Sometimes I pick a Top 8 for a certain show: (e.g., 50% of TNT's programming blows, but the other 50% is Law and Order) or just a general faith in that channel's programming (e.g., Bravo, The N, Oh! (yeah really, seriously, I'm endorsing that channel and I'm not embarrassed about that, except I'm a little embarrassed about the exclamation point)). MTV used to be my #1--unless it was claymation wrestling, the chances were pretty high that they'd be showing something relatively awesome. But apparently I'm like, either a hundred years old, or MTV is dumb.
OK, so, um, I just did a blog search and discovered it's MTV's 25th anniversary. I can't believe that actually even matters. Who Cares? Guess who else is having a 25th anniversary this year and doesn't have any relationship to Ashley Parker Angel, whoever that is? Yeah, that's right: ME. The 25th anniversary of my birth. HOLLA!
Wasn't it their 25th anniversary last year or like, the year before that? MTV is an Anniversary Whore. They're that lame couple that "celebrates" every freakin' anniversary on earth: "It's our one-month!", "It's the anniversary of our first kiss!" "It's our two-point-five month anniversary!" "It's the anniversary of when I met his parents!" "It's the anniversary of the first time he busted a nut in my eye!" bla bla bla bla ...
So anyways, as I look back at the last 25 years of my life (cause my b-day's in one month, exactly!), this is what I miss the most:
Beavis and Butthead: Putting your t-shirt over your head and saying "I am Cornholio, I need TP for my Bunghole" is STILL FUNNY.
Loveline: This is where I gained 75% of my early sexual education (the remaining 25% was provided by Seventeen and Our Bodies, Ourselves). I also learned that most sexual hangups or bizarre fetishes are a result of childhood trauma. Like having a Super Sweet 16.
The Tom Green Show: Um, before that awful movie, this guy was really funny and also he tought me some really important comic skills, e.g. poking your friends in the face while they're trying to talk.
Undressed: When you're 16 and you have insomnia and it's summertime and you live in Michigan, there is no better way to spend every single night between midnight and 5AM than watching an Undressed marathon. It needs to be on DVD ASAP. Plus it's super duper gay. It was gay before the Gays Took Over America (ha!).
I guess people are really into that Laguna Beach nonsense, but the kind of convos they have on that show are the exact convos I hear from 17-year-old biznatches in skinny jeans at the Bloomingdales Train Station (aka 59th street) that I turn up my ipod to block out.
Singled Out:Before every dumb bitch on TV started acting like Jenny McCarthy, there was Jenny McCarthy.
-True Life: Before They Ran Out of Topics and started doing "True Life: I Have a House on the Jersey Shore"
How many times did you see that one with the two dumb blonde girls who kept getting plastic surgery and always ate a lot of Chinese food the night before they went to the surgeon? That was awesome.
Why is Cribs still on? Who cares what kind of palm trees Beverly Mitchell has at her tropical pool? I'll tell you who: morons.
We all know "The Real World: Gammorah," which replaced the original TRW in like, 1999 (the original which involved seven people living in a house and having Coversations about Issues and Personality Conflicts), is mostly just about Sucking Face. I can't even handle watching it. For the first 10 years or so, the people weren't that dumb, but now they are almost all dumb.
Speaking of the real real world....STEPHEN IS THE NUMBER ONE HOTTIE IN PUBLISHING! Thanks for your votes, kiddos.
