Saturday, August 14, 2010

i wrote this blog post on april 26, 2010 but never published it. i forgot it existed. it seems like such a long time ago

Sometimes at night I get really scared. Panic angles for space between my lungs. My lungs are pissed off and so the panic sticks out like a shoebox. I bang my head on my desk. Nothing works. I misplaced my tweezers and now my eyebrow is bleeding.

I think, I'm scared. I think, there's so much going on. My cheek is on the surface of the desk, like a lot of things: a roll of toilet paper, a lighter, a nail file, two stones from Northern Michigan, a stick of deodorant, a hard drive. My lawyer's business card. My Vocabulary Did This To Me: The Collective Poetry of Jack Spicer.

In the morning I walk to the kitchen. I consider the kitchen. I want coffee. I look at Natalie's coffee but there doesn't seem to be enough. I wash a spoon. I move other clean utensils around to fit the spoon in. I put a few forks away and get out a plate to eat food on top of. I look in the refrigerator but there's no food and I have no pants on.

I put on pants. That's one step. I find two more links for the daily fix and open at least two windows with 3-4 tabs apiece. I feel very successful when I can close a six-tab window. Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure, I want to close all six of those motherfucking tabs! I am DONE with all six of that shit. Fuck you gmail, fuck you action method, goodbye netflix i am not watching skins right now, twitter wtf, oh gmail again you sneaky bastard. autostraddle, autotstraddle. I'm sure.

In two or ten minutes I'm already od'ing on new tabs already. I close my laptop and put on a shirt. I look at myself in the mirror but I don't like it.

I think it might be time to go to the gym, eat a meal, or take my medication. The third option is quickest, so I do that first. I put on gym pants, which is 10% of the process to get me out the door. I debate finishing the Fix before or after the gym. I like to return from the gym with all fixes completed or published, so that when I return I can start on tomorrow's editorial projects, catch up on emails or other administrative shit.

I think, I need to eat. But also I need to write emails. I have no pants on. I need coffee the most. So then I get clothes on and put on my glasses and hoodie and go to the deli for a bagel and an iced coffee while I look at emails and start preparing my heart to spend the next 10 hours in overdrive. I am a car on a track, it's easy as that. Or I am a conductor of an orchestra, and everyone's chewing gum.

It's been an hour and finally I am onto something. i've picked the story and now I am investigating or writing words about it. The investigating is fun, I feel like a real journalist, I put on my best Lois Lane impression of Lois Lane couldn't ever leave her office except when Superman picked her up.

Sometimes at night I get scared listening to music in the smoky dark. I get scared that the part of my brain where I store feelings I have no space for (it's like a storage closet, but more plushy because of the brain tissue) is reaching maximum capacity, like thinking about how this thing is too big to fail but too big to go on this way, and how I'm not sure what I can do to make it better, which is why I work so much every day to make it better, and do my job better than I've done anything, and even when it's not good, it's my best.

I love you all so much; I love you like the game where you hold the parachute up it in the air and then all go collapse inside of it. You make me feel like nonsense and I love you, children.

I love these young creatures.

That there are monsters in my hair

People who never knew me this way (as autowin)
Now take to autowin like detectives or supervisors
which feels like my tentative, elongated hands, hovering over the keyboard like
i'm in the fucking Matrix

I get scared that my friends are monsters
I am scared because my friends are monsters
I am scared because I love my friends
I am scared because I do not do enough for my friends
I am scared because I am behind
I am scared because we need to sell ads
I am scared because this is a video game where nobody gets points, but they lose energy, and what do we do when we've sucked everybody's energy?
I am scared because we can't always get what we want
I am scared because nothing belongs to me anymore
I am scared of doing the same things over and over again but with different actors playing the same role, in a different scene

I want to eat everyone I love. I want to get everyone I love into a house together. We can eat dinner and afterwards collapse into each other like simple animals. There will be peace in the morning. Rain or shine.

I'll draw back the curtains, unafraid. See I like the curtains. I like the darkness and the light. I'll like darkness and the light then, too.