Thursday, October 18, 2007

Great Mysteries of Life Ctd.: Oh And I'm Feeling Directionless Yes But That's To Be Expected

Speaking of great mysteries in life I don't understand, the cashier at the Fredrick Douglass Avenue Dunkin' Donuts -- who, in case you're wondering, and I think you are, sported an unzipped fly, appeared approximately 100 years old and was possibly drunk [he smelled strongly of something sweet and rotten] -- just requested ID when I paid for my iced coffee with a gift card. This has never happened before, and if it had, I would have been similarly confused/suspicious about Big Brother.

Me: "Why do you need my ID? That's a gift card."
Him: "We must always ask for ID in these matters--" [Holds up gift card as if to physically demonstrate the meaning of "these matters," which I guess is "matters of plastic."]
Me: "I mean, I have ID, I just don't understand what you need it for. My name's not on that card, so like, it's not like you need to match me to the gift card. Anyone could use it and it would be legal. It's a gift card."
Him: [looking at the card more closely] "I see." [thinks again] "No, we must always ask for ID in these matters."
Me: "Like, what are you going to prove about my ability to use that gift card by looking at my ID? I have one, I just don't understand the point."
Him: [apparently resigned that I'm not handing over the ID, possibly already thinking about his next drink/masturbation session] "It is just our policy on these matters."
Me: "Well, I really don't get it, so ..."


[Stand-off continues. My iced coffee waits for me, untouched, tantalizing and then ...]

[His co-worker/drinking buddy says something to him in another language which I assume translates to "You are wrong, asshat," because my Robert Murdoch-y Cashier resigns and scans my card sans ID. Also, I think I should make a little Dictaphone and just record myself saying "No Sugar," and then I can play it for the goldfish at D2 every day when they ask "No sugar?" and I respond, yes, that's right, "No sugar."]
I thought I had like ten million "mysteries of life I don't understand," but I realised upon sitting down to write this that I just had a lot of miscellaneous petty complaints about life's small tragedies that I wanted to complain about to as many people as possible. I asked around to jog my mind, and here's what I got.

Crystal's Great Mysteries:

Re: Why does the fire alarm in my building only go off on certain floors? Like, surely you'd evacuate the whole building.
It's natural selection, I think. Probs they get rid of the people who use their powers for evil instead of good.

Re: Why won't Qantas fly me from Vegas to New York?
Why won't Qantas fly me everywhere? If they flew me everywhere, I wouldn't be afraid of planes.

Re: Why, after years of continual typing, am I still a retardedly slow typer?

That is weird.

Re: Why do people keep calling my phone even when I never answer?

I could not possibly "totes" this answer more than I already do. TOTES. I wish I knew, but I think it has something to do with bills and a dead body.

Re: Why do people always try to talk to me when I'm trying to enjoy a cigarette?

People are annoying and weird and assume people would rather talk than do just about anything else there is, that's why we've created g-chat and such, so that we can be chatting all the time with other humans. I don't know I think it's because people don't know how to deal with being needy. That's a long answer. I wish people wouldn't try to talk to me when I'm trying to enjoy a book or an ipod or a fake usage of phone.

Lozo's Great Mysteries:

Re: Why do girls care so much about eyelashes? Thickness? Length? Eyelashes aren't penises. Are they?
I think there's a subtle effect of mascara that you're failing to notice. Also they are penises. That's how gay people do it. Like butterflies.

Re: Why are there signs on the highway that say, "speed checked by radar"? What the fuck else would you check it with? Is that supposed to scare me into slowing down?
I realise I've literally always assumed there was some other method I just hadn't noticed before. Like, "Oh, by radar, cool, not that other thing, totes." 'Cause otherwise that'd be totes retarded, which clearly they are. Maybe it's because of radar guns.

Re: Why do they put cereal in boxes? They put chips in bags, can't they put Cheerios in bags?
This convo led to me discovering Lozo cares about the rainforest, it was strange.

