Sunday, July 13, 2008

pre.boat. ... 7-13-2008 ... autographed fun of the day

It wouldn't be a fun-filled stress-free vacation without a few Nth hour Catastrophes -- I write to you in a state of arrested attention which'll ideally be dissolved in 24 hours when I'm floating towards the allegedly breathtaking landscapes of New England and Canada as a bunch o' gays in shorts and matching t-shirts perform highly conceptual parodies of showtunes while dancing in relative unison. I will also, clearly, be blogging, and also -- vlogging. The fact that those verbs have become a real part of my vernacular is either awesome or embarrassing, I can't decide. UPDATE: I have decided -- embarrassing/AWESOME. On the up-side, though I've eaten all the groceries I purchased two weeks ago, I have NOT drunk the wine I purchased two weeks ago. Obviously, I'm taking care of that right now, lest good food/drink go to waste. I've put a photo of my sponsor child above my desk to remind myself how ridiculous I am and that I need to be doing more to save peoples of the world. It's totally working, actually. Also if you haven't watched our advice column vlog yet, you're pretty much gonna be getting fourtunes like "Let's Go: Non Fat Whole Wheat Green Tea" for all your many years of future time in grasshoperworld.

First of all, big news re; The 'Nards
1. My Mom pretty much won the diary contest. She mixed up '06 and '07, but that was clearly a typo (I've fact-checked this w/Mom) 'cause I know she knows which diary entry was from '07, obvs. That's how cool I am you guys, my Mom won the contest. Also, my Mom entered the contest! My Mom is kinda magical.
2. Also my brother Lewnard has started his own blog! He likes to write complaint letters to corporations that let him down, an activity he's been pursuing since the age of 7 or 8, and now he's taking it to the streets with "Memo to the Man." We learned this anti-corporate spirit from our parents, Actual Hippies who eventually saw Lew & us employ their Vietnam Protest chants against their insistence we go to the furniture store (1-2-3-4-We don't want your fucking war = 1-2-3-4 we don't want your furniture store) to watch cardboard televisions while they stared at couches.
3. Next thing you know, Tinkerbell's gonna be getting her own myspace page or hanging out with Barack Obama and Brangelina.
4. OMG!

"Yes we can!"

Madamme Tussuad Loves Tinkerbell

Tinkerbell = Also Having Twins

[Contents of a Dream of Genie, Carla Ganis ]
"I went into a glass maze called the Palace of Mirrors.
I wonder where the dreams I don't remember go.
I do not know what to do with my hands when there is nothing for them to do.
Even though it is never for me,
I always turn around when someone whistles in the street."
-Edouard Levè, from "Autoportrait"

[Defining Madness, by Mary Jo Rosania ]
"Sometimes, if I talked for too long, I'd be yanked beneath, into cold and weedy water.
Down there, I could not see or breathe; I was dragged backward and it wasn't even the submersion that was the worst part, it was that I had to come up again.
My present world was always, in in its mildness, a little disappointing.
I've never since Ault been in a place where everyone wants the same things; minus a universal currency, it's not always clear to me what I myself want. And anyway, no one's watching to see whether or not you get what you're after -- if at Ault I'd felt mostly unnoticed, I'd also, at certain moments, feel scrutinized.
After Ault, I was unaccounted for ... I've never paid close attention to my life or anyone else's as I did then.
How was I able to pay such attention?
I remember myself as often unhappy at Ault, and yet my unhappiness was alert and expectant;
really, it was, in its energy,
not that different
from happiness."

-from "Prep," by Curtis Sittenfeld

Ethan and His Blue Things - -SeeWoo and Her Pink Things
[JeongMee Yoon]
Auto-Fun for the Time Being:

1. An intelligent summary of the last few weeks of automated phun (like "fun" married "phat" and had a ferret) ending with a BANG w/an excerpt from one of my favorite David Foster Wallace essays ever: The Internet and its Enemies (@The National)
2. Really all I can do w/r/t this shared item is quote stef's google reader note on it: "I don't even know what's going ON anymore.": In Which We Recommend You Become a Better Person (@this recording)
3. Biexual Species: Unorthodox Sex in the Animal Kingdom (@scientific american)
4. The life of an artist -- a writer, in fact -- is, just as I suspected, a lot like being a psychiatrist. It's proven here. (@the guardian uk books)
5. Death by Gonzo: Hunter S. Thompson had fear & loathing for, also, himself (@ny mag)
6. Number one feeling: dancing. Number two feeling:is it sexist to be sexy while dancing? (@dance magazine)
7. I think this could also serve as an answer to question 7 in the Junot Dìaz discussion: "How do you win a booker prize?" (Take readers to a faraway place, fyi) (@bbc news entertainment)
8. It almost makes me LOL, how predictable the major news-outlet Web 2.0 stories are ... everyone announcement; last month you wrote about self-indulgent writers, this months you write about asshole commenters ... ooo! Time! You're rarely good at this, so you get to go first. Go!: "Post Apocalypse" (@time)
9. Obama on reading Harry Potter (@motherreader)
10. A woman is dedicating her life to doing everything Oprah recommends for a year. I hope that includes Gayle, just saying. (@chicago tribune)

