I recently transferred to a new city for my job and moved in with an old friend. One of her new friends lives in the same building and I'm interested in her. Howevs, my friend & her friend are super-tight, and I'm afraid that initiating anything might make it awkward if things don't work out, as we're all basically living together. I don't want to ruin anything for my friend. Advice?
-Living in Sin
Riese: Haven't you seen Melrose Place? There's only one way this story can end, and it's hot hot hot! How else do we meet people if not as friends of a friend? Take the plunge. Worst case scenario, things could get awkward. Best case scenario, naked sex in the pool. Clearly the bad outweighs the good, my work here is done.
I like feeling needed so I tend to attract users -- jumping from close sexless friendships with girls who need help ($20, emotional support, someone to pick them up and drop them off, an audience for their drama, money for food). Theoretically, I know that sounds so "Duh, bad idea!" But I feel like there's more to it than that ("I let it happen" or "she's not doing it on purpose") it is with my current bff. Her jerk boyfriend dominates her life, I never see her anymore, and distance has brought perspective. On one hand, I want to let her go. On the other, I wanna disentangle her from the mess. She uses me -- for sure -- but it doesn't compare to how he treats her. And she's a good person. I want to be her friend. I think. Idk. Maybe I'll just move sooner than originally planned.
-Used & Abused
Riese: Agreed. I think for me one of the hardest things about growing up was realizing that although my friends have often 'saved' me from bad relationships, not everyone's as open to that as I've been. And ultimately when it's the two of them alone in the room without your opinion front & center in her mind, your feelings are gonna seem like what they actually are -- just feelings from outside.
You need to ask yourself if her behavior is fucking up your life logistically (work, finances, your friends & family). If you've got nothing else to do besides pick her up, and you do love & care about her and want to offer support regardless of reciprocation, then go for it. But don't ever put her priorities above yours, that's when resentment starts, and if she never leaves him, that's how you're gonna start feeling like you've fucked up your life for someone who won't UN-fuck up their life for you.
As you know, you're hot. Hot.I want to know EXACTLY what your diet/exercise regimen is -- how two normal twentysomething girls eat and stay fit. My girlfriend and I have "let ourselves go" and we don't like ourselves anymore. We wanna be fit and look good again.
Let's Get Physical
Now, I eat more or less whatever I want to. I know I definitely have it easier than other women and my advice isn't necessarily what will work for people more prone to weight gain than I am.
My Mom's a nutritionist and she always stresses how every body needs something different, you have to figure out what works for you. I know that when I'm depressed and starving, I get emaciated fast, and when I tried to 'diet' (1600-1800 calories a day) I kept putting on weight 'cause my body went into "starvation mode." If you're gonna count something, don't count carbs or fat, calories is the one and only thing that matters. But fat'll keep you fuller longer, so stay away from fat-free cookies and shit.
I eat probs about 2500+ calories a day -- a lot of eggs, toast, frozen yogurt, english muffins, peanut butter crackers, string cheese, Nature's Valley granola bars, gardenburgers, salad, candy, alcohol, green tea, Coca-Cola, yogurt, cereal -- and I never ever consume aspertime. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I enjoy many small meals.
There's some things that i just know are ridiculous calorically that I stay away from except for special situations, like empty carbohydrates (muffins, bagels, danishes, etc). When I snack, I mix protein and carbs (string cheese, nuts & dried berries, peanut butter crackers, etc) 'cause carbs alone won't keep you full as long.
I stay active as much as I can -- walk not drive, work out 4-5 days a week, about 40-60 minutes of cardio (elliptical or stairmaster). I do some crunches and leg exercises maybe once or twice a week.
Also when in doubt, I suggest Newman's Own air-popped popcorn, fat-free Jello, cigarettes, coffee, diet coke and amphetamines. I believe that's the diet of the stars.
Haviland: First of all, thank you for saying Riese and I are "normal" 20somethings. There is no normal - we all have issues, health challenges, body image bullshit, and hunger. Listen to your body. Everyone is different. Celebrate the things you like about yourself. I'm very specific about what I eat and how I work out, and I wouldn't suggest my way to everyone, because it's what works for me, but probably not for most people. If you are concerned specifically, or would like some suggestions, i'd be happy to refer you to a nutritionist or a trainer, who may be able to advise you on your specific situation. In general though, whole foods are better, starving and bingeing are not good ideas, drugs and alcohol are poison, and you should move in oxygen every day! Take care of your body. It has a big job to do!