Lainy's Great Mysteries:

Re: Why do I keep smoking even though it makes me feel like shit and I know it's killing me?
I feel like I can describe most of my life's activities as things that make me feel like shit, things that're killing me. There must be a patch for this or something, a different way to get the same drug, a change in method.

Re: Why do I break electronics so easily?
I tell myself that it's not me, it's the electronics. Headphones are the new crack.

Re: Why do I say the most inappropriate things to the most inappropriate people but with people I care about I oftentimes am shy?
It's what's at stake.

Re: Why do I like to stay up late even though I enjoy the morning?
I was just asking myself the same question. Maybe we really like all the parts of the day, every single hour, all of it, all of it, the hours, the hours.

And now ... My Great Mysteries!

What happens on my street every morning at 8:21 A.M.?
It's like a honkers convention, where all the cars in the city drive to my street and make sure their horns are working properly. Like, let's test them out doing a variety of long beeps and short beeps, all at once, good, again. That sound has awoken me from slumber for the past three days, it's unbearable, though it gets me out of bed early. But first I lie there, half-asleep and annoyed, fantasising about leaning out my window and dropping large rocks on people. Who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear, they just beep and crash.
Am I Hungry?
Sometimes I can answer this. Sometimes, it is pure mystery, because it is a kind of wanting and wanting is mystery.
How Did I Just Get Two Bug Bites? WTF? THREE!!
Why do people put songs that play automatically on their MySpace profiles?

In what circumstance would I think "Oh, thank G-d for that song that just started auto-playing on top of the music I'm already listening to! Your song and my song together equals the best song I've ever heard." You know? Put a player I can opt into employing, but making "Gimme Gimme" auto-start is not gonna make me give you jackshit, no custody, no nothing woman, no-thing. Not a thing, you hear me? Especially if you've already got a lot of other things going on on your profile. This is why I like facebook better, because myspace makes my computer explode.
Also, on the topic of myspace, what the f is up with those ads?
Srsly, any humans who'll cop to exclaiming: "OMG! I totally know the answer to this pop quiz, it's Jennifer Aniston!" and rushing to click the ad or "I know New York's real name! Totes! Free iPod here I come!" I guess you'll need a free laptop after yours melts following the virus that ad clearly leads to. There's an asterik, even, qualifying that the ad won't do what it promises. I thought myspace advertising space was really expensive, so I'd just expect higher standards from it's advertisers.
I guess I don't know the answer to that one. Usually they're pretty obvious. They're clearly targeting a demographic of people who watch that show, which as far as I know, doesn't include very many smart people. Like "Two and a Half Men," if they were like: WHICH OF THE MEN IS ONLY A HALF? I'd be like "DURRR."
How do all these terrible television shows get greenlighted?

This upcoming television season, which I know about because I sometimes read retarded magazines and am intrigued by the consistently ridiculous things that happen in the same world that like, invented trees and other really neat things, features many programs that are not necessarily worse than root canals. Like, for example:

-"Carpoolers" -- in which four douchebags sit inside a car driving to work and bitch about their wives. Like, really? That's typically the kind of thing I'd avoid being anywhere near, let alone turning on my television with the express intent to view for 22 minutes.
-"Cavemen" -- Based on those commercials that apparently everyone loved but I found intensely annoying. About what it's like to be an "outsider." You know, as a modern caveman, like Encino Man, great film. It sounds to me a lot like a show about what it's like to look like a douchebag.
-"Life is Wild" -- They advertise during 'Gossip Girl,' it looks like a bunch of douchebags running around in the jungle.

Who wants to be on television talk shows or reality dating shows? How could that possibly make life better? [Unless you're America's Next Top Model. Then you can live your life as a Cover Girl, which is awesome, it covers 85% of lines and has a smooth sheer finish.]

