Sunday, December 10, 2006

Sunday Top 10, Times Two: BEST. QUOTES. EVER. I. MEAN. OF. 2006.

Remember earlier this year when some intrepid detectives discovered that Kaavya Viswanathan's debut novel included copied passages from The Megan McCafferty Cannon (e.g., her seminal classic Sloppy Firsts) and then Kaavya was in big trouble with Little Brown and also she was totally embarrassed and she said that it must have just been subconscious, like, because she read McCafferty all the time and had a super-good memory? I believed her for about five seconds, which is more than most people, 'cause sometimes I feel my obsession with collecting and sharing other peoples' words could easily be taking over my brain and could eek out subconsciously, which as far as I can tell is the worst kind of way for something to happen. Because "consciously" is like, on purpose.

I'm semi-obsessed with quotes. That sounds like nothing, like saying "I'm semi-obsessed with eating." Really? You are? Amazing. (My website, p.s., is quote-heaven) You are so unique and such a special snowflake. Speaking of special snowflakes ... name that movie ...

It's the end of the year, which for those of us in the Top Ten business, is much like the first day of deer-hunting season or like, whenever the wheat gets harvested or whatever it is that people do out there in the heartland. It's 4 AM. I'm losing it.


Obvs this is impossible, because a year has 12 months in it and that's a long time. So I'm dividing this into spoken quotes and written quotes. Written includes: text messages, books, newspapers, street signs, AIMs, e-mails, telegrams (not singing telegrams), words written in clouds by those jets that fly over football games, messages in bottles, letters, magazine articles, tattoos, blog posts, confessional type love notes (I get a lot of those), etc.

Written quotes coming next week. So you know, hold your goddamn horses.
Spoken quotes follow.


Lo: I can't decide if I should eat Oreos and milk right now or cottage cheese and peaches.
Me: I guess that depends on if you feel 12 or 85.

I was walking around outside in this heat for like, an hour this morning when I wanted pizza. You have no idea how hard it is to find a piece of pizza in this city before 10:30AM.

On "The View" in July,
Barbara Walters:
And how have you managed to stay so thin?
Debbie Matenopolus: I don't eat, Barbara.

In the locker room at New York Sports Club,
I gained a lot of weight this summer, so I'm trying to lose it in two weeks by going to yoga every day.
(takes a bite out of the muffin she's been eating while dressing for yoga)
Want some muffin? This is my third pastry so far today. Are we getting lunch?

Matty (to me): Maybe when you move to Brooklyn, I'll just play in traffic all day. Or get a dog.
Krista: Can the dog cook, Matty?


In a discussion about facial hair during a query meeting:
Marie: Oh no, I don't like mustaches on men. I like my men so clean-shaven that they almost look gay. Except Tom Selleck, he is the only man I can think of who pulls of a 'stache. I'd totally do Tom Selleck.
Don: Whoah, you like Tom Selleck? Is someone writing this down? I need to record this moment. (gets pen, starts writing it down) Marie, August 8th: "I would totally do Tom Selleck."

From Krista's friend, Erin, who stayed with us in East Harlem one weekend:
"Um, so, you told me about Marie's crazy friend Matty from across the street, but you failed to mention that he is an ICELANDIC GOD."

The setup: Haviland and I, still hot to trot from the White Party, are getting out of a cab at my apartment.
Heckler: "Hey Ladies!"
(I dash across the street in 4 inch gold heels, drunk off my ass, while dodging traffic and Haviland fears for my life while waiting patiently for the light to change)
Heckler (to Hav): "You need to tell your friend she doesn't need to run FROM the black man...she needs to run TO the black man!"


Marie: Remember when I made the password on your computer "Michigan" so you'd remember where I was from?
Matty: Yeah, but then I fucking stabbed that computer with a really big knife.

Hav: I wonder if my therapist is writing in her notes; 'Haviland hasn't worn any makeup for two days. Appears to be in a downward spiral towards total dishevelment.'

