Thursday, July 02, 2009

Relief Next to Me or "Sorry I’m just revisiting this now."

I am not sure if all of these sentences have periods at the end of them or if the words are correct but maybe an intern could copyedit it for me jk no but srsly.

I just had a really incredible weekend. And I was excited for it. I'm still excited & charmed by the web of cyber-intern-love we've woven. The context was ideal because the point -- really, truly the point -- of autowin -- was to get to autostraddle. I couldn't -- can't -- keep on like I was on here forever.

I should tell you that the point of my life was to get to the writing, the point of the writing was never to get to my life.

But the point of the work -- the knowledge, the community, the material itself, and the conversations -- the point of the work was to get to the magazine. And here it is.

See back then it was exactly like being naked. Perhaps you also felt naked but really at best you were like a censored movie on teevee -- all blur and suggestion and hope -- you were just the idea of nakedness and I was open and cold like a pitted grapefruit.

When we were 15 my friend Andrew wrote a poem about heartbreak and it opened like this and employed alternative lifestyle formatting: You have dug me out / with grapefruit spoons / and I am left as only the shell of me, / like a rotten peanut / salty and compromised.

You knew things about me and then there we'd be at a party or a restaurant, like the worst places on earth to talk to anyone about anything real, like we were people from the middle ages transported into Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. And on top of that, we were generally people all too aware of that particular obstacle but somehow braving it just the same.

And I felt like you wouldn't like me if you met me.

See there's two memememees: let's say one of them is Riese and the other is autowin. Autowin is the writer part. It's weird to give that part the name "autowin" because autowin is a new/knew name and the writer-part of me is the oldest part of me. But whatever. I'm writing this so I make the rules.

Autowin is scared a lot and doesn't want anyone else around. She writes this blog but doesn't talk to people. She's somewhat incapable of interacting with normal society because she finds strip malls fundamentally ridiculous and organized professional sports somewhat baffling and nuclear families hopelessly boring and outdoor barbecues where straight people hold drinks close to their waists and talk about rooms or decorations they're planning to add on to their house to be sort of embarrassing and sad even though everyone at the barbecue is smiling and happy and full of confident, flowy energy.

She is openly convinced that everyone she knows may undergo a metamorphosis and become Old Navy overnight, and so she does not depend on them to ever join her revolution, which is a disorganized revolution anyhow and often drunk.

She has trouble with phone calls and friendship and employers. She likes to smoke just about anything and doesn't think anyone gets her and there's very little anyone could do to prove otherwise but if you can convince her that you do get her, she sometimes falls straight lickity-split in fucking love with you.

Her sexuality is not incredibly relevant, it's just another kind of nakedness or aggression, depending.

There's been a handful of people who knew the "autowin" personality as she exists in normal everyday life. None of them are people I see or speak to regularly right now. I don't know if that's good or bad, it just ... is.


So I'm used to being separate from the writer person, it's what I've always done. Well ... I think when you're talking about your feelings and I'm talking to you about your feelings, or about my life, maybe there are flashes of autowin there. But generally she is not a person who talks to people, she is a person dependent on privacy or total understanding, which comes with time, because autowin is scared!


And even though this weekend I knew I'd be hanging out with people who knew autowin's writing (including some people who primarily knew me through autowin), it was in this other context of Autostraddle -- and THE TEAM!, who you should defo like more than me because they are cooler -- which made me feel safe, and happy, and like everything had come together perfectly ... like I wouldn't be a total weirdo ... like either I'm totally a weirdo who scares people like I scared people when I was younger because I was intense and they had Barbies, or I'm a normal social person which secretly I am totally fine at too.

... not nervous at all, but excited. And in the weeks leading up to it I was wondering why I felt so excited whereas when I knew I'd be meeting people via autowin in the past, I would feel mostly awkward and scared, but ever since Autostraddle started I've loved meeting people. Like I want to talk to people about the future! Maybe because I have one and I am not constantly attempting to obliterate myself or die or tell a really funny joke or something.