Who says, "OMG, I am so glad I ran around naked on television hitting my ex-husband's wife's lesbian lover's stepdaughter's aunt who's really my transsexual wife with a folding chair, that was so healthy, ever since I got back to Greenbo everyone's been recognising me at the Stop & Shop."

Or: I'd rather not compete with one girl over a girl I like, let alone an entire house-full of people competing for the girl I like.

Sooooo ... guess what?! I've been invited to appear on "The Tyra Banks Show"! I'm guessing they messaged every twentysomething bisexual on MySpace though it's highly possible I was hand-picked because clearly, I'm a shooting star and the camera loves me. The guy explained that they're seeking "a really fun and energetic Bi Woman" to go out with one girl and one guy. Apparently, this is a "social experiment" to "observe the differences between a woman on a date with a woman, and a man on a date with a woman." Really Papi? He's coming right out and admitting that's the point? 'Cause there's no way I'd actively contribute to perpetuating negative and counterproductive stereotypes about bisexuality, although also, I kinda would: I'd hope to trick them, turn it around. But they'd probs find a way to edit out my clever wisdom -- so --- back to no. But also, is this how she recruits girls for ANTM, "We'd like to break you into a million pieces, trap you in a house with a bunch of hyperactive anorexic loons and convince you that developing a signature walk and embodying the spirit of a desert flower or a crime scene is the most important thing you've done your whole goddamn life, then edit you to appear as insane and ugly as possible, and then -- in a matter of months, the entire world can watch your rejection on teevee!"

The financial compensation the Tyra Banks Show offfers is paying for the date. P.S., Tyra, I think you can afford a little more than that. Also, that surprises me, I think they'd be desperately interested in who might pay for dinner, the man on a date with a woman or the woman on a date with a woman. Like, as a social experiment.

Last year, following my appearance in a Marie Claire dating article [I was pictured as the "open minded dater" = laughably false], The Keith Ablow Show, which hadn't yet aired, asked me to come on. Not my thing, but also I was scared it'd be a trick like those shows often are. So I was like "No way, weirdo, I'm not gonna walk into that trap! I'll go out there all proud w/my gender theory, and you'll shove someone from high school who wants me dead in my face, or I'll be sitting next to my grandmother."

I think most gay women in NYC got the Tilla Tequilla casting call -- come live in a mansion with a Maxim model and 13 other hot lesbians, it's the first lesbian dating show ever!--obvs it was a trick.
Does anyone really ever get Toxic Shock Syndrome?
I used to be really scared of this when I first read about it.


Why does everyone in my neighborhood walk so slow?
I feel like Roadrunner when walking down 125th. I swear, no one else on the street has anywhere to be at all whatsoever like, ever. I just figure, I'm going, I may as well go fast. That's why they call me Flash Gordon.
These are the problems, as I see them:
1. An abundance of strollers and "walkers." I think everyone in this 'hood either has three babies or is almost dead and deaf in both ears. Howevs, I'd like to add that we could all move a lot faster if more people opened doors for strollers and walkers and if more people helped old ladies across the street. Seriously, I feel like I help a lot of lunatics cross 125th, I cannot continue to carry the whole team.
2. A plethora of street salesmen hawking wares including DVDs about the apocalypse and large photographs of Erykah Badu and slave executions and Urban Lit. I support the Urban Lit, but the rest of it can go, except the coffee guy.
3. We just need a greater sense of urgency cultivated in this 'hood, or more space between street-vendors and the street for someone to do the I-live-here-street-walk. Also, perhaps there could be hoverboards like in Back to the Future, I feel like we've totes passed whenever all that stuff was supposed to happen, what crap.


Why isn't there a way to search for random word frequency?
Like, I want something to search my documents and tell me if I'm using any particular word too much or more than once. Does this exist? I'm not asking to search for a specific word, I just want it to look at a document and be like "you used the word 'enable' 15 times." "You used totes 500 times." "You talk about Haviland too much."


