Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Wednesday Deli Blogging

This Wednesday I am beginning a new feature called "Mr. Deli Calls Automatic Win," in which Mr. Deli (not his real name) will blog about my life from his perspective. This is because I like talking about myself and thinking about myself as much as possible, so having someone else talk/think about me is like, even better, because I don't have to come up with the thoughts myself but I can still, you know, "navel-gaze." (p.s. I have a nice navel.)

Hello, this is Mr. Deli!

I work at the Deli on 106th street with Mr. Deli-2. Mr. Deli-2 smells. Either he does not use deodorant or he uses Toms of Maine, which is not real deodorant (don't kid yourself, you smelly vegan hippies!), but there is nothing I can do about that besides to try to spray him with the Spicy Tabu Perfume we've had sitting on the upper shelf of our behind-the-register shelves since 1975. It gets better with age, just like Mr. Deli 2.

First of all, here is something funny: there are three Maries. Riese 1, Riese 2 and Riese 3.

This is Riese 1. She drinks a lot of coffee and must be the only one in her apartment to stock up on various paper products (e.g. paper towels, t.p.) regularly. She is usually wearing sweatpants that appear to have been slaughtered by a meat cleaver, or sometimes shorts/underwear, and usually also a hoodie to cover up the fact that she is wearing a wifebeater with no bra. I think this is kinda sexy, like "hey, you, I just woke up, what's shakin'" The hat over her head and the smeared eyeliner suggests that she is trying to hide her identity like Nicole Richie in the magazine she stares at but never buys:

This is Riese #2. She is a little unpredictable. Sometimes it is more coffee, but sometimes it is Coca-Cola or a granola bar. She usually looks somewhat presentable.

This is Riese 3. Lately (I think because of PMS) she has been eating a lot of sugar very late at night, e.g. those little sundae cups that I don't think I've ever seen anyone purchase before, and she seems really upset when we don't have any. Luckily we got more in this morning, so she won't have to resort to Push Pops and Snickers Ice Cream Bars, which are advertisements disguised as ice cream. At least that's what her Mom probably used to tell her as a kid while feeding her organic corn-fed gluten-free frozen yogurt. She is usually wearing a variation on outfit 1, but sometimes with jeans instead of sweatpants, or perhaps a bra.

If I could use one word to describe all 3 Maries, it would be "impatient." Sometimes I wonder where is it that she needs to be when three homeless people are trying to buy lottery tickets in front of her?

Sometimes, we tell Marie how much things cost and see if she will pay up even though it's not the real price. Sometimes she seems surprised, but sometimes she just seems drunk.

I just told Mr. Deli 2 what I was doing, and he said that he'd like me to add that--for anyone who is wondering (not you specifically Marie, but you know, just keep it in mind, wink wink, stop it Marie)--please remember that paying for over five dollars of items entirely in coin is "Not OK."


Now that he's gone I can breathe again.

To end today's entry, I'd like to add that I love Marie. She eats a lot of food but still looks good, which is why I love her. I even forgive her for dropping that container of yogurt on the floor and then picking it back up and putting it on the shelf. She thinks I didn't see her, but I did. I am always watching.

As this feature proceeds and I get to know Marie better, I can imagine that I will be able to tell you secrets she doesn't tell anyone, like the confession booth on The Real World, which is my favorite program when I have time to watch TV, which is never.


steph said...

still looks good and always looks good!

marie lyn bernard said...

awww....compliment comments are the best comments ever. i didn't even eat the ice cream sandwich last night, just a bite of it, so it was still there for me this morning! it was so lovely.

Haviland said...

OMG...I feel like you could write this about my tasti d guy, too! I feel like he knows me so well...he knows the flavors i like, the time I usually go, how many punches til I get a free is SO nyc specific and i love it. We all have interesting relationships with our deli guys.

marie lyn bernard said...

Yeah, since mine is right next door, the outfits i literally pull on to visit him are absolutely absurd. like, he's seen me at my ridiculous worst. and for some reason i'm not embarassed about this. like, that if i come in in the morning he'll be like "oh yeah, there's that girl that came in last night drunk off her ass with that other girl....looks like she's a little tired!" or something.

Chelain said...

My deli man is my bank. He gives me money when the ATM machine is down or I don't have $20 in my account to withdraw. I really want that $6.72 that's left in there, dammit.

He's also my hotel-room refrigerator. He gives me all the food and drink I want, but I can (aka have to) pay him later.

steph said...

my deli guy pretends that he doesn't remember i never need a bag. he should be grateful and nice!

Book Cannibal said...

This is a brilliant feature! It reminds me of how I had an account at this Greek deli in Astoria (which seriously took an hour to make sandwiches - but they were great sandwiches, totally worth the wait!) and it was pretty much better than my account at Chase. To the Mr. Delis everywhere: thank you. I love you.

Slinky Redfoot said...

mmm. cooookies...

marie lyn bernard said...

What generous deli men you (Chelain, Cameron) have! Geez.

What an asshole you (Steph) have! Geez.

My Deli man in Brooklyn would NEVER SAY how much stuff costs. I'd always have to go "how much?" and the register was totally hidden so i couldn't see what it said, either. That was the most mistreatment i've had.

I need to estbalish something with this dude for when I go there with two dollars, not thinking that somehow what i decide to get is bound to cost far more.