Riese: Good point about drugs being poison. I'd like to change my answer from "amphetamines" to "a good multi-vitamin" or PHENOMENOL!
Hav and Riese,
I'm a boy and I've met a boy I like -- how do I get him to sleep with me? Not even sexually, but when I stay at his apartment, I sleep in his bed and he sleeps on the floor. What do I do? I'm afraid that if I'm too up front, he'll think I'm a ho, but why should he sleep on the floor of his own apartment?
Riese: Is this boy gay? It kinda sounds like he's not. If he was gay, he'd probs be a ho ready to ride the hobby horse all over the Niagra Falls area. I mean, sleeping on the floor is serious. I might have to say he's just not that into you. The best way to tell is to make a lot of sexual references whenever possible and try to feel out his response. E.g., "can I borrow a pencil? Ooo, you know, this reminds me of my ex-boyfriend" and if he's like "oh ew," then it's a no-go, but if he's like "well, I have an even bigger pencil in my pants," then pull down his pants and stick it in. Then you can make a joke about Sharpies.
There's a new girl at my work, and I feel like she's bi or gay but my friend is convinced she's straight. How do I raise the point or ask without being rude or offending her, but also without making it sound like I'm coming onto her? I don't want her to feel it's too awkward, how do I let her know it's cool.
Dear Haviland & Riese,
I'm only 15 but I know I'm gay. It's taken three years to get over my first crush on my straight as an arrow best friend, but we still hang out and it's tough to forget her entirely. Luckily, I've got a new crush I really like -- and I think she might actually be gay! How do I approach her without being creepy if she turns out to be straight? I don't wanna get hurt or feel like an idiot.
Riese: Kids! Listen up! The best way to find out ANYTHING about ANYONE is to ... (drumroll!) ... talk to them!!!! There's no secret code or special handshake. You just talk to them. See if they talk about boys, Shane, Tegan and/or Sara, or Melissa Etheridge. Feel out the vibe. Most people don't know where they stand on the Kinsey scale, especially at that age, so don't stress so much about placing your crush object into "straight" or "gay." Sometimes girls with boyfriends fall for other girls, and sometimes lesbians won't be that into you, and sometimes bisexuals will get their own show on MTV. Most girls are straight until they're not, obvs, but worrying about orientation distracts from what you should really be sussing out -- does this girl like YOU? If you're open about who you are, chances are she'll feel comfortable opening up about her sexuality to you if it's relevant. And if she doesn't, then it doesn't matter if she's gay or even gayish ... she's not ready. Which means it's time for you to check out OURCHART!
My girlfriend's addicted to all things Susan Powter -- she spends a million hours watching the outdoor shower video and perusing Susan's site & forum. And okay, my ego can handle it 'cause I know my cherubic butterbutt (as adorable as she is) hasn't got a real chance with the statuesque exercise queen. I can handle my gf eating Doritos in her Powter-made coffee sleeve bracelet while the yoga mat sits unused in the middle of my living room.
What I can't handle is her insistence that Powter's videos play while we're making love! When she's lovingly playing with my hair, she's actually trying to twist it into dreadlocks! My birthday gift? VS bras and A-line tees. My sports bras are nowhere to be found.
The other day, she asked me to yell at her for eating Twinkies. "Make it real," she said. "Tell me how white men and white flour are destroying me!" My Susan apparently lacked the proper authority and she retreated to a corner pouting, Twinkies in hand.
This morning Home Depot pulled up with outdoor shower materials.
So my question, dear autowin, is how can I make this obsession go away? Should I try to do Susan to make my butterbutt happy? If so, how can I do Susan more convincingly without actually exercising? Where do I draw the line?
Stop the Insanity!
Riese: HAVILAND! GET IT TOGETHER! YOU MUST! You know who does an amazing Susan imitation? Haviland. Maybe she could teach you.
That being said, it sounds like what your girlfriend is attracted to is having one-way conversations. As in; she sits and Susan yells. This is what makes Susan, Susan.