Why am I like, how I am?

Angela: Why are you like this?
Jordan: Like what?
Angela: Like, how you are.
(My So-Called Life)

I mean, seriously. I guess that's what this blog is about, but also in doing that, I hope to write about why you're like, how you are too. You know? A few months ago we had mice, and Roommate-Ryan put out these no-kill mousetraps that mice can sometimes get out of and asked me You think they'll fall for it, don't they know better by now? They'd just keep going back to the same situation? And I was like, yeah, they would, I mean, you shouldn't ask me, of all people, to say they wouldn't run right in there, all earnest about peanut butter. In the morning, I sometimes lie there for a second wondering if I remember how to breathe, if it's smooth sailing from here on out, cool customer, congruent, catastrophic, sweet like memory and words and hands, my lungs open, I grasp through the dark.

What should we Vlog about?
Haviland and I are going to do more vlogs, since it was superfun. Howevs, we need you to tell us what to talk about or ask us questions. This is a Great Mystery of Life, and I want you to help me to understand. See, you help me, we make jokes, and then in China, a butterfly flaps it's wings and saves a village of children, who were hungry but now are not. It's magic. Like Puff. The Magic. Dragon. Sometimes, I wonder, why don't I just write stuff down here that I shouldn't say? Like what is it that creates the decency between my brain and my methods of communicating how my brain is operating? Will it die before I do? I admire it, it is stronger than me, I am grateful it exists. There are so many words I want to say but until I say them, they aren't real. I say a lot of words, so it's the ones I restrain from vocalizing or writing that astound me the most, at the end of the day.

So what should Haviland and I Vlog about? Topics. Email, comment, whatevs. Just throw out a topic if you want to and have one. Any topic or question. We've already used "football" and "blow jobs," so none of that.



The Spaz said...

How did I ever get the first comment? I think its a miracle.

Its sad that I don't have anything clever to ask for your vlog...

Do you guys ever watch old movies? If so what're your favorites?

P.S. Feel free to sing some more Haviland ;)

Jo said...

Someone needs to invent and market quality, but cheap, headphones. I end up needing new ones every two months or so, but since I know I'm gonna need new ones in a matter of months, I just buy the cheapest ones I see. And the evil cycle repeats.

I hate myself for knowing New York's real name (it's Tiffany, fyi)

Lozo said...

the "." key and the "b" key are nowhere near the "%" key, nor does the "shift" key ever come into play when typing out my url.

therefore, i am adding "how the percent sign got into my url" to my great mysteries list.

Jo said...

Oh, and as far as great mysteries of life, the one thats really pissing me off right now is:

How the hell am I supposed to get the job experience employers want me to have before hiring me if no one will give me a job to gain experience, because I don't have any job experience?

Lozo said...

i just now read this. tyra banks? hilarious. make sure you tell her she's fat for me!

Razia said...

Re: Why do I still smoke even though its horrid etc etc?

Because when you quit you will have sore throats, head aches, chronic tiredness, lack of concentration and nausea. Like I am having right now. It hurts to read but here I am reading and commenting.

That could be a topic idea: Things I'd Keep Doing, Even If It Hurt.

ie. read good blogs while detoxing off nicotine or maybe ex-sex

Crystal said...

I had no idea you were actually going to post those, reading it made me feel like I should have applied myself a little more.

I don't know how I feel about your natural selection theory - I'm one of those people who don't get evacuated from the building. I'm also one of those people who has their myspace player on auto-play. Maybe those two things are somehow related. The latter is a narcissistic coolness thing.

Alex Vega said...

ahh my first ever comment to your blogger (not counting The L Word one...) how exciting!

So, first of all, New York's real name is Tiffany. I know this because I'm probably black. Fuck, too bad Jo already beat me to this...