Maybe because Autostraddle has a greater purpose, and because it is a business, and so there's something solid to hold on to as human beings. A starting point. We don't have to begin with the meaning of life.

And there was a purpose, and there was a team, and that's one of the reasons why this weekend managed to combine all the things I love about people who love autowin with all the things I love about people and FUN FUN FUN in general.

'Cause sometimes you don't have to talk face to face about how you GET IT to have fun, but you can have fun face-to-face because you GET IT.

So anyhow. It was so beautiful! I have never felt such overwhelming positivity about a group of people before in my life. Seriously it was almost transcendent and in a strange way totally incomparable to any feeling I've ever felt before.

So thank you intern army who came to NYC this weekend and risked getting gay grounded and slept on couches or on top of each other and who fliered madly and walked in the sunshine and said lovely things, thank you alexandra, ashley, daphne, elizabeth, emily, heidi, jessica, katrina, laura, lola, nicole and tirna and to the team for an awesome weekend.

I mean I spent like 50% of the weekend feeling totally sick in one physical way or another and still think it was one of the best weekends of my life, so that says a lot for the power of X's secret stash everyone!

I am proud of everyone, happy to work with these people and be associated with them; alex, brooke, carly, robin, nata, stef -- and also laneia, crystal and tess even though they couldn't be there physically.

I want Autostraddle to be really successful so we can afford to have another party that's longer where we can play Truth or Dare like I suggested ten THOUSAND BAJILLION TIMES as well as strip poker, but what no one knew is I wasn't talking about your clothes, I was talking about your feelings! JK, I'm not a lesbian, I'm a bisexual like T2 (that's my bro-name for Tila Tequila), so all I want in life is for everyone to make out on television with microphones on their butts. I was talking about your clothes! Where was I. Waiting for the parade. Yes!

this photo is called "interns" and it's by robin roemer, obvs

Once we had this idea to take the interns upstate to Alex's cabin and blindfold them and leave them in the woods and whomever came out alive got to transcribe an interview with charlene from "gimme sugar."

Right about that anyhow: I felt safe and not scared or heavy and open and cold like a pitted pit. Like it wasn't just about me and my secrets. It was about all these people together. It was about all the things we actually don't need to lie about when we're around the right people, which are also beautiful things. So I wasn't even nervous like I was to meet people I'd met before via autowin, but excited and already totally comfortable. Which is a good place to start from, especially if one will ever get to autowin.

What I mean is that doesn't mean that like everything is on the table, but everything is DANCING on the table. Make out and wait for the next joke etc. And I had these other people -- which is a technique I've entertained since the start (here, look at my BFF, she's pretty!!! read my words, but dream of her!), only now it has a very concrete form & structure & purpose.

We had a party! We marched in a parade! It was a ridiculously short period of time doing weird things!

I have some things I should say to you, some disappointing things: I don't always remember exactly. I want to have the time to remember, or the capacity to remember. I do get a lot of emails -- not THAT many -- but like, a good 3 or 4 a week, and they are always really full of feelings. I have a hard time responding because I have a hard time feeling important. I don't have a vocabulary for it. I don't want to let you down. I love the emails and I wonder if just saying "thank you" is enough. Like this paragraph already feels weird so

and it's hard to say "your emails make me feel better about my existence" ... and then I feel I cheat you if I don't address, you know, your existence ... or mention that like ... my existence was compromised by this blog in SO MANY WAYS that i didn't/can't talk about. It hasn't been easy. Mostly though i can't talk about it 'cause I can't diminish the positive things it brought! Such things!!! ... and where we are ... and I've tried to fucking structure this goddamn post and I can't. Oh well. Maybe TInkerbell will comment! !!!!! this isa blogtherearenorules look ican write whatever i want POTATO!

Also, it's hard to feel important when everyone around you thinks you should give it up and make some fucking money for once. Money matters, it matters all the time. I want it! 'Cause it's fun and you can give it to other people when they need it too. But I'd rather die than temp 9 hours a day 5 days a week for a paycheck that just barely covers my basic living expenses because if I have no time to write or create things than I might as well be dead. You know? I'm convinced by something greater than all of this that we'll find a way.

