Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Season 5, Disc 5: The End of my Friendship with Emmet Honeycutt.

OR, The Real Reason why I Won't Let Anyone1 Be my Netflix Friend.

Potential Netflix friend: "Wow, so uh, how's it going with Season Three of The O.C? Three stars, that's it? And only two for Once and Again? I never get any recs from you. I mean--I saw that you've got Just My Luck in your cue--
Me: ThatsforHaviland!!!!
Friend: You really should give Goddard a chance.
Me: Did he write Ally McBeal?
Friend: No, he's French.
Me: Oh yeah, the waiting guy.
"Friend": The what?
Me: You know, "What are you waiting for? We're waiting for Goddard--"
[Friend punches me in the face with North by Northwest, which p.s., I hated but not as much as I hated Citizen Kane. I mean, it's no West Wing.]

Some of my favorite inventions of the last ten years, as you may or may not already know, include: Easy-Mac, ipods and Seasonal Affective Disorder. But one of the really big ones is TV-on-DVD. Like how you can watch an entire season of a show in two days, depending on how big of a loser you are how bad your insomnia is. Your gumption for this project is also closely related to your general ability to handle the following conversation:

Co-Worker (let's call him Milton): Hey mister, you look like total crap! You must have had quite a crazy night last night, huh, playa?
You: Oh, no, it's Ted who has the Crystal Meth problem. He really hit rock bottom last night.
Milton: Geez, that must have been some party. Meth! Geez!
You: Party?
Milton: Yeah, with uh---Ted?
You: Oh, no. Ted lives in Pittsburgh.
Milton: You went to Pittsburgh last night? You ARE a PLAYA!
You: No, I was in bed eating string cheese and push pops. And watching TV--well--not TV exactly, it's actually on DVD that I get from Netflix--but it's like--very real to me, you know?
Milton: (laughs like you just made a joke) Did you even brush your hair today?
You: (grab co-worker by the hair, kick him in the balls) Say NO TO PROPOSITION 14, BITCH!

Basically, I'm on the last disc of the Queer as Folk series and I consider these boys to be my friends. I have only one episode left. What will i do without my boys? I've been known to anticipate going home after a mediocre night out, expecting to chill with Brian Kinney and Mel+Linds. They have invaded my consciousness. Hour-long television dramas were not designed to be watched all in a row. Doing so can cause bad things, like confusing my actual family with The Fishers from Six Feet Under or confusing our actual government with Jeb Bartlett's White House on The West Wing. Which has it's benefits.

My old roommate, Lo, was a master of rationing episodes of television shows, which she often watched twice (once with commentary, once without) to extend the pleasure. I have no such self-discipline.

Ok, there are three different types of TV shows you can watch on DVD:

"I've never seen this show, but it's still on."
e.g. The O.C, Nip/Tuck, Grey's Anatomy, The L Word, Lost, Gilmore Girls
Benefits: When you are out of DVDs, you know that a new season of new episodes will arrive on your television set within a few months. The stories are still progressing. Nate has not died yet. Life stretches before you: glorious, promising, beautiful.
Drawbacks: The pace of the show as it unfolds on actual television will feel like you are on Weight Watchers and whereas you used to eat the entire pizza in one sitting, now you can only have one piece a week, and that's not a lot of calcium, and you're a growing boy, etc. After my relationship with Shane progressed so rapidly during Krista and I's week-long L Word Season One marathon, Season Two felt like slow water torture.

"I never saw this show when it was on, and now it's over."
e.g. Sex and the City, Queer as Folk, The West Wing, Dawson's Creek, Six Feet Under, Party of Five.
Benefits: You've got so much episode backstock that you're bound to get at least a 1-2 month relationship with these people. For a sucessful network show, like Dawson's Creek or Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you've got several months of escapism on your hands. And it's so sweet, like candy from a baby.
Drawbacks: The story is over. Nate has already died. Jen died too. Everyone is dead. Or married. Or like, moving. Somewhere. To sad music. Usually you also like, already know what happened, too, which kinda spoils it. Or makes it better, like knowing that Justin and Brian would eventually get married enabled me to make it through the rough spots of their relationship without panic.

"I never saw this show when it was on. Actually, no one did really. So it got canned."
Once and Again, Freaks and Geeks, Wonderfalls, My So Called-Life
Benefits: Access to the complete series means you can pace yourself appropriately, there is also rarely a wait. If it had a good run, you've got some time with the people.
Drawbacks: Shows that have been unceremoniously canceled usually don't have that grand hoo-hah known as the "Season Finale," which is when everything that would have ruined the show and made it boring in Season Two gets to happen to let us all end happy, or when someone dies from licking envelopes.

Moral: Jordan never really figured out how to read, and Brian never got laid, but at least they never died.