Also, can we make an exception for my myspace auto-play song? It's Britney Spears (remember, leave her alone,) and who wouldn't want to hear "It's Britney, bitch" upon seeing my face? :)

Suggestion for yours and Havilands vlog:
make. out.
(if not for me, then for the Lozo... but really for me.)

alex vega said...

yes, i said THE lozo

riese said...

the spaz: Little miracles happen every day, it's one of life's great mysteries/miracles.
jo: I do the exact same thing. But if it's any comfort to yah, I tried to break the cycle by splurging on nice headphones and they didn't last that much longer.
lozo: Good question. It's fixed now, but even before when I hovered over the link, the URL came up as "" without the percentage -- when I clicked, the percentage appeared. So really your question is: why is blogger so retarded? Sometimes when I re-publish, they insert a random URL into my title. They have issues with html.
jo: Totes feel you and have no clue how. I think you're supposed to know someone who knows someone, that's the only way.
lozo: Ha, maybe I should do it, just to be like "Hey I have a message from Lozo, you're fat." "And a message from me: I despise almost everything about you, Ty-Ty, but you are not fat."
razia: I think "things I keep doing, even if it hurt" are one of Hav&I's most frequent normal conversation topics. Hm. You know, like the l word. That detox sounds harsh, you should have a cigarette.
crystal: It is a narcissistic coolness thing. If you can admit that, play away. It makes more sense to me when it's a song I may not've heard before, that someone's forcing me to listen to and appreciate, but like, srsly I can live without 'Temperature' playing again.

Hm. Maybe they're assuming you'll be in the elevator, on a different floor, hanging out, when the alarm goes off.

I need more narcissistic coolness.
the vega: It is exciting. The only thing that could make it more exciting is if your comment was in meta-font. So much excitement, really, this early in the morning.

Anyhow, yeah, totes good idea re: making out, but only because it's for you. Then we can print the screencap on mugs. Even better, we should have a series where we make out with different girls.

After writing that paragraph, I'm not certain if I've just suggested something better or worse for our public image than The Tyra Banks Show.

I'm going to look at your myspace profile and if it makes my computer explode, you owe me a flash animated interactive scissor kicking visually dynamic super graphic. BRB.

riese said...

OK, it doesn't auto-play, so you're still a rockstar, totes. all clear.

goneundercover said...

Thanks for mentioning the myspace profile song! I completely forgot I had one since I've also been opting for facebook. Sorry if you were a victim. I did it on a whim even after being annoyed by other people's songs; it was totally an act of aggression! I no longer need that as a source of fulfillment.

You and Haviland should discuss your plan to take over the world. If it's not too top secret.

Jaime said...

omg - "Re: Why are there signs on the highway that say, "speed checked by radar? what the fuck else would you check it with?" Is that supposed to scare me into slowing down?"

Have you never seen speed checked by AIRCRAFT? Most fantastic road-side signage in the world, I think. And also obviously a total lie.

rk said...

why are my trousers either too short or too long? (why) do people still wear casio baby-g watches? and why do they beep annoyingly every full hour? what is the mystery of "sound of music"?

stef said...

new york's real name is tiffany.

i mean... FUCK.
i'm really smart. i promise. i just really like flavor of love and all its spin-offs (except hers, but like, charm school? how can you DENY that?). it validates ME.

i had questions, but i feel like they can all be answered in two words: murphy's law.

stef said...

ooooh i should read the other comments first, as usual i have been bested by alex vega AND jo. ah well.

Rhee said...

Even tho Tila Tequila is hot, the show is trashy...but I love it! Who wouldn't want to watch a hot bunch of Lesbians make out with her, and piss of all the jerk-off guys??

Shame you don't want to be a gunie pig for Tyra, maybe she'd give you good publicity for your writing/blog. Idk?

MoonKiller said...

I hate it when people mess you around when your trying to get coffee. It's like I just want my coffee please and thank you, make Rhian wait and Rhian'll make you bleed. It doesn't help that they're all like Russian and don't understand what your saying they're all 'Do want any space in your coffee?' and then obvs I'm like 'Noooo' and they come back with 'So, space yes?'