Steph: I've been drinking this tea that's supposed to burn extra calories.
Me: Yeah, maybe if like, you drink that tea every single day five times you can burn off a slice of bread in a year.
Me: Okay, obviously we are all sitting here calculating exactly how many calories you can burn from the tea and then how many are in a slice of bread--
Lainy: Oh that's easy--
Steph: like 90--
Lainy: mine is like 80--
Steph: if you get the grainy healthy whole wheat bread, that's like--
Me: 120--
Steph: but you can get 80 or 70 with normal bread, yeah--
Me: or 60, for the like--
Lainy: "light" bread but the slices are so small--
Steph: yeah, they are so small--
Me: but yeah, the carb-free sugar-free, everything-free mini loaves are like, 60--
Lainy: probably 80 or 90 is normal--
Me:or like--average--


From "The Little Dog Laughed" (Mitchell is an actor, Diane is his agent)
Mitchell: Diane, just relax. Go back to your room, I'm with a friend.
Diane: Friend? Come now, Mitchell--you're just having another one of your little adventures.
Mitchell: I don't have adventures.
Diane: Please. You're like Huckleberry Finn on a raft made out of rent boy.
Mitchell: What makes you think he's a rent boy?
Diane: You're sleeping with him.

Stephen: Yeah, you know, basically, I put an offer on the table. I said, [redacted], what we're looking at here is a very handsome signing bonus. We're talking no commitment, no guarantees on my end, as in--you'll be agreeing to work exclusively with me, but I am free to take on other clients as the need arises. And um, yeah, she wouldn't take the offer. I put it on the table--and she rejected it. So yeah, uh, [redacted] and I broke up.

From "Workout,"
Jackie Warner, talking about her girlfriend:

“She bites me when she loves me, and she bites me when she's mad.”

7. EL L

Me: Why are all the L train service advisory signs at this station only in Spanish?
Lo: I guess it affects an area of Brooklyn so far away that the only people who live there speak Spanish?

From OverHeard in New York:
"I went to Boston this weekend. Mostly to avoid the L train."

6. YOU ARE THE YOUNG ONES (all quotes from Susan Powter from the RFamily Cruise that Haviland and I went on in July and perhaps, more than anything, the quote of the year ought to be: "Can we get back on the boat yet?" "Why aren't we on the boat?")

"You need to cut out refined white sugar, refined white flour, refined white men and the refined White House."

"I don't care about your issues, I don't care about your trauma, every woman in this room has been traumatized and if you haven't than you're BLIND!"

"I'm your worst nightmare. I was born with a very good brain and a very nice ass."

"Do not have a Bloody Mary at 11 o'clock in the morning. Have some GRANOLA."

"When you get kicked out of the Vatacin at 10, you're on an express train to hell."

"I am the most immature, hate-filled person you will ever meet and also the most honest."

"The nice thing about my job is that i can just roll out of bed .....and then apply massive amounts of makeup. I mean, just massive. When they mistress the art of tattooing make-up, I'll be the first in line."


"I just need a girl who will see me in a little mini skirt and then tear me limb from limb!"

"Somehow, every time Marie wears those cowboy boots they end up on the floor in my room."

"Marie, if I had your standards of attractiveness for boys, I would've never gotten laid."

Me: You missed meeting Haviland last night by like, three minutes.
Stephen:Oh yeah? What was she wearing?
Me:A very short skirt.
Stephen: So, how do you girls feel about making out in public?
Me: Stephen, I'm not sure where you're trying to take this conversation.


Marie: Shh...I have roommates!
Steph: I don't care, I'll fuck 'em both! I'll fuck em both with a STRAP ON!

MM: "Maybe I should just like, fly somewhere in a different time zone, where it's night-time, and I can start drinking there and then come back here in time for night?"

From the movie "Short Bus.":
Justin Bond: These people spend all night sucking cock and eating ass, and then hit the buffet claiming they're vegan.

Haviland, in Alaska, after taking a motion sickness pill:
It's just like, everything is so bright! Like it hurts to look at things!


Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents Diner:
"The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will."

Bette Porter on "The L Word," at a court hearing, in response to accusations that the NEA's decision to refuse her gallery's grant is justified because the art is "un-American Filth."
"Un-American. Not as un-American as what you just did. You oughtta be ashamed of yourself. You know what you are? You're just the latest reigning vigilante self-appointed culture watchdogs of the moment. Devoting countless hours and enviable resources to this bogus mission of stifling creative expression in the name of patriotism. And you know what it is, Senator? It's a distraction. It is a wanton distraction. Because let's just be forthright and honest about what is truly unpatriotic. Abject poverty is unpatriotic. The failure of our education system is unpatriotic. Lies told by presidents as justification for war is unpatriotic. It is unpatriotic that elected lawmakers fail to acknowledge, let alone address, real desperation."

From the First Episode of "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip"
"This show used to be cutting edge satire but it's gotten lobotomized by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience......Yes there's a struggle between art and commerce. Well there's always been a struggle between art and commerce, but now I'm telling you art is getting its ass kicked, and it's making us mean, and it's making us bitchy, and it's making us cheap punks and that's not who we are. People are having contest to see how much they can be like Donald Trump...... We're eating worms for money, "Who Wants To Screw My Sister", guys are getting killed in a war that's got theme music and a logo. That remote in your hand is a crack pipe."