1: While living with Lo, she became my Netflix friend. Recently Janet made the same request. So, you know, there's that. Luckily, for every foreign black-and-white film, one of them gets the entire first season of Ally McBeal or, you know, Firm Up with Weights. But I'm not naming names. I'm just sayin'.


haviland said...

In the insomnia that the MIZ has further induced (all night hearing "you at the barricades listen to THIS!!!") I have watched 7 episodes of My So-Called Life in the past 3 days...

noxious said...

I completely agree. I love TV shows on DVD! So addicting. "What did you do this summer?" "I watched The Sopranos & The Gilmore Girls & South Park & Sex and the City & Friends & The Simpsons & Futurama all the way through like a zillion times...."

marie lyn bernard said...

I think we were trained for this in youth by MTV, which did nothing but show marathons of the five original programs it had rights to for the first 18 years of our lives, maybe?

I forgot Degrassi. Dammit.

marie lyn bernard said...

ammendment: that's the first 10 years for you, rachel, my young'n

jenna said...

sometimes, marie, you speak to me. hah.

my tv on dvd addiction is out of control. i now own my so-called life, all six seasons of dawson's creek, two seasons of arrested developement, the complete series of sex and the city, which i call the bible, and all three seasons of the L word (i don't have showtime, and waiting for season 3 to FINALLY come out on dvd so i can morn the loss of dana, was killing me. so my boyfriend downloaded the entire season and put it on a dvd for me), on dvd

sometimes... i won't leave the house for days at a time. sigh!

marie lyn bernard said...

Oh Jenna! "The L Word: Season 3" (the season that began in glory and hot sex and ended with ghosts in waterfalls, hetero sex and illogical wedding plans) came out October 24th. My copy, is of course, in the mail.

Where did he download it?

amish said...

I'm with you on "I've never seen this show, but its still on."

I started watching 24 at the start of the 4th season. At the same time, my roommates and I bought the previous three seasons to catch up, giving us 72 (24 x 3) hours of the show to watch in addition to the season actively airing.

Talk about overload. Of course we busted our nut way too soon and finished Seasons 1-3 with plenty of Season 4 left to go. Dropping from 10+ episodes a week to just 1 made

Drawback for all types of shows on DVD: watching multiple seasons worth in less time than an actual season destroys all time reference. Its harder to remember which story happened in which season.

Watching multiple seasons/storylines at once is pure mindfuck.

marie lyn bernard said...

I did that with 'Six Feet Under.' I got so fucking confused, watching Season Five once a week while catching up on seasons 1-3 (four wasn't out yet, further enhancing my level of complete confusion and mindfuckedness) every goddamn day. I imagine it's even harder with a show like 24, which I believe is um--really like, related to the concept of time, like, itself?

steph said...

i wish Rocko's Modern Life would come out on dvd. it was the best Nicktoon EVER. maybe Doug was next before it went Disney

Bill from Gainesville said...

I feel like I have to introduce myself, even though I fully understand in the blog world I could probably just say what I am gonna say ..but my name is Bill and I check in on your blog a couple of times a week, anyways, I think you are funny ... sometimes even more so then other times ... (see I stole that right from you to compliment you with your own funniness )-- but anyways, Here is my thing with t.v. shows on DVD's -- I did not watch entourage for the first 3 seasons, then caught an episode from season 3 by accident, and got hooked, I went to the dvd place to get the first two seasons and for some reason, they have not put season one out? the missing first season is out there , but now that I watched the full second season on dvd and the last season as it aired, I almost would feel bad going all the way back to season one. please advise .......

Z. Madison said...

MLB - Once again, you amaze. I'm currently wrapping up a Lost Season 2 Netflix blitz and feel like I'm going to go into withdrawl watching Season 3 play out, twitching for the "With Commentary" speakovers.

marie lyn bernard said...

Ok I just finished...and um: brian and justin didn't get married! I feel so cheated. Sad, lost, confused...

S: omg, i liked that show. i related to him somehow.

Z: I haven't done Lost might be next...?! sounds boring but apparently it's the best show ever?

Bill: hello and welcome to the show. i would suggest you join netflix. there is an introductory 'deal' which you could utilize to watch the first season of entourage on dvd and then cancel immediatly following the finish of your entorouge watching spree. According to

The first season is indeed out on DVD. Which brings me to my second suggestion: Move out of Florida. Short of that, I'd also suggest ordering the DVD from I am not being paid to tell you this, I am telling you because the fact that you introduced yourself is kinda the cutest thing ever.

curly sue

Anonymous said...

I try to be optimistic in life, but sometimes it is a struggle when I am reminded that there really are people in this world who do not hate Citizen Kane.