I ask myself 'Why do people call me when I never answer?' I only answer to family members and Beci and Sid and they know only to call me in emergencies.

I have some questions:

Why do kids below the age of 14 make so much noise in the mornings?

Why is my respose to everything these days 'shut it, you pain in the pelvis'?

And, why do people put bacon in my cheeseburger when I ask for no bacon?

And Vlog topics...umm...musicals? everyone loves a good musical. and Serious situations were random uses of the words 'shoe', 'minge' and 'crabsuckles' can make it amusing. I had a conversation about it earlier and it was highly entertaining, but thats because I'm young and immature. (y).

cait said...

I would like to meet a person who sees that ad on myspace and is like omg I am sooo gonna win an ipod! I have lots of questions for him/her.

I had a friend who was super para about TSS, we looked it up, no one gets it anymore, it was a 70's-80's thing apparently... just fyi

asher said...

"That's how gay people do it. Like butterflies."

1) that was brilliant.
2) New York's real name is Tiffany.
3) Rebecca from Tila Tequila eerily reminds me of a black Heather Matarazzo.

that is all.

basia said...

i think the key to quitting smoking is to do it at a time when you really hate yourself. coz then all the wretched physical feelings just match the wretched way u already feel inside, and you're like, 'yeah, it feels like death but that's how i wanna feel right now'. at least that's how i did it.

ps. i think u should vlog about lozo's unhealthy sexual obsession with kelly clarkson, which he so obviously tries to suppress through reaction formation. i think the cure is to tie him up and have haviland sing kelly clarkson to him until the chains of denial fall about his feet... and thus he shall be freed.

LainyRae said...

i'm pretty sure I have a picture of you and Hav making out at some point... Wait! It's on a video camera!! Remember that?? hahaha. It's already vlogged.

i should really compile a series of pictures of all of my friends kissing different people.

maybe i take too many pictures.

ps - thanks for the hints re: quitting smoking... i'll have to try them sometime.

LMC said...

I, too, prefer Facebook. MySpace gives me such a headache. It's like there's too much freedom to be creative, and some people just were not meant to have that freedom, because what they create is a HORRIBLE mess, and how can you tell them their taste/design sucks, because they are your friend? Ahem.

See, I would probably be willing to be exploited/perpetuate stereotypes if it meant I got to meet Tyra. I have an unhealthy fascination for her. I don't like her, really, I'm just... the way her mind works... and her weaves... and her diction... she fascinates me.

Anonymous said...

Mystery: Why do people break the speed limit driving to work? No one wants to be there

VLOG topic: If you had to lose one of the five senses which would it be?

Oo Lynnie oO said...

vlog topics:
-how excited are you for Britney Spears' new cd?!
-upcoming holidays (Halloween and thanksgiving...obvs)
-speaking of Halloween, do u enjoy it? like being scared? have any fav scary movies?
-why is it so hot? i hate global warming :( ...i want my brisk autumn winds!

...and that is all

riese said...

riese: I wish someone told you why you have the bug-bites. Can mosquitos enter through screen windows?


steph: I considered doing the same thing once as an act of aggression, but then decided I'd be more fulfilled by whining about it on my blog ... Haviland and I's plan to take over the world is so top secret, we don't even know it yet ... it'll fo-sho involve omegabrite.


jaime: In Ohio! They totes have those in Ohio, 'cause when we go to Ohio, it's always like 'Hey kids, do not speed because of the helicopters." And I'm like "OK, totes." Then I'm like "I can't wait to get to Cedar Point! Wheeee!"


rk: Mine are always too short. always too short. I want to know why something always beeps every hour. Like, something, you know? Always something.


stef: I can deny all kinds of things.