Anyhow, those are my feelings. The whole truth is like the story of a wave unfurled, ET-effin'-CETERA.


Bren said...

I have to catch a plane in like 5 minutes, but I just have to say you, both of you, are amazing.

Amy said...

Autostraddle is a fantastically wonderful undertaking, but I do miss these little autowin moments. (It's really cool to watch you take over the world.)

-formerly burningsteady

Vashti said...

First and foremost, I'm still super sad I wasn't able to be with you guys this weekend. I mean, really fucking sad. I see the pictures, I hear the stories, and part of me cries because it's like I missed out on this big thing that will never happen again. Sure there may be gatherings in the future but this was the first and now it's over and completely, 100% missed it by a longshot. Sadface. My feelings are best expressed by emoticons.

Now, with that out of the way, I have to say I love it when I go to google reader and I see an update from this girl called automatic win. I love Autostraddle lots and lots but autowin was here first and it will always hold a special place in my heart. So when there's a new post here, it's like seeing an old friend - a best friend who, no matter how long you've been apart, you can just pick up right were you left off and it just feels right. The relationship between you is always and will always be relevant and amazing. I don't know if this is weird to say but despite the fact that I still haven't met you, still don't even know you, you and your writing and autostraddle and autowin have impacted my life in such a profound way. I know I've told you this before but never in such a public manner. But it's true. I just think it's something that needs to be said every now and then because I really don't know if you realize just how important you are in the lives of some of your readers. Everyone has the right to know that they've helped people and that those people are forever grateful.

Carol said...

wow, riese. you've really out done yourself this time. can i use the word "inspiring" to describe this post? f-ck it, i just did.

haven't read something like this in a while..anywhere. thank you.

e. c. said...

"...made me feel safe, and happy, and like everything had come together perfectly ... like I wouldn't be a total weirdo ..."

Me too, Riese, me too. I'm also having a hard time writing about the weekend. I wish I had more time to talk to everyone but still it was crazy and amazing and I simultaneously feel happy and sad that it happened/it's over. I want to cry and I want to laugh. I will probably end up doing both.

I'm not sure why you picked "sorry I'm just revisiting this now" but I'm glad you did. I do like that line.

Lynne said...

this makes me happy. I mean, I'm not an intern (because...?? I don't know) but i was still totally happy to go and attend and see people in real life and drink etc. ( and tell my friends all about autostraddle obvs. )
truth be told I started reading auotwin while painfully in the closet and feeling like a big giant weirdo on the internet. and hey 3 yrs later, because you guys threw a party, I went to new york pride and had a really great time.
I went from feeling bad about being a weirdo to feeling good about being a weirdo! so even though alot of stuff happened in the real world for 3 yrs that helped me too, I can't imagine it without autowin(straddle), because honestly there is nothing else out there that could've taken its place.

Debs said...

It's a shame we reward people for bullshit jobs rather than those with actual vision and passion. I'm sorry you make no money, but the rest of us definitely reap the rewards of your labor.

all i have to say is long live the autorevolution!

laura said...

and i'm feeling vashti on the google reader love and autowin being like an occasional, awesome visit. when i started reading your blog, it was perfect timing because i could pretend that someone was talking to just me. even though it's the internet so everyone knows that everyone else is there too and feeling it too, but you don't have to let each other know that you're in on the secret. and now autostraddle is something that i want everyone to know and feel and tell each other about.

this weekend overwhelmed me in all the right ways. there was not enough time and a lot of people, way too much alcohol, noise noise noise and no sleep but the hope was SO LOUD. it made me so happy to be in the presence of people who, i think, realize that there's too much to learn and too much to change to ever even flirt with the illusion of having it all together. because where's the honesty in that? and where's the fun?

laneia said...

when i say this to you in the space of a blog comment, it's like a secret. or like it's 2 years ago? which is also a lot like a secret.

