Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Magazine is OUT and I Just Had to Laugh, I Saw the Photograph

So, it's on the newsstands. At least in NYC.

1. It features possibly one of the worst photographs of me ever taken, rivaling the one in Disneyworld where I'm wearing a Buzz Lightyear hood (see photo, right), but at least that was supposed to be ironic.

2. My exes, on the other hand, look fucking amazing.

3. Why do my exes look so hot? Because I'm the "open-minded dater" who goes for "really pretty people who are all wrong for me." Yep. Yeah. That's me. And by "that's me," I mean, "When the fact-checker asked me to verify that quote, I told her no. No verification on that sucker. I did NOT say that."

3a. It's possible that I did say something like that, but I didn't mean it, I was probs just quoting Krista, who once said, not even seriously, "You like beautiful idiots," referring to M---y and J----h and no one else. Also, J wasn't an idiot, he just wasn't an intellectual, but he wasn't wrong for me, just not right, which maybe means I'm an idiot? I dunno, he was nice to me.

I don't date pretty people who're all wrong for me. I mean, that's just not true. And if I did, I'd tell myself to cut it out, like, now.

3b. I totally love Virginia (who wrote the article) and absolutely trust that she passed on the correct information to the you know, higher-ups, esp. 'cause she showed me the info she had and I signed off on it.

So I'm not blaming her, I'm blaming, um, urm, hm ... the Paraphrasing department? Whatever it was that I possibly said, I totally took it back during the fact-checking "process." Especially since all my hot dumb exes aren't even in this story! (They can't read, so I know they aren't reading this. And if they are--Jordan Catalano, I always knew you could read if you just tried really hard! )

[That's a joke, fact-checker.]

4. Hey, fact-checker: your ass is grass.

4a. Here's a fact for ya': I hear they're hiring at Duane Reade.

4b. (I'm just kidding, I love you. This's all in good fun. MC is still in my top five favorite magazines.)

5. I checked on the fact "Marie is cool." Turns out that she is. Thus, I present, the improved version. The photograph is more recent. You may think it is of a different person. No, it's not. It's me. In both photos. It's just that in the published photograph, I look like a douchebag.

The Original:

The Improved Version:

6. The only awesome thing about this article is that they describe Marc as "a Republican with a penchant for Ben Affleck movies." HA! Sorry, buddy. (P.S. Your photo is hot!! Wanna hook up? We could rent Gigli and make out? JK Denise, he's all yours. Happy engagement! Good luck finding things to talk about!)

Also, they selected some absolutely hideous photograph of John and I in San Francisco which they've cut John out of (??) and labeled: Bernard's San Francisco treat? An invisible ex.

Seriously, I could make fun of that, but I don't think I even have to.


Lauren said...

Oh Marie-B,
Little did I know that when I ran all the way home from "Bedford Exotics" with the September Marie Claire clutched in my sticky fingers (I was at Tasty D prior to seeing the new cover and screaming like a school girl) that it would bring you so much angst and frustration and result in harsh Duane Reade insults hurled at an innocent fact checker.
But innocent is that fact checker, really? And how dare Marie Claire chose a picture of you that isn't the most flattering of the ones we supplied? That doesn't exhibit your smokin hot self? They picked my least favorite too and smashed my head into an "ex" box and my curls are akwardly framing my seemingly long face instead of bouncing about as usual. Ugh. Let's protest outside the Hearst building. Then go to a burlesque show and make out.

Haviland said...

WOW. First, the pic is cute. SECONDLY, that's the LAST thing I would ever say about you and, wha??? Clearly I'm rushing to a newstand, so I can talk to fellow americans in the courthouse today about mc. And justice. And whatever.

Cameron said...

Um, I actually like the picture they picked. You just look really wholesome, and well-adjusted, which isn't really accurate, but whatever. Wholesome chicks with midwest farm backgrounds can be hot too! Also, thank god I made you curl both sides of your hair for the photo shoot...

marie lyn bernard said...

Oh my god, I almost forgot about the hair debacle. perhaps that's the problem.


Hav, remember when I said I just needed an outfit that made me look as skinny as possible? And then they go crop it out of the goddamn photo.

Yeah, I know about the quote. It should say: "My friends say I tend to go for pretty people when I'm looking for an NSA hookup buddy, and then I freak out if there's any hint of it blossoming into an actual relationship, which is perhaps why when I do have relatiosnhips, I do them with people who don't like relaitonships to save myself from ever taking the concept of relationships seriously." But that's not such a good soundbyte.

i wanna be in an Ex Box.

Lizzie said...

I'm going to buy it right now-ish. So, how is it that I know two people in two different magazines right now, and yet I myself am not in a magazine, this or any month? If I know such fabulous people, isn't that a testament to my own fabulosity, and why is such fabulosity not enough for me to be in Marie Claire or Vanity Fair? wtf?

marie lyn bernard said...

Who was in Vanity Fair?!!