I agree about Murphy's Law. That's what my Mom always said. She didn't always say it when it was appropriate, but she said it like, often.


rhee: I love it too, I'm not gonna lie. Though I've only seen the second half of the first episode, I can't sit down and watch it, but I'm sure I'll catch more at the gym and my delight will only increase.

That's a good point about the blog and Tyra. Huh. But also, she probs wouldn't use my real name or like, give my URL. If she read my blog, she'd see that I've loathed her ever since she kicked off Kim.

I guess it never occurred to me to say "yes." It was a knee-jerk "no obvs."


moonkiller: The guy who was there when I was just there was:
1) Wearing an upside down nametag
2) must have waited on me at least 300 times before, yet still .. "no sugar?" I mean, if I wanted sugar, I would've said so right? Why would I keep that a secret?
It's sorta like they've already decided what we want, and they're going to give it to us regardless.

The rest I will save for the Vlog.


Cait: Yeah, I know right? I have a lot of questions for him/her too, including "So, how's that ipod? Oh wait, you didn't win one, sucker."
Thanks for the TSS update, v. useful for the next time I head into Hour 9, due to coma.


asher: I feel like everyone on that show has a name that ends with an "A." Which is saying that I don't remember who Rebecca is, I just remember the annoying girl with the big blonde hair and the boobs.


basia: I totally agree. I mean, I've never quit smoking, but I've been in states like that where I was like "I may as well quit ____ now." Then I'd start feeling better or something and not do it. That's how I stopped taking Wellbutrin. I was like "misery, I love you!" and decided to stay that way.

Good idea, re: kelly. You had me at "tying him up."


lainy: Obviously I totally have zero memory of these photographs or videos of which you speak. You have a video camera? Have I been that drunk all this time? I'm not doubting this possibility.

Re: the series of pictures of your friends kissing different people, I have typed several responses and ultimately settled on "no comment."

I don't think anyone can take too many pictures, I mean, you should see my photobooth.


lmc: Well said: It's like there's too much freedom to be creative, and some people just were not meant to have that freedom.

I'd really probably only go into it with the direct intent to totally fuck it up and it liekly wouldn't air and I'd never meet Tyra. Like, I'd get all girly for the boy date and be like "Arent you going to open the door for me?" and then with a girl be like 'let me tell you all my feelings," and let's be honest, they would never air that.

Right? Right.


1)I guess because they don't want to get fired?
2) Oo I already know my answer. But you'll have to wait and see.


oo lynnie oo:
-thank you,
-thank you and thank you.

haviland said...

I love that my two website rockstars are the ones who know "new yorks" real name. this is saying something, i think.

can we talk about colbert for pres? really?

Michele said...

what is there to say about colbert for president, other than - obvs too smart for the job?

clearly what he needs to get his campaign off the ground is a "colbert girl" video leaked to youtube. you guys should vlog that.

Michele said...

crap. if i sign into google as rocketdyke, it shows up as michele, which defeats the whole purpose of not using my name. annoying.

alex vega said...

Colbert. so hott right now...

stef said...

haviland, it means your creative team are up-to-date with the current events and social phenomena that shape our modern lives. we are the driving force behind the internets. obvs.

also i just stopped the song on my myspace profile from playing automatically, i hope you're happy now.

caitlinmae said...

what is new york's real name < pop santa's pimple or punch osama and win an ipod.
(I totes wrote "punch obama" first. I am a bad person.)

also- WTF TSS? I was sure it was an old wives' tale but then I saw an episode of nip/tuck wherein the little girl gets TSS... and got real freaked out.

also- vlog: Sunday Top Ten to the tune of the Billboard Top Ten as performed by the fabulous Haviland Stillwell

also- here are my questions:

Why did I buy a "suit for interviews" when I plan on being a movie asshole and never wearing it?

Why were the men at the mac counter so superior to me in terms of make up application?

Why isn't the Darjeeling Ltd out RIGHT NOW?