"It was about all the things we actually don't need to lie about when we're around the right people"

i wish life was like that. that quote? that's how i feel on saturdays, before noon, in the city. but never before or after that. only then. i used to feel that way a lot more often. why do you think that is? don't answer that. it was years ago and i barely remember it, but i know it happened.

want to hear something ironic, or not ironic at all possibly because sometimes i think i don't know the real definition of that word? before all of this -- autostraddle, and the chunks of a couple of years that i existed before it did -- i read you so i could write. you opened up parts of me i'd never met before. so i'd write things in notepad and title it with a date and never ever publish any of it but there it was anyway. and now, when i'm supposed to write the most? you don't. and so i have nothing to read and no one to meet. isn't that funny?

i had things to say that were perhaps more related to this post, but i've lost them all. i'm just so grateful to be here. did i ever say that? and the rooftop pictures were always my favorite. but the future! the future is bright yellow and right there! let's get drinks.

Brooke said...

Hi! I like whatever of you I've interacted with to date.

elliB said...

I feel like the autowin part of you most of the time. Scared and weird and needing to write, but not always capable of writing or feeling anything but nervous or wrong.
We couldn't play strip poker, we had no cards... ;)
So I guess I got out of the woods first, started transcribing, and then ran back into the woods screaming for the cabin to take me back, please!

Mercury said...

hmm. you're still amazing! I don't think you've been this happy ever since you've been writing this blog, I like it. I like it a lot.

KayDee said...

Autowin is my favorite thing. It feels personal in a weird way, a good way. Like, even though the entire world could read it.

You've gotten me through some of the worst times in my life.

Thank you for writing this, and for existing, and for just being you. So you should probably even thank your mom for me, for bringing you here? Yeah.

jess said...

Few things depress me more than listening to straight people at gatherings blabbering on about their construction/additions to their homes.

I was a little anxious going into this weekend, surrounded by so many new people but the minute I began talking, everything vanished. I felt natural, at ease, fun and free in an environment which is usually quite overwhelming for me. I know what you mean about having two parts. I feel it too. The part of me that just wants to be left alone is starting to talk more to the one who understands the need for connection.

Riese, this entry made my entire body swell with hope.

k.c. danger said...

sometimes this thing happens where i turn into a little ball of giddiness, but this time it's mixed with totally the right amount of nostalgia, and all i can really do is just sit here and sigh and smile like an idiot because this weekend was so fucking incredible.

i'm a bit newer to autowin than everyone else, i think, so i guess new posts seem less like visiting old friends and more like hearing from that one girl you just met that you just can't get enough of. sometimes she's busy taking over the world though.

viva la revolucion!

Haviland said...

i am SO glad that riese who was marie who sometimes is autowin is in the space she's in...i feel so much apart of that process...of what happened before. looking at that roof picture shot me into a SERIOUS sense memory...i'm not sorry we went through that time but i am tremendously happy we're in the future of that time. i love time travel.

asher said...

laura said " it made me so happy to be in the presence of people who, i think, realize that there's too much to learn and too much to change to ever even flirt with the illusion of having it all together."

i would just like to point out that copious amounts of booze make it really easy to drop that illusion.

...or so i am told.

love to you all. for truth.

Unknown said...

I don't always keep up with this blog but reading this made me feel all glowy inside.

I don't even know you but somehow you're one of my most favourite people in the world. I get the vibe that you're someone special and that you're going to do awesome things with your life (not that you haven't already with Autostraddle). Like, in 10 years, I'm going to look back in awe and be just so thankful that I somehow ended up on Autowin one day and learned about the existence of this crazy girl named Riese. Because of you, I'm definitely a better person in so many ways.

Sorry if this is weird or awkward, or if I'm making you feel like you have to live up to any sort of standards. Basically, I just wanted to say thank you and good luck. You're not making oodles of cash, but you're achieving things that money just can't buy.

cnpetty said...

i'd kind of just like to hop on the end of everyones comments, because i agree with all of them, and just say that autowin really has changed a big part of me. i found this blog a bit of time after a time for me where everything sort of fell apart, and i filled up the void with the internet. i started reading your l word recaps, then this. it game me so much hope to skip back and forth between your archived thoughts and your present ones and just see that things could be so shitty and then so amazing later. that you don't always have to live in the world as autowin and can transcend that. you say so many beautiful amazingly profound things (and sometimes ridiculously hilarious things too) and i just feel thankful to read them and feel them too, kind of.

