trannie mafia can't touch Glen cuz he'z SexPowerGod ... yeah. Obvs. Redundancy. Obvs.

Now off to repost the Gyllenhaal sycophant post [sigh] ...

riese said...

I knew "Great Clips" seemed weird. I don't remember how I got that idea, I think I was typing it out and I was like "wait a second...what's Rachel's hair-place called again? I know it--I know I know it!" and then just glanced at your blog, saw that name, and was like "oh, ok," without really asking myself: "does that seem right, marie? does it?!!"

Anyhow, obvs totally changed it immediately. Like, before I got to the part of your comment where you actually asked me to.

Speaking of cut and color, I need one really bad. My roots are making me so miserable, it's like, rubbing off on other people. but i'm resisting the urge to do it myself and wait til i can like, do it for reals. I'll last til tomorrow or the next day.

stef said...

totally no reason for writing this comment but whatever, i fucking love this blog. i originally wrote a long comment about how i found it and what i love about it and it was so cheesy and i am too new york cool for that, so let me just say i love this blog.

oh, and just for kicks, once i was on tour with a band and dropped something on the input jack of my laptop and knocked it loose.. so i had whatever amount of time the battery works for (like 2-3 hrs?) to save everything on my computer before it totally died forever because it didn't know it was plugged in, and every time i went to a best buy in any city in the country they would tell me they'd have to ship it out, so i was computer-less for weeks until i got home and then best buy sent it out and it came back WITH THE HARD DRIVE WIPED OUT because they said i had a virus so they replaced my motherboard...? which made no sense. enter a six-month-long battle with the best buy geek squad which culminated in my being allowed to pick out a totally more awesome brand new laptop which i will never ever ever have serviced there even if they pay ME.

Mercury said...

Join the club, Stef. At least you had a chance to save your stuff? Maybe it was a secret undercover virus that wasn't really doing anything??? Or maybe they just do that to every computer that comes in, and only like 'pretend' to assess it. Send them a brand-new computer, and they'll replace the motherboard because it has a virus.

Sperm Jedi, you totes should.

Riese, thanks. I'd obvs do your hair if you were less than a two week drive away. I think I've said that before, but this time, it's more legit, because I know what I'm doing? and before, I'd've been kind of freaked out to screw it up. I'd also bring you some KMS shampoo and conditioner. I still can't believe you use suave.

I was probably making fun of Great Clips when I mentioned them.

I met a girl who works at one once, and it made me really sad. She had enrolled for fifty hours more because she kept failing her license, and there's some rule about after a certain number of tries you have to go bakc to school. yeah, think about that - girls who cant pass the exam work at great clips. (they're legally allowed to, with this majig called a temporary license) She's all like, "The tips are great!" I'm like.... I'm glad you're pleased with your chopshop position.

NY Radical said...

Marie: Why are you still asleep?

Riese and shine, if you will; here's our new online collaborative word processing platform: ThinkFree.

Making coffee now. Yum.

riese said...

1. I made the coffee and it was perfect, thunder perfect if you will.

1a. Won't work on my mac..waaa.

2. Stef it's okay, I like long posts about how great I am. I mean, even if it makes you feel uncool, it makes me feel like rockstarie.

But, in lieu of that, ugh! I always make a HUGE Deal of how my Whole Life is on the computer. I usually come off totally manic and obsessive compulsive about my stuff which freaks them out.

3. Actually today I used Garnier Fructis and a CVS brand of pantene. I think they were both on sale. I use expensive stuff on my hair, biosilk serum. It's like the most expensive beauty product I've purchased in my entire life, it made me feel weird, like my hair was really expensive. But it works, so I'll keep shelling out 30 bucks for it. I use Tea Tree stuff sometimes 'cause TB got some.

One day, when I write my book, get a job, and the book's a bestseller, I'll be able to fly you wherevers to do my hair. I think that's what people do. Right? Hm. You can cut TB's hair too, cuz it'd be good practice cuz it's nothing like mine. And Haviland's, also nothing like mine. This is becoming a Hair Party, and I am becoming non-sensical. Best I stop typing. Yup.

stef said...

ohh the best buy guys knew how important it was to me and i asked them to back up the hard drive first which they assured me they had done... only to find that later they could find no record of that agreement. btw it costs $90 to have best buy back up your hard drive but if you scream and cry and they don't end up doing it anyway ("WEIRD! you're sure you filled out the form?" "I AM HOLDING IT IN MY FUCKING HAND!" "oh, weird! we don't have it!") they don't charge you! they now know me by name and when i showed up months later to get something random fixed (ipod i think) they all cowered in the back and didn't want to deal with me. also my verification word is 'nfedeh' which sounds like it's hebrew for something. i hope it's hebrew for the bloody gory death of the best buy geek squad.

and ps, this blog is still awesome, but i live in brooklyn and it's illegal for me to be enthusiastic about anything. i am bound to a life of wearing sunglasses on the subway and sneering at tourists.

Mercury said...

I used to use Garnier Fructis. Like 5 years ago. It's still bad though. But like, the girl in the ad with the long black hair? she was HAWT. So it's forgiven.

People do that. Fly their stylists around? That's totally half of my incentive to go into this feild. Have hot writer chicks send their private jets to fetch me? Sounds like heaven indeed.

I'm getting lots of practice on all kinds of hair. Some examples: today I buzzed off the hair of a crazy old man, which had become so matted and caked with dandruff, the yellow greasy kind not the white fluffy kind, that it came off as a solid lump. Yup. On a lighter note, I also gave a girl named Lindsay a bob she really wanted but looked bad on her, because her hair was all like wanting to curl and it was all weird and grah. And I gave a girl named Meghan the Olga Cut, which is something nobody except a KMS employee or seminar attendee would understand, but it turned out really gorgeous. There were also 9 others but... yeah, you get the point.

Razia said...

Oh man I am so behind in my blog reading. Another tech problem: moving houses and waiting for douchebag ISP to come and fix my shit so I can get my blog fix. If only they were as efficient as the mac store in NYC.

I'm totally butting in here but did somebody say KMS? I used their ish and after like the first two times my hair was all nice n silky and then alluva sudden, like the quarter back who just got into ur pants, it turned on me. I would straighten my hair and then after approx 10 mins I would look like Chaka Khan's first cousin. Scary stuff. Sorry bout the bad PR Mercury.

Abby said...

Almost all the anger and frustration has gone now, internet running fine, photoshop going, someone sending me Office today, all I can say is thank the heavens for interest free payments.
I dated...actually I was having sex with a hair stylist for a while, we're still friends but she is too far away for haircuts now and I don't think my current gf would like that.