Do you want to go to the Mythic Creatures exhibit with me at the Natural History Museum this Sat? If it blows, first round is on me.

sikkk. xoxc

LMC said...

I'd really probably only go into it with the direct intent to totally fuck it up and it liekly wouldn't air and I'd never meet Tyra. Like, I'd get all girly for the boy date and be like "Arent you going to open the door for me?" and then with a girl be like 'let me tell you all my feelings," and let's be honest, they would never air that.

Right? Right.

Are you kidding? Tyra would air that in a milisecond! She's all for the promoting of stereotypes. Look at her gaydar episode.

But, seriously, did you know she has assistants whose only job is too brush Tyra's weave every 2 mins??? Dream job!!!

Re: vlog topic... I think you should totes do a fake "What if I was on the Tyra show episode?" with Haviland playing your bi date, and, like, Lozo playing your straight date.

LMC said...

Also, for Michele:

If you log into Blogger with your Google account and create a profile (you don't need to make a blog or give out any other information, really) one of the options is to pick your display name, so you could put rocketdyke to show instead of Michele.

Ha, and my word verification this time is "zgayzupo." I think that would be an awesome name for, like, a gay muppet. Zee Gay Zupo!

riese said...

haviland: Colbert for President! I think the dream team's awareness of the real name of New York is basically saying that they have their pulse on the finger of our generation.


rocketdyke: Ooo, that is a good idea with the Colbert video. I hope some hipster hasn't already done so.


alex: so hot right now. Also hot? Your intitials are AV.


stef:That is totally what I wanted to say when I said the thing about the pulse on the finger hooha. I am happy that you changed your song, I feel like I'm really making a difference here for myself and for the whole human race! Now I can look at your myspace profile without wanting to kill you, which I feel is important for the health and prosperity of our friendship. JK.


caitlinmae: I could not agree more re those ads where you're supposed to punch Osama. That's training for assasins, you know. IT's all propaganda. It's all part of the machine, the man's plan to get us down.

JK I'm not like that (paranoid), though its probs true.

I did the same thing with the suit for interviews -- like exactly. But I've totally worn that blazer to like, two benefits with Haviland, and a wedding.

I thought it was out, that movie. I'm not seeing any movies in 2007. It's official. When I go to my first movie in 2008, the theater will feel like a whole new world.

And I do, but I can't this Saturday. It doesn't sound like it will blow, howevs. I mean, real creatures are awesome enough. I imagine mythic ones might really blow me away, not blow. Or something. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore, this happens from time to time.

Your vlog idea is brill.


LMC: Yeah, she loves perpetuating stereotypes for sure. But if I took it over the top and made it obvious and rididuclous, she might know and then edit it out.

I've consulted with Carly, who's edited a lot of reality teevee, and she agrees with me that there's no way that there's any way this could work out to my advantage, because they will edit me into retardation -- like anything I say can be taken out of context, reaction shots from different scenes can be pasted into another part, etc.

We also discussed, and verified, my suspicion that this show will somehow tie in w/Tila Tequilla. Like she will fully be in it, I bet, on the couch, like yabba yabba. That part would be awesome. If I could just do that part, maybe. But also, maybe not.

That would be an INCREDIBLE vlog. Seriously, we might have to do that. And there would have to be someone brushing Tyra's weave in the show obvs.

stef said...

i saw the mythic creatures, they don't actually have any actual mythic creatures there except for a unicorn who walks around and gives hugs. it's best suited for small children or people with short attention spans, like me.

also i thought of an unanswerable question today: who the fuck are all the cab drivers talking to on their cell phones all day? each other? is it like the party line of cab drivers? is it like the telephone hour on bye bye birdie? like HIII ACHMED! HIII MOHAMMAD! WHAT'S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? WHAT'S THE TALE, NIGHTENGALE? DID YOU HEAR ABOUT HUGO AND KIM!??!?! srsly now.

i'm glad you don't want to kill me, that is the calling card of a healthy friendship i think.