Roxy said...

Well, I probably won't be saying much that hasn't already been said, but I just want to reiterate what everyone has been saying (I started to name people, but soon realized I was basically listing everyone who's posted).

Autowin is great. It's/she's inspiring, moving, creative, funny, well-written, eloquent, intelligent, etc.- I could go on forever. There's so much in it that helps people out, probably much more than you know. Besides the emails and the comments, there are tons more people who are constantly moved by your blog in silence.

I, for one, am still trying to figure my life out as well. There are so many possibilities that lie before us and it's exciting yet so scary all at once. Introspection is good at times and self-doubt keeps us humble, but is ultimately destructive if too prevalent. I don't know where I'm going with this exactly and I'm not as great of a writer as Autowin, but I guess what I'm saying is (cheezy as it may be) continue to follow your heart and things will work out. It's so hard to see (especially with the stupid $$ factor), but great things are already starting to come of it (AUTOSTRADDLE!!!). You've got a talent that shouldn't be put to waste in some hooblah cubicle job. I aspire to someday find my passion like you have.

This post was so moving and I think spoke a lot that everyone can relate to. So thank you so much for that, Riese/Autowin. It was really great meeting you this weekend. I'm sure even if it was just you via Autowin, not Autostraddle, I still would've have thought you were just as cool/sweet as I expected you to be in person. And don't feel guilty for not acknowledging my or anyone else's existence-just posting is doing us a big enough favor! Never stop writing plz!! thanks :)

damn that comment was way longer than I intended it to be.

djk9 said...

You help out a lot of people riese, those who comment and email their thanks and those, like me, the invisible ones who just read it and hope that your blog hits communicate something .
No-one admits the autowin parts of themselves to others because is so against our culture to be introverted, agoraphobic and screwed up. Unless you surrender yourself to a glamorous, full of the pharmacy self-destruction binge (while occasionally promoting a spray tan) people throw up their hands and don’t want to know.

I think that there is this expectation to be happy and admitting misery often met with the sympathy of a person howling over overspilling their jeans- what did you expect? You have indulged and you are going to have to pay the bill for it. Try harder. Happiness has become the trophy of success, we sustain ourselves with this fantasy that with enough brain, guts and heart our lives are perfectible. We know it isn’t true. I think that we have more control that we admit to, of course, and we can’t give up, but that the world is full of unfixable problems.

So we decide to ‘fake it until we make it’ With facebook, twitter etc we have more control over our image we present to the world than ever before and we become our own overworked publicists- we distort, censor and filter until we are left with unrecognisable versions of ourselves. They are happy. They gulp down multivitamins instead of stabilising combination of pills. They hit the gym when they said yes when they meant no, instead of bolting the bathroom door behind them. They give beauty pageant answers through stretched smiles. The untruths we create isolate us further.
So what I’m trying to say is, that in a world where you catch yourself answering ‘I’m fine!’ as a reflex your blog is precious and unauthentic. You tell it with such unflinching rawness (although I’m sure this blog is at times only the tip of the iceberg for you, that privacy and other variables have held you back from allowing the full story to be told) and having your heart hanging out of your shirt online must be enormously high risk, and I really thank you for it. Even in your darkest times you are clawing something creative out of destruction and I’m just one of many who appreciates it more than I can express. On the night I die I swear I’ll sleep outside your window. Jk! But total love for you riese xxxxxxx

dewey said...

So, Im a little bit late responding to this post and i have written a comment in agggggggggggggeeesss!!! But... i feel this is a good one for me to comment on.

I feel like autowin was really the start of something in my life. Ill be honest, i haven't made the transition to autostraddle, i dont think Ive ever got past the home page. You know Im sure its amazing and i wish you so much luck with it but....

Autowin was something i felt i needed for a good couple of years, some kind of support group. I dont need that support now.