Here's what I'd do. When your GF leaves the house, you need to get rid of all the Susan stuff, like hide it in the backyard (if you've ever buried a hamster or something in the backyard, that's probs a good spot for the Susanialia). Then when she comes home and asks where it is, you go "What stuff?" and look confused. If your GF's like, "Oh, my Susan videos, where are they?" then you just give her a blank stare, like you've just had your mind and memory zapped, as in a sci-fi movie or teevee series. Or if you're not that good at faking a mind-sweep, just be like, "omg, we got mugged." For this plan, you'll need to prepare before she comes in -- I suggest being huddled in the corner crying, gripping a stuffed animal and going "at least they left Tinkerbell Junior!" Then she'll be too busy comforting you to think about refined white men. Insanity = stopped.
I've been seeing this gorgeous 28 year-old girl. She's got everything I want; looks, wit, functioning cerebrum, and she's not an alcoholic! there's something wrong though -- when it comes to sex (which's great btw), she doesn't want me to do anything. No touching. I just hug her, and she cums before I do, which doesn't bother me but I wanna share my oral skills! Love goes both ways, and I'm good at it! Tell me what to do, how to make her feel comfortable. Or, Riese; come down here and marry me. I'll show you my skills first hand, seriously, you're the girl of my dreams!"
Great Taste in Women
Riese: Firstly, I think you might have me confused with Haviland, she's the hot one, and I'm the cool one. I hope your dreams have candy in them. I love girls and candy. Or sex and candy, like that annoying song. Also I need a passport so get on that stat.
I'm confused about your situation. As I see it there are two things possible:
1. Your girlfriend is a total weirdo and has been faking orgasms, probs has issues.
2. Your girlfriend comes super easily without even being touched. So, she knows that if you touched her, she'd just explode everywhere like the Uh Huh Her song explode, or like a 14 year old boy. 'Cause like ... if she gets off just from hugging, I feel like your skills could probs push her over the edge.
3. I bet Haviland's gonna say something about the importance of communication, take it away, Hav!
For seventeen years I assumed I was straight but over the last two, I started wondering if I liked girls. Then I started watching The L Word, and I noticed myself finding women more and more attractive, checking out women. I'm hesitant to consider myself bisexual.
While I'm intrigued by the idea, the thought of actually being with a woman is a little je ne sais pas. I really do enjoy looking at women, thinking about them, and all the like [here's where I start confessing my love for both fictional characters (such as Carmen de la Pica Morales) and real people that I don't actually know (such as certain people [as in more than one person] who may or may not be associated with this blog)] but for some reason I just can't bring myself to say for sure that I like them.
At only 18, maybe this isn't an issue that I really need to focus on but I can't help but wonder. I'm one of those people who just needs an answer because the uncertainty is more than I want to handle.
All Girls Are Straight Until They're Not
Riese: I think I need a keyboard shortcut to copy-paste, "Don't worry about labels, just be what you are!"
We're trained as American females to fall in line w/what mass media dictates as "sexy." The L Word impacted many lives 'cause it's the first mainstream program to display girl-on-girl relationships (rather than male-oriented girl-on-girl hookups or flings) as being just as hot and sexy as the hetero kind. It definitely changed my life, too. So that makes sense.
When I was your age, I'd had one girl hookup and one serious man-relationship. I went through three more serious boyfriends before exploring the other side. You're growing and changing, and you'll figure out what you want. Don't let labels stress you out. That being said, I think bisexual sounds like a safe label. It's cute like Tila Tequilla, my number one hero.
I know it's easier said than done to just go with the flow, and it'll be really strange I know from experience to suddenly start thinking of girls as girlfriends instead of just friends, but have faith that in time, the answers will come. I think I've written a bit on my struggle with this a little bit here and here.
And as far as how to deal with yourself, really try and relax. You're going to figure it out, but in the meantime, just enjoy all the possibilities!
Riese: Word. 'Cause she's so Type A, Haviland's open-mindedness about my bisexuality and "label-free" living is something that really surprised me about her when we first met, and also her attitude really helped me to feel more free spirited than I had before. Now I'm like a bird! Rock out to Ani DiFranco's "In or Out" and let your inner goddess sparkle. That's my blanket advice for everyone actually: listen to Ani and sparkle!