Insomnia Poem #4: Ode to a Grecian Sutter Home

I used to think pink wine was trashy
I haven't changed my mind
about pink wine
but I've changed my mind
about trashy.

Wine - oh. Wino. Oh!

I'd like to be the wife of bath
leave bubbles in my path
clear like glass, empty and fast
before I sleep
I try to go deep
not sheep
as far away from real as me
so the body gets some sleep

you want to know
why I'm such a parody
it's 'cause people bring out the worst in me
like boyz ii men i'm on bended knee
i can't trust 'cause i see just what i see
like roger rabbit i jump with glee
like jessica rabbit it's not a cartoon, it's me
i mean
you who've drawn mememememe.
your pencil pops bubbles friendships
you prodded, i burst
i mean the general "you."

When I turn off the lights

it gets so dark in here
I was joking about the cave
but not about the emo
I've never seen finding nemo
And I don't want to.

P.S. Also I don't want to see Wall-E. Sorry-e.
P.P.S. I'm listening to Tori Amos.
I don't know why
but I don't care 'cause sometimes I said sometimes
I year your voice and it's been years years

This is a Happy Phantom


dani said...

1. the insomnia poem #4 made me laugh a lot (i don't know if this was your intention...but it rocks)!
2. lewnards blog idea is ridiculous. i'm officially a fan!
3. tinkerbell is on the A-list... and deservedly so!
4. have so much fun on the cruise! can't wait for blogs, vlogs, pictures, poems, tinkerbell!


dani said...

the cruise: forgot to add the done & DONE thing...get drunk and dance and so on...

asher said...

nice job with the tinkerbell photos. was that all you or did you employ the skills of your designer friends?

you even matched the lighting - i'm impressed.

Meghan said...

If only it were a more reasonable hour than 3:51 a.m. and I could read & comprehend & comment upon this hypothetically and probably fantastic blog entry better. Also, the word verification is difficult.

-M- said...

Diary contest - so glad to hear that I'm able to affirm your 'coolness' and my 'kinda magical' all at once. (hmmmm, magical? been called a lot of things, but magical is a new one)
cruise - ::phew:: and without mom making a last minute frantic run to Kinkos!
1-2-3-4 & furniture stores - life lesson #8, never ever underestimate the healing properties of retail therapy.

emb said...

I like the science articles you've suggested recently. The bisexual species piece was really interesting. Have fun on the cruise.

Katelyn said...

Hey Autowin I know this would probably be better to post on Autostraddle, but Papi is returning from the vortex! has her spotted in Vancouver filming scenes for the L word. Thought this might assuage some of your annoyance with the l words obsession with making characters disappear.

oo lynnie oo said...

brill poem by the way. And it looks like tinkerbell has such a fun life!

anywho...looking forward to all the fun cruise type things!!

riese said...

dani - My goal with all my things, poetry included, is to inspire the ppls of the world to LOL! We've already drank, danced, made some memories, and I've been seriously inspired to write some really amazing poetry.

asher - Oh, we totally took Tinkerbell to the wax museum. But don't they all look so lifelike and fabulous!

meghan: judging by the fact that you did log in, you obviously mastered the word veri, and for that, I solute you.

-m-: Hi Mom! magical is our adjective of the moment. I think I'm pretty good at never underestimating the healing powers of retail therapy, thus my visa bill.

emb: I will, and I'm glad you liked it!

katelyn: OMG, I have been really excited about this, I think I have to have a serious contest or something to celebrate Papi's return. I'm already filled full of future faith for next season. I hope they bring back Marc too.

oo lynnie oo: Oh for sure she does, she's a star! I'm going to figureo ut how to use my camera and we're going to make some serious memories and then I'll write a seriously awesome blog all about it.