When i started reading this i was a a young girl, so deep in the closet it was almost unbearable. But in the last year especially, Ive moved on so much and i have all the support i need in the friends around me.

Im out to all my friends, I have an amazing gf, ive told all my family, apart from my mum, but i know it wont be to long now. And i just love life at the moment.

So yeah, I will always remember this blog as the start of things, and i will always be greatful to you for what felt like helping me through it.

So yeah.... thank you x

Vikki said...

It's taken me a really long time to feel comfortable in my own skin and, even now, that comfort comes and goes. Writing has freed me from some (definitely not all)of my awkwardness and is helping me create a different me. Argh. I'm not sure that makes sense. Anyway, you seem to be in a good place and that is fantastic. Well done you.

riese said...

23 = micheal jordan's number
23 = number of commments

23 = number of thank yous

there's more

where this came from

Anonymous said...

23 tears for the lost days of individual replies. and the fact i never commented then. xxxxxx

riese said...

actually those aren't lost days!! I still individually reply.

but on posts about my feelings -- especially when it's just about me -- i always have had trouble knowing what to say, you know? like this one and this one, i dunno. i feel weird saying "thank you" over and over, i hope (believe) at this point people know that i am touched by their words but sometimes am left wordless myself. i do want to reply, i think often that's my way of showing gratitude, is the individual replies. but i want to. please don't lament those days as if my gratitude has changed, it most certainly hasn't, you know? and never will, i mean, this is here. and stuff.

Anonymous said...

That reads like a sour guilt trip- wasn’t my intention! I love the little personalised replies. It’s attentive and sweet that you take the time and was just a kind of trademark I’d come to associate with the blog- people would comment with the safe anticipation of getting a response. Like a proper ongoing dialogue. I panicked that that was being phased out - didn’t mean to sound demanding, sorry!

Bokolis said...

Ummmm...I hold my drink up high. It's easier to reach and decreases the risk of a fumble from contact. But, I wonder what else it coveys.

Autowin sounds like someone I used to know. Do she and Riese chat over coffee or white wine?

It's been a privilege to watch you go about attempting to harness and channel your brilliance.

Anonymous said...

i love you!

thank you!

Torrie said...

Thanks for quoting my favorite Dar Williams song. And thanks for existing.

Anonymous said...

Do you accept facebook friend requests?

riese said...

Bren: Thank you, and I hope you got your plane!

Amy: It's cool to take over the world too!

Vashti: YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE WOMAN. There will be other gatherings though. Autowin holds a special part in my heart too and I think the way you describe it is actually a lot like how I think of it. And thank you for saying what you say and for being forever grateful, too.

Carol: Yes, I like inspiring. I like the concept of being inspiring. So thank you. For reading.

saint danger modesto: I wish I had more time to talk to everyone too! But it was so fleeting, maybe fleeting things are sweeter for their brevity. When I (re)read that post of yours and I saw that line i thought; that's perfect, and that describes this just right.

Now it feels ar away and i want it to be closer again.

Lynne: I want all weirdos everywhere to feel okay about being a weirdo and being a gay. That is my life's mission and I feel warmed by your validation that I have done this, well. And it was nice to meet you as well! Now every time I go to Autostraddle your photo is one of several that flash and smile in my face!

Debs: Yes, what you said about the bullshit jobs & the passion is my no.1 complaint with Society Today. And I'm hoping/praying/wishing AS will somehow take care of both ...

laura: when i wrote autowin i usually was talking to just one person, or maybe no more than ten people, and sometimes they were specific people and sometimes it could have been anyone. and when i write/edit autostraddle I don't know who I'm writing for, and it's different, it's safer, though not necessarily easier.

"hope was SO LOUD" (and that whole graf) - so true.

laneia: 2 years ago is a lot like a secret. That seems like 20 years ago, sometimes. No I take that back it seems like yesterday. When I write back to comments it feels like a secret that no-one will find, which it turns out is not true.

i read mary gaitskill so i can write. sidenote. that's incredible, the thought of being that for you, because you are also a writer whether you think so or not, i could be that for you, that's amazing, and possibly one of the best compliments ever.

i finally got to the roof and burned everything, i guess, and now it's been nearly a year since I even lived in that place. the things we take with us, the things we never leave.

riese said...