Kathi Griffin, on her cell-phone, to the talent coordinator on the gay cruise, while walking with Hav and I:
"Can you tell him I want room temperature Evian and Diet Coke on ice? And some cocaine for Jessica, pre-cut lines if possible. And is someone going to escort me to the theater? I'd like if you could find a gay to come to my dressing room please so I don't get lost. Can I get a lesbian to take me? I'd feel better if it was a lesbian."

Kathi Griffin, to Hav and I, who were also lost in the ship looking for the line to get off the boat and see Alaska.
"Are you a gay? Or a child of a gay? I need a gay to help me get off this boat."

Random Girl at White Party, to Us:
"You and your friends are hot! I think all lesbians should look like us, but instead they all look like John Goodman!"

Rosie O'Donnell, on The View:
"The lesbian haircut didn't help. Oh--the haircut. The vein of my existence! You know, I didn't think it was that bad, but recently someone showed me some photos and ok, I agree, it was an error of epic proportions. The haircut was a mistake on many levels."

My Shrink:Do you think you'd ever tell your father's family that you're bisexual?
Me: I think Marie Claire is gonna do that for me.


After the "Complacent Danger" party or whatever it was called:
: I think from here on out, we can figure that the quality of the invitation is directly disproportionate to the quality of the party itself.
Me: Yeah, I guess guys who are good enough with computers to design such a kickass website and invitation aren't necessarily who we want to party with.

Me: We should create our own club in the city, for like, really hot lesbians, but make every night costume night. But not like The White Party--
Haviland: Yeah, and it's like, we won't just let anyone in, you have to be in costume to come in. You can't get in if you aren't in costume.
Me: Yeah, and like, look, I'm sorry but I've had it with your gay best friend, okay? He can't come.
Haviland: Unless he's in costume.
Me: Unless he's in costume as a girl in costume.
Haviland: Yeah, totally, we don't discriminate against drag queens.
Me: We encourage them.
Haviland: And Da Lypstyxx can obviously come.
Me: Obviously.


Book Cannibal said...

Hehehe... My pizza comment is particularly apt, since I'm eating pizza as I read this!

I still can't believe you'd admit to crushing on Tom Selleck. He's only good looking as an uncle.

Love that you brought back the back of Stephen's head!

marie lyn bernard said...

Any time is a prime time for Stephen's lesbian make out to be thrown back into the mix.

I only wish I could remember what you said about the banana split..I kept extending the quote, but then I was like, look, I'm gonna leave it. People will either see how hillarious it is or they are retards.

At least, it still makes me LOL.

Haviland said...

I didn't even remember the bright lights quote...but then i was high on dramamine...

Seriously, though? That is one of the most brilliant and appropriate statements I could have said at that time. Foreshadowing, anyone?

New York Punk said...

I heard a drunk guy say, "Ladies come back here, I just popped in a breath mint now"...thats as good as it gets!

marie lyn bernard said...

speaking of as good as it gets and quotes and men trying to get women back...omg, it's almost busting out of me

Anonymous said...

Im gonans spank you you dirty whore

Anonymous said...

Quotes make me happy. Really hot lesbians make me really happy. But I think Mrs. O with "I met your father today. And I see what you mean." was a pretty awesome quote. The context being, the last time we'd spoken, I'd told her quite frankly "My father is an asshole." Through laughter, kind of forced laughter, because I always feel on edge around that woman. Anyway, as much as I usually hate her, she scored some points with that.

I'm remembering John Goodman as the husband on Roseanne, right? Agh. Hot lesbians definitely preferred.

word verification is hwmug. which is someone with a cold trying to say 'human', or someone abbreviating 'homework mug', which is, you know, a mug... for when you do homework....

Haviland said...

What does "gonans" mean?

Who is this "anonymous"?

Is Riese going to get to find out
the identity of her blog

I'm just sayin, we have back up.
And I mean the ultimate back-up:


Stephen said...

Lol - hilarious. I love how much of an ASSHOLE I look like in these 'best quotes'. Remember, Marie, it's all your fault. You started this thing!!

marie lyn bernard said...

girls like assholes, stephen.

also, i totally thought i wrote a comment in response to both of those above comments and now i realize that for some reason it never showed up. god, word verification is some bullshit. i don't even remember what i said anymore (hav+noxious)..damn.