Brooke: I like you too, Brookling!

elliB: and two weeks later I almost am done with that g-dforsaken article!! we don't need cards for my kind of strip poker, obvs.

Mercury: This comment makes me really happy 'cause I feel like you related to the dark parts a lot, so for you to be happy for me being happy makes me even happier. That being said, I feel weird today!

KayDee: You're welcome. Don't thank my Mom though, it was an accident. Or so she says. I feel like i say a lot of things were accidents when I'm lying and they were really totally fine.

Jess: I feel like I had a disclaimer that i left out, like that they don't need to be straight, i mean, queer people are still interesting now, but lke, god, I just feel like every time I am at an event with normal people who usually seem to be straight, just like statistically most people are straight so that would make sense, i just feel like it's this weird conversation i cant believe anyone truly cares about. and i like truly caring.

k.c. danger: i'm hearing your comment to the tune of "can't stop til you get enough" which is weird and awesome, but also about me, which is interesting/sweet. lets all smile like idiots. the past few days have felt like fighting off the world, i'm eager to fight for it.

Haviland Stillwell: It's weird to even think about the roof existing, like I'm so glad it's not there for me to get to and exist upon. you know? i love time travel, and the future in particular.

asher: copious amounts of booze make it really easy for asher to be SO WASTED!!1 OMG, i hope you are never ever less wasted than that. love to you all for truth!

Michelle: I am! Really? I'd like to do a clown dance for you with bells on my toes and bees in my knees! In ten years peopple will be like "omg, riese, that chick was wild, I hope she is having lots of free love in her canadian commune!" jk, no it'll be awesome.

nothing is every weird or awkward!

cash is for people who can't live on the edge!

cnpetty: Wow ! that's amazing! I feel like you haven't commented before, so that's really sweet to hear. I remember once I used to read livejournals from other interlochen grads, one of whom i always had a crush on which was funny for a lot of reasons, but i was like totally open about it at school or whatever, diana, and she had this terrible breakup with her boyfriend and i remember reading it and every day witnessing this happen and when i had my terrible breakup, i went back and read hers to make me feel like I too would get better one day. I just remembered that.

Roxy: First of all, you shoul dhave a lesbian club night with that name. I went to a club called Roxy once and we fell asleep! I know! DOn't drink before sunset! i hope you find your passion one day too but I would recommend masonry or glass-blowing, or perhaps auto repair! I need a marketable skill.

Anyhow, thank you. And thank you for thinking I was cool/sweet in person, my memory is hazy, but I am sure I was full of spirit if not entirely able to stand up. Don't worry not like Intervention style. Anyhoo!

Thank you and I will never stop writing. I am intrigued by the people moved in silence. I want to see them all together moving! Silently!

djk9: your comment is so lovely that i am speechless. for real!

riese said...

dewey: omg you are in an icon with your girlfriend! I feel like my baby is all grown up!

Vikki;: that's totally it -- the release that helps me feel like I am creating a different me. I think I will be in a good place when there's stablility, maybe. But this is as good as it gets sometimes; so far.

riese: nice shoulder!

anonymous: i am attentive and sweet, i promise!

Bokolis: Your comments are always the most cryptic/not, it surprises me sometimes and that's a good thing.

Anonymous: Chances are I love you too! I'm not IN LOVE with you, but I do love you, Anonymous!

Torrie: you're welcome on both accounts!

Anonymous: yeah from people i know or also from readers i don't know if they are people that are already connected to other friends or write me a note so that i know who they are. since i'm not so good at accepting right away, usually they've friended hav or alex or someone else in the gay webiverse first ... so yeah, short answer "yes."

Anonymous said...

riese there is a thread about u at l chat, u might want to get it shut.

jordan said...

sometimes and most times i think because of this stuff i'm ok. just so you know, but you know. but just anyway. thanks.